Main "Triggers" for yours..

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aac

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Main "Triggers" for yours..
« on: April 02, 2018, 04:08:15 PM »
I was just looking to see what are the main "Triggers" that set off your mother/father?

My mother, who has actually been diagnosed with BPD and ("forgot")... is full blown. I have known for a very, very, very long time and just getting her to see a psychiatrist, has been years in the making.

For example- ANY holiday, whether it Christmas (Christmas Eve is actually worse ), Easter, her anniversary (still married, second husband and his second bpd wife), my birthday, HER birthday... you name it... you better be prepared to take shelter for the week before. It literally does not have to do with her at all, but as most of us all know, with BPD, that does not matter. It has always been ME, ME, ME , ME with her.

Thanks <3

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Bloomie

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Re: Main "Triggers" for yours..
« Reply #1 on: April 02, 2018, 07:14:21 PM »
Hi aac - some of the same things that you mention here triggered my uBPD/NPD mother as well. Holidays, especially Christmas, especially when trimming the tree. Just awful. Every. Single. Year. Eventually we all went into the wood work when it all began and she did it all alone..finally happy, and the tree to her standards, which is what she seemed to have wanted all along. So, there's that.  :blink:

Anything that triggered her myriad of insecurities. So, either my own or my sister's achievement would trigger a episode of tearing us down and putting us back in our place is one such example.

Another thing was me going to a sleepover at a friend's house or growing close to another family. I cannot remember a time when I came home from a friend's house that I wasn't in some kind of serious trouble and met with rage from usually manufactured out of thin air, paranoid type interpretations of perfectly innocent circumstances or things that never happened. Very threatened by any time away from home.

Any time a salesperson or car mechanic or bank teller or random stranger or family member told her something she didn't want to hear....  :mad:

So, many others I could share, but those are a few that come to mind immediately.
« Last Edit: April 03, 2018, 09:35:42 PM by Bloomie »

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moglow

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Re: Main "Triggers" for yours..
« Reply #2 on: April 03, 2018, 03:24:10 PM »
Oh yeah, triggers abound here too. Holidays. Special occasions of any kind. Her birthday (coming up next week). Countless other birthdays, even of those who are no longer with us or with whom she has no contact. Anniversaries - and she remembers every damned sad and senseless anniversary under the sun...when her parents passed, her husband, when x was diagnosed with y disease, etc, that list alone is endless and no date is safe. And God help us, the funeral triggers. I can only be thankful that her parents and siblings are all gone, that so much ugliness is behind us.

Mother turns 80 soon and I'm sure we'll be treated to a litany of who's not there, a sad trouncing down memory lane. She's unable to be happy for what is but rather dwells on what is not. Her long list of complaints will be dragged out yet again, and later she'll ruminate over who said what. THEN she'll turn some random out of context comment into a three ring circus of her own making. You never know if it's safer to surprise her, or plan ahead and give her time to plan it out in her mind. Inevitably there's some something that goes "wrong" and she has an excuse for the performance she's been planning all along.

Yay us.  :blink:
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.”  ~ Cap'n Spanky

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Mug

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Re: Main "Triggers" for yours..
« Reply #3 on: April 03, 2018, 03:45:39 PM »
My family pretty much walks on eggshells around my mother. Anything could set her off at any time. Holidays are awful. For about the month before the holiday, if not longer, she ranges from being so excited to canceling the holiday all together. She usually does this for various reasons, the most famous of which is that no cares like she does or we don't offer to help. Neither is true, but when we offer to help, she doesn't want it. With mother's day around the corner, I can't wait to hear how everyone forgot about her in order to celebrate with me instead.

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zephyrblue

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Re: Main "Triggers" for yours..
« Reply #4 on: April 03, 2018, 03:48:26 PM »
uPDfather could get himself upset over just about anything.  Once when I was a tween I was yelled at for not using a paper towel enough before throwing it away.  :stars:

Reliable triggers:  happy events for someone else, long car rides (ooh, captive audience!), paying bills, car problems and maintenance, cable TV being out, anyone getting sick, Martin Luther King Day (uPDfather was racist AF), going to and leaving extended family get togethers (he turned on what little charm he had when he was there), snowy weather, the wait staff at any restaurant, and en(PD?)mom not giving him undivided attention 24/7. 

And the FOO wondered why I moved far away after college.

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all4peace

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Re: Main "Triggers" for yours..
« Reply #5 on: April 03, 2018, 06:01:19 PM »
This is uNPBDmil and not M, but vacations (ours) and bdays/holidays reliably resulted in her behaving badly or clingily. It was cold anger or super-hoover time. I never knew which to expect but started developing body symptoms in advance of big days, even when my brain hadn't yet registered the timing.

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louisebt

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Re: Main "Triggers" for yours..
« Reply #6 on: April 03, 2018, 07:20:22 PM »
holidays and taking vacations, oh yes. Family get togethers.

Money. Having to spend it to get something done. It's like pulling teeth. She has not had a haircut for 9 months and has toelnais that would make you gag because I stopped doing her hair and nails and put boundaries she needed to go to the hairdresser and get a chiropodist, like any normal elderly person. there is literally a cheap good hairdresser 50 yds from her front door. She will not pay a few pounds to get a haircut.

Driving. When a doctor reported her to driver licensing for her alcoholism, she told me and her sister she would disown us and never speak to us again if we had done such a thing.

DIY. she is literally psychotic about this. She is determined she has to be able to fix it herself. no matter her physcial limitations that she can hardly get across a room without getting out of breath, she is gonig to put that curtain rail up, weed the whole garden, use a chainsaw! stand on ladders and fix a broken car.
And of course when none of that materialises she refuses to pay out for help (see above) and then blames me either overtly or covertly for not helping her.

URGGGH!

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heavysigh

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Re: Main "Triggers" for yours..
« Reply #7 on: April 03, 2018, 08:51:02 PM »
This, this and more this!!

EVERY holiday (St. Patrick's Day included) - my uBPD M has the crisis of the century!  We are on very limited contact right now, but she managed to send me a huge email to let me know all about how Easter turned into a tragic event because she forgot to reconfirm a ride to church, and ended up having a breakdown (she could have called a CAB - she never misses an opportunity to let me know how wealthy she is)...

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all4peace

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Re: Main "Triggers" for yours..
« Reply #8 on: April 03, 2018, 09:34:14 PM »
This, this and more this!!

EVERY holiday (St. Patrick's Day included) - my uBPD M has the crisis of the century!  We are on very limited contact right now, but she managed to send me a huge email to let me know all about how Easter turned into a tragic event because she forgot to reconfirm a ride to church, and ended up having a breakdown (she could have called a CAB - she never misses an opportunity to let me know how wealthy she is)...
Welcome, heavysigh! I have to smile at your screen name, as when I was going through the worst of trying to cope with PD ILs, I did a LOT of heavy sighing. It's a great stress reliever :) I hope you find your way to the welcome board, if and when you are ready to, to introduce yourself to all of us so we can properly welcome you!

It's sad when people are unable to soak up the joy of special occasions and instead create chaos and drama.

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peacetrain

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Re: Main "Triggers" for yours..
« Reply #9 on: April 04, 2018, 07:57:05 PM »
Holidays - yes! Big triggers, along with birthday or any special family event. Weddings are a biggie. Birth of a baby?! Yup. No event too big or too small. Also, any sorts of truth that run counter to the facade of perfection. As a newbie here, it is both refreshing and therapeutic to see such similar stories. Also, it's nice knowing I wasn't personally responsible for ruining Thanksgiving for the past five years.

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Dinah-sore

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Re: Main "Triggers" for yours..
« Reply #10 on: April 04, 2018, 08:19:18 PM »
Holidays, the success of people she hates, and one HUGE one---if she thinks i am late.

This weekend we got together as a family. She did not give us a set time, just "after church." Then she told me she had to stay an hour after her church service to help them lock up. But she ended up not staying, and got back to her house an hour earlier than I expected. She was mad that I wasn't AT HER HOUSE waiting for her to come home!!!!! So to her I was LATE, because I wasn't an hour earlier than she told me she would be home. She told my dad that I was rude and that I ruined the day.

If we meet at a restaurant and I call her and say, "Okay, we are leaving our house now." but she gets to the restaurant first, and has to wait for us (maybe it took us longer to drive there, then it did her), I am LATE and that is so RUDE. And she is HUNGRY. Then she will be rude to me the entire meal.

If she is picking me up to go somewhere, and say we have to leave my house at 3pm. She will show up a half an hour early, and be upset with me that I am not ready, but when she does that it takes me LONGER to get ready, because now I can't just get ready, I have to entertain her, so I am LATE. But really, she is just early.

When she perceives that I am late, I am in for much emotional and verbal abuse.
"I had to accept the fact that, look, this is who I am. I have to be who I am, and all of us have a right to be who we are. And whenever we submit our will, because our will is a gift, our will is given to us, whenever we submit our will to someone else's opinion a part of us dies." --Lauryn Hill

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Thru the Rain

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Re: Main "Triggers" for yours..
« Reply #11 on: April 04, 2018, 08:56:51 PM »
Like many others, vacations are a big trigger for my M.

DH was in the Air Force when we first got married, and we took advantage of living in great places, including England for 4 years. We went just about everywhere - and usually on a shoe string budget. We just wanted to see stuff.

When I would talk to M, she would interrupt my story of where ever I had been to tell me that the cat had thrown up yesterday, or had a hairball, or meowed in the night and woke her up - anything to stop me talking about my experiences.

Recently my niece was able to take a couple of great trips. Once to Europe on a college student type tour, and then later a trip to Spain with friends. What I hear from my M "I wonder where she got the money?" in that snotty, catty voice (you all know that voice!)

I was so happy to tell M 1) it's non of her business and 2) (esp with the trip to Spain) my niece is working and single and clearly has enough money for a vacation.

M is envious and jealous - All The Time. If people are happy or successful, she gets openly upset. And on the other hand, anyone who is unhappy or not doing well is sneered at by her. She doesn't have any setting for "medium" or any sense of live and let live.

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broken

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Re: Main "Triggers" for yours..
« Reply #12 on: April 07, 2018, 01:52:37 PM »
I have always said (even before realizing she has a PD) that NM's problem solving skills were to scream and whine and rage until someone else solved the problem  :stars:
So in short... Anything sets her off.  Anytime, any place...  But only certain people: the ones who should be catering to her.  That includes me, the family SG.

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Terichan

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Re: Main "Triggers" for yours..
« Reply #13 on: April 07, 2018, 02:41:47 PM »
One of my BPDm's worst triggers was young children acting like... young children. Like moving, and speaking, and laughing, and especially crying. Those things were not allowed in her world. She HATED it, she wanted children to sit still and shut up and act like little dolls that only did things she permitted and made her look like a "good mommy" or, later, a "good grandma" to all the strangers around us.

When I saw her scolding my own children for doing these perfectly normal things, or tried to get me to scold them by trying to shame me for being such a horrible mother letting my hellions ruin everyone else's day by, say, getting out of their restaurant chair for a minute, or the time she got right in my 3-year-old's face with an angry pointed finger, growling stop that crying right now, the neighbors can hear you, it made my blood run cold. I realized it was how she had parented me and understood how much damage she had done. It was the main catalyst for going VLC with her, it triggered me something fierce, and there was also no way I was allowing her to do that to my children.  :sadno:
“Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.”
― Thich Nhat Hanh

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zephyrblue

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Re: Main "Triggers" for yours..
« Reply #14 on: April 07, 2018, 03:23:11 PM »
"The neighbors can hear you."

I can't tell you how many times enMom said that to uPDfather when he was yelling at her (and later, me).  As if uPDfather cared if anyone heard him raging.  She'd run around the house in the middle of summer (no air conditioning) closing windows so the neighbors couldn't hear him yelling.  They could, though.  Closing windows only muffled it a little.  I know from the time I spent in the back yard to get away from him.

enMom cared more about what the neighbors thought--and she wasn't even friends with them!--than the damage being done to herself and her daughters. 

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all4peace

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Re: Main "Triggers" for yours..
« Reply #15 on: April 07, 2018, 04:11:55 PM »
One of my BPDm's worst triggers was young children acting like... young children. Like moving, and speaking, and laughing, and especially crying. Those things were not allowed in her world. She HATED it, she wanted children to sit still and shut up and act like little dolls that only did things she permitted and made her look like a "good mommy" or, later, a "good grandma" to all the strangers around us.

When I saw her scolding my own children for doing these perfectly normal things, or tried to get me to scold them by trying to shame me for being such a horrible mother letting my hellions ruin everyone else's day by, say, getting out of their restaurant chair for a minute, or the time she got right in my 3-year-old's face with an angry pointed finger, growling stop that crying right now, the neighbors can hear you, it made my blood run cold. I realized it was how she had parented me and understood how much damage she had done. It was the main catalyst for going VLC with her, it triggered me something fierce, and there was also no way I was allowing her to do that to my children.  :sadno:
Oh, Terichan, how upsetting. I've seen uNBPDm's total lack of empathy when my DS was injured. He was on her motorized vehicle without a helmet, despite me begging her to promise she would never, ever let him do so. It malfunctioned, he hit a tree and came into her house gushing blood from his face. She didn't even pause from making a meal to stop and help. No apologies for the lack of safety. No help for the bleeding grandson. And another lie that the other grandchildren had been told to wear helmets (they said they hadn't). That's when I said to myself, "Oh my goodness. Childhood was at least as bad as I remember."

Ditto with mil who would snarl in a grandson's face "What is WRONG with you" because he was antsy and active in her home. Her preference was kids glued to screens, silent, not making a mess. It was then that DH's few memories from childhood clarified into flesh and blood for me.

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zephyrblue

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Re: Main "Triggers" for yours..
« Reply #16 on: April 07, 2018, 07:09:26 PM »
It was then that DH's few memories from childhood clarified into flesh and blood for me.

So DH doesn't remember much of his childhood?

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Silent Vixen

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Re: Main "Triggers" for yours..
« Reply #17 on: April 10, 2018, 09:02:31 PM »
For my Nmom it would be if you don't take her advice. Because she has ALL the answers!
This really sets her off :aaauuugh:

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Some One

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Re: Main "Triggers" for yours..
« Reply #18 on: April 11, 2018, 05:29:25 PM »
My existence seemed to trigger my NMother.  I mean, really...just walking into a room was all it took.
I will not pretend. 
I will not put on a smile. 
I will not say I'm all right for you,  
~Martha Wainwright.

NC almost 9.5 years with Nmom.  Enjoy the Silence.

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aac

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Re: Main "Triggers" for yours..
« Reply #19 on: April 30, 2018, 09:14:58 PM »
This is uNPBDmil and not M, but vacations (ours) and bdays/holidays reliably resulted in her behaving badly or clingily. It was cold anger or super-hoover time. I never knew which to expect but started developing body symptoms in advance of big days, even when my brain hadn't yet registered the timing.

I can not agree more. Oh, yes..the cold anger and super-hoover time, which both seem(ed) to occur at  same time. Weird.