Main "Triggers" for yours..

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Re: Main "Triggers" for yours..
« Reply #20 on: May 04, 2018, 08:06:13 AM »
Main trigger for my unBPD/NPD/OCPD M is if anyone says No to her, particularly around ‘festive’ occasions, which M tends to view as some kind of family performance with a set list of song, poetry and dance acts. I am not joking. Saying No sets off her predictable ritual of faux flattery, followed by guilt tripping about how ‘other people's children would do it,’ and ‘[insert friend of M here] can’t understand why you won’t help’ and then, inevitably, we get the tears. And the shoulder slump. Incessant nagging then ensues, sometimes in bursts over days or weeks, to which my reply is now invariably: You can ask me 75 million times and the answer will still be No. (I’ve learned the hard way).  But other family members eventually give in to these plots - mistakenly thinkijg that she’ll stop (yeah, until next time) thus ensuring relentless nagging keeps working very well for my M.
Say yeah, say No to M and that’ll trigger the living tripe out of her.



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Re: Main "Triggers" for yours..
« Reply #21 on: May 04, 2018, 10:48:38 AM »
Wow. I'm a little spun out by the similarities here. I'm currently on holiday to help gain some sanity back and my NPD Dad is triggered. I'm visiting family and he's raging lile a lunatic. Threatening to comit suicide on Mums Birthday, telling my family he hopes karma gets them for what they've done to him and God help us all. All over a missed call on Mums behalf. Everyone is avoiding responding but it's making him worse.

Christmas ect.
Missed calls. Lack of contact ie haven't talked to him for the day.
My son being born! He was so jealous and couldn't handle the attention not being on him.
Success of family at work or in study.
New relationships.
Saying no to a demand.
Having more knowledge than him.
Disagreement on values and beliefs.
Cars. Boats. Items.

I think the list just goes in and on. Just getting my head around it all and working on myself and the guilt that comes with putting my son and myself first! xx
« Last Edit: May 04, 2018, 11:38:45 AM by uniquelyme »



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Re: Main "Triggers" for yours..
« Reply #22 on: May 04, 2018, 02:20:58 PM »
When I was young there were four main triggers for my PD father and his PD second wife.
1.Holidays were a BIG one.  Doubly so if there were going to be visitors coming to our home.  Everything had to be perfect in order to convince said visitors that ours was a normal family.
2. Another HUGE trigger was  me being ill.  Seriously, if I was sick at all it was a problem for them.  I was first treated like I was faking it.  They would say things like, "I'm taking you to the doctor and if you aren't sick I'm going to beat your ass then take you straight to school." (Like I would actually choose to miss school in order to stay home with the people who were abusing me!)  When the doctor confirmed that  was actually ill, they acted like I did it on purpose to bother them.
3. Anything that forced them to adapt their schedule in any way whatsoever.  School events (I don't see why YOU need to participate in the school play), being invited to birthday parties (We have to drive you there and buy a gift!) Even if I vomited at school and had to be picked up early.
4.  Other parents trying to be nice to me or my siblings.  Looking back, there were tons of adults who felt really sorry for me and my sisters.  They would see me getting treated rudely after school and ask my PD parent if they could take me to have pizza/ice cream/sleepover  with their family.  Always the answer was no. Later, PD parent would always berate me saying things like "They don't know you and if they did, they would hate you too."  or "How dare they look at me in a judgmental way"

Now as an adult, the dynamic has changed.  Mostly since I am no longer dependent on them for care and I live very far away from them; As such, the triggers have changed.
1. Mother's Day/ Father's Day--- PD father called me out for not getting him anything for father's day one year, although I had gotten him something that he forgot? He has never gotten me a nice birthday gift or even calls me on my birthday yet I am expected to pretend like he is father of the year.
2.  Talking to him about the past.  PD father cannot take it when I mention something from my childhood or past at all.  I cannot even address something blatantly rude that he said to me in a conversation a week ago.  If I do, I am met with rage and called "childish" told to "grow up" and "get over it."
3. Calling PD parents by their first names.  I cannot bring myself to call them "mom" or "dad" respectively.  When I call them by their first names, they rage out.  They insist on being called by said titles and hang up on me if I don't submit.
4.  Addressing any rude or offensive behavior at any time, even as they are doing it.  PD father asked me a question last we spoke and I couldn't hear him because of static on the line.  When I asked him to repeat himself, he sarcastically defined a very basic word, "nursery"... "you know, usually it is the place where the baby sleeps."  I told him "That sounds kinda rude, is that your intention?"  He insisted that it was a normal thing to do, defining simple words in a nasty tone to a woman who is a native English speaker, has a Master's Degree in English, and has been working as an English teacher for nearly 11 years.  Yeah, totally normal.
לפום צערא אגרא

A victim of abuse who suffers in silence will suffer the most.


Some One

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Re: Main "Triggers" for yours..
« Reply #23 on: May 04, 2018, 02:36:03 PM »
One of my BPDm's worst triggers was young children acting like... young children. Like moving, and speaking, and laughing, and especially crying. Those things were not allowed in her world. She HATED it, she wanted children to sit still and shut up and act like little dolls that only did things she permitted and made her look like a "good mommy" or, later, a "good grandma" to all the strangers around us.

When I saw her scolding my own children for doing these perfectly normal things, or tried to get me to scold them by trying to shame me for being such a horrible mother letting my hellions ruin everyone else's day by, say, getting out of their restaurant chair for a minute, or the time she got right in my 3-year-old's face with an angry pointed finger, growling stop that crying right now, the neighbors can hear you, it made my blood run cold. I realized it was how she had parented me and understood how much damage she had done. It was the main catalyst for going VLC with her, it triggered me something fierce, and there was also no way I was allowing her to do that to my children.  :sadno:

Why did it concern her if the neighbors could hear your 3 year old crying? 
Sorry for responding to this so late.
I will not pretend. 
I will not put on a smile. 
I will not say I'm all right for you,  
~Martha Wainwright.

NC almost 9.5 years with Nmom.  Enjoy the Silence.



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Re: Main "Triggers" for yours..
« Reply #24 on: May 04, 2018, 05:45:36 PM »

When I would talk to M, she would interrupt my story of where ever I had been to tell me that the cat had thrown up yesterday, or had a hairball, or meowed in the night and woke her up - anything to stop me talking about my experiences.

Recently my niece was able to take a couple of great trips. Once to Europe on a college student type tour, and then later a trip to Spain with friends. What I hear from my M "I wonder where she got the money?" in that snotty, catty voice (you all know that voice!)

Hi Rain, I just loved your post and couldn't help but find myself laughing at your comment about how the cat throwing up was thrown in to interrupt her from having to hear anything about you. It's so ridiculous and my NM does it all the time. I used to feel deep shame and sadness when she did this. I now realize how absolutely crazy it is, we couldn't make this stuff up if we tried. I will never forget trying to talk to her about my classes and getting ready to complete my Master's degree and she would start talking about something as innocuous (and always negative) like her furnace isn't working right or the cashier at the grocery store was rude to her. It's crazy because I could never see this behavior for years, it's almost hysterically funny to me when she does it now on a good day for me. Thanks so much for sharing  :yeahthat: