Husband's Ex Alienating for Child Support

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acc1984

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Husband's Ex Alienating for Child Support
« on: April 04, 2018, 03:53:34 PM »
For the last 8 months my DH's oldest son has been living with his BPDM (DH's XW). She left DH and their 4 children about 5 years ago and after we got engaged she decided it was time to move back and fight for joint custody. She and her 25 year old boyfriend rented a house (that his parents paid for) just on the other side of our neighborhood and the chaos began. The 16 year old ran off to her house one evening and hasn't returned.

A parent coordinator was introduced and because our state pushes for 50/50, joint custody was granted although Oldest never returned home with the rest of the kids. Her boyfriend left her after Christmas (and as a result she no longer has his parent's money to pay for living expenses). REGARDLESS of the fact that they legally have joint custody and REGARDLESS of the fact that she's in violation of a court order by keeping him... we have to pay her monthly child support (it was otherwise determined that her circumstances haven't changed since their divorce which stated that they would have 50/50 with no support so child support so if he weren't living with her she would get nothing).

The PC has actually been a really good thing and she's been pushing since October for Oldest to return to the time sharing plan. There are constant excuses, "It's raining and he doesn't want to go outside" etc. but we were finally able to get him to spend a night or two in the last few weeks (and it went REALLY well). After a few more games ("you said 4/1-4/2 but didn't SPECIFY that you wanted him both overnights so I'm picking him up now") DH emailed the parent coordinator outlining his expectations for Oldest's reentry into time sharing (the PC previously said she wanted him back with the other kids by Easter). BPDXW responded by BLATANTLY telling the PC that Oldest doesn't want to live with his dad and she isn't going to make him. The PC has made comments that lead me to believe she recognizes the XW has BPD and also may have an "inkling" that DH is being alienated from his son. They have an emergency meeting scheduled tonight with the PC so we'll see what happens. I'm just so disheartened. I can't imagine denying your child a relationship with their father because you want a check every month. I do feel for her. She hardly works and makes very little and we're more than doubling her income with the child support... but to hold your child hostage for that? It the saddest thing. And I'm terrified that she's going to start in on the other kids with Oldest turns 18 and that check goes away.

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Whiteheron

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Re: Husband's Ex Alienating for Child Support
« Reply #1 on: April 04, 2018, 04:54:53 PM »
Oooh, that sounds just like something my sister would do. It's all about her, not the kids. The kids are just there to be used as a source of income - as a survival tool. What's best for the kids never crosses their minds.

My sister fought and fought for more child support, essentially causing her ex and his new family to live at the poverty line. Did my niece see any of this money? Nope. I had to take my niece shopping for winter coats and school clothes. Every last penny of child support went straight to my sister. She wasn't paying rent, or any bills. She felt she was entitled to this money. (she exhibits a lot of narc traits - not quite PD, but def a narc). She was OWED this money. She talked the kids out of going to visitation, and in nephew's case, refused to let him go live with his dad. Why? Because she was terrified she would have to pay him child support. It didn't matter that she was unable to properly care for her kids, that her kids were struggling. She didn't want what was best for her kids. She wanted what was best for her. Money.

Sorry for going on and on about my sister - just want you to know you're not alone. Others do this too. I don't doubt for a second your DH's xw would then move onto the next child - ensuring a steady stream of income for her.
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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acc1984

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Re: Husband's Ex Alienating for Child Support
« Reply #2 on: April 04, 2018, 05:04:08 PM »
I'm sorry about your sister... thank you for sharing though. Makes me feel less like I'm on an island.

I don't know for certain but I'd bet money she has already told (at least the older kids) that if they stay with her she'll buy them XYZ with the extra money. However, she refuses to contribute to camps, lessons, etc. and is always wearing new shoes and clothes. I don't doubt that she loves her children (in whatever way she is able) but I DEFINITELY think she hates my DH so much that she thinks he owes this to her and is willing to emotionally harm her children in the meantime). 

I don't know. I'm just anxious and sad today. Fingers crossed that the emergency Parent Coordinating meeting goes well and BPDXW is called out on her alienation. Because DSS is almost 17, I'm afraid it may not matter and if he says he doesn't want to live with us, he won't have to. I'm just not sure what the courts would do.

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acc1984

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Re: Husband's Ex Alienating for Child Support
« Reply #3 on: April 05, 2018, 01:11:59 PM »
Well the PC meeting didn't go quite as I had expected but I think we might be on the right track. DH said BPDXW was pretty heated from the start and SHE was the one who initially brought up the money. Saying DH only wanted a relationship with his son so he didn't have to pay her monthly support. Projecting much? She stated with extreme confidence that the children hate being at our house, talk about all of the crazy things that happen there (I often worry that our house is too boring) cry and sob before they have to return (she lives about 2 minutes from us and they come bouncing in the door every time just as happy as they can be... so they sure get themselves together quickly!) The PC challenged her quite a bit asking things like "well do you think they might pick up on the feelings you have towards him?" Of course they don't because she follows all of the rules.  The PC asked her what her proposed solution to this whole thing was and she very practically said "for Oldest not to have any contact with his father!" The PC didn't buy it. The next step, before lawyers get involved, is to set DH and Oldest up with a Reunification therapist. It's my understanding that the PC can't make any "diagnoses" because she's already working with both parents. BUT the RT CAN (Parental Alientation although I'm not sure that term is recognized by our state's courts) and then the PC can take that to the judge? It's all just such a mess. I am thankful that BPDXW is making SUCH a scene this time around. If we can keep the PC involved maybe, just maybe... if she starts in on one of the other kids after Oldest turns 18 we'll have the history to back everything up.

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Penny Lane

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Re: Husband's Ex Alienating for Child Support
« Reply #4 on: April 05, 2018, 01:28:49 PM »
Has the oldest told you directly that he doesn't want to come back, or is it all being filtered through her?

Can you propose some sort of temporary plan where DH is still paying child support but oldest comes back to 50/50? It's not ideal, obviously, but she might just sign off on that ... and then she's lost her ability to claim that oldest doesn't want to be with you.

If you haven't, you might want to read two books I've found helpful (but scary): Co-parenting with a Toxic Ex: What to Do When Your Ex-Spouse Tries to Turn the Kids Against You  and Don't Alienate the Kids! Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High Conflict Divorce.

Those might help you give the kids tools to push back when their mom is trying to force them to choose.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It sounds terrifying and awful. I'm glad the kids have you and their dad to help them navigate this situation.
« Last Edit: April 05, 2018, 01:31:07 PM by Penny Lane »

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acc1984

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Re: Husband's Ex Alienating for Child Support
« Reply #5 on: April 05, 2018, 04:16:26 PM »
He has told us directly. We had a meeting with the Parent Coordinator a few weeks ago in which we cleared the air.

A little backstory: He left in July because of an argument with me and hasn't returned home. He asked to use my phone to call his mom (something DH and I had already told him we didn't feel was appropriate) and I told him "no." He blew up and walked to her house. We found out later that he had a cell phone on him... she bought the two oldest phones and had them sneak them into our house. So it was essentially a setup. After this, she filed for 50/50 custody accusing us of abusing the kids, locking them in their rooms, just insane things. It was dismissed because she wasn't concerned enough to have reported anything to child services and no one believed her.

Anyway... DH, DSS and I met with the Parent Coordinator a few weeks ago, DSS said he "just wanted things to be like they were before," (we got along really well until his mom moved back to our state- into our neighborhood, actually) I told him that we missed him and I wasn't trying to be his mom... I just hoped that if he (or his siblings) ever needed anything that I could be there for them. It went really well and when the PC asked if he wanted to go back to his dad's he said "yes."

So now, according to his mom he's just in turmoil. He cries and sobs before he comes over, his grades have dropped (not true according to infinite campus). She's just reaching. The PC did propose a temporary agreement with the goal of returning to 50/50. She's going to write that up and they'll both review and sign (or not) next week. DH doesn't think BPDXW will sign in which case we'll get lawyers involved again and go back to court. We're not THAT concerned about the money but it would definitely be  nice perk to resolving the whole thing. If we could pay her 1K every month and she'd let DSS come home and stop terrorizing everyone we would do it in a heartbeat. But it's never about what it's about.

The PC has very plainly told BPDXW that she's triangulating with DSS... controlling the flow of communication. So I'm fairly sure she's extremely tuned in to what's going on.

I think we have at least one of those books but I definitely need to check. Thank you SO much for the recommendation. And for just letting me word vomit. This forum is such a godsend. 

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acc1984

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Re: Husband's Ex Alienating for Child Support
« Reply #6 on: April 16, 2018, 02:30:08 PM »
Well the Parent Coordinator pulled through!! They had a meeting with DH, DSS, and BPDXW (BM) last week. BM dug in about "forcing" DSS to come to our house and the PC informed BM that unless an official, substantiated claim was made (abuse... which she actually accused us of over the summer), investigated and filed, her recommendation was that DSS go back to the 50/50 time sharing plan. She told BM she has been in violation of a court order for the last 6 months and that they had two options. Mom can enforce the existing, AGREED UPON time sharing plan and make DSS come to our house OR they can get lawyers involved, spend a ton of money, waste a lot of time, and DSS will still have to follow the schedule anyway.

Our state doesn't have an age at which the kids can make the call. I think in this situation at least, she sees that BM is manipulating and alienating DSS from his father and would have made the recommendation to the judge had BM not finally given in. She couldn't do it without a scene though and proceeded to throw DSS under the bus. "If you don't do what you're supposed to do I'M going to get in trouble and I'M going to have to spend a bunch of money in court." DH said he looked pretty hurt that after her months long campaign to keep him at her house she would flip on him like that. But that's what she does.

They do want to have a 90 day "re introductory"  schedule where he goes back to mom's for a few days in the middle of our week-long run. I think that's a little ridiculous. He's almost 17. If he were a toddler I could see the purpose but at this point I'm just happy he'll be back at all. He needs a relationship with his dad and someone needed to put a stop to BM's alienation. He came over Saturday/Sunday of this past weekend and he was quiet (he can be a quiet kid anyway and I'm sure he feels a little out of place after missing the last 8 months at our house) but respectful and kind. I'm not confident BM won't start back up again with something else but I'm just trying to enjoy the down time before she does.

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acc1984

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Re: Husband's Ex Alienating for Child Support
« Reply #7 on: April 16, 2018, 02:36:25 PM »
Sorry, Penny Lane! In my second email on 4/5 I meant to say that DSS has NOT told us directly that he doesn't want to come back. It's all coming through BM (hence the PC explaining the meaning of triangulation to BM). He's said the opposite. The PC has commented that his negative thoughts and feelings only seem to come through BM, so I think she definitely has her finger on what's going on.

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Penny Lane

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Re: Husband's Ex Alienating for Child Support
« Reply #8 on: April 16, 2018, 04:43:33 PM »
acc1984, that's great! This is such good news for your step son. I can't imagine how torn he must have felt during all this. He was probably really hurting without his dad. And you must be incredibly relieved to have him back. It seems like your PC understood, to a remarkable degree, the toxic dynamics at play.

One of the things that makes me the most sad in my situation, and maybe you feel the same way, is that the mom is doing things that are bad for the kids. And they might not see it now, but I feel like they're going to look back someday and be really mad at her and it might even ruin her relationship with them. And there's nothing we can do to stop it! We can't undo her lies to them, or her unkept promises, or her scary outbursts. I've tried to be really zen about, well, my SO and I can't save her from herself, she's in charge of her relationship with the kids. It's hard though!

The reason your post made me think of that is, I bet your SS is going to be really mad at his mom when he fully realizes what she did to him. I'm certain she was lying to both you guys AND to him about what the other one was saying. And it probably will end up being a bit of a brutal wake up call for him to realize the truth. In short, I'm so glad you and your H are there again to help him through this.

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acc1984

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Re: Husband's Ex Alienating for Child Support
« Reply #9 on: April 17, 2018, 05:30:52 PM »
Penny Lane,

I was SO nervous about the PC initially because of everything I've read about BPD's getting 3rd parties involved in order to manipulate them. But she has proven to be a godsend.

In regards to the kids and BM... I just don't know. Firstly, I think SS was in on most of it. I think he was fully aware that much of the reason she wanted him to stay with her was because of money. Now, I do think she loves her kids, in whatever way she's able, but I also think she told him that she would be broke and they would be homeless if he didn't stay there. He's a sweet, caring kid, so he followed suit because it was what she wanted. 

The backstory is a little complicated but basically, he caught her cheating on his dad (DH) about 5 years ago and told DH about it. At the time he had to be dragged kicking and screaming from DH's house to go with BM when she came to visit (she lived out of state for several years). I think SS probably felt a lot of guilt and fault over the divorce. He was the scapegoat for most of his life (there are 4 kids and each one is one of the EXACT roles described) so when she came back and began showering him with attention he was so relieved she didn't hate him that he just did whatever she said. I also think she was jealous that SS and DH had such a close relationship and tearing that apart was just a plus.

I do know how much he loves his dad, though and after BM's boyfriend left them he started having a rough time in school. I think he knew he had run away from his dad and then the other guy left and he probably felt really alone.

My second thought is in regards to their relationship with their mom. She is SO manipulative and SO controlling that I honestly don't think they know there's anything wrong with what she does. I think they realize there are differences between the two houses and that most of the time, when BM says she's going to do something it doesn't happen. But I get the feeling they're so relieved she moved back and so desperate for her to stay that they overlook much of it (and maybe that WILL change when they get older). Which, I'm partly relieved about because they don't SEEM to be in turmoil anymore (they very much were over the summer when she was trying to establish 50/50 custody again). But now that she's back and now that they spend half of their time with her they seem okay! But the other part of me wants them to KNOW her behavior is wrong and unacceptable so they don't copy it and have issues in their relationships when they get older.

I guess there's no point in trying to predict the future. DH and I just try really hard to show them love and acceptance with no strings attached.

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athene1399

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Re: Husband's Ex Alienating for Child Support
« Reply #10 on: April 18, 2018, 11:15:10 AM »
Acc1984,

Your story sounds a lot like mine. BM was out of the picture for a while, then kind of got her life back together so started spending more time with her daughter who my BF has custody of. BM told her daughter that she needed custody of her to get more money, so she went along with it. Who wants to see their mom fail when she comes back, gives you attention, and then says she needs your help.

But things got better. My BF's daughter is older now (17), and after the whole custody trial thing she began to realize how irresponsible her mother is (she was 14 when her mom filed and 15 when we went to court for the trial). She decided she wanted to stick with 50/50 visitation with my BF as the custodial guardian still. Recently her mom tricked her into staying there for more time (she has two older kids from a previous marriage so they visit her on our nights), then BM told her daughter she was going to file for custody for support and I think her daughter gets it now. There's no drama if she spends extra time with us. If she spends one extra night with her mom, the drama begins.

It's hard seeing it from our perspective. We saw what was going on the whole time. And to be the "good guy" through it all, you can't mention anything to the kids. They just have to see it themselves in their own time.

Being the non-drama home helps a lot. Leading by example helps, too. And always showing them love regardless is good too. The PD parent probably only shows the child love when they get their way. It's a long road, but stay strong.  :) Vent to us whenever needed. We will be here for you!

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Penny Lane

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Re: Husband's Ex Alienating for Child Support
« Reply #11 on: April 18, 2018, 07:34:15 PM »
But now that she's back and now that they spend half of their time with her they seem okay! But the other part of me wants them to KNOW her behavior is wrong and unacceptable so they don't copy it and have issues in their relationships when they get older.

I hear you! I worry all the time about the kids growing up and ending up with someone who is be abusive them just like their mom was to their dad (and as far as we can tell to all she is the same way of her subsequent boyfriends, so the kids see it play out over and over). My second fear is that they will be the person in the relationship who treats others that way. Like you said all we can do is model good behavior show them what a consistent, stable, and unconditionally loving environment looks like.
« Last Edit: April 18, 2018, 07:38:44 PM by Penny Lane »

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acc1984

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Re: Husband's Ex Alienating for Child Support
« Reply #12 on: April 23, 2018, 05:53:33 PM »
Penny Lane,

I worry about that every day. The two oldest can be fairly manipulative (as evidenced by DSS's involvement in the time sharing issue and DSD was involved a little too) when they're this young it's hard to tell what is normal kid lying/manipulating and how much of it has been ingrained in them from being raised by BPDM.

I always tell my husband that he's crazy if he thinks she treated her boyfriend any better than she treated him. They apparently had some blowup and he left after Christmas. I hate it for the kids though because I think he treated them well. They seemed to like him. He was really young though and I don't think he had any idea what he was actually getting involved with. The kids knew all about their fighting and in the end BM blamed his leaving on the kids saying "he left because you didn't respect him." Anything to take the blame off of her.

I have noticed that we've had almost NO transition time when they come back from BM's... no attitudes, no issues listening or following rules. They come back from mom's sweet and happy (the oldest is a little sullen now that he's back but he's not really much of a talker anyway). So I'm hoping that they see the differences, and although may not exactly know why, they feel secure at our house.

My DSD called me her "stepmom" for the first time last night (we only got married in September). It felt like a little bit of a win. I was trying to come to terms with the possibility of never having the opportunity to be really close with them. I thought if I could just help make their lives better that would be enough. So to hear that from her after everything we went through last summer was pretty great.

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Penny Lane

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Re: Husband's Ex Alienating for Child Support
« Reply #13 on: April 23, 2018, 11:33:44 PM »
Oh wow, I so relate to all of this.

I always think my SO's ex behaves the way a teenager would, like maybe she's stuck with the emotional coping skills of a 14-year-old. (Interesting sidenote, it sounds like that's when things got really bad between her and her own parents, at least if you believe what she told my SO while they were together.) So as the 10-year-old starts adopting more and more teenage traits, SO and I are struggling a little to differentiate between normal angst and bad habits picked up from mom. Especially lying - I know all kids lie, but I have an extremely low tolerance for any lying. And when the kids lie a little part of me is like OMG THEY'RE WATCHING THEIR MOM LIE AND LEARNING FROM HER AND THEY ARE GOING TO TURN OUT TO BE LIARS! My therapist talked me down at one point, basically saying, well this behavior is normal for a child this age. I try to hold on to that.

Okay. The boyfriend thing. First of all, SO's ex has made a huge deal out of our (admittedly large) age difference. Let me tell you, he's heard a lot of comments about how childish I am. But ALL of her boyfriends that we know about have been around my age (she's older than me but younger than him). And while my job is relatively high profile and super stable, they've all been sort of in and out of various jobs. Except for the one boyfriend who was in the same field that my SO is - which she had given him a ton of grief about switching to because she felt he wouldn't be able to provide for her and the kids. Also, the most serious and long term of all these boyfriends, she made a huge deal out of how great he was for the kids and what a good role model their relationship was. And then it blew up in a fairly spectacular fashion, with restraining orders, etc. It's hard to tell from the outside but she really seemed to be the aggressor - the things he accused her of were the same things she did to my SO during their relationship.

Second of all, thank goodness she does not blame their absences on the kids! How awful for your stepkids. She just tells them that the guy moved away. So now there have been a string of men who came into their lives then soon "moved away" but also sometimes they run into them around town? And they show up at their house intermittently whenever she needs some male attention?  The funny, or not so funny, thing is that the kids seem to have caught on and stopped caring. The latest boyfriend, the older kid calls him by the previous boyfriend's name when they talk about him.

The stepmom thing - that's great! Take those wins! The last weekend they were here, both kids wanted me to comfort them after they had disagreements with their friends. I was so touched!  There's a lot of pressure put on stepmoms to be perfect and have a the perfect mix of motherly-but-not-overstepping relationship with the kids. But I try to tell myself, perfect isn't possible, bio parents aren't perfect, how could step parents be? Maybe the kids don't need you to be close, they just need you to be stable. Or maybe your relationship will grow closer with time. I hope we can all celebrate the positive relationships we can build with the kids, whatever that looks like.

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acc1984

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Re: Husband's Ex Alienating for Child Support
« Reply #14 on: April 25, 2018, 03:13:23 PM »
We regularly say that dealing with BPDXW is like dealing with another teenager. Same situation... according to DH she experienced some trauma in her mid-teens as well.

I didn't mean to insinuate that the boyfriend was too young to take care of 4 kids! He's actually only a few years younger than I am. But I think he was fairly immature and he really had no career or direction. He quit his minimum wage-ish job and moved to our state (after the two of them shacked up for a few years VERY far away). He didn't work during his time here and seemed to stay home, shuttling the kids back and forth to our house and practices while she worked (only part-time). His parents are very well off and we found out later were paying most of their expenses (including legal fees!) We found text messages on DSD's phone. She would text her mom and tattle on her siblings, stating that Boyfriend was playing video games and wouldn't do anything about it. 

SO when she pinned the kid's entire lives on this guy it was bound to crash and fall. And it did. So the kids are usually unsupervised. 14 year old DSS gets up at 6 am to get her younger sibling off to school some mornings, walks to the grocery store (it's NOT just right around the corner) for groceries, prepares meals, cleans the house. Of course they would NEVER tell us any of this, we read everything in text messages when DH takes her phone for the night.

Congratulations to YOU as well on the milestone with the kids! I told the two oldest that very thing not long ago "I'm not trying to be your mom, you have two parents that love you very much and I'm really grateful for that. But I would love to be there for you if you ever need anything. If I can ever help, please know I'm here." They seemed to hear that and, at least DSD has warmed WAY up since the chaos of last summer.

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Penny Lane

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Re: Husband's Ex Alienating for Child Support
« Reply #15 on: April 26, 2018, 04:03:29 PM »
Oh no worries I didn't think you were disparaging all 20somethings (anyway I'm a little past the 20something age bracket now)! In fact I think 25 is pretty young to be taking care of four kids full-time, including one that's less than 10 years younger than him. Not that it's impossible, just, it's a lot to ask of him, it's not surprising that he left.

Anyway I guess I was venting, it just gets under my skin a little that according to her my age means I'm incredibly immature. But her boyfriends of the same age, many of whom are actually pretty immature as far as we can tell, are allegedly great caretakers/role models for the kids. I know that it's more about me setting boundaries with her (like, she can't email me, she has to go through her actual coparent to discuss issues with the kids) than anything about me. I'm confident in my maturity level and ability to handle my role in the kids' lives, I just have to keep reminding myself of that. Weirdly, we also think one of her boyfriends had his parents paying her expenses including some legal fees as well. The mind boggles - how do they get people to agree to this stuff?

That's so sad about the 14 year old. I'm glad she has you guys to give her some time to be an actual kid. We're already seeing the 10 year old trying to take responsibility for the 7 year old and trying to remind them "no, you be a kid, the adults will take care of this."

I'm going to try to remember this: "I'm not trying to be your mom, you have two parents that love you very much and I'm really grateful for that. But I would love to be there for you if you ever need anything. If I can ever help, please know I'm here." I think it's a great sentiment, exactly how I feel, and I imagine there'll be a chance for me to use it with the kids as they get older.

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acc1984

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Re: Husband's Ex Alienating for Child Support
« Reply #16 on: April 27, 2018, 12:57:16 PM »
Penny Lane,

Honestly, I just don't think it matters. You could be her exact age, height and blood type and she would still find something to be unhappy about. Do you have any direct contact with BM at all? I've never met DH's ex. She'll show up at school concerts and walk right past us, I've attempted to make eye contact to at least acknowledge her but she won't have any of it. I just think it's so weird to not ever meet the person your kids are spending half of their time with! I'd love to say "Hey, come over, check out the house... I would imagine you'd like to see where your kids sleep when they're here!" but I can't see it ever even remotely getting to that level of civility. She and DH can barely email without it turning into world war III.

What's with paying for someone's living and legal expenses?! How do they find those people?! 

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Penny Lane

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Re: Husband's Ex Alienating for Child Support
« Reply #17 on: April 27, 2018, 02:03:23 PM »
That's so true. I know she's trying to find any reason to hate me. We always tell ourselves that if my age is the WORST thing she can say about me, that's probably a good sign.

We have met and spoken several times and it's sort of a debacle now. The long version is, my SO and I dated for a long time before I met the kids. And she made it clear she was sort of stalking me, like she would call him and tell him what she read on my social media (I blocked her ASAP). So by the time I met the kids she made this big deal out of how she should "have access" (creepy!) to me. It was around the same time that she introduced the kids to her first post-divorce boyfriend. So we resisted for awhile but there was a point where I was around the kids a lot and we were starting to have sleepovers, and I felt like it was only considerate to give in to her (extremely rude) demands that she meet me. So we all met for lunch and it was fine, she turned on the charm.

It might shock you to learn that she did not extend my SO the same courtesy re: the boyfriend or any of the other boyfriends.

I let him give her my number for similar reasons, basically I felt like he and I should give her the opportunity to be reasonable. So for awhile things were fine between us, she wasn't overtly harassing me and she'd occasionally call to talk to the kids on my phone when I was watching them. When we saw each other on very infrequent occasions we would chat civilly. And a couple times I even babysat one or both kids for her when they were both unavailable.

Unsurprisingly, it all blew up in a fairly spectacular fashion. There was a huge incident that involved her drunkenly screaming at me in front of the kids. It's a long story but she was mad at my SO because he said he was going to stop paying one of her bills for her and she just went nuts. She also blew up my phone during that same time frame and I was stressed all the time about what was going to happen next. At that point I decided it wasn't worth the stress of it happening again, so I asked her to lose my number, basically.

Since then things have been very tense. She literally refuses to say hi to me at those infrequent events. (To me, it seems like we should be polite in person for the sake of the kids even if we aren't on texting/email/phone call terms). She's tried to go to court to force me to talk to her. She created all these elaborate hypothetical scenarios about why I should let her text me again. At one point she tried to block SO's access to some records and used me as an excuse. My SO did promise her that I would call her if necessary in an emergency. But she keeps saying that I inappropriately refuse to communicate her. The guidance from his lawyer is that I don't have to let her text me, so we've held firm on the boundaries. Life is better this way.

It's also really weird that your BM won't talk to you but from my perspective that might be for the best.
« Last Edit: April 27, 2018, 02:21:49 PM by Penny Lane »

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acc1984

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Re: Husband's Ex Alienating for Child Support
« Reply #18 on: April 27, 2018, 02:44:34 PM »
Oh gosh. That IS crazy. I'm incredibly thankful that I'm as removed from her as I am. I mean, it's a shame... but if she won't even look at me for the sake of the kids it's probably best we just don't talk at all (I can assure you I'm not crying about it). At one point I would let the kids call her on my phone but when everything exploded last summer I put a swift end to that one and blocked her.

The parent coordinator gave DH and BM guidelines to use when together at events... sit in the same area so the kids don't feel alienated, acknowledge each other, etc. but none of that ever happens. DH has no issue with it but she just can't handle it.

As much as she seems to hate us she moved into a neighborhood adjoining ours... so she drives youngest to our bus stop every morning they're with her and parks in front of the house (she's out of his school district) and we often run into her at the grocery store. Now that her boyfriend is gone and his parents are only paying for her rent through July (we suspect his name was on the rental agreement and his parents must not be monsters and were kind enough to let her and the kids stay through the end of the lease) I don't know how she plans on staying in that house. It's not a great neighborhood but the houses are a decent size and I know rent has to be well over $1K a month. She makes less than that (although our child support doubles her income). I'm interested to see what happens when DSS is back to 50/50 and her child support goes away. She was previously living in a 3 bedroom house with her father (and 4 kids) and his 26 year old exotic dancer girlfriend. That was another mess entirely.