Loathing: An interesting article

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Psuedonym

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Loathing: An interesting article
« on: April 02, 2018, 06:04:54 PM »
 I use the word 'loathe' frequently with regard to my uBPD M and found this article comforting in its explanation that it's a normal response. Maybe you will too:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201405/the-borderline-mother

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Zebrastriped

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Re: Loathing: An interesting article
« Reply #1 on: April 02, 2018, 09:11:23 PM »
Thanks for posting this interesting article.  Spoiler alert: contains deep thoughts.  the article made me feel not so alone with conflicted feelings.

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Thru the Rain

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Re: Loathing: An interesting article
« Reply #2 on: April 03, 2018, 12:18:53 AM »
Wow! I don't loathe my uPDM, but the actions in this article describe her to a T.

On the other hand, I've been LC with her for many years, and have lived 1500 miles away for over two decades.

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Psuedonym

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Re: Loathing: An interesting article
« Reply #3 on: April 03, 2018, 12:40:05 AM »
I'll trade you, Thru the Rain! Mine lives three miles away and calls every day to whine about how awful everything is and expects me to fix it. :)

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daughter

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Re: Loathing: An interesting article
« Reply #4 on: April 03, 2018, 10:26:05 AM »
Article's description of borderline mother fits my mother perfectly.

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JustKathy

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Re: Loathing: An interesting article
« Reply #5 on: April 03, 2018, 01:25:38 PM »
Thanks so much for sharing this. It was a really good read. A lot of it sure hit home, but every article like this helps me as it's one more reminder that I'm not alone.

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HeadAboveWater

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Re: Loathing: An interesting article
« Reply #6 on: April 03, 2018, 01:55:05 PM »
Oh, wow, the closing line of the article was so powerful: "The adult children of borderlines struggle with the illusion that they were loved when they weren’t. Can you think of a more destructive kind of abuse?"

I think my father may be borderline. The "ungrateful" part of this article's narrative really stacks up for me. He's in his 60's and likes to make comments about what he contributed to my tuition decades ago and how that was misspent money. He'll also "joke" when he travels that he's "spending my inheritance," no matter how many times I earnestly tell him that his money is his to spend however he sees fit. I cannot say "thank you" enough, offer enough gifts, or return a sufficient number of favors to overcome the ungrateful label. 

I could also really identify with being offered misguided help and being labeled the problem. Just the other week, my father wondered out loud how both of his children and his dogs ended up being so sensitive. He doesn't seem to realize that the only common factor between the children and the pets is him.

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louisebt

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Re: Loathing: An interesting article
« Reply #7 on: April 03, 2018, 07:09:55 PM »
Fab article thanks. Also great reading the hopeful stories of the adult children in the comments who sound like they have broken the pattern and are doing well.

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Psuedonym

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Re: Loathing: An interesting article
« Reply #8 on: April 03, 2018, 11:27:36 PM »
I hadn't read the comments, louisebt! There were some fantastic ones in there. Thanks for pointing that out! :)

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all4peace

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Re: Loathing: An interesting article
« Reply #9 on: April 04, 2018, 11:41:16 AM »
Thank you for sharing. I have used this word in T to describe my feelings towards M when she is behaving badly. I thought the examples in the article were way benign, but overall I thought it was great and spent time yesterday reading side links to a lot of the other articles about BPD.

I think that culturally we do not like to hear of adult children who can't stand their parents. I wonder how often people stop to ask themselves why someone would feel that way, when the natural order of things is to have a very close bond with the person you relied on for life as a dependent child.

I also wonder lately if we have unreal/unfair expectations of what the adult child-parent relationship looks like in adult life. What if we're setting this relationship up for failure by expecting way too much from it?

Really, "loathe" seems like a fair response to someone who was supposed to care, love, nurture and protect you and instead became the most hostile presence in your infant/toddler/child/teen/adult life.

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blues_cruise

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Re: Loathing: An interesting article
« Reply #10 on: April 07, 2018, 05:32:05 PM »
What an insightful, validating article. Thank you for posting it! I think my father has NPD rather than BPD, though strangely enough seems to have some aspects of the latter such as violent mood swings, so this article still spoke to me.

Really, "loathe" seems like a fair response to someone who was supposed to care, love, nurture and protect you and instead became the most hostile presence in your infant/toddler/child/teen/adult life.

Absolutely, once you lose the denial that there was ever any genuine love there and are no longer overcome with fear, obligation and guilt then it's only natural that loathing is all that's left. I don't think this is entirely a negative thing as it's recognition that we never deserved to be treated badly. On good days I move from loathing my father to merely strongly disliking him, the same way I would if I witnessed an abusive stranger that I wanted nothing to do with.
"You are not what has happened to you. You are what you choose to become." - Carl Gustav Jung

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." - Maya Angelou

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Silent Vixen

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Re: Loathing: An interesting article
« Reply #11 on: April 10, 2018, 09:16:46 PM »
um yep..got in trouble for saying that! Hits home.


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blacksheep7

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Re: Loathing: An interesting article
« Reply #12 on: April 12, 2018, 11:22:19 AM »
Very interesting article.
I never felt a bond or love for  M, knowing that something was missing, I never liked her.  I saw her fake persona.  Something that I could not discuss with anyone 40 years ago!
I always thought that uBPD M was just a covert narc.  Recently, reading more about the Borderline, the "Queen" described her to a T.
I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear.

"When people show you who they are, believe them."
 Maya Angelou