Why does my brother do this, I'm so confused!

[Lilyloo]

He is my middle brother. His relationship with our mother is so strange!  They fight, he yells, she yells, she invades his privacy (he's 59) divorced twice. She had a key to his house. She would just go in anytime she wanted. I thought that was so off for him to allow her to have a key He is in another house now. I hope she doesn't have a key!

He has called me crying, saying he'd had a fight with her and if she dies of a stroke,  he will be to blame...Oh my...that is so sad the control she has.

Yet...........

He goes there every single day, has to call her when he's home from work He says she won't control his life and he doesn't give a s***, but still goes there. I ask him why  do you go there....and he never answers.

She treats him like a child.  I can't understand this at all.  So dysfunctional but sad. My brother who died was the same way. What is this about. Grown, senior citizen men allowing mother to do this!   This is so messed up.............

[notrightinthehead]

Must be painful to watch for you.

[guitarman]

Your brother and you aren't
alone.

This is "trauma bonding" and codependency. Your brother needs to start setting firm boundaries and sticking to them. He needs to start calmly saying "No" to your mother but is probably terrified of her reaction. I know how that feels. He needs to talk more about his own feelings.

He needs to remain calm and not get angry and shout with your mother. There are Grey Rock and Medium Chill techniques to use. She is probably pushing all his buttons and provoking him to be angry with her which is what she wants then she can become the victim.

Maybe your mother is sad, lonely, scared, frightened and feels threatened. She is an abuser. Abusers are all about power and control.

I suggest that both you and your brother look at the videos by the author and counsellor Kris Godinez on YouTube. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and how targets of abuse can cope better.

She gives live talks most Sundays on her YouTube channel called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". Her talks are archived on her YouTube and Facebook sites.

I hope this helps.

guitarman X

[guitarman]

There are more resources in the
"Other Media Resources" section of the forum.

Also check out the "Toolbox".

guitarman X

[Lilyloo]

Thank you for the resourses!

It's odd because he talks about her in a way like he almost hates her, He talks about our childhood after dad died, and she had an affair with a guy who worked for dad. It was going on before dad died. We were children. When dad died she moved us from the only home we had known and moved this man in with us. He was a drunk and violent.

My brother talks about this all the time to me now...but he still goes there!  He was traumatized and I see the damage it's done to him.  He remembers events, violence, etc. He was 7 years old. My deceased brother had been calling me too. We opened up about all the trauma, yet he still went to moms. I don't go, maybe twice a year and I come home a giant MESS!

I am happy the two of them talked to me. I just don't get the everyday going there. I know I never will!

It is hard to watch. She tells him he better not be sleeping with his girlfriends, yet we as children used to hear her and her guy!  She is a sick woman

Thank you so very much