Saying "NO" to a visit

[appaloosa]

I, too, had a terrible situation with in-law visits. My then-husband could not say no. Short version of outcome: we divorced (after almost 30 years). He was too deep in the fog to put his FOC first. It deeply damaged our marriage. In retrospect, I should have nipped the visits in the bud EARLY, and told my husband that they were NOT allowed in our house. (And if he had issues with MY family, he was allowed to ban them from visiting) You BOTH need to agree on the acceptability of visitors. If not, the visits need to occur somewhere other than your shared home. No way I would ever allow this SIL in my home. Not my job to entertain her, transport her or feed her. If your husband wants to do it, he and SIL can check into a hotel together. The parents can take a flying leap--their opinions of me have zero relevance to my life.

[goodgirl]

I can't believe this only just occurred to me, but I think your SIL isn't the one who is really pushing for these visits. I think your parents are pushing her to push for them so that they can foist her onto you for several weeks and wash their hands of responsibility for a while (and possibly set up a precedent for you to take on SIL's care when it becomes "too much" for them.

[HeadAboveWater]

I can't believe this only just occurred to me, but I think your SIL isn't the one who is really pushing for these visits. I think your parents are pushing her to push for them so that they can foist her onto you for several weeks and wash their hands of responsibility for a while (and possibly set up a precedent for you to take on SIL's care when it becomes "too much" for them.

I think there's some truth here. Particularly considering that my husband and I are the only people in the family who officially know about SiL's disability (and this is only after we confronted his parents two years ago because she obviously lacked the ability to care for herself or live independently ). In any event, I think we're being used as respite care and/or as a way to expand SiL's horizons. And, as sad and difficult as that is, I didn't cause this situation, I can't control it, and I can't cure it.

[HeadAboveWater]

Good grief!   

She can't even make coffee without flooding the counter?  I just can't with this!   

Here's an idea - the next time she brings up a visit, say, "No."   

Whyyyyyyy?   

Be honest:  "We don't enjoy your visits, and you don't seem to enjoy them, either."   

She may sputter.  She may squawk.  She may be incandescent with rage.  Or she may insist she LOVES visiting you and doesn't understand WHAT she did wrong.

Again, be honest:  You're not welcome to visit, now or in the future.   

*Don't* JADE and give her reasons - just restate your BOUNDARIES.  She is not welcome - cased closed.  There is no WHY - there is just NO.   

All her tries to get a WHYYYYYY? out of either of you should go back to a *boundary* -  "Because we don't want you to visit."  "Because we said no."   

Yes, it's like talking to a toddler, but if that's what you're left with - so be it.

Anybody who wants to argue with, "Because we said no" is a candidate for having their number blocked, IMO.

And I *really* think you should be as hard-line as you need to be *now* - eventually, your DH's parents are going to age, probably go into a nursing home (or stalwartly REFUSE and insist your DH take care of them - THAT is a conversation for another day - and I'll be more than happy to contribute!), which leaves your SIL on her own.   

She can't be on her own - where will she go?  What will she do?

She will have to figure out her OWN mess, or have a social worker do it for her, but you and your DH are NOT a solution.   

By having clear boundaries now about visiting - NO - you won't wind up with her as a *permanent fixture  at your house.*   

Did that just scare the crap out of you? 

I really hope it did - she probably thinks, or your IL's have probably told her that you and DH will take her in when they're gone.   

You'd be MORE than smart to nip that in the bud now, with hard-line, "NO" across the board to anything she says regarding visiting - and blocking her, if necessary.

I really suggest you get a handle on this now, before something happens to one of her parents, and they're trying to fob her off on you for an "extended visit" which becomes permanent residency at yours.

WomanInterrupted, I want to thank you for the time and care that you put into your responses. I appreciate the empathy so much.

Fortunately, we know that there is a long-term plan for SiL's care after my parents in-law become incapacitated or die. It does not involve me, my husband, our finances, or her moving to be closer to us. I was fearful about exactly the things you warned about, so we had a big come-to-Jesus conversation a few years ago with FiL.

In the mean time, I'm a little sad about my husband and his FOG-iness. We've been debriefing this visit because I agree with you that we need to take action now to prevent the next one. Out of respect for him I won't get into the details, but let's just say that we aren't in agreement on strategy or right to invoke boundaries.

[biggerfish]

I have read this whole thread, and chewed on it and slept on it. And i agree with everything that Womaninterrupted said.

[qcdlvl]

I have read this whole thread, and chewed on it and slept on it. And i agree with everything that Womaninterrupted said.

You mention your DH isn't wholly on board. Worst case scenario, at some point he could say "yes" to a visit without your consent. In that case, my advice would be to make it clear (and enforce) that he would deal with the entire burden of the visit on his own - that you won't chauffeur her around, cook for her, entertain her, that you won't take time off work to help her, etc. If she makes a mess while trying to make coffee, it's up to your DH to clean up. Let him cope with the full dysfunction on his own. If at all possible, my advice is to take a mini-vacation on your own while she's visiting. If not, my advice is to work overtime. If it's an inconvenience for them, they should've asked you first...

[WomanInterrupted]

I agree 100%!   

Just because your DH doesn't think he needs boundaries, doesn't mean you should follow suit.

I'd lay down the boundary, "If she's staying here, I'll be anywhere else on earth until she leaves and you have a day or two to clean up her messes."   

If there's a next time, make it CLEAR to your DH that HE will have to take time off from work to babysit  his sister, because you won't be there.   You'll be staying at a hotel, visiting friends, visiting FOO you like - anywhere but in that house.   

Make it known that this will happen *every single time his sister visits.*  Your DH will be solely responsible for cleaning up after her, making sure she doesn't get into trouble, feeding her, driving her around and heaven forbid *talking to her.*   

I think *one* visit where you're MIA might cure his FOG.  If it starts to creep in again and he suggests  having her visit, remind him of how it went last time she came up, and mention something about being overdue for a week-long spa vacation.   

It's a lot easier to have her around if you're there as a *buffer.*  Once you remove the buffer and the spotlight is on him, things usually change *very* quickly.

I was *relieved* to hear her parents have a long-term plan in place for SIL, but that doesn't mean she's going to agree to follow it.  That's why it's so important to develop solid boundaries *now* - so she doesn't think she can just switch gears and be welcome at yours, with open arms.