Had a really bad day yesterday

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turtlemama

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Had a really bad day yesterday
« on: April 05, 2018, 09:11:55 AM »
So, divorce is finalized and we have a custody plan. However, the judge suspended exuNPDís parenting time until he took the parenting class.  It ended up being a long time before the next class was available so I said I would not enforce this order because of the holiday I had DS for a number of weekends in a row.

However, exUNPD did not like that I had DS for these weekends in a row, and made a big stink about it, so I felt forced to bring the suspension order to the school because I was scared exuNPD would try to take DS over the holiday. He did show up at the school while I was at work, but the school did not release DS.

I believed uNPD had taken the class so I told the school he could pick up DS yesterday. However the school still would not release DS to my ex because this official suspension order was not lifted by the court. Police were involved, calls from the principal. The police telling me I couldnít release DS to exuNPD and I would be violating the court order. By this time, DS was upset and had a scene at school because he thought he was going to his Dads.

I went against everything and met exuNPD so DS could see his Dad (it had been two weeks).  Iím so tired of dealing with this nonsense. I feel like there is no right or wrong answer to what I should have done. I wish my ex would just get his life together. He had 2.5 years during the divorce to take the class!!

I regret taking the order to the school. Iím just exhausted and embarrassed that again my life is aired to the public and DSí school. Would you apologize to the principal for putting the school in the middle? I tried to explain to the cop about the situation, but he didnít understand how I could be scared uNPD would run off with my son and then want him to have parenting time. Ugh.

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Latchkey

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Re: Had a really bad day yesterday
« Reply #1 on: April 05, 2018, 11:26:01 AM »
Oh hugs to you turtle mama.

Your ex needs to get his act together.

Unfortunately for him, a court order can not be removed by other than the court.

You did what was right. You can write to the school an apology for misunderstanding and thanking them for upholding the court order.

Get some rest and talk to your T if you have one.

A lot of this sounds like FOG and I think you may need to step back and definitely give yourself a break.
Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living.
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There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
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When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.

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sweetpea79

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Re: Had a really bad day yesterday
« Reply #2 on: April 05, 2018, 11:28:51 PM »
I am sorry you are dealing with this. Itís hard. So hard.
Our PDBM is 6 years not taking any class that was ordered by the court.. but she still gets to do what she wants..
and nothing is her fault and everything is my H fault, even though he has followed CO and all classes to a T.


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Arkhangelsk

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Re: Had a really bad day yesterday
« Reply #3 on: April 06, 2018, 03:52:50 PM »
What a terrible position to be in.  I can imagine being in that spot and how hard it would be to worry that my child would want connection with his dad.

That being said - the court made this order for a reason.  When you do not follow it, you confuse the narrative.  I would be worried about the judge's response.  With the order in place, you have the judge focused on working to get your ex in line and that is where you want the focus to be.  Not having the judge question whether you are contributing to the problem. 

Perhaps this means sitting down with your son and saying that you are sorry and now you see what can happen in these cases if you do not follow the court order carefully.  And then follow it.  In the end, this is on your ex, not you.  Like you said - he could taken this class at any time.  So let him have the consequences.  I know that puts a consequence on your dear child as well.  But, having thought a lot about this in my own circumstances, I have determined that it is only a matter of time before my kids feel really hurt by a thing their dad does.  I cannot protect them from it.  I can just provide calm and stability while they weather the things I know their dad will eventually do.

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turtlemama

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Re: Had a really bad day yesterday
« Reply #4 on: April 12, 2018, 09:10:14 AM »
Thank you for your replies.  I am still hanging on by a thread. This chronic stress over court battles for years now is so wearing on me. Iím not seeing a therapist now because of money and time. I have DS in therapy for now and itís all I can manage.

Against my better judgement, and due to my guilt I let my ex have DS for two of his parenting times but I wrote this was conditional on him being signed up for the class.

Of course, this week ex did not take this class and I denied him his parenting time.  Ex threw a temper tantrum and called the court and when that didnít work he went to the courthouse with his baby and was given time in front of the judge next week. I canít imagine that will go well for him. More time I need to take off work.

The worst part is DS. Ex told him that itís all my fault he canít see him and that a fake judge signed the order (and showed it to him!).  DS is crying about it and saying how mean I am that Iím keeping him from his Dad, who apparently can do no wrong.

Meanwhile, ex is living in the marital home that is being foreclosed on... and Iím sure I will be blamed for that as well. Itís heartbreaking when DS says, he doesnít know who to believe. I have truth and honesty on my side and it means nothing.

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athene1399

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Re: Had a really bad day yesterday
« Reply #5 on: April 16, 2018, 11:43:04 AM »
I am very sorry, TurtleMama. It awful when the children get put in the middle of it. Our BM told her daughter it was our fault that we were in court and it was our fault she had to see the law guardian when BM was the one who filed the petition with the court to change the custody agreement.

I've read up on what to do in these situations because it is so frustrating when your ex is lying to the kids. I've heard it's best to not tell your side, because that always makes the child feel torn between both parents. Just do your best to keep a non-chaotic home and be the stable parent, and try your best to not point fingers at your ex in front of DS. It is frustrating that there's not much you can do, because if you try to prove your case to DS, it may confuse him more. Instead, just show him love and support. Tell him you're sorry he is going through this and it is tough on you too, but things will get better.

Sometimes these things get worse before they get better, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We are here for you.  :bighug:

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Whiteheron

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Re: Had a really bad day yesterday
« Reply #6 on: April 16, 2018, 12:51:00 PM »
:hug:
hugs to you, turtlemama. It's so difficult when they put the kids right in the middle of adult situations. Good luck in court.
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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Arkhangelsk

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Re: Had a really bad day yesterday
« Reply #7 on: April 16, 2018, 01:38:04 PM »
I am in a similar situation.  My lawyer is trying to deal with a petition my ex filed last week to see if we can stay out of court.  The petition is flagrant lies.  Plus I got a letter full of the same.  I keep telling myself that if I can keep documenting his crazy while keeping my cool, it will behoove me in the end. 

But I hear you.  The end seems very far away.  I am sad and tired today.  Luckily, I can work from home.  So I am sitting here in PJs, trying not to eat anything outrageous.

To counter my mood, here are the things I am making myself do:
- finish some work projects;
-make a great meal for the boys when they get home;
- tidy up a bit, which will make my partner happy;
- tell a few friends I am feeling low;
- Take a bath in the middle of my work day over "lunch: break.
- Remind myself of 10 things for which I am grateful.

Not every day will feel low. 

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turtlemama

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Re: Had a really bad day yesterday
« Reply #8 on: April 18, 2018, 06:38:49 PM »
Thank you for the replies. I have been able to not give in and kept to the court order. We actually had court again and the order is still suspended.  Followed by texts from ex about how I am harming DS by keeping him from ex and exís family. 

We had nice weather today and played outside and went for a bike ride. He did ask about his night with his Dad, but he listened when I said that the judge said he still needs to take the class.  This guilt is never ending, but I guess I still need to work on getting completely Out of the FOG.
Athene- yes this time I didnít go into ďmy sideĒ just what the judge said.

Exís appeal, more motions, itís like we need to just live with this chronic stress.

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Arkhangelsk

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Re: Had a really bad day yesterday
« Reply #9 on: April 19, 2018, 12:30:51 PM »
Good work sticking to the order!

Yes.  I think, sadly, you are correct.  We must learn to live with these conditions.  Which means, if this is how life is, then we need to learn to thrive. 

I think the key to this is letting go some of the weight.  Yes - your son cannot see his dad.  You are following through on that.  What are ways you can feel less badly about it?

It seems like you are internalizing your ex's failure and feeling guilt that rightly belongs to him.

<hugs>