Feeling torn

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11JB68

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Feeling torn
« on: April 19, 2018, 06:36:37 PM »
I'm new to the site/forum. I've been married for 27 years. There have always been issues, and I 'almost' left once but it was impulsive and I didn't carry it out - mostly at the time I was afraid of sharing custody and felt I was better able to care for my son if I stayed. I feel like since then I've mostly tried not to trigger my H and we've had our ups and downs. I believe he has OCPD. This is a realization that I came to over the past 8 or so months. I've felt increasingly like I cannot continue to live with his rules, requirements, and reactions when I do not act exactly as he would like. Son is much older now so not as much of a concern, though I still worry about how he would take it/feel about it. I feel very torn though in this way: If I look at OCPD as a mental illness, and I think about well, if my H had cancer or diabetes I wouldn't leave him I would try to help him...then I feel horrible for wanting to leave. Also he has made sort of vague comments in the past that he might become extremely depressed or even suicidal if I weren't with him. The other side of the coin is the fear that his reaction would go the other way and that he would become extremely angry and retaliatory. It's hard to tell which way it would go. I'm more fearful of the depressed/suicidal response. Everything I read leads me to feel somewhat hopeless about any potential change, and sounds like 'confronting' him or even addressing the possibility of a PD is contraindicated and could be counterproductive. I feel stuck. I have suggested therapy for the two of us at least twice and he is resistant/basically refuses, suggests I go, figure out what's wrong and then 'we' can try to fix it. I know that no one here is going to tell me what to do...I guess I just want to hear if others have had the same mix of feelings/thoughts and how you've worked through them. Thanks.

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flybluebirdfly

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Re: Feeling torn
« Reply #1 on: April 19, 2018, 07:41:48 PM »
I  understand what you were feeling, I went through this myself last year. I had to get my own therapy to deal with the suicidal ideation uBPDh was going through, and the guilt about it that I had. Bottom line is someone who is serious about suicide will do it regardless of what others try to do to stop it. If they are serious they will find away. I don’t want to sound callous, I went through this and it was a terrible roller coaster of guilt and fear and resentment.

Bottom line, I could not let it keep me from making decisions about how my own life was going to go. I have not looked back, it is been the best thing for me (6months separated and counting).

However, I totally get what you’re saying about feeling like you’re abandoning someone with diabetes, or illness. However, in my case he did not treat his mental health. I managed all of that for him.  Had it been diabetes, he would’ve had to manage his illness and take care of his own health. That is the difference… Is he managing his mental health?   Or turning to you to make everything be better for him, managing the kids, walking on egg shells, giving up everything so that he was happy.

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11JB68

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Re: Feeling torn
« Reply #2 on: April 20, 2018, 12:04:04 PM »
Thanks flybluebirdfly. Not to sound sarcastic but if he had a major illness I believe he would expect me to manage that for him too. Unfortunately I tend to be a caretaker/people pleaser and I know that I have enabled him for a long long time. I do tend to take care of his every need, partly to try to keep him as 'happy' as possible. So 1) I don't believe he would accept that he has a mental illness (although over the years he has self-diagnosed as some combo of OCD-different from ocPd- and Aspergers). and 2) I don't believe he would take responsibility for treatment. He hasn't been to a regular doctor for about 30+ years.

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flybluebirdfly

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Re: Feeling torn
« Reply #3 on: April 20, 2018, 12:08:04 PM »
Ya I was a crutch. Making his appointments, reminding him etc. Hell, I was the one who filled & out took his emergency psych evaluation forms in for him. The doctor was like - where’s uBPDh?? Shouldn’t that be ON HIM?

Not as long as I did it for him.

Now - no longer my responsibility and while he tried to send the bat signal out for me a few times, my post-sep boundary was that I was no longer his rescuer.

I doubt he takes care of it himself now, his mommy does, I think. But atleast it’s no longer on me.
« Last Edit: April 20, 2018, 12:10:07 PM by flybluebirdfly »

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notrightinthehead

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Re: Feeling torn
« Reply #4 on: April 20, 2018, 06:28:51 PM »
Since you are such a good care taker, do you take good care of yourself too? Do you fulfil your wishes? Do you do what you want to do? Do you make yourself happy? Do you organize your life in such a way that it pleases you?
I can't hate my way into loving myself.