“You’re so much like your mother!”

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jennsc85

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“You’re so much like your mother!”
« on: April 20, 2018, 08:14:35 PM »
My mother works with the public and one of my coworkers who I don’t know very well apparently frequents her place of employment. She told me today, “You look just like your mom!”

This threw me a little bit because most people tell me I look like my dad and in a split second I wondered if everyone who’s told me that has just been saying that because they know about my issues with my mother. Anyways. I told my coworker “Oh, yeah I guess so!” Because I didn’t know what the right response was.

Another very outspoken coworker overheard and she said “Gosh, I hope no one ever says that about me and my mother!”

Then a coworker who I work closely with who knows about my relationship with my mother said “I’m sure Jenn feels the same way!”

So original coworker stops me and says, “Why? Your mom is beautiful! And she’s so nice. She talks a lot. But you guys are just like alike in a lot ways it seems!”

I was honestly at a loss for words. I know she didn’t mean it in a triggering way- of course not! But I felt so many things from hearing that my mother and I are “just alike.” Maybe a first impression of an acquaintance impression is correct. Maybe I’m just like her and don’t even know it.

Has anyone said something like this to you before? I can’t stop thinking about it! And I’m bugged that it’s bothering me this much. It was just a casual comment but I’m overthinking the whole encounter ad nauseum now!

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practical

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Re: “You’re so much like your mother!”
« Reply #1 on: April 20, 2018, 08:39:26 PM »
I think the key is "My mother works with the public and one of my coworkers who I don’t know very well apparently frequents her place of employment. She told me today, “You look just like your mom!” " - in short this coworker is making an interference, is projecting, as she doesn't know you well (if you don't know her well how could she know you well?), and as a matter of fact she also only knows your M's public facade, so she doesn't actually know your M. All you really know is that your M is nice in public, something you knew before I assume, o this was confirmed by this coworker, and apparently you are nice in public too, that is where for me the comparison ends. Your M is beyond needy and difficult in private, you don't strike me as any of those things. Your M makes her problems your problems, while you have been working really hard on yourself.

I understand how upsetting this is. I have some features of my F, it is unavoidable, doesn't make us have the same demeanor, habits or the like. I'm my own person, formed by my own experiences - including my dysfunctional FOO - and what I have made of all of it. Your not your M, or you wouldn't be here for example.

I hope you can soon stash it away under "random, ridiculous things people say who mean well" as I'm pretty sure she meant it as a compliment  :roll:
“If I’m not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when I’m only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when?” (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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all4peace

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Re: “You’re so much like your mother!”
« Reply #2 on: April 20, 2018, 10:33:24 PM »
People used to regularly tell me that my mom looked like my sister. You can imagine the N supply that was for her, and how unwelcome it was to me. These days I'd probably just say, "Huh, really? I guess I don't see it." It stinks, for sure. Glad you have at least one coworker who is a little more tuned into your feelings.

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slugsandsnails

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Re: “You’re so much like your mother!”
« Reply #3 on: April 20, 2018, 10:50:56 PM »
Ouch! I can see how it was upsetting, but as the co-worker in question doesn't know either you or your mother very well, so their opinion can, I guess, be taken with a pinch of salt!

I do look like my Mum - we have the same build, and until she lost 2 inches due to osteoporosis, were the same height. It's not been unknown in the past for someone in the village to see me from behind and call out my Mum's name! One or two of the very elderly ladies of the parish call me by my Mum's name to my face! I just roll my eyes & let it go.

What really used to upset me was constantly being told by my Mum how much I reminded her of my father, her ex-husband, and knowing that her opinion of him wasn't exactly high, I began to wonder what on Earth Mum thought of me. I tried talking to her about it, but she told me not to be so stupid & over-sensitive! Cheers, Mum!
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly for you tread on my dreams.
~ W. B. Yeats

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sandpiper

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Re: “You’re so much like your mother!”
« Reply #4 on: April 20, 2018, 11:37:37 PM »
A block of chocolate looks like a block of laxettes but it has an entirely different effect on people.
Just think of that next time someone wants to tell you how much you resemble your mother.
Works for me  8-)
Feel free to quote me far & wide on that one, preferably to the face of whoever wants to dish up this *compliment* to you despite you looking demonstrably uncomfortable with it.
I would also think there's a huge red flag here in that when this person was made aware that you're not comfortable with the comparison they needed to be *right* rather than empathic.
Huge narcissist giveaway.
« Last Edit: April 20, 2018, 11:40:43 PM by sandpiper »

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daughterofbpd

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Re: “You’re so much like your mother!”
« Reply #5 on: April 23, 2018, 09:04:49 PM »
So original coworker stops me and says, “Why? Your mom is beautiful! And she’s so nice. She talks a lot. But you guys are just like alike in a lot ways it seems!”
Your mom sure has your coworker fooled   :sadno:

Being like my mom would be my worst nightmare. I try extra hard to NOT be like her. My sister and I even have a pact to tell one another if we start acting like her. I see her as ugly because of the ugly behavior she has showed towards me. I would not take kindly to being told I look like her! I would be bothered too.

Are you still NC with your M too? That's kind of a double whammy because your coworker's comments were invalidating (like how could you be NC with your M when she is such a pleasant person?). But your coworker doesn't know you well and she certainly doesn't know what your M is really like, she only sees the polite customer service mask that your M can wear. 
“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego”
~ Amanda Torroni