Update: I think we won...

[boots40]

 After a wonderful conversation with DH I thought I would share how we managed to disarm his PD family's behaviour (whilst still maintain relatively peaceful relationship with them) but also how we rebuilt our troubled marriage.

Boundaries I was never taught how to enforce good boundaries as my dear mother has always been a people pleaser and her advice for her young married daughter was to say 'yes', be really, really 'nice', don't contradict and always let her MIL have her own way.  To any other MIL this would be gift, but it actually left me very vulnerable to an abusive woman.  My husband, coming from a dysfunctional, PD family was raised to never question his angry matriarchal mother, always say yes, fix her problems, never leave her, and allow her to micro-manage his life without contradiction.  22 years after we first got married boundaries now come very easy to us, in fact, we regularly exercise our right to say 'no', have a private life and personal space, even outside the context of a PD family.  It is almost second nature to us now - it took a lot of practice, making mistakes and trying again.  Saying 'no' no longer makes us feel guilty, or keeps us awake at night, we don't  jump whenever the phone rings or the door knocks.  When we say 'no' or put in place any sort of boundary it feels GOOD - like we are back in control of our lives again. 

The consequences of good boundaries initially were not happy ones.  There was a backlash.  Flying monkey's, passive aggressive tactics, aggressive aggressive tactics, accusations and made up stories so nMIL could make sense of why the sudden change in attitude.   But slowly, slowly, slowly she began to accept that we do things on our terms, no point in trying to manipulate and cajole.  No means No. It took years and was the most challenging part of taking back control of our lives. But definitely worth it. 

Grey Rock This has got to be the most powerful weapon in our arsenal.  It's like winning without doing a single thing.  It's what we don't do rather than what we do do.  We don't engage in arguments no matter how much we are provoked.  We use blank or confused expressions when she is trying stir up trouble, we change the subject to neutral/benign subjects, we pretend to be deaf, we get distracted in the other room, we are on our way out, a bit busy....always, always polite as we can possibly be.  They get zilch from us...they only expression allowed is confusion. An additional consequence of GR is when we occasionally get word that nMIL is 'very hurt'  that we don't tell her anything.  Yup that is generally how it goes when you continually fault find and criticize people.  Should have been nicer.  Good to know that she understands the rules that the rest of us follow.  You are supportive, people let you into their lives, if you don't you get nothing.  Not even a facial expression.

Shut down/restrict communications  This was another thing we found easy to do but made a huge difference to the sanctity of our own home. We changed our landline number, she doesn't have any other number or way of communicating with us other than DH's mobile phone.  When she calls he lets it go through to message service so he can communicate with her when he is good and ready and in the right frame of mind to 'deal' with  her.  He can usually tell her mood from the tone of her voice, if she seems angry he will just 'forget' to call back. She has been told that she is welcome to visit our home any time but she has to call first + only visit when DH is here (not unreasonable considering her history).  She obviously didn't like the rules we set in place and several times did not get past the front door.  She has not tried to visit in over 2 years. Her loss. Seriously talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Consistency with visitations This was actually very hard for DH because his mother is very wily at thinking up pointless jobs for him to do in order to get him to visit more - visitations often turned into rants, rants turned into rages.  He decided that he can cope with a 2 hour visit once a month.  This seems to be the sweet spot for keeping her (sort of) satisfied that her son is not abandoning her, but at the same time grateful enough for the visit that she (sort of) behaves herself.  DH is very punctual and consistent, even writes it on her calendar so she knows that he will definitely be visiting.  A consequence of this is that she does not try and manipulate him as much or coerce him, accusations of 'cutting himself off' have died down. Visits are more pleasant.  I sometimes think its the not knowing that made her the most anxious/angry.

Communication with non PD family members I think this is our biggest regret that we didn't do this sooner.  Whenever PD drama, half-truths, down right lies and accusations rear their ugly head, DH sends a VERY BRIEF (one or two sentence) email to his sibs to let them know that such and such is not true and not to take any notice.  Very polite emails that are stripped of any emotion or drama.  Factual and corrective. This has stopped the triangulation in its tracks without exacerbating the drama and they have responded really well to it.  Consequence - better relationship with his non-PD family.

We worked on ourselves/Worked on our marriage It feels like we have escaped a surreal twilight zone,  being raised by a PD mother and having a PDMIL in my life for 22 years has really taken its toll on both of us.  We were left not knowing truth from lie, who we are, left from right, black from white. I didn't trust DH to do the right thing for us, he didn't trust me to not make things worse by reacting to the drama.  I developed anxiety to the point of barely leaving the house. We both developed 'triggers' from certain memories which would leave us moody and difficult to be around.  I needed constant reassurance that I wasn't a 'bad' person, a bad mother, bad wife, bad daughter, bad......whatever. The only thing we ever argued about was his family.

Once we began putting the above in place we slowly stopped even talking about them.  This is really important but we could only do that when we had worked everything out (what on earth had gone on) and put it behind us. It meant the wounds could heal without being re-opened through triggers and negative self talk.  We had space to both start learning who we are (as opposed to who we were told we are).

I have worked hard on my self-esteem and filled my days with positive, constructive things, that make me feel good, surround myself with good people. I take care of my physical health, lost weight, exercise daily.  Finished my degree, began my MA. DH has done a lot of growing up, he has begun to do things not only without his mothers permission but with her downright disapproval.  He has made some positive changes in his life that make me go WOW. He grew a beard at 42 and says it symbolizes his coming of age  .  We have had a bit of a renaissance within our marriage where we have discovered a new attraction for each other and a deep sense of respect (I think we both had lost respect somewhere along the way).  We never argue and are able to LAUGH at some of the more bizarre PD behaviour. Who would have thought it!

As for his family -  uNMIL and uBPDSIL seem to have given up on us (abusively speaking) and moved on to other poor people.  Sad to see others in the family being scapegoated and getting involved in their drama, but that is the way it goes with PDs, they just move on when we lose our usefulness.  We are completely useless to them....

I hope this may help someone.

[xredshoesx]

i love this boots!

[Starboard Song]

 
[sends complaint to website administrators: I need a FAVORITES button]


Thank you for sharing this story of success.

[all4peace]

boots40, this is incredible!! It's really validating to see where your efforts have paid off, as many of them have been our path also. I love the compassion in this also, your wish that your MIL not be abandoned, but the need for your family and marriage to not be harmed.

Communication with non-PD family members didn't work with the IL siblings, but it is so far working well in my family, and I'm thankful to see this on your list as I sometimes am unsure if it's the right thing for me to do. I do as you, "Heads up, mom's upset at me right now so be aware that you may be hearing about me from her. Here's what happened. Have a great day--all4peace" I've also felt this need to not let the PD triangulation tear me apart from my siblings, so it's soooo reassuring to know you've been able to do this in a very low-key, fair, straightforward way also.

Your journey sounds incredibly like mine, only we're just starting on the marriage healing part. Thank you so much for sharing. I'm about to face uNBPDm again, and this helps me sit up straight, in my adult body, and fully reclaim my right and need to hold this space for what matters most to me right now--my kids, my marriage, my life.

I am so very happy for you. I am so aware of how much heartache and hard work got you to this point. And I am so proud of you! Thank you so much for enriching all of us by sharing this--it's something to work towards!

[boots40]

Communication with non-PD family members didn't work with the IL siblings, but it is so far working well in my family, and I'm thankful to see this on your list as I sometimes am unsure if it's the right thing for me to do. I do as you, "Heads up, mom's upset at me right now so be aware that you may be hearing about me from her. Here's what happened. Have a great day--all4peace" I've also felt this need to not let the PD triangulation tear me apart from my siblings, so it's soooo reassuring to know you've been able to do this in a very low-key, fair, straightforward way also.

Glad it helped! I was talking to DH about how we have come and we listed the changes we had made and he encouraged me to share here because it has been the biggest source of information and support in what was otherwise a very illogical, no-win situation.

Not sure whether it has ever been mentioned before regarding sibs and other well-meaning relatives, but I think that was the core of why DH was hurting so much over all the drama.  It wasn't so much his mother - but the poor relationship he had with his sibs because of it.  I think your example of reaching out to them is pretty spot on in terms of keeping the drama to a minimum and yet calling the PDs out on lies and trouble making.  I think however we choose to deal with it, it is important to not communicate via the PD or at least have a means of communicating with relatives outside PD control.  This is where we went wrong.  Information was always passed via uNMIL, leaving it all open to her negative interpretation and her filling in any missing blanks.  Its a miracle they actually all speak to each other!

Good luck with you meeting with unbpdm today. x

[all4peace]

Communication with non-PD family members didn't work with the IL siblings, but it is so far working well in my family, and I'm thankful to see this on your list as I sometimes am unsure if it's the right thing for me to do. I do as you, "Heads up, mom's upset at me right now so be aware that you may be hearing about me from her. Here's what happened. Have a great day--all4peace" I've also felt this need to not let the PD triangulation tear me apart from my siblings, so it's soooo reassuring to know you've been able to do this in a very low-key, fair, straightforward way also.

Glad it helped! I was talking to DH about how we have come and we listed the changes we had made and he encouraged me to share here because it has been the biggest source of information and support in what was otherwise a very illogical, no-win situation.

Not sure whether it has ever been mentioned before regarding sibs and other well-meaning relatives, but I think that was the core of why DH was hurting so much over all the drama.  It wasn't so much his mother - but the poor relationship he had with his sibs because of it.  I think your example of reaching out to them is pretty spot on in terms of keeping the drama to a minimum and yet calling the PDs out on lies and trouble making.  I think however we choose to deal with it, it is important to not communicate via the PD or at least have a means of communicating with relatives outside PD control.  This is where we went wrong.  Information was always passed via uNMIL, leaving it all open to her negative interpretation and her filling in any missing blanks.  Its a miracle they actually all speak to each other!

Good luck with you meeting with unbpdm today. x

Thankfully, I'm not meeting her today. Phew!

Communication started to get very wonky and distorted when it went through uNBPDm, so we started bypassing her entirely. I asked T about this, as it seemed harsh and shunning, and not what we'd normally do, but he said in circumstances like this it was necessary. I'm thankful we did, and I'm thankful that we started with strong bonds, or it could be far worse. Like your DH, it would be losing my siblings that would hurt far worse than our M. We don't want to be disordered, either, so my siblings don't "talk bad" about M, but I also don't want to be stranded on an ice floe with M controlling the narrative, so this has worked ok, just a basic heads up.

Thanks again!

[bloomie]

boots40 - thank you for this succinct and very helpful pathway to peace that you and your DH have taken together. It is so helpful that several members have asked that we make this topic a sticky.

I am another one who can identify very closely with your journey. Thank you for sharing this with us!

[greenscapegoat]

This post motivated me to join this forum.

Thanks for the tactics. Adopting some (okay, most) for my (our) new phase with my uOCPDM, passive triangulation specialist.

[walkingwithhansel]

What an amazing  post.  Seeing this in black and white has been so encouraging.  DH and I have just begun to view our  lives in terms of what we want, not in relation to uNPD family members.  Slowly, we're beginning to focus on our goals instead of the behaviors of his family.  I have to stop myself from trying to refocus on them; oddly, he is the one making more progress in this area right now.

I've been doing a lot of inner work on my own wounds from long ago.  It's just stunning to me how those wounds have  lead to an almost obsessive need to focus on feeding his family's unhealthy behaviors. It really is almost like an addiction.  My inner critic is beginning to take on a neutral voice now, so progress  is being made. I'm beginning to set goals, and actually have fun, both alone and with DH, without feeling nervous about when the other shoe will drop.  That's really an amazing feeling after so many years of walking on eggshells.

Thank you for posting  this,  and making this one a sticky.  It's freeing to know that there are brighter spots down the road for us on our journey. It is possible, and if we want it and work toward it, we can take back our power and live our own lives to the full.

[Wanderingsoul]

This made me so happy to read! GOOD FOR YOU BOOTS!!

[PinkElephant]

It's really inspiring to read a success story like this...maybe there's hope after all!