Looking for others' experience with divorcing

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11JB68

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Looking for others' experience with divorcing
« on: April 25, 2018, 05:15:25 PM »
In the past month or so I've been seriously considering divorce. A few things I've run into that I'm curious if others have had experience with. Although my H is uOCPD and is controlling around many things, including money - I currently make more than he does. I've been advised that I will likely have to pay him alimony. I've done the math and really I don't think it will hurt me very much financially do do this. And the relief at having control over (the rest of) my finances would outweigh it I think. He is self-employed. Will they calculate alimony based on an average of his income over X # of years, or based on the past full year, or the current projected year? (It varies). Also - one fear I have is that he will find himself 'unable' (emotionally) to work if/once I make this decision...and will I then have to fully support him??

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LightOrb

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Re: Looking for others' experience with divorcing
« Reply #1 on: April 25, 2018, 05:37:11 PM »
At this stage my number one recommendation is don't do this alone. I can't stress this enough. Don't guess. Get a lawyer, many offer free consultations so you don't have to pay anything that can appear in your credit card or bank statements. Gather first all documents you can find, and with a clear understanding of your finances (mortgages, insurances, 401k, debts, salaries, anything and everything you can find), spend time talking to a lawyer to see your potential liabilities and responsibilities. Unless you are a divorce lawyer in your state, you are just estimating the potential cost. The rules for alimony depend on many factors, not only if you make more than he does. Duration of the marriage counts, for example. It will depend on where you live. What you can get depends also on how good is your lawyer and any potential leverage you can use.

If your H has a PD, divorce is going to be considered a war declaration, and PDs don't take prisoners.

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Medowynd

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Re: Looking for others' experience with divorcing
« Reply #2 on: April 26, 2018, 02:16:59 AM »
Whatever you do, make sure there is a limit on how long you pay alimony, if that occurs.  Also, don't announce anything until you have all of your ducks in a row.  The last thing you need is to file for divorce and he suddenly can no longer work. 

I would gather all of the documentation concerning his income for as far as back as possible.  You want to show that he has been earning an income for years. 

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11JB68

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Re: Looking for others' experience with divorcing
« Reply #3 on: May 05, 2018, 08:38:14 PM »
Did a free consultation. They seem unable to say how much it might cost....and if it becomes a 'war' it will cost more. Given or length of marriage I could be required to pay him alimony until retirement... (15 or so years!!). I feel it could go one of two ways....he could become angry and vindictive...or he could become extremely depressed...even suicidal....either would be horrible.

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LightOrb

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Re: Looking for others' experience with divorcing
« Reply #4 on: May 05, 2018, 10:19:16 PM »
Of course. The cost of a divorce is proportional to the decency of the spouses. I only discovered how horrible human being I married when I filed for divorce. And I filed knowing he cheated on me.

However, divorce is not a clear cut thing. There are negotiations, and depending on the potential leverage you have, you can get less or more. You could exchange your half on a house, for example, for alimony. Everything depends on you, your leverage, and your lawyer.

I know alimony sounds so horrible, but I urge you to think that alimony is "only" money, while if you stay in an abusive marriage with a PD, you are paying with your soul and your health. I don't mean you have to hurry to do anything, just think carefully about the costs you are paying now.

:hug:

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GettingOOTF

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Re: Looking for others' experience with divorcing
« Reply #5 on: May 05, 2018, 10:41:13 PM »
Get an attorney who has experience with high conflict divorces. Do not discuss any terms of the divorce with your husband (if you decide to divorce), have it all go through the attorney. My ex spouted all kinds of stuff about what I would have to do, none of which were true. He also dragged the process out unnecessarily. He used my concerns against me (pretty much like when we were married)

Attorneys seem expensive up front - and they are, but a good one can save you a fortune.

I also was going to have to pay my ex alimony. Luckily I was able to get out of it (he’d totally moved on to someone else by that stage and he’d told her he was already divorced so I think among other things he just didn’t want a dragged out divorce. She would have left him), but the alimony would have been worth it to be free of him.

I was also shocked at how much money I had once I was no longer supporting my underemployed ex.


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Rose1

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Re: Looking for others' experience with divorcing
« Reply #6 on: May 06, 2018, 05:25:30 AM »
Something worth considering is moving jurisdiction. DH had this recommendation, not from his lawyer who should have known, but indirectly from the Judge. Not sure if it was deliberate or not but she clearly said that a different jurisdiction could provide a fairer result and her hands were tied. Given the other horrible stuff she did I guess it was an accident, but the advice was good.

So I don't have a problem with some alimony. Particularly someone who has been home, and out of the workforce. But it should be to get back on the feet, not a lifetime obligation, or a payment to someone who is avoiding work and other responsibilities.  DH moved to Texas where the rules (10 years ago so things might have changed) included 3 years alimony, ex must use the time to retrain and provide proof thereof.

I hate to say it but I am pretty sure that your H will suddenly find his entitlement gene and be unable to work. If this should be the case, often the courts just allow alimony or increase it. The judge recommended to DH's expdw that she go on social security because she would get more income. She declined saying she wanted DH to pay, and the judge let her.  IMO its better if the person who can no longer work explains that to social security rather than a lenient court that really doesn't want the state responsible for someone with mental illness.

Just my 2c

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clara

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Re: Looking for others' experience with divorcing
« Reply #7 on: May 06, 2018, 02:07:36 PM »
I also had an underemployed ex, but since we were both able bodied adults who had the ability to work if and when we wanted, my lawyer told me he had no grounds to demand anything.  Asking isn't getting.  Others have already said the importance of hiring a good, experienced attorney.  Don't voluntarily give up anything.  Make him fight for anything he wants.  PDs love to intimidate  but aren't used to being intimidated.  They will also play the "let's be friends" game but will ambush you with arguments about "rights" and "entitlements" when all they're spouting is BS in an attempt to get you to get into their court and play their game.  I was amazed at how much my ex thought he could still demand after the divorce was done and final.  He still believed he could tell me what to do and I'd do it (as I'd done during the marriage).  Instead I called his bluff and he backed down and eventually wandered towards what he thought were greener pastures (i.e., three more marriages).  Never saw him again after he targeted his next victim.  Anyway, that was my experience.

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GettingOOTF

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Re: Looking for others' experience with divorcing
« Reply #8 on: May 06, 2018, 07:41:03 PM »
After our divorce was done and final my ex came over to finally pick up the stuff he’d left here.

He walked around my apartment taking pictures of things on his phone. I asked him what he was doing and he said “I’m seeing if GF wants any of this stuff for our new place”.

Clara is right, the entitlement never ends.

(When I tell that story in real life there is a lot more swearing)

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Medowynd

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Re: Looking for others' experience with divorcing
« Reply #9 on: May 07, 2018, 02:25:14 AM »
I hope that was the last time he was in your home.  Their entitlement never ends.

Heck, my ex offered to help me find a new husband.  That doesn’t count the stalker and other misfits he sent my way.