It's that time of year again. Just checking in. How's everyone doing?

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daughterofbpd

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Hey, everyone. I've done lots of healing and feel like I'm doing good with boundaries but I also now suspect much of my anxiety is C-PTSD, so a new layer of healing needs to begin. This process feels never ending and hopeless at times. But this feeling will pass and things will get better. I have managed to avoid most MD propaganda and stay far away from the card aisles this year. I still feel a pit in my stomach this week though - just an overall feeling of yuck. I do feel gratitude for my LO and hope to spend lots of quality time with her this weekend.

How is everybody else doing? Any coping tips?

Wishing you all a drama free weekend. Don’t forget to indulge in some self care.

 :bighug:
“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego”
~ Amanda Torroni

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slugsandsnails

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Hi, daughterofbpd! We've had our Mother's Day here in the UK - it was on the 11th March. It's slightly different here, as originally it was all about your "Mother Church" - girls in service would take the opportunity to go and visit their families and attend their home church. That said, we are still expected to lavish presents on Mama! I got mine a card - didn't dare do any less! I kind of let the whole thing wash over me a bit. I tend to find Father's Day more stressful as I'm expected to get my nstep-dad a "Happy Father's Day" card, adorned with sentiments I really don't feel. I also have to get my bioDad a card - I honestly feel like I've got a split personality or something! I do hope that you and other American friends on the forum get on OK this weekend, and as you say, give yourselves some nice self-care!  :bighug:
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly for you tread on my dreams.
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stasia

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This is the first MD since I've gone NC with M. It's making me me really anxious - like, do I seriously have the cojones to ignore her on MD? I don't want to be back in contact with her, though, so I guess that's what I'm doing. Neither option (ignoring her, or making contact) feels right, to be honest. Just kind of wish the day would go away.

Plans for the day include staying off social media, and maybe doing something nice with Boyfriend (who also struggles with MD because his wonderful loving M passed years ago).


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truthseeker4life

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Mothers day gets easier each year. I don't visit my mom on mother's day. I used to feel like a b but now I make the day about me. I have two young daughters after all. I haven't spent mother's day with my mom since 2016 when I said I can't do this anymore after some of her atrocious behavior sealed the deal.

My husband and my girls usually spend the day just the 4 of us at some garden enjoying all the spring flowers. I focus on being present with people who love me unconditionally and I can trust.

This year I have a family event on the day before mother's day and my mom will be there. I am giving her a generic mother's day card. You can find these in the cheap section. They usually just say "happy mother's day" without any sentiment. And I am going to get her a gift of small things. But I am just going to hand off at the end of the event (after I have spent the whole time talking to other safe people) and say "happy mother's day." And that will be that.   

That's it. I do not plan on calling her on mother's day or expressing any sentiment verbally or in cards I do not mean.

Yes she is my mother but my adult relationship with her is earned. It is not a given (as she expects it to be regardless of her hurtful behavior toward me).

She is not entitled to a real relationship with me if she will not admit fault, change her ways and have empathy for how her behavior affects me.

I used to feel like a real b but now I am beginning to believe this. I do not have to take abuse from her just because she is my mother!

Peace to all.

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Gromit

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Like Slugsandsnails in the UK it has already passed, but there is a lot about MD online because of the US version, it's like it comes twice.

I haven't sent my M a card in years, even before NC. Feels a bit weird being a mother myself, being centre of attention on MD, but I am ambivalent about attention anyway.

My take on MD was that if my M didn't behave like a M in a MD card then she didn't deserve a MD card. Fairly simple & I don't recall getting any personal recriminations about it from foo.

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DustyMemories

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This time of year is... difficult.

I am what I call "virtually" NC with my mother because although I haven't spoken to her for about two years, don't contact her and don't accept any contact from her, I still send her three cards a year: birthday, Christmas and Mother's Day.

This year the Mother's Day card is going out the window. Sending one feels dishonest, as I don't consider her to be my mother in any way other than biological. Making the decision not to send one feels like I'm losing one of the last tendrils of FOG. And I can bypass the painful experience of having to wade through all the warm fuzzy feelings expressed about an ideal fantasy mother I'll never have, until I find a card I can stomach.

On the day itself I'm going to avoid social media and other people - to avoid the inevitable "Have you called your mother yet?" question - and do some self-care. Someone suggested those of us with a PD mother should celebrate ourselves, as we were our own mothers. I like that idea. A lot.

 :bighug: to everyone, if you would like one.

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daughterofbpd

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DustyMemories - I like your plan, regarding no card this year and also celebrating yourself for being your own mother. I love that, actually.
It's tough because we are supposed to honor our mothers when they don't deserve to be honored. I feel like when you are NC, you are set up to fail either way. Either you send a card and it serves as a reminder that you aren't speaking or you don't get a card and you are thoughtless. What's the difference? You might as well be honest and do what feels right to you.

I am in contact with my BPDm and I know that not doing something for her would cause her pain. As much pain as she's caused me over the years, I don't wish for her to hurt like that. I used to give funny cards so I wouldn't feel like I was betraying myself. Now I let LO scribble a card and be done with it. I get a modest gift, nothing I would be resentful about giving later.
“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego”
~ Amanda Torroni

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SE7

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hi daughterofbpd, thanks for asking, because I am dreading this day. I've been getting along okay lately with my BPD/Nm, but only because I keep her at a distance. But I know her expectations will be high, and I have nothing to give (as usual) to a BPD who has everything already. I am extremely cash poor right now, and don't have any idea how I will afford to buy her anything decent, but I will be forced to get her something because how could I not, right?

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DustyMemories

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It's tough because we are supposed to honor our mothers when they don't deserve to be honored. I feel like when you are NC, you are set up to fail either way. Either you send a card and it serves as a reminder that you aren't speaking or you don't get a card and you are thoughtless. What's the difference? You might as well be honest and do what feels right to you.

I am in contact with my BPDm and I know that not doing something for her would cause her pain. As much pain as she's caused me over the years, I don't wish for her to hurt like that. I used to give funny cards so I wouldn't feel like I was betraying myself. Now I let LO scribble a card and be done with it. I get a modest gift, nothing I would be resentful about giving later.

I know what you mean about being set up to fail. My mother is most likely BPD as well. I stopped getting her gifts of any kind years ago, even before I went VLC, because I could never get it right. She always had something negative to say about whatever I got her. I kept sending her Mother's Day cards because I didn't want to hurt her. At the same time the only reason I knew it would hurt her was because the one year I didn't send one, she gave me one of her best guilt trips for that transgression. I was still well in the FOG and learned to send a Mother's Day card without fail.

This year is different. She has stopped sending me cards on major occasions. I'm not stopping her Mother's Day card to retaliate. It's that I'm sick of chasing the love and approval of someone who really doesn't show much interest in me, except for what I can provide her (mainly attention on tap). As soon as I stopped providing, what little interest she showed in me has gone.

Although I am mainly relieved about my decision I still hope she won't feel too bad when my card doesn't turn up. I don't wish her ill and I do hope she finds happiness before the end of her life. You're right. All we can do is what feels the best for our individual situations.

In better news I got a book and two DVDs out of the library today. I know what I'm going to be doing on Mother's Day!

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truthseeker4life

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It's that I'm sick of chasing the love and approval of someone who really doesn't show much interest in me, except for what I can provide her (mainly attention on tap). As soon as I stopped providing, what little interest she showed in me has gone.

DustyMemories

I can totally identify with this. I was my mom's favorite only because I lived closest. Now that my sister lives about the same distance away - my mom has shifted her favoritism to my sister.

It is like I am a bag of garbage. She only calls me if someone dies or for my birthday. When I do talk to her she gets off the phone with me in less than a minute always cutting the conversation short with, "I will let you go now".

I have stopped picking up the phone now because it is too painful to me. It feels like a total control thing. A "I only called to tell you this one thing. You don't matter to me so goodbye."

I only call her on her birthday. I see her at family events but I avoid her like the plague.

She literally tells me "it is my job to have a relationship" with her. She has been verbally abusive to me and smears me behind my back to whomever will give her sympathy (supply). I am sure she is telling everyone she did nothing wrong and I am being so hurtful to her by not doing my job of calling her.

She doesn't need me because she has my 2 sisters and brother who dutifully call her and take care of her because they feel sorry for her as she is a widow (young and healthy mind you at 71).

She plays the widow card but was nasty toward my dad most of their marriage. She never let him talk and would cut him off all the time. She even left him to die by himself when he had a massive heart attack. Weeks before that she was telling me she was told by her pastor that she could "divorce him if she wanted to."

But no one seems to know this side of her except me. She filled me up with the truth then put me out as garbage when she didn't want any one to catch wind of the situation.

I don't trust the woman. Something is wrong with her. Just seems I am the only one that knows this. Everyone else seems to be fooled.

I stopped calling her over 2 years ago and she hasn't cared to know I exist. My family of 4 got in a near fatal car accident and none of my family knows because who would I have told? My mom who uses such things as supply and her flying monkeys my siblings who follow her lead in ignoring me. My siblings whom she makes compete with each other for her "love"?

It is a very sad situation. I used to have severe ruminations of all the awful and confusing lies she has said to me. Is is CPTSD? It seems to have dissipated but only with time and therapy.

I have 2 young daughters and can't imagine treating them the way she treats me. And that is what makes it so painful. The realization of other people are not treated this way by their mother.

To say my mother's love is conditional is an understatement. She is a 5 year old child that follows whomever has the candy (supply and attention for her). If you dont have the candy you might as well be invisible. 

Ok well had to get that out.

I am focusing on being the best mom I can be. I pray for that every day. I think self awareness of our action and apologies go long way. We are human after all and allowes to make mistakes. We just need to own up for them.

Wishing everyone love and peace. Regardless of whether you have a child or not we are all "mothers" to someone in the loving actions we can take toward them.


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bohemian butterfly

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I can tell that I'm getting stronger because this year has def been less stressful than last year.  Last year I stood in front of the card section for half an hour trying to find a "neutral" Mother's Day card (I'm low contact and still struggle with guilt)  Then after finding a card, stressed about what I'd write.

This year, I'm sending her a small gift  (a book) via Amazon.  With Amazon, you have the option of writing a message on the gift receipt.  My message will simply say,  "Happy Mothers Day!"    So, no card that I have to stress over. 


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daughterofbpd

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truthseeker4life - I'm sorry you have to deal with that rejection from your mom. I'm sure being the only one in your FOO who is "aware" gets lonely. On the up side, you can step back and let your sibs compete for her love and stay outta that mess. I hope you enjoy your day with your FOC.

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I have 2 young daughters and can't imagine treating them the way she treats me. And that is what makes it so painful. The realization of other people are not treated this way by their mother.
:yeahthat: I didn't feel the pain until I pictured my daughter being treated the way I was. That was eye opening.
“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego”
~ Amanda Torroni

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Starboard Song

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2 1/2 years NC
6 months them moved off to Florida

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Doing fine, thanks for asking!
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

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all4peace

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I have been feeling great since deciding to make donations in our mothers names for Mother's Day. It feels like a healing, healthy and honest way to honor them this year.

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daughterofbpd

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hi daughterofbpd, thanks for asking, because I am dreading this day. I've been getting along okay lately with my BPD/Nm, but only because I keep her at a distance. But I know her expectations will be high, and I have nothing to give (as usual) to a BPD who has everything already. I am extremely cash poor right now, and don't have any idea how I will afford to buy her anything decent, but I will be forced to get her something because how could I not, right?
SE7 - Your M "should" be understanding of your financial situation. I say go with just a card and/or something small that is within your budget. It sounds like she'll be disappointed either way so try not to put yourself out about it. Good luck!
“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego”
~ Amanda Torroni

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daughterofbpd

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I have been feeling great since deciding to make donations in our mothers names for Mother's Day. It feels like a healing, healthy and honest way to honor them this year.
Love it! Are you telling them about the donation or just doing it as a gesture for yourselves? (Just curious.)
“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego”
~ Amanda Torroni

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all4peace

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We will tell them in an appropriate card.

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moglow

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I've been struggling for weeks, to be honest. Mothers birthday and subsequent drama search wore me down, then she dropped yet another nasty bombshell and added insult to injury. I didn't acknowledge or excuse that bit of nasty and don't intend to. Silence since and I'm good with that.

I had to come to the grim realization yet again that that's who she is and what she does. It's nothing to do with me or anything I do or not. And here we are expected to celebrate them/mothers while being treated as nothing ourselves.

I decided to go with me being me, regardless of her behavior - I called a local florist and sent fresh flowers, just a HMD and my name. I can't give the accolades I'm sure she expects and won't pretend. Oddly enough I felt better once that was done, could just put down the angst and bitterness and continue on.

Duty done for another year. Awful that's how it feels, that there's no compulsion to pretend anymore. Worse in some ways that it doesn't feel bad at all - it's acceptance of what IS.

"Expectations are disappointments under construction.”  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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11JB68

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mothers day is tough for me on a few levels. I've been NC with uPDm for about 14 years. uOCPDh has never been a big fan of any holidays, and doesn't seem to really know how to handle them, also we lost his mom a few years ago. The first heart after dMIL passed, uOCPDfil offered to take us and uPDsil out to eat,which we did and it was nice. Thought maybe that was to be our new tradition...but no. First off, uOCPDh and uPDsil can't stand each other so I think sil had probably told fil she doesn't want to do that. So the next year we went to see fil that day and found he had taken sil out earlier. H and Ds took me for dinner on our way home. Another year I called to say we were on our way up and fil asked did you eat, when I said yes his answer was 'good'. How rude.... Last year we didn't go to fil's that day. uOCPDh and ds took me out. Was having a nice time until h denuded it was a good idea to bring up an issue re ds that I disagree with him on but he wants me to enforce....ugh. Today...they are talking about mothers day on tv (Friday) and h looks up at me and says happy mothers day is it mothers day....me:no...Sunday... It's always on a Sunday...duh.... I almost want to just skip it this year.

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JustKathy

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Mother's Day is getting easier for me, though there will always be triggers. I'm also pretty sure there will always be some depression over never experiencing or even understanding the joy that other people share on this day.

I went NC with my Nmother about ten years prior to her death so had already stopped visiting and sending cards. She's now been gone four years, but it's still a rough day to get through. I make a point of staying away from card aisles at this time of year, and change the channel when a gift commercial comes on. I've found that the single biggest trigger is now social media, so I make sure to stay away from Facebook on that day. All the posts of people's beloved mothers, with emotional messages of appreciation, it's all too much for me. I'm not able to cope with seeing that stuff, so it's best if I don't see it at all.

And of course, groups like this are always my go-to place on Mother's Day. Thank goodness the Internet has given us safe places like this. Having other people to talk to has made an immeasurable difference in my life and my ability to heal. Thank you, all.