A "friend" who isn't a friend...so hurtful...

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WaitingForTheSun

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A "friend" who isn't a friend...so hurtful...
« on: April 28, 2018, 06:03:39 PM »
Recently, at work, I had an incident with a friend who may be covert PD.  It's hard to tell, as I only know her through work, and we've had lunch and dinner together, but that's it.  Basically, I thought of her as a friend and a pleasant person.  Now, I think otherwise... :sadno:

We have to do these silly things at work: co-worker performance evaluations.  The manager makes us do this, because he's lazy and doesn't want to do them.  It's awful!  And, yes, they can be used against you--they go in your records. 

So, my "friend"--I've known her for 4 years--asks me to do hers.  I then observe her and write a VERY nice review.  She said she liked it, and there's no problems.  All is well....

I ask her to do mine, afterwards.  She observes me, and then she WAITS to write it.  And, she waits...and waits...and waits...in the meanwhile, I PLEAD with her to complete it!  There's a STRICT deadline. 

Finally, I get it shortly before the deadline.  And, she writes some not-so-nice stuff about me.   :stars:  Now, this can sabotage my job!   :aaauuugh:

I have no idea why this person would do this to me.  Any suggestions?  Is she a PD?  Did I just miss all the signs and trust the wrong person??   :sadno:
« Last Edit: April 28, 2018, 06:08:07 PM by WaitingForTheSun »

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StayWithMe

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Re: A "friend" who isn't a friend...so hurtful...
« Reply #1 on: April 28, 2018, 06:39:42 PM »
Get yourself an HR professional at once (a lawyer, even).  I hope you can straighten this matter out.

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NoVoice357

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Re: A "friend" who isn't a friend...so hurtful...
« Reply #2 on: April 29, 2018, 05:01:12 AM »
I would distance myself from her, WFTS. Do not let her evaluate your work anymore. This is not her job. I would let your manager know you only want him to evaluate your work. Do this in writing and you will have some evidence in case you need it. Do not use any emotional language in it. Keep it short and professional.

I have no idea why this person would do this to me.  Any suggestions?  Is she a PD?  Did I just miss all the signs and trust the wrong person??

Her behaviour is passive-aggressive. A true friend would never want to do anything that might ruin your job or career. I do not know if she has a PD but she is definitely not healthy. If she did that to you, she might have probably done other passive-aggressive things you have not noticed yet.
I wrote a reply about red flags in the early stages of a relationship with PD women. There are more signs than those listed but at least it will give you an idea if you are dealing with a PD. Most of them are very pleasant and charming at the beginning.
http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=73520.0


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StayWithMe

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Re: A "friend" who isn't a friend...so hurtful...
« Reply #3 on: April 29, 2018, 10:37:25 AM »
I would write a rebuttal to this evaluation point for point.  And if you can rewrite the one that youwrote for her, I would do it.

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WaitingForTheSun

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Re: A "friend" who isn't a friend...so hurtful...
« Reply #4 on: April 29, 2018, 05:00:18 PM »
Thank you for your advice, NoVoice & StayWithMe!  :applause:

I've decided to talk to her before I take it to HR/my boss.  When I spoke with her, I told her that there were some negative things I could have said about her performance.  But, I decided to focus only on her strengths and not get her into any trouble.  She was totally taken aback--I doubt she thinks that she has any flaws!  She thought what she said about me was only "constructive criticism"!   :blink:  Talk about clueless!  :doh:

So, she will redo the review.  I'm guessing she's not a full PD, but is very judgmental, self-absorbed, and has a high self-opinion.  Those qualities can be just as bad for someone doing a review.  So, I will distance myself from her, because I don't want to place myself in such a vulnerable position again.  It's mandatory at my workplace to do these co-worker evaluations--I'll look for a better feedback partner next time.

Thanks again!  :hug:   


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StayWithMe

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Re: A "friend" who isn't a friend...so hurtful...
« Reply #5 on: April 29, 2018, 05:38:47 PM »
Let us know how it goes.

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newlife33

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Re: A "friend" who isn't a friend...so hurtful...
« Reply #6 on: April 30, 2018, 02:39:27 PM »
People are fake and want to use anyone they can to get ahead.  They probably knew that you would write a good review for them and they used you for that purpose.  Then they didn't want you to be better then them so they gave you a lesser review to keep you below them.  It is a sad, twisted, manipulative and hurtful move.  I am sorry that you went through this, here's hoping it doesn't happen in the future and you start to build stronger boundaries.

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Adria

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Re: A "friend" who isn't a friend...so hurtful...
« Reply #7 on: May 01, 2018, 01:09:06 PM »
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We have to do these silly things at work: co-worker performance evaluations.  The manager makes us do this, because he's lazy and doesn't want to do them.  It's awful!  And, yes, they can be used against you--they go in your records.

It sounds like your manager is shirking his/her responsibilities and in a very serious way. Why in the world would a good manager think that coworkers would be fair writing evaluations. This is a huge boundary issue setting everyone up in the office.

Of course this woman used you to write her review because she knows you are a good person and she could trust you would only sing her praises.  This is a very unfair situation your manager has put everyone in. This should be taken up the chain, and these reviews done by colleagues should be trashed and redone my the manager. Ugh!

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clara

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Re: A "friend" who isn't a friend...so hurtful...
« Reply #8 on: May 09, 2018, 12:52:38 PM »
A performance review written by a co-worker isn't worth the paper it's written on.  A manager is a manager for a reason, and should be disciplined by higher authority for shirking this responsibility.   HR officers aren't blind to how people function in a working environment.  They see the issues daily and are well-familiar with worker dynamics.  Demand that the review be withdrawn and an actual, legitimate review be written by your manager as is appropriate.  Make doubly-sure that the manager's comments aren't merely a reflection of what this co-worker wrote.  If they are, or if some sneak in, then yes, refute them with evidence and documentation, if necessary.  I say this as a former HR person.  What your manager did is seriously, seriously out of line.

And as far as your co-worker goes, always remember that she's a co-worker first, possibly a friend second.  And from what you write, no real friend at all.  However, if she's truly NPD or even just a garden-variety narc, she may truly believe what she did is "for your own good" and will be "helpful" to you.  Their inflated ego and sense of entitlement easily spills over into all aspects of their life, and will quickly take advantage of any power given to them, in any situation.  From her viewpoint, she could think she had every right to find the things about you that she considered a negative and bring them up.  Doing the same with her would be unthinkable, however.  You didn't dwell on the negatives because she probably believes she doesn't have them.  Everyone else is fair game, however.  NPDs and narcs can be very good at presenting versions of themselves that don't reflect who they truly are.  Unfortunately, it's in situations like this when you discover the truth. 

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StayWithMe

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Re: A "friend" who isn't a friend...so hurtful...
« Reply #9 on: May 09, 2018, 11:41:36 PM »
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A manager is a manager for a reason, and should be disciplined by higher authority for shirking this responsibility.

I have heard that some companies use peer reviews as part of the evaluation process.

OP, is this normal?