Feeling confused is an understatement

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aac

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Feeling confused is an understatement
« on: April 30, 2018, 09:10:05 PM »
Hi all,
I'm still new to posting in this group and the unthinkable has happened. Being 34.5 years old and having to deal with a BPD/cusp schizo mother my entire life is "all i have known." I honestly never thought I would see this day come, but after finally getting her to see a Psychiatrist for the past 2.5 years, she is actually taking the medication prescribed to her as directed. For the first time in my life, I actually feel like I have a mother and it is just... weird.
NOW, just to give a little back story- she always self medicated with everything you can think of. I guess you can say that I am "lucky" to be able to have a "secret" relationship with her psychiatrist (who is downstairs in my office building). I knew she was never going to open up to him and would manipulate him from the beginning, so call it however you want, but I took matters into my own hands. Provided him with 2 full journals with full notations about her illness, so he had something to work with. He diagnosed her with BPD and she actually did tell me that... but "Forgot." She is the type of person who can not be told what the actual diagnosis is or what the medication she is prescribed is actually fully treating. She thinks that she is being treated for severe depression (which isn't a lie... she just doesn't know that particular medication is actually for schizophrenia).

Anyways, she keeps thanking me and stated that, " I was the only one who never gave up on her." Needless to say, I was bawling. I'm just at a weird point at the moment because even if this doesn't last, at least I know what it felt like to finally have a "mother."

Has anyone else gone through this? I'm just beyond confused at how to act since I've only KNOWN this type of "mother" as having BPD my entire life.  :stars: :stars: :stars: :stars: :stars: :stars: :stars:

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practical

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Re: Feeling confused is an understatement
« Reply #1 on: May 01, 2018, 12:51:45 PM »
I so hope she continues to take her medication and her improvement is stable. I understand how this could be discombobulating, suddenly you don't need all those boundaries, don't have to have your guard up all the time and then again, you might not quite trust that this will last. I think you'll slowly find a new way to relate to your M, just like she will find a new way to relate to you, it will be a process you go through together. Do you know what you want from your M? Have you ever imagined what a relationship with your M would look like? Maybe journal about it and listen to your inner child as well. You cannot get the years back that were lost to her illness, it might still help to write it out and then look what adult you wants. My only other thought would be to treat your M like a self-responsible adult, and apparently she is able to be that now within reason.
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)