Denounced as daughter.why i feel stupid and still angry=happening to kids now?

[scapegoat/caregiver]

There were 3 of us. I was the youngest my brother middle and GC big sister.  When my brother died and during his illness...everyone was somewhat "normal"  together as if we were a family.   About 2-3 years after my brother died of cancer...my GC sister said to me "I'm going to get rid of you....when I'm done with you' ( I do all the work)

Around this time we had a weird meeting , my narc mom and narc dad ...pulled me into his office and said he only wanted to leave all his money to my narc GC sister.  I calmly said to them  " if all the children do not get treated equally it will destroy the family..  I will also go to the next generation... and destroy the relationships the kids have too"   he looked at me with HATE I MEAN REAL HATE... ( we are talking millions, life changing amount which would help the kids too) 

my mom said to him.  "you are punishing her for working hard and having things"  that was the excuse.  I was a single mom and hardly had ANYTHING. my GC sis snob was always unemployed. spent way too much $ and asked my father for money all the time.  POOR GC....she doesn't have a job again.. heard that all my life

I look back at this now and realize this is abuse..... I should have had boundaries which I have adopted since... can not be alone with them  (body guard) .... do not talk about money....they sucked me in with "you are not the exec  of the estate---which was all a LIE--- knowing I would feel responsible and it being a duty---i'm relieved to NOT be in charge Thank god.. Not telling them ANYTHING ABOUT MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS.... they get JEALOUS 

I feel stupid.... I should have stood up said if you do not want me to be your daughter I do not have to be!!!! and if I am not your daughter...then my children  (left in kitchen so they could not hear ) are not your grandchildren !!!  Screw you and never spent another second on THEM

This all happened before i found this site.  as usual i just keep going...acting like this was ok and feeling like i was selfish and greedy and that is why i was upset inside.

Alot has happened since then.... my sister and her son and my nephew-18 yrs  (my brother, who passed away..his son 20 yrs ) got involved in drugs.
they all blamed it on my brothers son.  of course...never Her fault.    the two boys went into rehab.....good thing.  they are doing well and my GC sister's   son left her... to live on his own. he is doing well now..  .  as a result the boys are not freinds and my GC sis hates my nephew.   my GC sister's  nephew does not talk to me anymore because i am NC with his mom. what a mess

I went NC with my GC sis around this time.... she offered birthcontrol pills to my 11 year old daughter and drugs to my son.   I told my parents...well i'm the bad guy.

well anyway...my narc father died....he's in hell now.  like a dutiful daughter i took care of him. and my mom had heart surgery...took care of her.  What is really  weird....my narc mom did not even cry when he died...treated him horribly......inhumane.... too cheap to buy him clothes...she was mad that he wasn't taking care of HER anymore.  she did not cry when my brother died either.   When my narc dad died i was there... GC too busy. 

..now that everything is over. ... my mom is extremely wealthy now...almost giddy with glee from the money ....talks about it all the time

on easter she said i'm going to give each grandchild 20K what do you think.....again...should not have gotten involved...i said well it would be nice...just make sure it is EQUAL...well she gave 0...... nothing...  another promise never kept.   .i asked her what happened?  she said" i don't know i will take care of things later" WTF?

since then....she talks about her $  all the time. she says "if you need anything let me know" well, i made the mistake of saying...my daughter is short $5 K for college this year.   NEVER should have done this!!!!    Well anyway, i showed  concern that my son should get the same...EQUAL ...she said
"HE DOESN'T DO ANYTHING FOR ME WHY SHOULD I HELP HIM" (My daughter doesn't either...they are normal kids living their lives..but I do a lot for her.....)   my response was  "YOU DON'T LOVE HIM? ? "    " I TOLD HER...FORGET IT...I WILL TAKE CARE OF THINGS MYSELF....I blew up and should not have said things I should not have....like I'M JUST GOING TO TELL HER YOU WON'T HELP HER,..... I DON'T KNOW IF THE FAMILY CAN STAY TOGETHER AFTER THIS ANYMORE... I ALSO CALLED HER OUT ON THE EASTER PROMISE SHE DID NOT KEEP ..she said "sorry YOU are so disappointed...ME?  I told her "YOU DISAPPOINTED ..THEM..!!!) Told her if she wants a relationship with me she can not talk about HER MONEY ANYMORE. Told her she was obsessed with money and all she talks about.   

.well.... it did not go well..    I think she has DISCARDED me.  she then gave my boyfreind's son $100 out of the blue ,  she doesn't even like him.... not sure why???   
called my daughter for lunch and gave her $5 after requiring to see the college bill...   

i thought my Narc mom would be different AFTER he died.   she is so worse. (all about money with her)   she hid behind him all these years...now I know she is just as messed up as he was if not MORE
do not know what to do....my son found out she gave $ to my daughter and not him,  and hoping this does not hurt my family.

should i call my mom  ?  pretent this did not happen???  go NC?   

....why do i feel so ashamed.   i am angry at myself for not walking away years ago  from them.... i feel angry at myself for not confronting my NARC Dad and should not have helped all these years...no closure...... i feel like i've been USED and still am.   

I think NARC mom has now disinherited me..... don';t get me wrong.... it's not the money,   although my children and i could sure use it to pay bills.

she is so weird with money and material things...that will be for a another post



 




 

[Fiasco]

It's not for me to tell you to go NC but the behavior you describe is beyond outrageous and all the way to inhumane. If you're holding back from NC in hopes that your children will be recognized in her will i wouldn't. She's shown repeatedly she loves to manipulate with money and will never play fair. That five dollars for college is the ultimate F you to you and your daughter. I'm so sorry.

[scapegoat/caregiver]

She gave my daughter $5000 not $5  Typo

[Fiasco]

Hi again, it's not so much the amount that's concerning but her use of money to control. There have been so many stories on this forum of people who stuck around for the money, thinking their parent owed them that much for all the abuse, and it turned out they'd been out of the will anyway.

[spring13]

Don't kick yourself for whatever you put up with in the past. You were trying to stay connected with your parents. But they seemed to only abuse you.

My advice is the same as Fiasco's—forget about the money. She will screw you in the end. She will leave it all to GC sis or her favorite charity or somebody she meets in the future whom she wants to impress. She will continue to use money to hurt, disappoint, and attempt to control you.

There is no remorse or empathy. I know what you mean. My enDad whom I loved even with his faults and mistakes waited on my mother for 50 years. She ignored and abused him when he was dying. She is more of a monster than I ever realized. All she cares about was money too (although in her case she was not rich and was not responsible with what she did have).

Don't let her talk to you about money anymore. If you still want a relationship, keep it all very surface-y, like conversations about the weather. Act like she's not getting to you and eventually that will be true (and you can also go NC if you feel you can do that). Good luck.

[scapegoat/caregiver]

Thank you so much for all your input and help.   
My mom has NOT reached out to me at all within last couple months.  I did reach out to her and  went to visit her with my boyfriend (bodyguard) .. She spoke to him more than me..could not even look at me really.  She told HIM....  "I missed YOU so much".  nothing to me.
  She offered him gifts.... asked him to take her to her doctor's appointment...(perhaps she wants to USE him now?)....I think I am the broken piece of furniture needing to be replaced?    she offers gifts to people when she wants to be nice to them ( usually something around the house she wants to get rid of) ... she offered him meat from the "financial advisor's farm" .

she gave my daughter $5000 to for college a month or so ago, after offering money to ALL the grandchildren...then not giving it.....then trying not to offer it  again,...then adding conditions to it....eventually ..after seeing the paperwork from the college to see if my daughter was telling the truth about the bill....(which I appreciate and did not thank her for...but my daughter did) she gave her the exact amount needed for this semester

She called  my daughter and while we were sitting there,    my daughter returned the call...,..    ...I acted like I did not know anything about it....  actually I sat there watching tv and acting like I did not hear anything. (grey rock?)   
While we were sitting there.... My mother then continued to speak to my daughter over the phone asking her for additional information and paperwork....saying "my financial advisor says I need a receipt from college saying this is where the money went and dated too" 
(another hoop my daughter has to jump thru???)

when I left to say goodbye...I hugged her...she hugged me back...did not say anything, neither did I... I think this is a goodbye

I spoke to my boyfriend about how I felt .   I feel like I was overlooked.   (disappointed that nothing said about the argument that started all this to resolve it...if anything my mom has DOUBLED DOWN)
I asked him if he could consider not getting involved with helping her...example...taking her to the doctor...??  also I don't feel he should hunt or fish on her land  this fall......feeds her EGO that people NEED HER land for these things...it also gives her ATTENTION ?     am I wrong to feel this way,.... shunned...uncomfortable...hurt...alarmed .. I know she has discarded me... and I think she is rummaging around to get replacement.  which would be my daughter and my boyfriend...am I wrong to ask him not to give her attention??? and to stay out of it???

[gladtobehere]

I truly can relate to all that you have described with your mother. I agree with everyone who says that she is using the money to control you, and that in the end, she will have written you out of the will anyway.

I am going through the same thing. Long story short - my narcissistic mother, who is controlled by my diagnosed but not treated bipolar GC sister, who is highly emotionally abusive - has written me out of her life. She has not answered the phone/returned emails/texts in almost two years (come February). She inherited quite a lot of money - in the 8 figure range - after my grandmother died. And so yes, there is a lot of money at stake. The only time I have heard from her in the past two years was indirectly through an estate planning attorney, who called me to tell me that, because I don't have children, my inheritance would be held in a trust, and at my death, the money would go to one of my sister's sons. My sister, on the other hand, because she has "issue" (children), will inherit the money outright.

This is all because my sister has turned my mother against me. However,  my mother is  not a child and therefore she has some responsibility in all this. She allows my sister to control her.

Prior to all of this happening, several years ago, my mother had convinced me to "rescue" her from living with my sister. Which I did - literally putting myself in harms way and going into my sister's house to extract my mother and her dog and cat, loading up my mom's car, and driving her 11 hours back to my house, where she lived with me and my SO for a year. After a year, I put her in AL because her health and daily liviing requirements were so severe - I could just not do it all (progressive dementia, Type I diabetes, fall risk). Well, she never forgave me for putting her in AL, and my sister used the experience as an opportunity to convince my mother of what a terrible person I am. She talked my mom into going back and living with her - told her that she would help her with being able to drive again (Mom had had a massive stroke a couple of years prior and we had had to take the keys away as she simply was a danger to others and herself on the road). Of course that was a lie, but Mom fell for it and moved back up to my sister's, where she was promptly put into an AL facility. So no, the driving thing didn't happen. Talk about cruel - who does that? Tells an elderly person who can't drive anymore that they are going to get to drive again - as a coercive measure?

Since all that happened, I have slowly put the pieces of my emotional life back together. I have decided to stop trying to have a relationship with my mother - she has made it clear that she does not want to have one with me.

[scapegoat/caregiver]

thank you gladtobehere
welcome to the site. so sorry you have gone thru so much. it is amazing to me your mother has attached to someone with so many problems.
Mean attracts Mean
my NM still has not called. I am expecting a letter or something from her financial advisor saying I'm out of the will....I guess this would be the next step.   meanwhile trying to move forward with my FOC
thank you and good luck