Young kids' intuitions around PD parents?

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11JB68

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Young kids' intuitions around PD parents?
« on: May 04, 2018, 04:06:19 PM »
I'm curious if any of you who were raised by a PD parent remember having any intuition around this as a young child. I'm remembering a situation in which my s was upset/maybe acting out a bit...I was trying to console him and uOCPDh decided to take control of the situation, picked him up and s immediately got very upset and said 'you're freaking me out'. Which at the time seemed an odd response/comment (for a 5 year old?) and uOCPDh's response was to get even MORE angry/controlling. It's just a weird memory and I don't think s will remember it at all...

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Amadahy

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Re: Young kids' intuitions around PD parents?
« Reply #1 on: May 04, 2018, 07:09:14 PM »
Yes!  I was repulsed by my PDgrandfather, a mean man.  My parents were forever trying to get me to hug and kiss him and I, normally very compliant, would balk every time.  Kiddos know.  My own kiddos knew about my Nmom without me telling them, too.  :hug:
Ring the bells that still can ring;
Forget your perfect offering.
There's a crack in everything ~~
That's how the Light gets in!

~~ Leonard Cohen

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SE7

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Re: Young kids' intuitions around PD parents?
« Reply #2 on: May 05, 2018, 07:25:08 PM »
I"m trying to think of examples since I was raised by two of them .. one comes to mind about my uBPD/Nm whenever she tried to hug me or kiss me, and it continues to this day as an adult. I always felt the need to pull away anytime she tried to do either - I mean like I'd cringe and lean away, and be like 'no, stop..' even though she meant it in a loving way. For me it is the feeling like I'm being overpowered  & engulfed. She has what I consider to be an aggressive touch, meaning not gentle or empathic in the way that I am. I feel bad about it, but it's nonetheless disturbing. There's even a family photo of her trying to hug & kiss me as a toddler and me looking off into space looking kind of scared!

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11JB68

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Re: Young kids' intuitions around PD parents?
« Reply #3 on: May 05, 2018, 08:20:57 PM »
Se7...thx. That sounds familiar. I believe h has ocpd...and yes his touch feels possessive....assertive...etc to me sometimes...that may be what s was picking up on....

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HeadAboveWater

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Re: Young kids' intuitions around PD parents?
« Reply #4 on: May 06, 2018, 06:03:44 PM »
Definitely! I didn’t think my father was necessarily abnormal or abusive, but I knew I was afraid of him. As a kid, I never saw larger patterns in it, but I knew that my father felt like an intimidating presence and that I often feared being around him. Little but constant criticisms and rage-y moments let me know that he was not a warm, trustworthy presence. I wasn’t alone, either; my friends didn’t like coming over when he was around.

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Gaining Clarity

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Re: Young kids' intuitions around PD parents?
« Reply #5 on: May 06, 2018, 07:09:50 PM »
When I was about five, I asked my mom to lie down with me for a few minutes at bedtime. Although she consented to my request, I could feel her seething. I vividly remember thinking, "My mom really doesn't like me." Over the next 50 years of abusive behavior towards me, this very same thought resurfaced again and again.

Kids, like animals, instinctively know the bad from the good. My dog exhibits this trait. Most times when we're out walking, he gets very excited to see and greet people. But every now and then, he just stops and stares at one, then keeps walking while occasionally looking back over his shoulder. I'm learning much from him  :yes:

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truthseeker4life

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Re: Young kids' intuitions around PD parents?
« Reply #6 on: May 08, 2018, 02:27:16 AM »
My 2 year old daughter used to cry, "no - I don't want to go to grandma's house"!!!

She knew my mother was not lovingly grandmotherly and didn't want any part of it.

Pretty bad because most kids love their grandma because they are doted on, given lots of attention and able to get away with a lot while there.

She knew.

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Gromit

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Re: Young kids' intuitions around PD parents?
« Reply #7 on: May 08, 2018, 03:57:47 AM »
I hated to be kissed at bedtime or whenever, I would squirm away.
Not sure if it was just because my mother would insist on kissing me when dropping me off at infant school and would get her lipstick on me which then necessitated it being wiped off with spit on her hankerchief, yuk!

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daughter

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Re: Young kids' intuitions around PD parents?
« Reply #8 on: May 08, 2018, 10:51:03 AM »
I'm very aware of two specific episodes that occurred shortly after I turned 7, where I realized, even as a young child, that my mother was mean and always potentially "dangerous" towards me.  At that very young age, I was already wary of her, fearful of her, aware that she could easily erupt with inappropriate anger and harsh punishment for the slightest disappointment or presumed provocation.  These two early Big Bad Behavior episodes are still vivid to me.   

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daughterofbpd

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Re: Young kids' intuitions around PD parents?
« Reply #9 on: May 08, 2018, 06:12:16 PM »
I love how honest young kids are. BPDm talks loudly and gets in LO's face (trying to be fun grandma but it is annoying). Toddler LO isn't afraid to tell her to be quiet, stop talking, and go away.  :rofl:
“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego”
~ Amanda Torroni

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openskyblue

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Re: Young kids' intuitions around PD parents?
« Reply #10 on: May 08, 2018, 06:41:38 PM »
I'm curious if any of you who were raised by a PD parent remember having any intuition around this as a young child. I'm remembering a situation in which my s was upset/maybe acting out a bit...I was trying to console him and uOCPDh decided to take control of the situation, picked him up and s immediately got very upset and said 'you're freaking me out'. Which at the time seemed an odd response/comment (for a 5 year old?) and uOCPDh's response was to get even MORE angry/controlling. It's just a weird memory and I don't think s will remember it at all...

In my experience, my son doesn't remember a lot of particular incidents with his father (my ex) who is NPD crossing over the line into ASPD. But he does have very clear feelings of anxiety and fear from growing up around his dad, who was frequently unpredictable, enraged, and put our son in harm's way multiple times.

It seems like you have concerns about how your children are being affected by their father's behavior. I've been following your other thread about your daughters. It seems like it might be helpful for you to find counseling for yourself and/or your kids to get you all help.

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openskyblue

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Re: Young kids' intuitions around PD parents?
« Reply #11 on: May 08, 2018, 06:58:07 PM »
 :stars:

Eeek!  Please ignore that ast paragraph. I completely got the wrong end of the stick and mixed up my response to you with another I was thinking about. I'm very sorry about that.

Your question -- about what kids remember, how they intuit later -- is really an interesting one. I tend to think that all our experiences are processed whenever they occur, get filed away in one neural pathway or another, and in that way they stay with us. We might not actually remember them, but our brain structures and bodies do.  So when you "get a weird feeling" about someone or "feel it in your gut" or get triggered, that is those systems reacting based on prior experience.

Well, that's my theory anyway. I've learned over the years that I should have been listening more closely to my gut.

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11JB68

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Re: Young kids' intuitions around PD parents?
« Reply #12 on: May 08, 2018, 11:53:33 PM »
Open sky blue....it's ok. I was confused at first by your first comment...and was ready to reply and say 'hey that's not me!'....then read your next comment...it is hard to keep track of who's who sometimes.... I only have one son and he's now 20...news doing okay....mostly better than ok. ☺. My question/story was more party of my process of remembering certain situations and trying to understand....thanks for your input. ☺👍

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11JB68

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Re: Young kids' intuitions around PD parents?
« Reply #13 on: May 08, 2018, 11:56:32 PM »
Not news doing ok.....he's doing okay....darn autocorrect

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Some One

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Re: Young kids' intuitions around PD parents?
« Reply #14 on: May 09, 2018, 01:43:42 PM »
As a child I thought my mother was cold and cruel.  I felt unsafe around her.  My father seemed linear and simple minded in his interpersonal life, yet he was smart in his career.  He was odd to me.
 Something seemed very off about him and this would develop more as I got older, so would my mothers sadism.


I will not pretend. 
I will not put on a smile. 
I will not say I'm all right for you,  
~Martha Wainwright.

NC almost 9.5 years with Nmom.  Enjoy the Silence.