[slugsandsnails]

First of all, I just want to say that I hope everyone in the US is OK today, and that Mother's Day isn't proving too much of a strain. It must be very hard.

As I said I would, I popped into see Mum after church today. I didn't stay long, thankfully, and she didn't try to talk me into staying longer. She was her usual self - pretty negative and complaining (she is particularly upset that a larger lady won Eurovision last night!) The she suddenly said, out of the blue, "May I just say something? Your clothes are smelling very strongly again - that cardigan smells very strong. What soap powder are you using?" She's been on this particular hobby horse before & I've asked other people for confirmation - no-one else can smell anything.

I asked my step-dad if I smelled strongly & he said that I did - I smelt of soap powder that hadn't been rinsed out properly! Mum's now saying I need to change my laundry detergent! It does my head in because I've no idea what she's on about. I am clean, and I do wash my clothes! 

Maybe, as my registered carer, Mum should be doing my washing for me as I clearly can't do it right! 

Tomorrow is going to be busy & half of it spent with my parents. I'm having my hair cut at theirs (Mum's next door neighbour is a hairdresser!) & then we are going to my hospital appointment (she said again how important it was for her to be there.) Mum is also going to her carer's support group in the morning (I would love to be a fly on the wall...) My step-dad said to me that it was all a real nuisance, running us around.

So, fun times...

[LeeJane]

What? Your clothes smell clean and washed?    That has stunned me.

Your coment about your mum upset about the larger lady winning ESC sounds very familar to me, my PD mum went on about bigger people too.  Like a personal insult to her or something, I dont really understand. Mum was a bigger lady herself.

[slugsandsnails]

Thanks, Leejane - it seems to be the scent of my detergent which "bothers" Mum - I just think she can't resist crossing boundaries and creating mini-dramas! It's interesting - a lot of people with PD tendencies have a real bee in their bonnet about larger people. My Mum is as thin as a rake, btw - she doesn't seem to realise that we're all meant to be different!

[Sun]

Yes that sort of comment is classic! She has clearly never heard of ' if you can't say nuthin' nice, don't say nothin' at all'!

Re your other posts- I understand that you feel that next weekend will be difficult,  but in actual fact, your new way of life is a perfect way to gracefully slide out from this enmeshment.

I know the silent order comments were said somewhat 'tongue in cheek', but have you considered that you will want to spend time silently reflecting/ meditating (not sure if Franciscans meditate - apologies if not) so without JADEing, you might say to your mother that your phone will be switched off for varying lengths of time. I only suggest telling her at all as I can picture her turning up on your doorstep if you don't answer the phone.

Or, let her turn up, tell her you've been busy, and play the stuck record. Loads of great advice on the forum about how to respond with MC.

[slugsandsnails]

Thanks, Sun! The irony is that Nstep-dad's personal hygiene leaves much to be desired. He only has a shower approximately every 10 days, and his clothes are generally filthy, so why I'm being told off for my clothes smelling like detergent (which suggests they must be clean!) is anyone's guess!

I am looking forward to next weekend when I won't have to negotiate with them (I'll doubtless gets lots of waify phone calls from Mum claiming to have forgotten, or not understood that I'm not going over, but hey-ho!)

I used to do Transcendental Meditation twice a day, but haven't for a while now - I ought to reinstate it. I need to cultivate some self-discipline! Plus I say morning and Evening prayer now so I don't answer my phone during that time. I can turn my mobile off but sadly I can't switch off the landline, as the plug is inaccessible!

Mum did indeed come charging over to my flat on one occasion - it was a few months ago now. She rang to say she wouldn't come over, as it was raining, but when I said that I wouldn't be seeing her over the weekend she said, "I'm on my way!" and came racing over - it was ridiculous - she got soaking wet and only stayed for a few minutes! All triggered by my saying I wasn't going over! 

[The New Me!]

Hi, S&S,

Perhaps you could give your step-dad some tips on washing clothes or perhaps his nose is more used to the smell of unwashed ones!  If you like your brand of wash powder and fabric conditioner who gives a fig what they think!?

I'm afraid some people are only happy when they're moaning and if they had nothing to moan about then they'd be even more miserable!!

Good luck for tomorrow.  Reward yourself with a treat when it's all over!  Perhaps think about changing your hairdresser too, maybe!?

[slugsandsnails]

Thanks, The New Me! I think Mum's given up trying to encourage step-dad to improve his hygiene - I dread to think what he'll be like if she passes away first - it will be a nightmare! He'll probably give up entirely. He's never even put the washing machine on himself.

I think Mum just can't resist having a little dig - she has to squeeze one in somehow!

The hairdresser is a lovely lady - she has actually offered to come to me before - I might take her up on it, once my kitchen ceiling has been fixed!

[The New Me!]

Yes, good idea.  I'd be loathed to swap my hairdresser too and it'd be good on all fronts if she could come to your house. 

[slugsandsnails]

Yes, indeed, The New Me! It would make life easier all round! I bet you Mum wouldn't be too keen though & would want to know why!

[Medowynd]

I hope your mother has plans for Stepfather.  Since she is your carer, that is one thing that she can't expect you to do, is take care of that man.

[slugsandsnails]

Absolutely, thanks Medowynd - I really can't take care of him, although I doubt Mother has made any actual plans! She has infantalised him all their married life, and he is basically like a big, angry child - I'm not taking that on! He wouldn't take care of me if anything happened to Mum (not that I would want him to tbh - without my Mum applying the brakes, I dread to think how his PD would develop). He has already explicitly said so - a while back, he said that Mum was heading for a nervous breakdown, which meant that he would have to take care of her & which would mean that I was "completely stuffed". Nice!

[slugsandsnails]

Well, after all that, my hospital appointment was cancelled - with 2 hours to go! I am not impressed but there's nothing I can do - they're going to send me a new one... one day... aargh! Anyway, I'm strongly considering not telling Mum the new date, but just going. However, she will hate that & I'm not sure it's worth the aggro.

In other news, I went over to Mum's which is where I have my hair done as her next door neighbour is a hairdresser. Mum had been to one of her carer's meetings, and was talking about it. When she left the room, the hairdresser said, "I didn't know your Mum cared for somebody!" "Yes," I replied, "Me!" She couldn't believe it! I explained the situation a little bit in as quiet a voice as possible. I didn't want Mum's neighbour to think badly of her, but it really grates when Mum goes around saying to people she's my "registered carer". My hairdresser thought it was very strange, but that perhaps Mum needed a "role" in life.

Anyway - something Mum omitted to tell me & I can't believe I didn't ask - I found out today that the hairdresser works in a salon down the village on my bus-route - right by the bus-stop in fact. it's virtually door to door. No real need to go to Mum's at all! So that's what I'll do in future - I like this hairdresser & am erluctant to lose her! I mentioned it to Mum who seemed OK about it, but said that it would probably cost me more in the salon. We'll see!

In other news - I asked Mum if my sweatshirt smelled strongly of detergent. Yes, she said. "Well, Mother, that's funny because I've only worn it twice and HAVEN'T WASHED IT YET!" Not much she could say to that lol!

[The New Me!]

Hi, glad you 'survived' today.  Been nice to visit your hairdresser at the salon; have a drink and natter; without your Mum!  Win, win all round... :-)

[slugsandsnails]

Thanks, The New Me! Yes, it will be nice to go to the salon for a change! Poor Mum - I'm not going over to hers at all this weekend, but haven't broken the news yet... wish me luck!

[The New Me!]

Hi, it's very hard isn't it?  Just try and be assertive, which is easier said than done, I realise that.  Although you do have to start somewhere and it will get easier the more you do it.

[slugsandsnails]

Yes, it's very hard, The New Me! Technically, blowing Mother off this weekend shouldn't be too difficult as I've genuinely got other things on - I've got a Franciscan group meeting on Saturday, and my nephew's birthday party on Sunday! I've managed to get a lift for Saturday, which is great!

In other news, I asked my friend this morning if she could smell anything "funny" on me, and she said no - she wasn't just being polite, either, as she knows that I would really rather have the truth! She thinks it's just my Mum trying to belittle me, make me anxious and keep me off balance - sounds awful seeing it typed out like that - I don't even think she's doing it consciously - she just can't resist a dig!

[The New Me!]

Your clothes don't smell funny, they smell clean!  Instead of getting upset about these comments say something to them.  If you don't like the comments then you have every right to say something.  Perhaps say your step-dad's clothes smell sweaty, which they will if he doesn't shower that often!  So what if there's a row; it might make you feel a bit better if you lose your temper with them.  I most certainly felt better when I told my step-dad and Mum a few home truths.  We don't have to put up with being spoken to like a child; we're an equal, an adult and it's unacceptable. 

[slugsandsnails]

Thanks, The New Me! Sometimes I really do feel like telling my parents a few home-truths - this constant grey-rocking is exhausting! Hanging onto all this tension - spending hours seething inside because I can't express myself - well, it can't be doing me any good! I'm sure it's been a factor in my health problems! I've been doing it for years.

I'm not so much upset about these comments as bewildered, wondering what it all really means! But that's probably a waste of time - it's all part of the "campaign" to wear me down & keep me uncertain of myself. I did want to make sure they didn't have a point, though, which is why I asked for a second opinion on the smell, lol!