[Starlight77]

My uBPD hermit/waif/witch mother will almost never attend events. She frequently "gets sick" or "has car trouble" before weddings or other important days. Or she will be openly hostile about attending something, usually citing a slew of negativity about the particular family member. Even if it's a child! "I won't give that brat a THING. I won't reward the parents by showing up at their child's birthday party. Who do they think they are?"
She won't attend anything of mine, either. No awards, no functions, doesn't even want to meet me for lunch. She will not attend birthday parties for her grandchildren, school events, etc., and only has very limited contact. She says it's just too stressful.

[Gaining Clarity]

I feel for you, Starlight.

My Nmom is like this too. Couldn't care less about children or grandchildren. Has no qualms about literally saying, "I don't feel like going to their graduation, sporting event, birthday party or whatever the event is". Never went to any milestone events in my kid's life except college graduation (only because we drove several hours to get her, paid for her hotel stay and meals, drove her home and then drove several hours home ourselves). One time, she actually proudly proclaimed she'd attended every event in my kid's life. He looked at her with incredulity and said, "No, you didn't."

She's gone so far as to tell me she doesn't feel like buying birthday or holiday gifts for him because she's too tired. But will then launch into a story about how she spent all day helping a random friend. 

Never attended anything for me except (very grudgingly) my high school and college graduations. Made a point of letting me know what a pain it was for her.

[jennsc85]

No, not really. Although I don’t really want her to.

She usually has an excuse as to why she can’t (back when I felt like I had to invite her) but I was always so relieved when she had an excuse because I didn’t want to deal with her.

I mean, if she’s too hot or too cold, she complains loudly. She gets up, she finds someone in charge, she complains to them. She switches seats. She talks when it’s supposed to be quiet. If you shh her, her eyes get all ragey and she talks down to you like you’re a child and people start to stare. Sometimes she starts crying if she thinks you’re being cold towards her...

This is pretty much how any event she’s ever gone to has went. I’m just thankful my kids don’t have to deal with all that!

[all4peace]

That's actually all that uNBPDmil and enFIL would do. The strange part is they'd leave immediately without talking to our kids afterwards. I never understood that, as to me one of the main points is connecting with the person you've come to see.