Good Mothers Don't Cause C-PTSD

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LSK1999

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Good Mothers Don't Cause C-PTSD
« on: May 08, 2018, 11:26:31 AM »
I woke up this morning with this thought. I have been struggling quite badly with the fog and inner critic recently after going low contact with my NPD mother for the first time in 42 years of life. I realized today that when feelings of guilt, shame, and obligation start to pop up and questioning what I am obligated to her for, I need to remember that good mother's do not give their children C-PTSD. Bottom line, simple as that. I read an article the other day that said that it is so hard for us to break this psychological bond because it happened in childhood, and we had to learn to rely on the concept that our mother was good and the badness was then internalized. Abandonment by the good mother would have meant death, so we clung as small, vulnerable, terrified children to the concept that our mother must be good. This was a deeply embedded psychological response, and in my mind does well to explain how we as people in our 40's or 50's were unable to accept our parents for the seriously flawed people they were. The power of our unconscious mind will never cease to amaze me.

The fact that this so is psychologically deep in us makes it seem an impossible task to fully remove this haze.....but we are doing it anyway....GO US!!! It's so so hard, and I am in awe of how many of us on here are still terrified of our parents at ages ranging from 20's to 60's. Breaking this bond and this idea of the good parent is a fight, please keep fighting!!! Don't ever give up, please know that most people do not view their parent's as a source of fear and terror but a source of unconditional love. AND WE DESERVED THAT TOO!!! I am angry today, but not just for myself, but for all of us. We deserved so much more. Sending so much love to each and every one of you, please know how very much you deserve it  ;)

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daughterofbpd

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Re: Good Mothers Don't Cause C-PTSD
« Reply #1 on: May 08, 2018, 05:39:23 PM »
I read an article the other day that said that it is so hard for us to break this psychological bond because it happened in childhood, and we had to learn to rely on the concept that our mother was good and the badness was then internalized.
So true. Thank you for the encouraging message.
“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego”
~ Amanda Torroni

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LSK1999

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Re: Good Mothers Don't Cause C-PTSD
« Reply #2 on: May 08, 2018, 06:42:34 PM »
Yes of course :) I seem to be at my clearest in the early part of the day, I have to admit sometimes by the end of the day I revisit my own posts as a reminder to myself  :stars:

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all4peace

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Re: Good Mothers Don't Cause C-PTSD
« Reply #3 on: May 08, 2018, 07:25:11 PM »
Thank you, LSK1999! I'm in my 40s also, and went completely weak when recently receiving communication from uNBPDm. I appreciate you pointing out the obvious, as we can get so FOGged that we forget the obvious. It will help me find a safe and honest relationship with uNBPDm, that accounts for our entire lifetime.

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LSK1999

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Re: Good Mothers Don't Cause C-PTSD
« Reply #4 on: May 08, 2018, 07:49:57 PM »
Thank you, LSK1999! I'm in my 40s also, and went completely weak when recently receiving communication from uNBPDm. I appreciate you pointing out the obvious, as we can get so FOGged that we forget the obvious. It will help me find a safe and honest relationship with uNBPDm, that accounts for our entire lifetime.

It will never cease to amaze me the helpless child I become around her, so frustrating!!!! 

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SE7

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Re: Good Mothers Don't Cause C-PTSD
« Reply #5 on: May 09, 2018, 12:18:07 AM »
Yes, LSK1999, this really resonates with me "how many of us on here are still terrified of our parents at ages ranging from 20's to 60's" .. because terror is exactly what I felt living with my NPD & BPD parents for over a year after having been on my own for several decades. I didn't know it was possible to be scared of my own F while I am in middle age & he's a senior citizen! It was such a truly terrible experience, but I learned from it why I've been suffering for so long in life. I came face to face with the original source of it all, and now I'll always know! The greatest sadness I have is that it took this long to figure out why, but better very late than never at all.

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LSK1999

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Re: Good Mothers Don't Cause C-PTSD
« Reply #6 on: May 09, 2018, 03:10:36 AM »
Yes, LSK1999, this really resonates with me "how many of us on here are still terrified of our parents at ages ranging from 20's to 60's" .. because terror is exactly what I felt living with my NPD & BPD parents for over a year after having been on my own for several decades. I didn't know it was possible to be scared of my own F while I am in middle age & he's a senior citizen! It was such a truly terrible experience, but I learned from it why I've been suffering for so long in life. I came face to face with the original source of it all, and now I'll always know! The greatest sadness I have is that it took this long to figure out why, but better very late than never at all.

I couldn't agree with you more, it saddens me to think of people living their entire lives in denial of reality. Lives lived in pain, fear, and suffering and never understanding why. I think terror is a great way to describe what most of us feel. Fear just doesn't seem to do it justice. Thanks for your response, wishing you all the best   :D

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truthseeker4life

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Re: Good Mothers Don't Cause C-PTSD
« Reply #7 on: May 09, 2018, 10:29:49 AM »
Thank you lsk1999! Thank you for challenging my inner critic today especially with mother's day fast approaching here in the US. Thank you.

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blacksheep7

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Re: Good Mothers Don't Cause C-PTSD
« Reply #8 on: May 09, 2018, 12:48:10 PM »
LSK1999  Good Mothers don't cause C-PTSD.   You bet they don't!   This is a very good reminder when we tend to feel guilty or slip back into the fog.

Ten years ago, my BM became a widow.  Before that, she lived in NF shadow.  He kept her quite content but always had her passive-aggressive remarks that we didn't give her enough attention, not calling or visiting often enough, no  N supply or as I say, not filling her half empty glass.  Those remarks  were like paper cuts, ouch, that hurts!  Becoming a widow brought out the true BP nature.  When she raged at me on New Years Eve, like I was a piece of Crap, not a beloved child of hers, I said wtf is this, NF is back.  I went nc the first time.

It is sad that ACONS fear their parents, I was in that situation with NF for a long time.

I remind myself that parents should have their childrens best interest at heart, not the other way around.   This experience reenforced my relationship with my adult childern, always putting their needs first.



I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear.

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bohemian butterfly

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Re: Good Mothers Don't Cause C-PTSD
« Reply #9 on: May 09, 2018, 01:09:04 PM »
Thank you so much for posting this.

I think that we all should remember that we all ended up here because we knew, deep inside that something was wrong.  We didn't find this forum by accident.   

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LSK1999

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Re: Good Mothers Don't Cause C-PTSD
« Reply #10 on: May 09, 2018, 05:02:12 PM »
Thanks so much everyone, today was a day I needed to come back and read my own post. I hate the days when I seem to wake up with the inner critic going crazy in my mind. These days, ironically the inner critics voice seems to have changed from telling me I must be taking care of my NM to shaming me for not seeing any of this sooner and the horrible way I have allowed myself to be treated (yeah, like I had a choice in the matter). Sometimes I want to just call my mother and scream and yell at her the way she has at me my entire life and just tell her once and for all just whose fault it all is, sometimes I wonder if it would give me some of the power back that she took away from me. I know what her reaction will be....denial, rage, shaming, guilt...but I can't I scream just as loud as her? In the long run I know it's probably not worth it and will just give her ammunition to use against me with anyone who will listen. But then again what do I care what any of them think, I know the truth.

Has anyone else ever gotten to this point I wonder, and acted on it? I am wondering if I feel the need to do this because I already know that if she ever rages and shames at me again I will end contact all together. She for the better part of 2 years has learned she can't outwardly abuse me anymore (my fiance flipped out on her) so my LC with her is very covertly manipulative and abusive. I just wonder if anyone else has had a big confrontation or situation that led them to go no contact. Thanks again guys....you are the BEST  ;)

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louisebt

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Re: Good Mothers Don't Cause C-PTSD
« Reply #11 on: May 10, 2018, 07:01:37 AM »
needed to hear this today. My partner who is lovely just doesn't get it as he has such a lovely mum. He posted me something on facebook about how talking to your mother induces oxytocin release and feel good bonding hormones... what a weird post! Not even sure what he was trying to say to me.
 I just wrote back and said... umm, nope not in this case, the complete opposite, talking to her gives me a trauma/fight/flight reaction and makes me feel extremely unsafe. That's the problem!

 :stars:

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DustyMemories

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Re: Good Mothers Don't Cause C-PTSD
« Reply #12 on: May 10, 2018, 09:54:34 AM »
He posted me something on facebook about how talking to your mother induces oxytocin release and feel good bonding hormones... what a weird post! Not even sure what he was trying to say to me.
 I just wrote back and said... umm, nope not in this case, the complete opposite, talking to her gives me a trauma/fight/flight reaction and makes me feel extremely unsafe. That's the problem!

Hell, no. Oxytocin flees in the presence of my mother and is sharply replaced with anxiety and adrenaline. I get it, louisebt.

I need to remember that good mother's do not give their children C-PTSD.

Thank you for posting this. It is a good reminder. My mother wasn't "that bad" compared to some, yet last year a psychologist suggested I might have CPTSD. I am in the process of finding help to confirm that provisional diagnosis and treat it. Whether it's CPTSD or not, it's inarguable that she left me with a lot of healing to do. The extent of the damage has only really become clear to me since I went VLC about six years ago, then NC two years ago. Over that time I've started to recover: I have come a long way, however I still have a long way to go.

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LSK1999

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Re: Good Mothers Don't Cause C-PTSD
« Reply #13 on: May 10, 2018, 12:20:17 PM »
I just wrote back and said... umm, nope not in this case, the complete opposite, talking to her gives me a trauma/fight/flight reaction and makes me feel extremely unsafe. That's the problem!

 :stars:

I totally understand and know that people's denial of the reality that all mother's are not good is hugely damaging to us. We operate in a society that is largely consumed by what I have heard called "the mother myth" most people are wired to almost instinctively believe that mothers must love their children. This is a super hard concept for people with normal loving mothers to understand. When I first started to come OOTF, my fiance was actually making things worse for me by telling me that my mother did love me that she was just messed up. We have come quite full circle in regards to that. He now knows the truth about my NM and her covert abuse of me. He is farther Out of the FOG than me and is very protective of me and wants me to have as little contact with her as possible. He readily admits now to being blindly ignorant to the fact that mother's like mine exist. He has become an expert on spotting her manipulation tactics and points things out to me that I still have a hard time seeing.

Just so you know I am all too familiar with the feelings of terror, dread, and anxiety our types of mothers create, if anyone doubts you maybe give them a gander at some of our posts!! Bottom line is don't let the blindness of others distract you from the truth. And the truth is good mothers don't set off the flight or fight response in their children. Protect yourself and your boundaries, sending hugs and best wishes to you  ;)

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stasia

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Re: Good Mothers Don't Cause C-PTSD
« Reply #14 on: May 10, 2018, 01:43:28 PM »
Does anyone else sometimes feel like if you were just a stronger person, you could've withstood all of this and remained mentally healthy?

I know this is M's voice in my head. She thinks that one should always ignore one's feelings (this includes actual physical illness) in order to help others and give them what they need. I told my T the other day that I feel weak because I developed severe anxiety and CPTSD as a result of my mom, and that maybe if I were less selfish and more focused on others rather than living in my own head, it wouldn't have happened and I could do what my M wants with a smile instead of getting panic attacks. Especially when I read this forum and see stories that are way worse than how my M is.

I realize this is faulty thinking but I'm really struggling with it lately. Maybe because of being NC on Mother's Day? Don't know.

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LightOrb

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Re: Good Mothers Don't Cause C-PTSD
« Reply #15 on: May 10, 2018, 01:54:14 PM »
Does anyone else sometimes feel like if you were just a stronger person, you could've withstood all of this and remained mentally healthy?

xH, himself a victim of a malignant NPD F and 100% still inside the FOG, angrily reproached me the influence my uBPD M has on me, when trying to hurt me more by blaming me for cheating on me. And that was after years or VVVVVVLC, and my very clear recognition of the abuse I knew at the time. I struggle now with that, even after all so many books explaining that the mother is the most influential person in our lives. I can't help to think that I should have been more resilient, stronger, whatever, and I could have been the woman xH wanted. I feel ashamed that her ghost is in my mind, and that I walk within her shadow all the time. I should have been able to free myself.

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JustKathy

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Re: Good Mothers Don't Cause C-PTSD
« Reply #16 on: May 10, 2018, 03:54:28 PM »
Quote
I am angry today, but not just for myself, but for all of us. We deserved so much more. Sending so much love to each and every one of you, please know how very much you deserve it.

Thank you so much for these words, LSK1999. I came here this morning feeling so down, unable to get either NMother or enFather out of my head. Your words made me feel so validated. Hugs to you and to everyone here. I'm so grateful to have found this place.
 :bighug:

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JustKathy

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Re: Good Mothers Don't Cause C-PTSD
« Reply #17 on: May 10, 2018, 04:29:28 PM »
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Does anyone else sometimes feel like if you were just a stronger person, you could've withstood all of this and remained mentally healthy?

Yes and no. I've always felt that being strong was the reason I became the SG in the first place. I was the firstborn, and the first to go through puberty. I was rebellious, and when NM started to scapegoat me, I pushed back. That caused her to turn up the heat and things went from bad to worse.

Having said that, I do feel that things would have been different for me as an adult if I had been stronger. I always did what she said, showed up for family gatherings when I didn't want to, when I should have said no. I think I was so compliant because I had convinced myself that my father loved me, so I was doing it for him. I now know that he was her enabler, but it took decades for me to see that.

Either way, I think I would have ended up with my anxiety and C-PTSD no matter what. As the first born and the first child to enter puberty, I was probably destined to become the SG. It wasn't just my hormonal rebelliousness that caused it, it was the mere fact that I was growing up. If I hadn't been strong, she would have kept me in a childlike state, unaware of the outside world, bullied in school. That would have ended worse for me.

Unfortunately, I think we were screwed either way.  :sad2:

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LSK1999

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Re: Good Mothers Don't Cause C-PTSD
« Reply #18 on: May 10, 2018, 05:07:38 PM »
Stacia, Light Orb, and Just Kathy...it has nothing to do with your strength as a person. Have you all read Pete Walker's book on C-PTSD. If you haven't you must, it will totally open your eyes to what we have been through. This  voice in your head blaming you is the inner critic. First and foremost emotional strength is something we grow into when we are properly loved and nurtured. We were weak and vulnerable children subjected to abuse and emotional neglect. No person (not even superman...lol) would withstand childhood and emotional neglect unscathed. It is my opinion the fact that we were able to withstand horrendous abuse and neglect (emotional neglect is probably more so a cause of C-PTSD than physical or verbal abuse) that proves we are stronger than our parents are. The fact that we could live through such horrendous and abandoning conditions and still find the ability to love and care for others? That's not weakness, that's being human and normal. Our PD parents were effected by their abuse differently. In the case of NPD (this is my mother) they literally retreat into themselves and hide so deeply they refuse to ever look inside because they are so terrified of their pain, they can't face it. We face ours every day, and live through it and we do so without harming others. So whose stronger?

I could go on and on about this for hours but I want you to take one really essential thing from what I am saying, could you have been stronger? How? With what tools? That's like saying I should have been a great painter, without ever been shown how to hold a brush. I think you probably get my point. I am working on understanding where my lack of emotional strength comes from and truly loving my child within for what she has had to live through...she (and all of you) deserved so much more!! Big hugs, so much love to all of you.

P.S. Emotional strength is something we can still all learn, we have to do the difficult work of growing ourselves up emotionally  ;)






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JustKathy

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Re: Good Mothers Don't Cause C-PTSD
« Reply #19 on: May 10, 2018, 06:02:47 PM »
LSK1999, thank you again for your perfectly worded reply. I'm going to go order that book right now.  I just found it on Amazon, full title: Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. Thanks for the recommendation!