Good Mothers Don't Cause C-PTSD

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LightOrb

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Re: Good Mothers Don't Cause C-PTSD
« Reply #20 on: May 10, 2018, 06:26:59 PM »
Have you all read Pete Walker's book on C-PTSD.

I did. I got the real dimension of the damage from it, but the book gave me also despair. It compares complex PTSD to diabetes. I have already a chronic illness that stole my life, and diabetes is in my future because every single elder relative suffers it. I know exactly what they mean: I will never be sane, I will always have pain, and at best I will be able to manage most symptoms, not all of them. I will only be able to survive, never be free. I will always struggle. This is my definition of hell, and I don't really understand why I am supposed to keep fighting, in the tiny chance that one day I will have 2 seconds of peace. I really don't.

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SE7

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Re: Good Mothers Don't Cause C-PTSD
« Reply #21 on: May 10, 2018, 07:18:05 PM »
Have you all read Pete Walker's book on C-PTSD.

I did. I got the real dimension of the damage from it, but the book gave me also despair. It compares complex PTSD to diabetes. I have already a chronic illness that stole my life, and diabetes is in my future because every single elder relative suffers it. I know exactly what they mean: I will never be sane, I will always have pain, and at best I will be able to manage most symptoms, not all of them. I will only be able to survive, never be free. I will always struggle. This is my definition of hell, and I don't really understand why I am supposed to keep fighting, in the tiny chance that one day I will have 2 seconds of peace. I really don't.

What you wrote here describes a lot how I feel today. I also have a high-risk chronic medical condition, and the fear/angst of that for the past 7.5 years since diagnosis was already more than I could bear. Because of the autoimmunity, I just get more & more diagnoses, that's why it feels like I'll never be free. Then to learn that I was actually psychologically abused all along & didn't know it, it's really rough. I'm grateful though to know there's a name for it, an explanation, so I can point to only ONE umbrella of injury called C-PTSD rather than all the individual ones like anxiety, depression, codependency. I find the C-ptsd focus gives me relief, it's something that can be named for all the other crap. I'd so much rather be able to point to one name for injury caused me by others than to bear the weight of the lifetime of confusing other disorders that never quite fit the whole picture. Aside from all that, I look to the Bible as my only hope for getting through the entire mess.

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SE7

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Re: Good Mothers Don't Cause C-PTSD
« Reply #22 on: May 10, 2018, 07:27:44 PM »

It is sad that ACONS fear their parents, I was in that situation with NF for a long time.


Yup, I am an ACON who became aware after a few months when I lived with them as an adult that I was terrified of my own parents!
Especially my NF. They took turns playing the good cop/bad cop game with me, so when my BM was behaving and on my side, I would have to fawn with her so I'd have SOMEONE to be on my side while facing the psychological fear of my father. It horrified me that I could be this far along in adulthood and feel so scared of him!

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LightOrb

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Re: Good Mothers Don't Cause C-PTSD
« Reply #23 on: May 10, 2018, 07:54:10 PM »
I find the C-ptsd focus gives me relief, it's something that can be named for all the other crap. I'd so much rather be able to point to one name for injury caused me by others than to bear the weight of the lifetime of confusing other disorders that never quite fit the whole picture. Aside from all that, I look to the Bible as my only hope for getting through the entire mess.

But I will never get through. There is no 'other side', no after the mess. There is never going to be. My illness is not defined as autoimmune -yet- and I have symptoms since I am 11 or 12, so I don't think it's caused by cPTSD. The worse came later when I became my own person. My illness stole my life, and made me infertile. I could never be the sex beast all women are supposed to be because of my illness. I was abandoned because of it. And now I have another illness exactly like it that's incurable? I was damaged goods before I was abandoned, and I was very aware and extremely grateful somebody could love me like this. And then I understood I have another chronic illness. How should this give me relief, if I cannot even leave this life?

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all4peace

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Re: Good Mothers Don't Cause C-PTSD
« Reply #24 on: May 10, 2018, 08:10:36 PM »
LightOrb, I hear your despair. I found this quote once that really made a difference for me.  I'll share it here:

"Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult - once we truly understand and accept it - then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters." --M. Scott Peck Psychiatrist & author

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LSK1999

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Re: Good Mothers Don't Cause C-PTSD
« Reply #25 on: May 10, 2018, 08:13:01 PM »
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I am angry today, but not just for myself, but for all of us. We deserved so much more. Sending so much love to each and every one of you, please know how very much you deserve it.

Thank you so much for these words, LSK1999. I came here this morning feeling so down, unable to get either NMother or enFather out of my head. Your words made me feel so validated. Hugs to you and to everyone here. I'm so grateful to have found this place.
 :bighug:

Awww...of course I am so glad you felt validated...Big Hugs to you too...hey where do you find the big hug emoji...it's so cute...lol

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LSK1999

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Re: Good Mothers Don't Cause C-PTSD
« Reply #26 on: May 10, 2018, 08:18:21 PM »
LSK1999, thank you again for your perfectly worded reply. I'm going to go order that book right now.  I just found it on Amazon, full title: Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. Thanks for the recommendation!

That book has been a godsend to me and it was recommended by a member here. I have tried to remember who and I can't. So if this person remembers who they are THANK YOU!!  :) Best wishes to you, finding that book for me explained my entire life, I hope it does the same for you. Bless you xx

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LightOrb

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Re: Good Mothers Don't Cause C-PTSD
« Reply #27 on: May 10, 2018, 08:45:56 PM »
LightOrb, I hear your despair. I found this quote once that really made a difference for me.  I'll share it here:

"Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult - once we truly understand and accept it - then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters." --M. Scott Peck Psychiatrist & author

Thank you so much, all4peace. But it does not help. I've always known life is difficult. I've fought many days just to put one foot in front of the other. And yet we are told that if we make an effort, somebody, somewhere, sometime, will be with us. And I am not talking about a partner. We are told that once we heal, we will find a FOC, friends who will love you. That not everybody is a PD. We are told that we have control over ourselves, that our lives are something we can tweak to what we want. It's been more than 20 years since I started this path. I've tried.

And you know what? It doesn't matter. Nothing I do matters because nothing I do changes who I am. Because us damaged goods are always damaged, and whatever is broken inside us will never be repaired. Because at best, l can only manage to contain the infection. I am a somebody who can't speak in a world of singers. If I submit myself to long, expensive and painful procedures, I am told I could sing like the others. The truth is that at most I could only caw.

The other day there was a post about avoiding PD. One red flag was to have unlimited free time and not close friends. It described me to a t. I need to be healthy to have friends, and I need to have friends to be healthy. The very same Pete Walker says that one safe and healthy relationship is needed to start to heal. I haven't even managed to do that.

But enough rant. It's not decent of me to spoil the mood. I am truly sorry.

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LSK1999

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Re: Good Mothers Don't Cause C-PTSD
« Reply #28 on: May 10, 2018, 09:51:54 PM »
Light Orb, I am heartbroken for you after reading your post. I truly and utterly understand your despair. I have spent much of my life living in it. I just am reading Walker's book for the second time and I realized that while it explains everything that we have been through, it is still a very difficult pill to swallow that we will have this forever. He also acknowledges that for some of us our abuse is so extensive that trusting any person is out of the realm of possibility until healing begins. I have but one person in this entire world that I trust, and it has helped me to see that love does exist. Love does exist, and I want you to know that I have a deep and profound sense of love for you in just knowing the emptiness and darkness you are suffering in. We are not alone, we are brothers and sisters in our pain and suffering. You are a person with worth and value, you have a story and your story matters. If it doesn't matter to another single person that you have come into contact with (it's because you have been in contact with all the wrong people) it matters to me. I know that it matters to more than just me, it matters to all of us here.
« Last Edit: May 11, 2018, 08:39:42 PM by Bloomie »

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LightOrb

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Re: Good Mothers Don't Cause C-PTSD
« Reply #29 on: May 10, 2018, 10:52:44 PM »
Thank you. I don't intent to hijack this thread more, just let me clarify something very quickly. I do not doubt love exists. So many people cannot be mistaken. I just believe I will never be able to get it.
« Last Edit: May 11, 2018, 08:44:08 PM by Bloomie »

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LSK1999

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Re: Good Mothers Don't Cause C-PTSD
« Reply #30 on: May 10, 2018, 11:15:59 PM »
Thank you. I don't intent to hijack this thread more, just let me clarify something very quickly. I do not doubt love exists. So many people cannot be mistaken. I just believe I will never be able to get it.

Yeah, I totally get it and I fully believed that too...I think the world can surprise us (To think I would ever say this is kind of hilarious to me right now) who am I becoming...lol...message anytime  :)
« Last Edit: May 11, 2018, 08:44:21 PM by Bloomie »

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SE7

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Re: Good Mothers Don't Cause C-PTSD
« Reply #31 on: May 10, 2018, 11:35:05 PM »
Hi LightOrb, 'never' is a strong word - and in this world there really are no absolutes. When I get to feeling like you do right now, I try to put my focus on my faith. I don't ever try to push my spiritual beliefs on others, but I only find peace in life or death matters by reading scripture and praying, especially 'cast your cares upon Him for He cares for you' .. I also do spiritual warfare prayers because I know that people get attacked spiritually especially in these times. This is what helps me. I know I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. I don't attempt to seek perfection or hope or anything good in this life in this world because it is a fallen world, I put my hope in Him and made the choice to receive salvation for my soul, even if my earthly life sucks til the end.

If I attempt to do life in my own strength, it does not work. Some do that, others choose not to. It is a personal choice of free will. I've tried other paths like self-help ones filled with doing things in my own strength & seeking a great life, etc. but I was deceived for decades living like that. That was my experience. My current faith is the only one that works for me when I'm feeling like there is no way through or out. I pray that you receive some type of peace about this. You're not alone, I feel the same sense of hopelessness but I try to fight the good fight of faith according to what my faith says. (It is not always easy as evidenced by some of my forum posts, lol.) Which means not looking to the things of this world like material well-being, physical health etc. for my peace. I know I won't find fulfillment there because 'the flesh is weak'.

There were times in my past where I also thought things would 'never' happen, but I was wrong. I also found someone right for me despite my many issues when I gave up looking and made the choice to seek God first, and it was given to me like a miracle because I surrendered the effort and released any expectations because they had always failed me. There are a lot of damaged people in this world and there can still be someone who can & does love them - but it doesn't mean everyone will find a relationship or friend when they want or need one. You are lovable despite what any physical conditions may present.  If you say absolutes like 'never' then you are making yourself the god of your own life which can be a painful thing for anyone to do, because all human beings are flawed. I found the trick is to be content with whatever the outcome is - with someone or without someone.

I like what I've seen in Pete Walker's book so far - but I prefer to not let a psychology book be the ONLY source for all of my recovery efforts - that's where I also rely on my faith. I expect others to disagree with me, because people like to give flak to those who have faith in God (I already had someone yell at me online for defending my faith which is the only thing that truly is there for me when I am despondent) but I know it is worth it to share my experience with you - everyone has a choice and again, I don't push anything on anyone. I will keep you in my prayers tonight.

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LightOrb

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Re: Good Mothers Don't Cause C-PTSD
« Reply #32 on: May 11, 2018, 12:01:51 AM »
Thank you so much, SE7. I really appreciate your comforting words. However, I am not a believer and I don't think I will change: He allowed my life to be what it is, and the abuse of some of my dearest friends while I was still in high school, one of them who killed herself. I cannot and will not look for comfort in somebody who saw a 15 years me pray to be allowed to die, and did nothing. I am sorry to be so blunt.
« Last Edit: May 11, 2018, 12:05:32 AM by LightOrb »

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LSK1999

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Re: Good Mothers Don't Cause C-PTSD
« Reply #33 on: May 11, 2018, 12:09:01 AM »
Thanks SE7 for saying everything that I am afraid to ever say on here...lol. If it weren't for the love of the lord and my faith I am not sure where I would be. My faith was shaken recently when I had even yet more tough life experiences. I felt utterly abandoned by God, and felt that way for much of my life. Thanks to Walker's book I know it wasn't God that had been abandoning me repeatedly and causing so much pain, it was my mother. I agree in everything you say here, it was never promised to us that life would be easy. Unfortunately for many of us it's been much harder than the average person. I usually refrain from saying anything about my religion on here because I know that many children of PD's were abused using religion. Which in my mind is the most heinous of any act committed against us. To abuse children using the bible sickens me in ways I cannot even begin to express.

I grew up terrified of God because I was taught he was always judging me and angry with me when I failed to conform to his standards. This was by far one of the most damaging beliefs ever ingrained in me and I still struggle with my faith because of it. I also know that it was when I surrendered my life to God and asked him to show me the truth about my anxiety and pain, it is only then the Fog began to lift. They say the truth will set you free, but no one warns you that it will first devastate, infuriate, and paralyze you in it's pain. I am with you and everything you say here.....we have to believe and give control to God to find our peace...it's just so hard for those of us who have been taught we can trust in nothing. The good news is he's patient and kind and he's always waiting for us when we are ready  ;D Thanks again for this post.

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LSK1999

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Re: Good Mothers Don't Cause C-PTSD
« Reply #34 on: May 11, 2018, 01:28:27 AM »
Thank you so much, SE7. I really appreciate your comforting words. However, I am not a believer and I don't think I will change: He allowed my life to be what it is, and the abuse of some of my dearest friends while I was still in high school, one of them who killed herself. I cannot and will not look for comfort in somebody who saw a 15 years me pray to be allowed to die, and did nothing. I am sorry to be so blunt.

Oh I have been where you are now...I have. I believe that while God is our creator he is not a regulator. Unfortunately, he gave us free will. And many people use this free will to do whatever they please, including damage and abuse other people. I think that as abused children we all felt abandoned by God. How could God let this happen? Horrible tragedies happen every day. We live in a world where children are starving and dying everyday, and sometimes being abused by the people that are supposed to love them. How do we reconcile God with this, for me it's because the bible pretty much tells us life will involve pain and suffering. I think so many of us view death as the worst tragedy ever, but if it is the way the lord says it is, then it is the end of all suffering and pain that this life gives us. It also tells us that without faith in him it will be impossible to overcome the fear and evil that lives in this world. I don't want to push my religious beliefs on anyone either but I have to say this. I suffered for years and years without ever being able to understand what was going on with me, when I finally cried out to God and begged him to show me the truth he was there and he showed it to me. It was awful, and it certainly didn't end my suffering but knowing and understanding it wasn't me was the beginning of finally facing the pain I had been running from for years.

I will just say this one last thing. I know many of us struggle deeply with black and white thinking. Try to see our way out of the blacking God out in this way....while most of us debate the existence of God because of our circumstances consider this. Jesus Christ is not a fabricated figure like Santa Claus. He was a real man, legitimate historical documents prove this. The fact that he died on the cross is not a matter up for debate either it's a fact. If you don't believe me research. It's also not really debatable that Jesus spread messages of love and comfort to masses of suffering people. Jesus, was a pretty great guy  :) He loved all people, especially those who were vulnerable, weak, and oppressed. For they were the ones he held closest. The only matter really up for debate then is was Jesus who he claimed to be? If you are questioning God's existence I understand and fully empathize, so try at least believing in Jesus and his love for you. Also a movie that is a true story and had a tremendous impact on me is called "The Case for Christ", it helped me tremendously when struggling to find faith. I will stop now....lol...

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JustKathy

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Re: Good Mothers Don't Cause C-PTSD
« Reply #35 on: May 11, 2018, 01:01:40 PM »
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hey where do you find the big hug emoji...it's so cute...lol

I hope it's okay to answer this here. Under the emojis, left hand side, there's a link that says "more." Click on that.  :)
« Last Edit: May 11, 2018, 01:12:45 PM by JustKathy »

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JustKathy

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Re: Good Mothers Don't Cause C-PTSD
« Reply #36 on: May 11, 2018, 01:12:09 PM »
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Thank you so much, SE7. I really appreciate your comforting words. However, I am not a believer and I don't think I will change: He allowed my life to be what it is ...

I don't want to stir up controversy here, but to Light Orb, I just want to say ... yes, me too, for mostly the same reasons. I understand completely.

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xredshoesx

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Re: Good Mothers Don't Cause C-PTSD
« Reply #37 on: May 11, 2018, 06:22:52 PM »
mother's day is a difficult holiday for me too, especially since i was not able to have the kind of close relationship i really wanted with my uPD MIL, and i love my stepmom, but she's so far away our relationship is more email/phone because of travel costs.  i also didn't meet her until i was an adult so there's that too.

the one thing i've been doing that seems to help most is i've learned to mother myself and treat myself kindly, something i never got from my biological mother, was too old to get from my stepmom when we met, and my MIL is just not interested in being there for any of her own kids much less their spouses.   the other thing is that i have a few close female friends who are mother figures to me- not in the way they take care of me, but i model taking care of myself how they take care of their own children.

there's a lot of good side topics for WOU if anyone wants to branch out- being an adult female in the world is very difficult when you do not have a good female role model or mother figure.


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Lillith65

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Re: Good Mothers Don't Cause C-PTSD
« Reply #38 on: May 11, 2018, 07:44:23 PM »
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please know that most people do not view their parent's as a source of fear and terror but a source of unconditional love

I find this thought mindblowing and very helpful.

Our mothers ARE NOT NORMAL SO NORMAL SOCIAL EXPECTATIONS DO NOT APPLY. So true.
« Last Edit: May 11, 2018, 07:51:33 PM by Lillith65 »
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm - anonymous.

Part of my story: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=54885.msg488293#msg488293
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=54892.msg488385#msg488385

NC uPDM; NC uBPDSis

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Lillith65

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Re: Good Mothers Don't Cause C-PTSD
« Reply #39 on: May 11, 2018, 07:48:26 PM »
I am so glad that someone mentioned this thread to me.
« Last Edit: May 11, 2018, 07:52:22 PM by Lillith65 »
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm - anonymous.

Part of my story: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=54885.msg488293#msg488293
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=54892.msg488385#msg488385

NC uPDM; NC uBPDSis