"just NO idea!"

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Memyself

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"just NO idea!"
« on: May 12, 2018, 11:26:45 PM »
Frustrated today to hear my parents tried to contact one of my children and guilt them with "We just don't know WHY we've lost family! This feels 200 times worse than death!"

It is not enough that I have given up everyone, told them I've given them everyone except my dh and our kids, I have *told* them why I was walking away, and that even my saying the relationship was too costly for my mental health, even struggling daily not to slit my wrists, its still just all about them...and how unfair it is that they can't have everyone *and* my kids too.

On the other hand, Mother's Day sucks and I'd been struggling a bit with FOG...this news helped to cauterize my guilt and pissed me off enough to say "I did the right thing! NOTHING will ever change!"  I immediately felt...off the hook, I guess.

I told my dh, "I've done them a great service! I've let them keep me as the scapegoat and reason for all their problems *and* I've managed to remove myself from having to feel the consequences of their nasty games. :roll:"

Pathetic, and as I was listening to my child tell me the story...I got a cold chill down my spine...textbook lies, textbook smear-campaign attempts, textbook guilt and triangulation, textbook invalidation...all of it.

They will not be happy until the take everyone from me and or I am dead.

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biggerfish

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Re: "just NO idea!"
« Reply #1 on: May 13, 2018, 01:04:46 AM »
This is validating for me, as I, too, tried to explain NC to my uPDm, in terms of my mental health. It's kind of silly of us, isn't it...to think that a person with a pd will respect someone else's need for mental health!

Yes...you are most certainly off the hook. Do something nice for yourself tomorrow.

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Memyself

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Re: "just NO idea!"
« Reply #2 on: May 14, 2018, 01:01:58 PM »
This is validating for me, as I, too, tried to explain NC to my uPDm, in terms of my mental health. It's kind of silly of us, isn't it...to think that a person with a pd will respect someone else's need for mental health!

Yes...you are most certainly off the hook. Do something nice for yourself tomorrow.

Thank you biggerfish! I am glad to know my venting this helped you in some way. Its so nice to know we can come and find a place of understanding here. 
My day yesterday was just the most lovely!  My husband and kids love/respect me very much...and I them.  Our relationships are what I worked for and also something I will *never* take for granted! A priceless gift, for this scapegoat survivors heart!

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SunnyMeadow

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Re: "just NO idea!"
« Reply #3 on: May 14, 2018, 01:38:24 PM »
Frustrated today to hear my parents tried to contact one of my children and guilt them with "We just don't know WHY we've lost family! This feels 200 times worse than death!"

It is not enough that I have given up everyone, told them I've given them everyone except my dh and our kids, I have *told* them why I was walking away, and that even my saying the relationship was too costly for my mental health, even struggling daily not to slit my wrists, its still just all about them...and how unfair it is that they can't have everyone *and* my kids too.

I'm sorry you had that happen. How sickening that even after you told your parents that you're looking after your mental health, they turned that into being about them. It's eerie how similar they are.

I have a deep anger reaction when my uPDmom says anything negative or guilt inducing to my children. It wasn't bad enough that my uPDmom has NO IDEA what she did to the dozens and dozens of people who no longer have anything to do with her, but to say the slightest thing about or to my kids who will talk to her puts me over the edge!

Just like your parents, everything is all about my mom. Every conversation is about her, her health, her doctor visits, her politics and more. She has no clue why everyone has backed away from her.  :stars:

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Starboard Song

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Re: "just NO idea!"
« Reply #4 on: May 14, 2018, 04:54:14 PM »
"We have no idea!"

It is a common refrain. Check out this well-written and entertaining review of what the author calls the "Missing Missing Reasons."

http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html

He quotes people on estranged parents' forums as saying they don't know the reasons as they list the provided reasons. Alternatively, they say "the reason is [some silly, simplistic straw man that cannot possibly be the reason]."

This isn't only about unrespected reasons: in my experience, that which is not respected is disappeared. So if you say "you may contact me via my wife's mobile," and if they don't want to use your wife's mobile, then they tell people "we have no way of contacting them!" If you say they need to call first before visiting, and they are offended by that, they tell people "they won't let us visit!"

I know this: people who reliably behave this way are bad and not good for my family. At some point, I must stop repeating my standards and my explanations. When we stopped doing so, we had to go NC. And now we just trust that friends and family who love us will be able to tell truth from fiction: kindness from spite.

Good luck to you and yours!
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

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Memyself

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Re: "just NO idea!"
« Reply #5 on: May 15, 2018, 12:42:43 PM »
"We have no idea!"

It is a common refrain. Check out this well-written and entertaining review of what the author calls the "Missing Missing Reasons."

http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html

He quotes people on estranged parents' forums as saying they don't know the reasons as they list the provided reasons. Alternatively, they say "the reason is [some silly, simplistic straw man that cannot possibly be the reason]."

This isn't only about unrespected reasons: in my experience, that which is not respected is disappeared. So if you say "you may contact me via my wife's mobile," and if they don't want to use your wife's mobile, then they tell people "we have no way of contacting them!" If you say they need to call first before visiting, and they are offended by that, they tell people "they won't let us visit!"

I know this: people who reliably behave this way are bad and not good for my family. At some point, I must stop repeating my standards and my explanations. When we stopped doing so, we had to go NC. And now we just trust that friends and family who love us will be able to tell truth from fiction: kindness from spite.

Good luck to you and yours!

Thanks! I am anxious to read this!  It made me think...how can they *not* know?

For one; my whole life, my mother told me I had mental problems, and that I was supremely selfish...and the awesome sarcastic side of me wants to break NC to tell them the following:

You said you'd no idea why you've lost my kids, and I assume you don't care that you've lost me...but the reason for both is that you were always right about me all along, I've mental problems from being around you and as a result, I've become rabidly self-centered, making me leave every one to you; my grandmother, my aunts, my uncles, my multitudes of cousins, my siblings (that wasn't hard as the relationships were already broken and tainted), their spouses, my nieces and nephews, my childhood family friends that are tied to you, the acquaintances in your area...asking only that you leave me my dh and our kids.  See, the problem is you were right, and I finally believe what you've always said about me, who is mentally deranged and selfish to my core...and this is the consequence of that.  Blessings!  :wave: