Needing Permission to Protect Ourselves

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LSK1999

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Re: Needing Permission to Protect Ourselves
« Reply #20 on: May 25, 2018, 12:10:49 AM »
Great thread and some wonderful insights here.

It took a friend to point out that my relationship with my mother was not normal. Unfortunately that friend was likely BPD so managed to make me feel like there was something weak about me when she said it.

Many years and 2 children later, my T said a similar thing, but much more kindly.  Sadly i had already not protected my then young children from some of her bullying :(

I totally understand your pain with your children Sun. My 2 daughters were raised around my NM and both have been damaged by it. I was way in the FOG for most of my life. I have faith that my kids will heal, we are working together now on realizing how much she has effected us all and how each of us has been harmed. I know that both of my daughters are capable of empathy and compassion and in my mind that is a fantastic sign. My youngest though has some disturbing features that concern me her father is also a N. I have her in T and am hoping between T and I we can get through to the hurt parts of her to make life easier. She suffers from a lot of anxiety and issues with control. This just breaks my heart more than anything. Why or WHY could I not see?? Good luck to all of you...this was a great thread with a lot of really great advice and I am so impressed by all of you knowing how far you have come through such an awful journey no one should ever have to live through. Hugs Everyone  :bighug:

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Qilin~

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Re: Needing Permission to Protect Ourselves
« Reply #21 on: May 26, 2018, 04:28:20 AM »
A really interesting thread. So many good points, especially that it is kind of a bad sign if you are constantly agonizing about a relationship in your head. Imagine, some people probably donít think about it for days and weeks at a time...  :roll:

Iím not quite sure how to put it, but I wonder if some of it is because we are kept so off balance from an early age by our Pd parents by how they characterize us sometimes. I read something about a dating strategy that some use to put down women, because then the person feels like they are being judged wrongly and may act more open or helpful. This is called typecasting by Gavin de Becker in The Gift of Fear. The chosen victim may then engage to try and prove the insult untrue. This can work even in chance encounters, never mind if someone systematically does it to you your whole life.

Reflecting on many experiences, my parents were often acting like I was a horrible, lazy, selfish person when I dared to ask for the slightest little thing. Or even if I didnít ask. So I already had this huge deficit of personhood to overcome and was always trying to be perfect basically. Like you have to perfect to even have permission to exist a little. Never mind be an actual person with needs, preferences, plans, and dreams.

It seems like there is a lot of DARVO too (Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender). all4peace, I remember you sharing that your parent would yell that you were hitting her if you dared to block her blows. My parent would be very abusive, but then say I was abusing them, and also that I was passive aggressive if I didnít dare say anything. And saying or doing anything definitely would have been far more dangerous, so it was lose-lose.

Not sure I am making sense, but I guess it is so difficult to defend ourselves because the ability to even have a self is so distorted and sabotaged. Or just having any autonomy as a separate being / normal child is so threatening and characterized as an attack by those who are actually abusing you.

It is no wonder there can be so much dissociation when you are in a situation where there just isnít any ďrightĒ or allowed way to even exist.

Even now I feel bad, like I am going to hurt them by saying this anonymously. Even though I am just trying to be honest and have given them the benefit of the doubt for years...