When DS expresses fear of uPDW/mom

  • 10 Replies
  • 1977 Views
*

zenagain

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 340
When DS expresses fear of uPDW/mom
« on: May 19, 2018, 01:07:28 AM »
Hey All,

My DS13 just told me, after one hell of a night with my ucovertNPDw/his mum causing choas over family night, that he was A. Worried she poisoned his food (still ate some of it but not certian items) and B. Was afriad to sleep in his room on the same floor as her because he “didn't trust  her”. 

It was an emotional night - i tried to relieve him of her PD stuff as much i could but at one point she asked me to leave the house for a while and he wanted to go with me - telling her he did not want to be alone with her. 

Any advice on if this might just be his reaction to the night or something other.

Thoughts on if/how i should follow up with him again arond this later ?

*

notrightinthehead

  • Host Member
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 3204
Re: When DS expresses fear of uPDW/mom
« Reply #1 on: May 19, 2018, 05:06:58 AM »
I remember many nights in my childhood when I was afraid of going to sleep because I thought my mother would come in the night to kill me. Some nights I crawled into bed with my brother hoping she would kill him first and I would still be able to scream....Children should not have to grow up like that.
Your son is lucky that he has you and that you are willing to protect him. Are you documenting all this? Are you getting legal advice? Are you getting some kind of officials involved so that when it comes to custody you have a paper trail?
Our march to freedom is irreversible. We must not allow fear to stand in our way.  Nelson Mandela

*

saveyourscissors

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 225
Re: When DS expresses fear of uPDW/mom
« Reply #2 on: May 19, 2018, 02:55:22 PM »
I agree with notrightinthehead. A paper trail would be good. Is your son in counseling? Counselors are mandatory reporters, and that can get the ball rolling if there is abuse taking place. If he doesn't want to be alone with her, that is very telling. Protect that young man. Best of luck to you.

*

zenagain

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 340
Re: When DS expresses fear of uPDW/mom
« Reply #3 on: May 23, 2018, 12:03:32 PM »
I remember many nights in my childhood when I was afraid of going to sleep because I thought my mother would come in the night to kill me. Some nights I crawled into bed with my brother hoping she would kill him first and I would still be able to scream....Children should not have to grow up like that.
Your son is lucky that he has you and that you are willing to protect him. Are you documenting all this? Are you getting legal advice? Are you getting some kind of officials involved so that when it comes to custody you have a paper trail?

NotRight...

Was this experience you shared occasional, like only during those extreme moments ( monthly?) when your mum was in PD rages or was it a lingering or constantly fear (daily/weekly)?    UcovertNPDw and DS are now getting along (not great, but kinda like old times and there is no more fear... being expressed, anyway).   Should I be further concerned that he is burying it deep down or is this a sign of him knowing when she is having a PD event and when she is not?    I did not grow up in such an environment, so I appreciate this insight.   He has no siblings either, so I worry even more as I am all he has to protect him from her.

I agree with notrightinthehead. A paper trail would be good. Is your son in counseling? Counselors are mandatory reporters, and that can get the ball rolling if there is abuse taking place. If he doesn't want to be alone with her, that is very telling. Protect that young man. Best of luck to you.

Scissors,
My DS is in counseling... but ironically enough, his T is on extended leave at the moment.  I am not sure if the T is aware or if DS shared with T how overbearing/controlling/PD his mum is with him (T keeps most of the sessions private to build trust with him, has never really shared stuff related to his thoughts about mum and dad in our parent meetings (uPDw would be horrified at even a hint of her being discussed with the T, so I am kinda glad!)).   There has never been a red flag mentioned or anything out of the ordinary by the T.  I am not aware if the sub-in- T has been prep'd or not but DS has not ever met the Sub T, so we are in a bit of a void with the timing.

There is no documentation other than the 20 or more 1000+ word txts I got telling me how horrible I am for not defending her, etc.   It is also a very delicate balance right now with her being out of balance so much.  I had to leave the house that Sunday evening for something.  I told her I was afraid to leave them alone with each other - that I didn't want to come home to cop cars and ambulances in the front yard (a bit dramatic, but honest and said calmly).  I got a strange PD stare and a flippant, "I know how to handle my son - that's not the problem - you are!"...   When I got home, I saw her run upstairs and turn out the lights so as to not have to see me (engaging ST).  I sent her a txt asking how the evening went (as I was horribly concerned and he was in bed at the time).   She of course said, "Great!"... and then proceed to chastise me for not wanted to 'talk' with her about it.... ('talking' being one of her control mediums)

Ugh...  :stars:

*

saveyourscissors

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 225
Re: When DS expresses fear of uPDW/mom
« Reply #4 on: May 24, 2018, 01:14:48 AM »
Hey zenagain,

The whole "cop cars and ambulance" statement is not melodramatic or an exaggeration at all. Been there, done that (with the cop cars, anyway).

Your son needs a safe place to talk. I had to put down a rule that my son's T was more than happy to oblige and convey to my wife - that my son could talk about anything and not have to share it with mom. It helps a little bit to make it equal, and say "not have to share with mom or dad".

Your son definitely needs a third party advocate, in my opinion. The backup T might have some documentation to bring them up to speed on the situation? It really only takes a session or two to get the ball rolling and have him open up, so long as he is feeling safe.

Your situation reminds me way too much of mine, man. I am hurting for both you and your son. Stay strong, and stay the course for your son. The sooner you can get him to safety, the better. That goes for you, too. You deserve better as well.

*

saveyourscissors

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 225
Re: When DS expresses fear of uPDW/mom
« Reply #5 on: May 24, 2018, 01:15:22 AM »
Double posted - still getting used to navigating this forum on my Kindle.  :)

*

zenagain

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 340
Re: When DS expresses fear of uPDW/mom
« Reply #6 on: May 24, 2018, 11:23:21 AM »
I tried my best to talk to him last night..  DS only confides in me though his frustration, meaning he will make complaints about his mum that are telling of the treatment he gets from her over txt, daily, without me (she calls them reminders, but he summarizes that all she is doing when she txts is telling him how she is right (as in justified) in what she is saying to him and telling him he needs to do  :aaauuugh:).   Wow... now that I write that it sounds as abusive as it is....

Last night he basically said he doesn't want to talk about anything with her, ".... because she won't change.   That is why she just needs to leave.".   This was said calmly and as a matter of fact and honestly, pretty true, although I cannot tell him that.   I stumbled to reply, but offered that I am here for him, we are in it together, and I am trying to help her not be so overbearing but that might also make her overreact.   I am hoping some of that that was okay to say.   I also know there is a tad bit of teen hormones involved in his emotional outbursts with her, but it is just heartbreaking to know he feels helpless when she comes home.... because I also used to feel that way until coming here.

Thanks for all of the insight...

*

saveyourscissors

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 225
Re: When DS expresses fear of uPDW/mom
« Reply #7 on: May 24, 2018, 08:17:49 PM »
Sometimes it helps to write things out to see things for what they actually are. You are right, it is emotional and psychological abuse. Has she physically abused him?

I love how she reframes those texts as "reminders". The night I rescued my son from his mom, she kept bursting into his bedroom and talking to him. He kept asking her to leave him alone, and that he just wanted to sleep (this was around 11:00PM, on a school night). The next day she said she was trying to "embrace" him as a parental technique. Okay, then....

Hormones absolutely are involved with your son, as with mine. The thing is, this is a very formative time in their lives. It's hard enough just being a teenager. A lot of damage can be done at this stage. My son was starting to show some pretty big signs of anger. Is your son becoming more angry as he feels more helpless?

*

saveyourscissors

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 225
Re: When DS expresses fear of uPDW/mom
« Reply #8 on: May 29, 2018, 10:27:59 AM »
Checking in on you, zenagain, to see how things are going.

*

zenagain

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 340
Re: When DS expresses fear of uPDW/mom
« Reply #9 on: May 29, 2018, 05:47:38 PM »
Thanks Scissors!

Read you post recently about your son wanting to just be left alone, even just to sleep and it resonated with me/us.   This is his main saying and ucovertNPDw simply can't stand to be told what to do - especially when she has invested time in something like a rant/request of either him or I.   Total lack of empathy and rationality - give him the space - he's a kid - talk to him when you two are not yelling - just does not compute.    UPDw actually tells me I don't give him space when he asks!  Its totally avoidance and projection on her part.   I am sorry you also went though this as well and have followed your story.

Currently, DS is 'handling" ucovertNPDw okay.... by this, I mean they are being amicable, but we are all still walking on eggshells.  He, just waiting for the next unreasonable demand and, me, afraid to leave them alone in the house because I don't want to come home to a yelling match again.    I got a chance to tell DS something recently that I hope helped (posted this elsewhere, maybe).   Knowing that he is afraid there is no end in sight of all of this, I suggested that when school is out, there will not be schoolwork for her to hold over his head as demands/negotiation for things she wants from him and perhaps she may get better.   He expressed some encouragement in his response ('yeah... okay') and immediately downplayed that with a bit of what appeared to be realization that it might just shift to something else.   

She has also taken a short step back from her PD rant/raging at the moment and while still holding an iron fist (DS actually called her a Dictator yesterday!) in her demands of him, seems to pause a bit more and things have not escalated to epic proportions.  DS also removes himself from the situation a lot (learned this from his T) and will come back after a few minutes.    It seems her flying monkey building is not working either with her justifications to me.  She said she has talked to a ton of parents (likely only  2 of her besties from college with older kids) and she was doing everything perfectly - it was me that has screwed him up.  But they are not taking the bate on everything she has relayed as her constant rationalization to me (at me) as to what she is doing right has stopped.  This was really applicable to us, no matter how she twisted it, and my responses seemed to shock her silent (things like, 'well, they are not really a family that yells at each other' and 'they have a different dynamic than we do').   

So, we are in a holding pattern, with me taking most of the toxicity. 
Thanks for checking.  It still feels like a powder keg all the time....ugh

*

saveyourscissors

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 225
Re: When DS expresses fear of uPDW/mom
« Reply #10 on: May 31, 2018, 10:07:41 PM »
It's amazing how many parallels there are in our experiences, Zen, along with a lot of the other stories I am seeing on this site. I'm glad you got what I was saying about my son needing space, and it sounds like yours is unfortunately experiencing the exact same thing. It's hard enough when an adult is cornered relentlessly, but I'm sure a kid that age doesn't even begin to know how to react or handle it. That's when my son starts resorting to self harm, to try to take the attention off of whatever is bothering my STBX at the moment.

It sounds like you have been having some good conversations with your son, and hopefully you've been able to assist him with some coping strategies. I'm sure it helps a bit just knowing he has someone on his side, advocating for him.

I know what you are saying about the powder keg. It's like a powder keg next to a giant slab of snow at the top of the mountain, and you never know how big of an avalanche is going to result in the keg blowing.

I hope things continue to improve for you and your son, sir. Rooting for you big time.