PD parents influencing choice of partner?

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11JB68

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PD parents influencing choice of partner?
« on: May 25, 2018, 09:39:28 PM »
Wondering if anyone else feels this way...I married my uOCPDh quite young. Met in college, I was17. I had been dating a guy who I thought I loved for about 2 years. uPDm hated him. It was very difficult as I was always trying to please her and avoid conflict. Met uOCPDh and he seemed like the type she would approve of. Married him. Later she decides she hates him of course. The two of them were even harder to deal with than her and ex boyfriend....BOTH PDs! Now that I'm coming ootf, I feel like....wow...I think I only went out with him to p lease her

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practical

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Re: PD parents influencing choice of partner?
« Reply #1 on: May 25, 2018, 11:37:27 PM »
Definitely, uNPDM was very vocal about whom she approved of and whom she didn't - "funny" thing is I kind of dated her :roll: - all my BFs had narcissism issues. BFs she was able to manipulate, who recognized her as my top priority, who gave her her due were approved by her, BFs whose narcissism was strong enough to compete with her where "a bad influence on me" etc and she utterly disliked. As for dating BFs similar to her, I confused that kind of enmeshment, emotional abuse ... with love  :sadno: .

When I got together with DH, I didn't tell her so she couldn't insert herself in this relationship. She didn't even know I was getting married, I told her quiet some time afterwards.
“If I’m not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when I’m only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when?” (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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KD5FUL

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Re: PD parents influencing choice of partner?
« Reply #2 on: May 26, 2018, 02:37:09 AM »
I kept my pd parents far away from my NPDexH. 

However they did influence my choice of a partner.

I picked a Truly sick man and married him.   I've learned through therapy that being raised and abused by pd pare st set me up perfectly to be abused by NPDexH.

My core childhood wounds are also what made it difficult for me to leave my marriage.  It took me years to get out.  When I look back, I can't believe I stayed as long as I did and put up with so much.

Thanks, mom and dad. 
לפום צערא אגרא

A victim of abuse who suffers in silence will suffer the most.

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notrightinthehead

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Re: PD parents influencing choice of partner?
« Reply #3 on: May 26, 2018, 08:19:32 AM »
There were many moments in my marriage when I thought I had married my mother.
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

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starfox

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Re: PD parents influencing choice of partner?
« Reply #4 on: May 26, 2018, 08:32:45 AM »
I keep picking partners like my dad and friends like my mum. I have grown up with a very warped idea of what love is!

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Amadahy

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Re: PD parents influencing choice of partner?
« Reply #5 on: May 26, 2018, 09:12:58 AM »
Somehow, I married a well adjusted, healthy boundaries fella with a wonderful sense of humor. Nmom hated him and he has been lovely to her .... Until she went too far. He went NC with her nearly two years ago. Now, she can't say enough good things about him!   :stars:

All the would be's my mom liked I deplored.  All became wife beaters or had other troubles.  My sis married one just to get away from home and her life has been hell. I did tell Nmom the truth about that once and for once, she was speechless.
Ring the bells that still can ring;
Forget your perfect offering.
There's a crack in everything ~~
That's how the Light gets in!

~~ Leonard Cohen

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daughter

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Re: PD parents influencing choice of partner?
« Reply #6 on: May 26, 2018, 11:07:08 AM »
My NBM has been inappropriately and intensely self-involved with her two daughters' choices of SOs, boyfriends and spouses.  Strong opinions expressed, both pro and con, always demanding, meddling, and constantly invasive, given her insistence upon being 3rd-wheel in these relationships.  NBM has often expressed (inaccurately) that golden-boy NBIL and my DH "loved her more than their own mothers", and "owed her their 1st loyalty" (in context of both their parents and their own wives), summarizing this odd dynamic in a nutshell.

DH, and my other SOs, upon meeting NBM, immediately understood NBM to be the difficult contentious demanding woman that she was.  They all liked enNF's Mr Nice Guy friend-disguise, until he'd go off-script and expose his ugly-side too.  They tolerated them, but became increasingly quiet as they realized depth of malice and malevolence  displayed here.  Worse, in typical fashion, NBM insisted that DH "loved her more than his own mother", that DH "owed her his 1st allegiance". 

NBM monopolized her daughters' time, so eventually our spouses' and own families' time too.  Together we suffered through all my mother's demands and expectations, her tantrums and rebukes, her blatant favoritism towards nsis (and the golden-boy NBIL too), compliant and tolerant of a lot of bad behavior and ill will.  I guess my NBM greatly influenced my preferential choice of patient tolerant men willing to put up with my engulfing and demanding parents.

None of this was emotionally-healthy, nor normal familial engagement, but it took me a long long time to free myself it, and required me to be NC to accomplish that freedom. 
« Last Edit: May 26, 2018, 11:26:37 AM by daughter »

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Marinette

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Re: PD parents influencing choice of partner?
« Reply #7 on: May 26, 2018, 01:59:48 PM »
Absolutely!  My first couple of boyfriends were the guys that my PD mother approved of. However, since she is PD everyone ends up on her s**list eventually, regardless of whether he is a decent guy,  a toxic narcissist or a saint.  she would hate them all eventually. When I got away from her and got married at 30, I did not introduce my fiancée to her or my N father, I just told them the wedding
Date.  At that point in time I knew she will harshly criticize anyone, including my fiancée, simply because he was human and I was dating him.
She did spew out some toxic criticisms later but I put a firm stop to it. 

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Some One

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Re: PD parents influencing choice of partner?
« Reply #8 on: May 26, 2018, 04:45:55 PM »
I'm not married, but my mother's reactions to whomever I was dating was either "Why would you want to date someone like him?!" or "Why would he want to date someone like you?!"  I often found myself struggling with feeling better than the person I was dating or feeling inferior to them and struggling with resolving those feelings.  To this day I have this issue.  It's hard for me to know if I really like someone or if I just do, because I feel I'm supposed to, because it looks good on the outside.

When GCBro got married he told me that the reason he chose his wife was because she was weak minded.  That was it!  No other reason.  I don't need to wonder where he picked that up from!  My mother has told me something similar about my stepfather.  His relationship is just like my mother's  He's a lot like my mother and his wife is a lot like my father and stepfather.  She was drastically different from every girlfriend he ever had and I knew that had to be the draw.  I've never seen my mother try to bond with any of his past girlfriends, but she does chat with his wife, because she recognizes an easily to manipulate target.  She would often use her to triangulate with me.  All of his past girlfriends could pick up on the dysfunction, but to no surprise, his wife doesn't notice it and buys into my mother's act.  The whole family was shocked that he married her and felt that he dated down, but since it was GCBro who can do no wrong my mother insisted we do not say anything to him.  I don't think my mother likes who he married, but there has  been something for her to gain from his choice in partner if she can manipulate said partner, that's for sure.
« Last Edit: May 26, 2018, 04:55:26 PM by One »
I will not pretend. 
I will not put on a smile. 
I will not say I'm all right for you,  
~Martha Wainwright.

NC almost 9.5 years with Nmom.  Enjoy the Silence.

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carrots

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Re: PD parents influencing choice of partner?
« Reply #9 on: May 26, 2018, 08:32:03 PM »
I've avoided all relationships like the plague. That's not healthy either, I realize. Has a lot to do with FOO. 

Recently when I saw an acquaintance's fiancé I realized all of a sudden that up till now the men I have been automatically dismissing in my mind are men of whom FOO would not approve. Like this fiancé. Long hair or something. It's so superficial! No contemplation that this man might have really good personality, characteristics, be a good match for this woman, loving, supporting and all sorts of good stuff not known in my FOO. No. Long hair (or something) = loser. It was a total lightbulb moment.

Yet I grew up learning to dismiss people who disliked people based on superficial characteristics, like appearance. It's so warped. But not really surprising. FOO members e.g. my mother treated me terribly because of my appearance in my childhood. Shaming and blaming.

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11JB68

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Re: PD parents influencing choice of partner?
« Reply #10 on: May 26, 2018, 10:28:33 PM »
Not right in the head, I don't know if you're male or female...but yes I often hear that men marry their mothers...yet I often feel like my husband is a lot like my mother...😨...
Carrots...my uOCPDh is extremely judgemental re: how people look,wear their hair,dress....tattoos, piercings etc. And in reality those things haveNO connection to what a person is like....😥

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Lillith65

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Re: PD parents influencing choice of partner?
« Reply #11 on: May 27, 2018, 05:32:56 AM »
My uPDM chose my first husband. She met him at work, and the fact that he was twice my age was overriden by the fact that he had some money and she liked him. She gave him a Valentine’s card and told him that it was from me!

My uPDM had previously attacked me with a knife when I refused to do something so I was bullied into dating him (I was 17 and he was only my second boyfriend!). My dysfunctional family meant that I developed a trauma bond with him. He was also abusive - physically and emotionally.

I married him and he continued to beat me. Once I started to get more educated and studied sociology, politics and feminism I started divorce proceedings. The final time he beat me he put in hospital and even then my uPDM invited him to stay and told him that he was always welcome with her. She never stopped asking me if I had heard from him and finally after decades of similar behaviour I am NC with her.

She also drove away my first boyfriend by contacting his employers and telling them that he was sleeping with an underage girl. I was actually 17 and we hadn’t slept together. He was 21 and she didn’t like him. I only found out what she had done many years later when we met up by chance. At the time he told me that he had to break up because he was moving - I didn’t know that he was so embarassed and upset by my mother’s behaviour that he left his job and moved several hundred miles away.

My most recent ex was remarkably similar to her: distant, cold, uncaring and with contempt and disrespect for me. I developed a trauma bond with him too.
« Last Edit: May 27, 2018, 05:47:13 AM by Lillith65 »
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm - anonymous.

Part of my story: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=54885.msg488293#msg488293
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=54892.msg488385#msg488385

NC uPDM; NC uBPDSis