Got to get this out

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Sojourner17

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Got to get this out
« on: June 08, 2018, 07:50:43 PM »
So the drama continued into this week with my mom.  On wednesday I texted her and my sister some pictures of my husband and children as well as a pic of myself so they could see how things have been going.  I just thought it would be a nice gesture.  Boy...what a mess that started.  At first the response i got back was somewhat positive...My sister said i looked great, asked how i was feeling and then sent me a funny video of my dad at his work.  My mom commented fairly positively as well.  I just texted in agreement.

Then yesterday it started,  The first text was voicing their concern that i look dark around the eyes and sad and my sister noticed too.  Then it was on to how i havent found a church yet and need that for accountability since i dont have friends like i did before.  I think i handled this text fairly well, pulled out the MC.  That i couldnt be happier here and made a joke about the dark circles that i have great friends and that my faith is strong.  I then said we were off to storytime and looking forward to getting there...have a good day :)

Then it was onto wanting me to tell her about my new friends and that i should reassure my sister.  I responded that i was making friends just fine and that my sister didnt mention being worried and again have a good day.  Then the barrage really started. 

thats not what my sister told her, they are concerned because im not the same, i used to be concerned about family and want to be with them and communicate but it seems im too busy. this isnt like me.  She's tired about worrying that she will say something wrong and this is going to stop shes going to say what she wants and shes going to ask what she wants. as long as im refusing to tell her the problem she wont know what to fix.  She mentioned that i told her she was disrespecting my marriage and myself but she doesnt know how and until she does nothing will change.  Then she mentioned hearing a counsellor on tv talk to a girl who was saying that her mom was disrespecting her and that the counsellor told her that her mom grew the girl inside of her and gave birth to her so the girl is to respect her and that everytime i dont answer or ignore her calls im disrespecting her and that she knows i have the time to talk to her.  She makes time for anyone, she has long conversations with her foster daughter, she cooks for my sister and her friends if they show up, she made time for 11 people just the other day.  my mom LOVES having people over and will drop everything if people show up at the door, shes even cancelled plans to go to visit my dad's brother who was sick because an old exchange student wanted to come and visit and didnt want to go with my parents to see my uncle two provinces away, funny how an aquaintance held more weight than a sick family member in this case   ::) OH wait,  yeah,,,it was my DAD's brother...thats why.

I just didnt answer but the texts continued later on in the day.  Three texts saying how would i feel if my eldest did the same thing to me  and on and on.  Then at bedtime she sent one final text saying she has had enough that she loves me but its obvious that i dont care if they are a part of  my life, shes going to mourn her loss as she cant do this anymore. dad says if my husband and i dont want to be a part of their lives we should say so.

I felt like i handled the morning texts pretty well,  I feel like i held my ground and spoke my truth but that as the day went on and she went from being concerned to angry, to accusatory to poor me, back to angry and accusatory and then what i think was to a discard (all in one day  :stars: ) Im not so sure.  Before i got the final text i was going to send one quick one saying that I have a wonderful husband who has been encouraging and supporting me to be in contact with them and that i was not going to discuss the past and want to keep things to every day type conversations (trying to confirm the boundary AGAIN) but the last text came in before i could do so.  Now i dont feel like i can send that text and i feel unsure and off balance again.  Right now im just not responding at all. 

A part of me wants to just wait it out and see how long it lasts.  Im thinking that to text or to call now would  tell her that its okay to walk all over my boundaries but part of me is wondering if ive made the boundary clear enough...like i need to be more specific as clearly she is not getting it...or is choosing not to get it. im not sure which...and probably it doesnt really matter which it is. 

I feel like ive just gone through an attack, mental, spiritual, emotional.  My husband has been away all week (my family does not know this), its like she somehow has a sixth sense that im a bit more vulnerable or something.  I explained it to my husband last night as that i feel like im stuck on a railroad track and mom is bearing down on me trying to run me over.  I told him that i remembered a part of a movie we have watched with our eldest called the Littlest Engine.  There is a part where the nightmare train is coming in full steam to run over the little engine but at the last minute they are able to flip the tracks and the nightmare train races right past them just narrowly escaping disaster.  That visualization is helping but i still went to sleep with an aweful headache and felt absolutely wiped out all day. 

To top it off, i did text my sister back thanking her for the compliment, that we love it here(i made no mention of what mom said...was that manipulative of me?  Should i have mentioned it?)...no response. 

I go into my third trimester next week.  I really dont need the stress and drama now anyways.  Maybe this is part of my visualization of the trains,  by not engaging and just letting things sit as they are/flipping the switch, i will narrowly escape disaster for myself and this little one that comes at the end of the summer.  this little one doesnt need all the stress and adrenaline going through their little body at this crucial stage of development and I really dont need it either.   



"Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it..." - Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery

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moglow

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Re: Got to get this out
« Reply #1 on: June 08, 2018, 09:15:31 PM »
No good deed goes unpunished, like with mine? She just won't let you be nicem, and can't be nice for long herself. She's  determined to drag you down and drag others (your sister) into it. Not your stuff, really. Every phone call and text doesn't require a response - you either want to respond or not, and act accordingly. She may *demand* it all she wants, but that doesn't make it so.

Honestly, you don't have to reassure anyone of anything - your church and faith, your friends, your supposed dark circles, your weight pre or mid pregnancy, or anything else. That's a bunch of negative assumptions she's pouring all over you that aren't anything to do with you, but ALL about her.

She wants what she wants, and like the rest of us she can just keep on wanting. That's not your battle, it's hers. You don't have to engage or participate unless/until you want to.

These wars are exhausting and like a slow poisoning. Makes me want to just slam the door and walk away for good, but I know I'd doubt myself even more.

Read The Four Agreements sometime, see if that helps give you strength. I'm rereading it (again!) myself and finding I have more room to breathe already. Just because she says its my stuff doesn't make it so, same goes for you.  :bigwink:
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.”  ~ Cap'n Spanky

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Sojourner17

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Re: Got to get this out
« Reply #2 on: June 08, 2018, 09:28:09 PM »
Thank you so much Moglow.  You are so right about her not letting me just be nice and try to build up the relationship.  She doesnt want to build up the relationship, she wants it back the way she wants it. 

I think the hang up with reassuring is if people WERE really concerned about me i would want them to come to me and ask if i was doing ok but thats not what is going on here.  It doesnt matter how much i tell her that I love it here, that we are blessed, doing well, etc she just wants me to be miserable here, its like she cant fathom that i could quite possibly actually be really happy.  She cant fathom that i could actually be having my most healthy pregnancy with baby no 3 and at the age that I am at.  She cant fathom that i could actually have a husband who is really a great guy who is supportive, who is on the same page as I am (for the most part ;) ).  My positives must be negatives and yes, it is all about her, even though she would deny it to no end.

I will definitely read the Four Agreements.  Hopefully I can get to it sometime this weekend.  Im going to hopefully steal away for a bit this weekend while my husband is home to just be alone and really work on processing things a bit more. 
"Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it..." - Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery

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moglow

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Re: Got to get this out
« Reply #3 on: June 08, 2018, 09:51:57 PM »
That spewing of negativity and doubt is so draining, isn't it? It amazes me that she/mine can't see that just makes it worse and keeps that distance in there.

It doesn't matter whether she agrees or understands. You're happy and healthy and living your life - and she has no place in it. THAT's what's bothering her. It's not about her and she's stressed. Okay. She can be stressed. You still live your happy healthy life. She can do with hers whatever she wants - and SHE is choosing to be negative and whiney. Hope that works for her.
« Last Edit: June 08, 2018, 09:56:30 PM by moglow »
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.”  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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Psuedonym

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Re: Got to get this out
« Reply #4 on: June 09, 2018, 12:19:27 AM »
Wow are our Ms similar, down to the 'your eyes look so tired? why do you look so tired?' and then says it must be work. Er, right. Wow, was that a tantrum - an absolute demand that she have her way. The last time mine did this she forced her way into my car and I had to scream at her to get out. Do not respond to her text. She's just flipping through the manipulation manual right now. Fake concern? Not working. Rage? Nope. Guilt? No go. Obligation? Nada. Pick a fight? Nothing. Currently you're dead to her. Maybe next she'll fake a life threatening emergency!

This might help you feel less guilty. You say she can't imagine that you're truly happy? If she's anything like mine, oh yes she can. And she's furious that you're happy when she's not, because how dare you be your own person and have your own life. How dare you not take on all the responsibility for her emotional well being. If you're not going to perform the role she's assigned to you, she's going to damn well try to bring you down with her. Don't let her. You deserve to be happy. Big hug to you.

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Psuedonym

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Re: Got to get this out
« Reply #5 on: June 09, 2018, 12:20:20 AM »
...oh, also, the train metaphor was great. Perfect description.

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daughter

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Re: Got to get this out
« Reply #6 on: June 09, 2018, 11:29:27 AM »
Psuedonym: "furious that you're happy". 

Yes, because you're not enmeshed, dependent and entangled, mom needs to discredit that independence, the happiness and joy presented by your photographs.  When your mother starts this undermining, stop the conversation, stop responding to her, answer with your silence.  Be mindful to not reward bad behavior with your continued attention.

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all4peace

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Re: Got to get this out
« Reply #7 on: June 09, 2018, 12:13:16 PM »
Yes, I do believe they can feel when we're doing just fine without them and pull out all the stops to drag us back in.

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Sojourner17

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Re: Got to get this out
« Reply #8 on: June 09, 2018, 01:17:28 PM »
Yes, the negativity and doubt is draining.  lol, i actually texted the same picture to my best friend to ask her if she thought i looked sick because i was starting to doubt my own reality.  Yes, im tired, yes there are times where pregnancy symptoms arent too pleasant (who doesnt have these moments!?!)  but over all i feel absolutely great physically.

I have been thinking for a bit that I should block her on my instagram again so last night I did so.  She hasnt liked or commented on my posts since she amped things up and before the comments were constantly turning back to trying to bring up memories from childhood or things she and her siblings did.  I dont think she has handled my posts on there very well even though she's not coming right out and calling me out on my posts like she did a year ago.  Now with the way things are i felt it best to block her.  Its just fuel to the fire and I think that she may be feeling jealousy and resentment because of them.  Im undecided on whether i should block my sisters in the meantime as well.  I can see where that may be the next issue.  I keep thinking...my relationship with my sisters doesnt need to be intertwined with hers but it may come to blocking them too just to shut down any avenues for backlash and nastiness.  If its causing my mom to sin against me (which is how im starting to see it more and more) then i want to shut it down.



"Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it..." - Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery

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KeepONKeepingON

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Re: Got to get this out
« Reply #9 on: June 09, 2018, 01:48:37 PM »
Hi Sojourner17 - do whatever you have to do to look after yourself. You are pregnant and don't need this kind of drama. My family have pulled the fake concern card too, without doing anything that could actually help me. Saying something is easy, doing something practical is hard.

I am NC with my sister but am still in contact with my brother. I love my brother but recognise that he will tell my parents anything I tell him so I am careful about what I say to him.

Good luck!  :bighug:

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daughterofbpd

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Re: Got to get this out
« Reply #10 on: June 11, 2018, 08:47:46 PM »
Wow, it sounds like she went through every trick in the PD manual in a day! I think you've been pretty clear as far as what kind of relationship you are willing to offer (taking your past posts into consideration). It seems like you've told her time and again and then some more times with the help of the mediator and she still just refuses to accept it. Her final text sounds like an ultimatum to me - either beg her for forgiveness and have a relationship on her terms - or have no relationship at all. If those are your only 2 choices then I think I'd go with option #2. Seriously, you were so nice to send her photos and be friendly and it just isn't enough for her. She won't be happy unless you go back to being enmeshed and compliant.

I think you actually did good with your text to your sister, not manipulative. Your mom is trying to triangulate the two of you and I think it is best to keep your relationship with your sister separate from your mom. It is likely that your sister did not make those comments or that her words were taken out of context. My mom used to bully me into agreeing with her re her opinion and then she'd run and tell the other person what I'd said.  :sadno: Unless the message comes straight from your sister, I wouldn't address it.

You are doing great. You don't need to justify yourself to your family. You know the truth. Your mom will believe many untrue things about you because she cannot take a look at herself and her behavior. It is a sad reality, but all the justifying in the world isn't going to change her mind. I used to think I could just convince my mom to see that I had my life under control but she never could take my word for it. Please take care of yourself and your children and don't feel bad for protecting yourself from the negativity. You certainly don't need that right now. Good luck & take care.
“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego”
~ Amanda Torroni

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Sojourner17

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Re: Got to get this out
« Reply #11 on: June 12, 2018, 07:45:28 PM »
Thank you all for the posts.

Daughterofbpd, yes, she sure did run through everything in one day.  One thing i missed when i was relaying it all was she pulled my husband into it in a fairly backhanded kind of way by saying how would you feel if your child's wife didnt want to come to your place to visit because it was too crazy and your child supports her decision (meaning my husband not wanting to go out with me to visit them).  Yes, my husband distanced himself before I did.  After the craziness of thanksgiving 2016 he did say he didnt like going there because of the craziness and the drama.  Mom cornered me (i was still in the FOG at that time) and demanded to know why he was not coming with me and i panicked and said it was because he works with people in chaos all week and needs to be able to not have that on his weekend as well...i might have even used the word crazy...i really dont fully remember.  I just remember feeling anxiety and like i was about to set off a bomb...which i did.  I also apologized for saying what i did a few months later and said that i should not have said it in that way.  But that doesnt matter.  So, now my husband is pulled in as well as im siding with him against her. 

I spoke with the mediator again over the phone just before this barrage of texts came in.  Im so glad I did because i think it helped me out a lot.  He said to not get on the rollercoaster, he affirmed that what i was going through was abuse and that I needed to let it all go, including my idea of what a relationship with her should be like.  He told me to write her a letter, read it to my husband and then burn it as a start toward letting things go.  I spent a good part of the day yesterday writing that letter...its at 11 pages.   :blink:  And i know that i could write more. 

OH, and my midwife contacted me today after getting bloodwork done...apparently my Iron is low.   :-\  Which sucks but nothing a suppliment wont fix.  I knew i had been feeling tired last week but i thought it was just because of what was going on with mom and being on my own with our children for the week.  My husband is gone again next week for five days.  Then he wont be gone again for a while...im so glad! 
"Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it..." - Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery