Need to Vent

  • 2 Replies
  • 708 Views
*

athene1399

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1314
Need to Vent
« on: June 13, 2018, 09:45:00 AM »
I need to vent, but have to start with the back story. Also, any names are changed and anything in quotes is paraphrased.

About a year before I started dating my b/f, his ex (who I will call BM going forward) got a steady job and wanted back in their daughter's life. [Ann], their daughter, started spending more time with BM and by the time I entered the picture, BM wouldn't let my b/f pick up [Ann] for visits even though he is the custodial guardian. While that was going on, BM would always text my b/f about [Ann]'s immune system disorder, Hypogammaglobulinemia, which honestly always impressed me that she could spell the damn thing (I just had to google it lol).

We eventually got the custody thing under control and were able to (for the most part), get our time with [Ann]. I even changed my work schedule so I could pick her up from school because BM was mad that where dad lived, [Ann] would have to walk, and if BM's address was [Ann]'s, she could take the bus (BM changed [Ann]'s address with the school without telling dad, so we changed it back since he is the custodial guardian. BM was mad). So since I was now picking [Ann] up from school, I was making the doctor's appointments.

Last year, [Ann]'s primary asked for blood work to be done to test for the immune disorder and said we should go to her immunologist since [Ann] hadn't been there in a couple of years. So we got the blood work done, and I made the appointment. We went in and all the immunologist did was test [Ann]'s asthma, so I asked about the blood work since she was about to dismiss us. The doctor said, "Oh, Ann's blood work has been fine since 2014." I was floored, but didn't say anything, but told my b/f later. BM had led us to believe this, the immune disorder, was still a thing that was ongoing.

When BM called [Ann] to ask about the appointment and [Ann] told her she didn't have the immune disorder anymore, BM argued with her.

It makes me mad because to this day, BM posts on FB about how her and [Ann] both had an immune disorder. It's just "one more thing they have in common." BM cannot tell the difference between her own feelings and [Ann]'s. She calls them "twins" all the time. I find it disturbing. I'm venting because BM just posted on FB twice in the past week about [Ann]'s immune disorder and how she has to be careful or she gets sick easy. Maybe I'm too sensitive about it, I mean [Ann] is 17 now. But I don't want BM turning her into a hypochondriac, or leading her to think she's sick when she isn't, or thinking that the only way to get attention from BM is to playing into being sick. And I'm also mad that BM posts this stuff just for attention.

I want to call her out on it, but my b/f says it's not worth it. There's probably nothing to do, so I just wanted to get it all off my chest. Thank you for listening.  :)

*

Penny Lane

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 1993
Re: Need to Vent
« Reply #1 on: June 13, 2018, 12:20:55 PM »
What is it with medical issues?

We have a similar problem but from the opposite end. Doesn't it always seem like even when the problems are different they're the same??? One of the kids has a long term condition that needs both daily preventative medication and a use-as-needed supplement. It's not a big deal if treated but it is serious - diagnosed by the specialist, kid takes the as-needed one fairly regularly etc. (I've said here before that BM is having a hard time actually doing the daily medicine). The last regular pediatrician appointment, BM goes in and tells the doctor that the kid doesn't have the condition! SO was like, um, yes, kid has been diagnosed with this condition and here's what we're supposed to be doing to treat it. She's also told SO that "(kid) doesn't NEED to take the as-needed medicine!" (that is incorrect, when kid needs this medicine they REALLY need it.) It's all very troubling.

Anyway I think your bf is right. as long as Ann knows she does not have the disorder, you should just let it be. Keep coming to vent here instead, it's probably more productive than getting into it with BM!

By the way, you don't have to answer this if you don't want to but how did the summer schedule issue get sorted out? And is it working?

*

athene1399

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1314
Re: Need to Vent
« Reply #2 on: June 14, 2018, 08:32:04 AM »
We're about to find out about the summer schedule I guess. lol This was a week of exams. We adhered to the usual schedule. My b/f doesn't want to try anything different, so we're going to keep the schedule the same. [Ann] is on board with keeping things 50/50 and we just told BM that yesterday. My b/f didn't want to tell her until she asked for money for summer again. She just asked if he was going to pay her over the summer and he told her he isn't going to because we discussed it with [Ann] and are continuing to split the time. We even said if BM's finances are stretched too thin, we can take [Ann] for extra time.

Because of the exams, [Ann]'s been at BM's house for lunch, even though I've picked her up after work on our nights (Monday, then tonight, tomorrow, and Sunday she's with us, too. It was BM's Sunday this past weekend, so I'm sure she feels like she had Ann for more time this week, plus with the lunches...). BM was saying that she wants money for food this week. Instead, I asked [Ann] what she wanted to eat for lunch and dropped that off. She has an afternoon exam today, so will be eating lunch at her mom's. So even though we've been adhering to the nightly schedule, I've been getting [Ann] on lunch from work after her exams and dropping her off at her mom's. Monday was easier since it was an afternoon exam, I could just pick her up after and take her home with me. But she was still at her mom's in the morning.

I don't think BM liked that we dropped off food instead of money, but too bad. So hopefully things go smooth from here out (though I doubt it). BM needs money bad. She doesn't have a job in the fall again. She was telling us the other day she has no money for food and can hardly afford gas for her car (which my b/f pointed out why do we care about BM's gas when we drive [Ann] to and from school as well as the doctor/ortho appointments? So that's just her problem, but she was making it sound like my b/f should be paying her money since she can't afford gas or food. Then she told us they took a rental car to Cleveland, so he was like no wonder you have no money, but she doesn't see it that way. She thinks she is living within her means and does nothing in excess). She has no money coming from my b/f until she gets insurance because he paid the last payment to her for this job (it's done over 10 month's so June is the last payment). BM tried to make it sound that since he's teaching a summer class he should still be paying her, but nothing's taken out of her check in July and Aug (since it's a 10 month deduction for insurance). So I'm sure that will cause an argument.

For BM the medical stuff is for attention. She loves attention and playing the martyr. With your BM, it sounds like it's more of a control "I know I'm right and you aren't" thing. Although our BM loves diagnosing herself all the time and will keep switching doctors until one agrees with her, so I'm sure we got some of that going on too. lol So like you said
Quote
Doesn't it always seem like even when the problems are different they're the same???
All of our problems do tend to boil down to the same basic principles: control and validation. There's a little bit of projection mixed in there too. The ex's with PDs feel they are always right and entitled to whatever they ask. And when they get emotional they project, at least ours does.

I do see a lot of similarities on the boards here though. Kind of a comfort. I think you said before it's like a secret club we never wanted to belong in. But we're going through this together, and I get strength from that. It really sucks sometimes, but we aren't the only ones. Other have been here before and made it through, so we can too!  :)