Refusal to get medical care

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11JB68

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Refusal to get medical care
« on: July 12, 2018, 02:49:04 PM »
Wondering if anyone else he experienced this with a pd so. UOCPDH (so cluster c anxious/fearful) will NOT go to a doctor.  Has not been to one in about 30+ years. 51yo. Does not take care of himself. Smokes, sedentary life style, poor eating habits, lots of coffee, self medicates with over the counter products. Has always come to me for help and sometimes 'diagnosis'. Any time I've become at all alarmed and/or suggested he should 'see a doctor for that',he reacts with anger and refuses. I've stopped suggesting that. He is now 51and having some health issues that, based on Google searches could be serious, and that without treatment are further limiting his mobility and affecting both of our quality of life. He also managed to make a lot of this My responsibility to fetch him things and care for him etc.

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Summer Sun

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Re: Refusal to get medical care
« Reply #1 on: July 12, 2018, 09:51:54 PM »
11JB68, my H is proactive with healthcare, however, a friend of mine (years ago) died from uterine cancer.  She had not been to a Dr. in fourty years since the birth of her last child.  By the time she ended up in the hospital emergency ward, it was too late for treatments, hospice was arranged for her at home.

Another friend of mineís spouse also would not go to a Dr.  He died of throat cancer, again, the stage was too far advanced for treatment.

It is understandable that this is worrisome for you.  It seems to me unfair to you, to expect you to help diagnose without being qualified? The anger at suggesting he see a Dr? While you canít control him and his decisions, you can control how you react.  You can also state boundRies around the issue Such as refuse to help him diagnose while not suggesting he see a Dr.  Let him bare the responsibility for his own health and any symptoms he refuses to seek diagnoses and treatment for. 

Perhaps you could also ask him what he expects of you in the event an illness turns terminal, (you mentioned fetch and care) and then decide whether you are prepared to meet his expectations?  This is a really hard discussion to have - as you stated though his behaviors and health impact you too, and, your future.  I am sorry for what you are enduring, it must be terribly frightening as well as frustrating.  Do you have a T for support for yourself?

Summer Sun
"The opposite of Love is not Hate, it's Indifference" - Elie Wiesel

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Pepin

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Re: Refusal to get medical care
« Reply #2 on: July 15, 2018, 08:23:24 PM »
This would be my MIL.  She has no clue how to care for herself and I don't think she ever really has.  She has been unable to pick up the phone and call her MD to make an appt on her own nor can she go there my herself without someone helping her.  Some of it is a language thing but that is really more of an excuse at this point.  Driving has always been confusing to her as well since she does not comprehend a map or directions. 

As for over the counter drugs, again, no clue what is what.  Would not occur to her to ask for help from the pharmacist or other staff person.  She does not understand the different types of pain reliever.  She essentially suffers with whatever it is until she has someone to complain to.

DH has tried to help her and lately it has ended in frustration.  I think he senses that years of enabling have caused his mother to be a somewhat helpless woman. 

At this point I am surprised she knows how to use a credit card since she has no clue how to include a tip when using a credit card.  She has DH do it for her if he is present or she leaves a separate cash tip.  She is one of the few remaining people I know that has to walk into a bank to get cash because she cannot use an ATM....and how long have ATMs been around??!!

IDK if this is a mindset or not but sadly, DH's father passed away for seeking treatment too late for some issues he was having.  Turned out to be cancer because it was left for too long. 

PDmil also balks at the price of over the counter drugs and even copays etc.  She is not hurting for money and in my opinion is being ridiculous about her health by trying to be frugal about it.  But hey....you can lead a horse.  It's her life.  She just has to stop complaining about her ailments...which thankfully DH has had enough of.

In addition, PDmil has the white coat syndrome. 

As for her lifestyle she is mostly sedentary and always has been.  She has had problems for the last couple of decades that I have known her and does zero about it.  She buys crap on sale that she shouldn't be eating at her age.  And of the food that she does buy, cheaper trumps quality.  She is not poor but continues to behave like she is.  She doesn't know about organic and I literally shudder thinking about some of the dishes she has made and where the meat comes from.  I also do not see her kitchen practices as being sanitary enough. 

At some point DH and I will have to have a serious conversation about future expectations of her with regards to her health.
Why work so hard to have a relationship with someone that does not care the same way as you?

No PD is going to tell me what to do.

Born into a dysfunctional family and married into a dysfunctional family.

People who don't bring joy, let them go.

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11JB68

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Re: Refusal to get medical care
« Reply #3 on: July 16, 2018, 12:41:06 AM »
Also frustrating as i remember clearly how angry and frustrated and impatient he was when I had an injury several years ago. A legitimate injury, had surgery, took responsibility for my medical care, did the pt exercises etc. But needed assistance and could not drive for a couple months, and he had to pitch in quite a bit around the house. At least we knew what was wrong, got it fixed, and had a clear timeline for recovery with an end in sight/light at the end of the tunnel....

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11JB68

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Re: Refusal to get medical care
« Reply #4 on: February 11, 2020, 02:39:56 PM »
So I've been mc ing his health issues like I do all his other behaviors. I do caretake to a degree but I offer no emotional reaction at all, aside from basic empathy (I'm sorry you don't feel well, I'm sorry you're in pain).
Recently he had an 'episode' that he couldn't figure out and then this past weekend another that I will term an 'attack' as it seemed more intense and lasted longer. The next day he said 'i almost was going to ask you to call 911 or take me to the hospital'. After googling, I think he may be having silent heart attacks.
Still, it is up to him to tell me if he is ready for medical care. I will call or take him but he has to tell me.

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Poison Ivy

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Re: Refusal to get medical care
« Reply #5 on: February 11, 2020, 04:48:46 PM »
I think you are responding appropriately.  I understand the frustration, too.

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11JB68

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Re: Refusal to get medical care
« Reply #6 on: February 11, 2020, 06:24:45 PM »
Thank you ivy. To anyone outside of this forum I'm sure id seem like a mean wife.
The last time I tried to get him to sell need attention he raged at me, so I won't do it. If he asks I will take him.
Also sometimes he seems like he is seeking attention, and I'm not qualified to know the difference.

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Poison Ivy

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Re: Refusal to get medical care
« Reply #7 on: February 11, 2020, 06:41:42 PM »
"Still, it is up to him to tell me if he is ready for medical care. I will call or take him but he has to tell me."  As long as your spouse (or anyone) is competent, this response is both appropriate and legal!

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GettingOOTF

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Re: Refusal to get medical care
« Reply #8 on: February 11, 2020, 09:00:38 PM »
My BPDxH also refused to go to the doctor. It landed him in hospital more than once. I think he liked the attention of being sick and the drama of going to the hospital. It was exhausting

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SparkStillLit

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Re: Refusal to get medical care
« Reply #9 on: February 11, 2020, 09:40:20 PM »
Another no-doctor-seer here, with worrisome symptoms that he wants me to help diagnose, and that he self medicates for.
Has gotten a healthier lifestyle. Very healthy. Does occasionally go to one of those store clinics for really bad stuff that won't subside that he can't function with (coughing violently for weeks, no sleep; hives all over for over a week that started to ooze), but bar that, no.
Not so big on the dentist, either. Major teeth issues.
Like you, I've been MCing any nebulous stuff....well, everything, really. If he wants it taken care of, he can go see a professional. If he actually becomes incapacitated (like has a heart attack or something) I will do as I should. Otherwise it's down to him.

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eddiegirl

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Re: Refusal to get medical care
« Reply #10 on: February 12, 2020, 01:14:21 AM »
Yes. I scheduled his appointments, registered him for his online med resources (he doesn't have email), offered to drive him, over and over. He replies, "I don't want to be reliant on anyone," or "I'm too scared."  He's a smoker, drinks over 12 beers a night, and does some drugs (lies to me about it, but admits to doing street meth "a few times"). Not sure why he does all of this. I think he's happy with his lot and doesn't want to get well.

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11JB68

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Re: Refusal to get medical care
« Reply #11 on: February 12, 2020, 08:43:04 AM »
Eddiegirl, the not wanting to get well, I wonder about that sometimes.
With my uocpdh I think most of this comes from not wanting anyone to tell him what to do.
But I feel like there may also be a subconscious thing where this solved a problem for him. He really doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything, and his foot problems (edema?) Mean that he can't do he has an excuse.

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11JB68

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Re: Refusal to get medical care
« Reply #12 on: February 20, 2020, 12:19:56 AM »
Tonight he tells me he had another'attack' today, while he was home alone. He was almost going to call me at work to come home.
Rather than call 911 for himself. He'd call me, half hour away, to come home.
This makes no sense. Then it went away.
Didn't stop him from having a plateful of cookies before dinner, corn loaded with butter with dinner, and a pile of ice cream for dessert. Plus the many cigarettes and coffee loaded with sugar all day.
 :stars:

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SparkStillLit

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Re: Refusal to get medical care
« Reply #13 on: February 20, 2020, 09:41:10 AM »
I feel like you and I are in some weird parallel universe.
Yesterday was a "shitty" day because h had some odd "attack" overnight. He acted crappy all day....I mean, he's been acting up pretty much for over a month now, but even more so yesterday.
I'm just MCing it. Or trying my best anyway.

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SeaBreeze

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Re: Refusal to get medical care
« Reply #14 on: February 20, 2020, 09:53:57 AM »
Dealt with this not 5 minutes ago via text. The usual "should I go to the doctor" convo that rarely results in uNPDh actually seeking medical care. I started to Google this latest malady and send him a link, but then stopped myself. I realized he can Google the same information himself instead of texting me for advice he does not intend to follow!

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GettingOOTF

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Re: Refusal to get medical care
« Reply #15 on: February 20, 2020, 12:08:53 PM »
I was thinking about this thread in terms of my ex and it hit me that my father always refused to go to the doctor. He would make such a big deal of his illness/injury which would really worth my mother and cause all sorts of drama growing up.

A couple of years ago he was watching tv and realized he had the symptoms of a serious condition they were talking about. He called the doctor straight away and got an appointment right away.

So when they think they are actually sick they take care of themselves. The rest is simply manipulation and control.

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11JB68

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Re: Refusal to get medical care
« Reply #16 on: February 21, 2020, 12:01:04 AM »
Seabreeze yes! He wanted me to Google it. Yet he won't believe anything I or the internet say, won't do what it says to do etc. So why?
Spark, yes, lots of weird parallels.
Gootf... Mine basically recently had said he felt like he was going to die, and maybe it was a diabetic thing or heart attack... But still he will not get care for himself.
The last time he showed me a symptom he had and I said huh I think you should have that checked out, he freaked, yelled at me, accused me of catastrophising (you always make it sound like I'm gonna die!)

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NumbLotus

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Re: Refusal to get medical care
« Reply #17 on: February 21, 2020, 12:05:46 AM »
Oh, I get it. He wants you to

1) Give him attention
2) Take him seriously
3) Prove you care by spending time on it
4) And then soothe and reassure him that it's alllll fiiiiine and he doesn't have to worry or do anything difficult like see a doctor, change his diet, etc.
Just a castaway, an island lost at sea
Another lonely day, noone here but me
More loneliness than any man could bear

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11JB68

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Re: Refusal to get medical care
« Reply #18 on: February 21, 2020, 12:23:58 AM »
Numb lotus  :yeahthat: all of that and then some.
I should fix it so he doesn't have to.
And also it will always be someone else's fault....IF he went to the Dr and found out he has a heart problem it would be... 11 you have to be nicer to me, you can't make me do x, I can't work due to stress,  I can't have any stress, etc. Not that he should watch his diet and lifestyle and take his meds etc.
In fact when his dad had a heart attack he told his mom you have to be nicer to him, not argue with him, not make him mad etc ... Ugh. 🤮

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11JB68

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Re: Refusal to get medical care
« Reply #19 on: February 24, 2020, 01:43:35 AM »
Well, today he had a heart attack. Finally bad enough that he asked me to call 911.
He's overnight at the hospital now. They said it was a minor one.
Hospital staff a bit shocked that he's not seen a Dr in 30 years, that he's not on any rx and takes several otc drugs as self medication.
Meanwhile he argued with me about the underwear I bought him, etc.
Will be interesting to see how this goes as he had to make major lifestyle changes and medical follow up etc.