Finding one crisis after another

[Jsinjin]

I believe the internet evolved because it found a big bunch of PD people whom. It could serve up one crisis after another.    Night after night and day after day my uOCPDw sits and finds critical event after critical event.  The usual method of broadcasting is, halt the TV with the remote and yell "oh my God" then say 'oh my God" then " Oh no" and then when someone bites and says " what's wrong" she says 'ohh, that's so sad' and reads a bit more then finally after about 5 minutes will say "the nephew of one of the candidates for city council in (insert city name near us) died this morning"

I'll say I feel for the family but I have no idea who these people are, I have no idea who the nephew was and the way it sounded a family emergency as though a first cousin had cancer.

But this is all the time!    Facebook and blogs and news feeds are built to provide her with continuous feeds of potentially horror filled news about things that kind of are sad but don't deserve major crisis awareness in the home.

[Cascade]

I agree with you, the internet is a perfect fit for people who are searching for things to get upset over.  My husband reacts to things on his phone too. One time I asked him what was wrong and it was just some minor setback in a game he was playing! Sounded like a tragedy.

[Honey_B]

My mother and sister do this all the time 
Not a week passes without my mother declaring that NOW WW3 will start! She loves the drama of potential war, disease, death, riots, terrorism, etc.

And the way news is delivered on both the internet and TV, feeds her drama. She tries to bait anyone to run along with her by acting dramatic, gesturing wildly, turning op the TV volume, posting articles on facebook where she declares the world is about to end... or break into war or just insinuating that "something bad" will happen and then we are all supposed to gather around her and listen to her wild theories about what will happen.

I completely ignore everything, which pi**ses her off. Sometimes she stops the drama when I dont react, sometimes she just escalates the drama and I have to leave.

[Jsinjin]

I completely ignore everything, which pi**ses her off. Sometimes she stops the drama when I dont react, sometimes she just escalates the drama and I have to leave.

HB, I try to ignore it too which usually results in an escalation.   My spouse is always focused on stuff that is way more local than wars but it's the same.    It could be that the president of an elementary PTA where our kids don't go to school is trying to have a book banned or it could be that someone we peripherally know just remotely had an aunt get a cancer diagnosis.    It's all stuff that could be potentially crisis worthy but not enough to detail getting the kids to school on time or goignnto work etc.   Ignoring it can lead to escalations quickly though.

J

[NumbLotus]

Just curious, when she starts throwing pans in the garbage because "apparently nobody cares," who fishes them out of the garbage, cleans them, and puts them back away when the crisis is over?

[Jsinjin]

Just curious, when she starts throwing pans in the garbage because "apparently nobody cares," who fishes them out of the garbage, cleans them, and puts them back away when the crisis is over?

NL, it's always me of the kids sheepishly and often when she is out of sight.    Sometimes it's her though after the escapade.     But that's only when there is an escalation.

[NumbLotus]

I am just asking, what would happen if you didn't clean up her messes anymore?

I bet she does in fact care about those pans, even more than you do.

[1footouttadefog]

I believe the internet evolved because it found a big bunch of PD people whom. It could serve up one crisis after another.    Night after night and day after day my uOCPDw sits and finds critical event after critical event.  The usual method of broadcasting is, halt the TV with the remote and yell "oh my God" then say 'oh my God" then " Oh no" and then when someone bites and says " what's wrong" she says 'ohh, that's so sad' and reads a bit more then finally after about 5 minutes will say "the nephew of one of the candidates for city council in (insert city name near us) died this morning"

I'll say I feel for the family but I have no idea who these people are, I have no idea who the nephew was and the way it sounded a family emergency as though a first cousin had cancer.

But this is all the time!    Facebook and blogs and news feeds are built to provide her with continuous feeds of potentially horror filled news about things that kind of are sad but don't deserve major crisis awareness in the home.

Wow, I lived with this for years.  We eventually took pdh's laptop from him.  His therapists wanted him to stop . I bought a tv that has some apps built in so he can use YouTube a bit or Netflix. 

I used to get a constant flow of new headlines all day. Pdh would want to be angry and rage about the topics and desoararely needed me to get angry with him.  Like you I did not feel the connection emotionally while logically I could understand it was bad for the relatives if the stranger hours away. 

I think it was partly a need to insert himself into what I was enjoying, to detail.my attention to what he wanted it to be on.  When I set up my own room years back this was the first boundary.  He does not get to follow me downstairs with news headlines/ outbursts.  I now say I am off for the night and I expect not to be bothered further. He is retired and we are together alot so this is not depriving him of company.

[clara]

I definitely think this is part of the "inserting themselves into the drama" behavior pattern some of them have.  Things aren't exciting or dramatic enough around the house/at work/in your relationship?  Then find something outside of the usual places where you create drama, because there must be drama all the time!  (or until they get tired of it.  How you feel is immaterial).  They need to feel important so connecting themselves to events that really have nothing to do with them helps achieve this feeling.  And yes, the internet is an endless supplier for this need. 

[BeautifulCrazy]

In my relationship with my uPDh, this was a (rare) fixable issue.
My PD was definitely guilty of Finding One Crisis After Another but the rest of us in the family, including adult children, were equally culpable of Feeding One Crisis After Another. (enabling, providing N supply, fawning, placating, willing victims, call it what you will...)
If you can own your 50% of the interaction, you can MC the heck out of this one and it works. There will probably be a few incidents of escalation at the beginning (okay, there definitely will be!) but if you stand firm on your boundary of not being involved and not reacting, you can break the cycle. I am finding MC works exactly as well as you consistently apply it. Yes, many of us have experienced MC breakdown because escalation works for the PD over more important things. Unless we can leave the relationship, we often have to back down when important things are at stake. But in this type of case, even the PD won't find it important enough to take it to the wall. That would be "crazy" behaviour!! Be firm, and even the escalation can be ignored. Take the kids and go to the park or to get some ice cream. Send the kids to their rooms and you go take a shower. Start a game or activity somewhere else in the house. If your kids are 10+, you can teach them to MC with some effectiveness, without vilifying or disrespecting your spouse. If you are working on taking responsibility for and improving your half of your relationships, you can approach it with your kids from that angle. ("I'm noticing these behaviours in myself that aren't healthy and I want to do better. I think we can all apply this...")
Read and re-read how to MC in the toolbox section. Come up with some stock responses and practice a few scenarios in your head so you can flow through convincingly when it happens.
Sending you strength.

~BC

[BeautifulCrazy]

NumbLotus I think you have nailed it! Your questions are the Occam's Razor. Ouch!
I have some experience now and should know better. It sucks to acknowledge, but this kind of stuff is happening in my life, and it is because I am not doing what I should. Or taking responsibility for more than I should. Or using the tools complacently, selectively or (sigh) not at all.
This could be part of that whole "my stuff" / "your stuff" thing!
Or the rule about everyone being responsible for cleaning up their own messes.
Or the 50% rule.
Or not applying MC or Grey Rock properly (or not consistently).
Like Jsinjin and his family, we sometimes are doing things "sheepishly" and "when ___ is out of sight". Thank you NumbLotus for this reality check: when we behave in ways that are right / healthy / constructive, we do so openly and without guilt. If we are sheepish or hiding, we know we are not behaving as we should.
This is a super good reminder for those of us who have been around the boards a while. TOOLBOX TOOLBOX TOOLBOX!! Read it. Re-read it. Refresh often.
If you are new / newer, this is also a great reminder to get familiar with some of the tools in the Toolbox section.
Love and support to everyone reading!

~BC

[Jsinjin]

Thank you all!    I really appreciate these great recommendations.    Sometimes i forget that processes and techniques work and are suggested to us because they work and if we don't follow through then  they definitely won't work for us!   Thank you all!!