Oh, you miss me, do you?

[Call Me Cordelia]

Every time I hear from either of my siblings I feel so 

We have basically no relationship and it's been that way for years. I was the only one who ever made much effort. But once the drama of my NC with our parents unfolded, it was made very clear that they do not care about me. I know this is common and I try not to take it personally... but they still get me so mad!

I had an email from the youngest one recently. She's graduating college tomorrow and here's the link to the live feed if I "care" to watch it. I miss you.

That's all. That is all that she's bothered to say to me in almost a year. I get a bid for attention and an outright lie. She has ignored every single one of my communications to her as soon as it was clear she wouldn't be able to make further use of the "sibling concierge service" as somebody on here described it. At the time it was all going down I felt it prudent to share some of the horrible things our NF put in writing about me and the context behind the cease and desist I sent, because heaven knows what they had heard. Now I see that was JADE even though I was brief and factual, and might have done differently now, but I was trying to be fair to them. Very clear on no expectations or desire for them to do anything with that information other than don't be flying monkeys. Neither of them said so much as, "Wow, I'm so sad this is happening." Just ghosted me.

So the graduation was Saturday and I still haven't been able to bring myself to say a dispassionate, bus-stop level "Congratulations." I am still angry. But part of me is feeling guilty too, because I feel like I'm being just as bad to her. She is very young and what do I expect from her being brought up the way I know very well she was? I don't think it's her fault entirely. Is it okay to just ghost her as well? The relationship would have to be the greyest of grey rocks on my end and I'm thinking it's just not worth it. But is that how to treat people? It feels ungenerous and cold. Should I keep the door open the tiniest crack? Or just not let any hope in? I feel like saying "Congratualtions" and nothing else is almost worse. But I really have nothing to say to her that isn't anger and hurt. And that's just a bad idea.

[Call Me Cordelia]

 

So now she's engaged, and she writes her estranged sister this news within an hour of the proposal, apparently. And now she LOVES me.

[overitall]

I have gone through this with my sister for over 30 years....I finally ended all communication two years ago...she contacts me when she wants something...she'll start with sending a card, claiming how much she misses me and loves me.....um, okay, she lives 10 minutes from me...after sending a card, she'll want to get together...at this point, she'll start hinting around about what she wants from me....if she doesn't get what she wants, she'll fly into a rage and we'll return again to very LC...

I honestly cannot believe I did this for so long...over the past 15 years she has ruined several important events (weddings, etc.) with her behavior...the last one was it for me....I used to feel sorry for her, realizing that we had a horrible upbringing with uBPDm and uNPDf...I guess I'm just getting older, but I just don't have the time or patience for it anymore.  She always acts surprised that I am no longer interested in a relationship with her....

A few years ago, I had a very bad year....almost lost my home to a natural disaster, very stressful and evacuated for extended period of time...entailed a lot of stress (moving of animals and family in order to be safe)  She was radio silent about it....never heard from her until a YEAR later....she just does not get it....I don't feel guilty anymore....I still can get angry, but I mostly don't think about her anymore..

[Call Me Cordelia]

Ugh, gross. I can't imagine the sinking feeling of receiving that card, knowing she's taking you around the loop again. I'm really sorry she did that to you and gave you nothing in return. That's terrible. But thank you for sharing.

I see it as very plausible that I could be writing something like this if I don't just get off the ride. Lots of similarities. My sister demonstrates no caring about me even when I have serious things going on in my own life. Yes, it's radio silence until she wants something from me. Seems like now it's applause, and probably cash and presents and my attendance at her wedding.   

The guilt has gone way down since getting her second message. My only consideration with whether to reply or not is what will keep me safest. It may be prudent to just fire off a bland congrats to stave off flying monkey attacks. Maybe. But if I acknowledge and cash and prizes are not forthcoming, it could be worse. It still feels like a minefield. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

So I'm mostly talking to myself on this thread but whatever!  Maybe the live processing of FOG will be instructive to someone lurking there.

It's a trap. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I see no reason to believe there's any love there for me. "Congrats" would keep the door ajar... to further hoovering and FOG. 

Time to block her on e-mail and my phone. And her flying monkeys. And her little dog, too. 

[bloomie]

Cordelia - it is painful to face that a sibling does not show even a reasonable level of genuine interest in our lives and reciprocity in relationship with us. I'm sorry it has come to the point where the way your sister "does" relationship with you no longer works for you. I've been in these shoes with a sibling and admit that facing the reality of the state of the relationship and ending contact was, in time, a huge relief.

[BunnyLover]

Frankly, the first message you mentioned had me immediately thinking "She's trolling for a graduation present." Now she's getting married? It sure does appear that she just wants pressies and once she gets them you'll be back on the scapegoat list.

[nanotech]

Is it about appearances- as in her fiance's family might judge her if you don't appear at the wedding, that sort of thing?
Could be.
I have the same sort of thing. No relationship AT ALL with three sibs( because  I no longer allow myself to be family scapegoat) - then all of a sudden when an event means they truly can't manage without  attention from me , and any supply from wider society is dependent upon everything in the family  oozing 'warm and fuzzy', they callously click their fingers and spout a few soppy words.
Oh, the bare faced hypocrisy.
They can turn it on and off. It's actually quite chilling.
I get how you feel. Once Out of the FOG there's no going back. X Good for us. 😊

[Call Me Cordelia]

Thanks, you all. I feel pretty sure my Narents are behind it too... some of the wording of her message sounded suspiciously like uNF. Presents and appearances are the least of my worries, likely anything I do or say to her will be mined for maximum supply. Anyway, after all this I'm still learning it's ok to protect myself! Gah.

[guitarman]

"I'm still learning that it's OK to protect myself!"

YES YES YES! Me too. I have to put my own safety and wellbeing first. Even after decades of abuse I'm still learning to do that as well.

I choose not to be abused any more but the FOG can be too much. Little by little things can change for you.

Keep calm. Keep strong.

You do not have to keep putting your hand back in the fire only to keep getting hurt. That's what I've learnt.

We have choices even though it feels like we don't because of all the FOG.

Best wishes

guitarman X

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hahahaha now on to DH, "Did Cordelia get my eeeemails?" 

Typical. Completely typical. DH wants to know: Just delete or, "If Cordelia wants to answer she will"? The only reason not to just delete would be to stop the flying monkeys swirling in. I never formally declared NC with the sibs, but I did say I was stepping away and limiting contact with the whole family.

[TriedTooHard]

This sounds a lot like the relationship between my siblings and me, about 25 years ago.  I really appreciate you posting this, it has helped me a lot with the guilt of not having much contact with the ones who won't get it.

I'm not sure how I feel about going no contact and making it extremely clear with this type of person.  Ghosting someone also feels like a bad option, but to do it with no JADE'ing and with clear boundaries could help keep the door open if someone isn't disordered and does some healing later in life.   

It does sound like gift shopping and attention seeking, but it could also be about important events in her life causing her to mourn the distant relationship she has with you.  At her young age, and with her family background, it may be the only way she can figure out how to start a relationship with you.  And now onto the negative - this hope has only worked out with 1 of my 3 siblings.  25 years later, 2 are very much self absorbed and most likely disordered.  1 is not, but he has a lot of flaws and fleas from our upbringing, that he may never shed.  I do too, and its been worth it for me to keep in touch with him, but it hasn't always been easy.  There were times when I was very wrong about which one of my siblings stayed in the FOG, and which didn't.