Pd parent phrases

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KD5FUL

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Pd parent phrases
« on: July 20, 2018, 08:26:26 PM »
Did your pd parenst say any of these phrases to you when you were a child?  Do they still say any of them to you now?

Things they said when I was younger:

"Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about"

"Children should be seen and not heard"

"I'm going to teach you a lesson"

Things they say now:

"You were always so difficult"

"I did the best I could"

"No parents are perfect"

"You didn't come with an instruction manual"

"All you want to do is fight"

"You live in the past.  Get over it."
לפום צערא אגרא

A victim of abuse who suffers in silence will suffer the most.

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bruceli

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Re: Pd parent phrases
« Reply #1 on: July 20, 2018, 08:46:20 PM »
They said all of the childhood ones, but non of the current ones most likely due to that would mean that they may have been wrong or may not have known exactly what they where doing, and they could never do that. In my 52 years on this planet, I have never heard my parents say "sorry" for anything or to anyone.
One will never fulfill their destiny or truly be free, until they can let go of the illusion of control.

Fair doesn't mean equal and best doesn’t mean good.

They could see me walk on water, and they would say it is because I can not swim.

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Amadahy

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Re: Pd parent phrases
« Reply #2 on: July 20, 2018, 09:32:48 PM »
Actually, none of these (in words anyway), but the unanswerable, matter-of-fact, not even in a rage ....

"I wish I had never had kids."

Thanks, Nmom. You're a peach.   :sadno:
Ring the bells that still can ring;
Forget your perfect offering.
There's a crack in everything ~~
That's how the Light gets in!

~~ Leonard Cohen

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Some One

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Re: Pd parent phrases
« Reply #3 on: July 21, 2018, 12:41:06 AM »
I used to get, "You were always so difficult to love."

My mother did some variation of "I did the best I could" and "I'm not perfect" usually with the fake cry mixed in. (Insert eye roll here)
I will not pretend. 
I will not put on a smile. 
I will not say I'm all right for you,  
~Martha Wainwright.

NC almost 9.5 years with Nmom.  Enjoy the Silence.

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UsedUp

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Re: Pd parent phrases
« Reply #4 on: July 21, 2018, 01:14:00 AM »
Growing up...Mom, 'You were an accident. We didn't mean to have YOU.'

Dad, 'You're stupid!'  'You don't have a mind of your own!'  'Kids always inherit the WORST of both parents.'

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Seven

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Re: Pd parent phrases
« Reply #5 on: July 21, 2018, 01:34:12 AM »
“When I found out I was pregnant with you, (after having six already) I cried and cried” (not happy tears)

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truthseeker4life

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Re: Pd parent phrases
« Reply #6 on: July 21, 2018, 03:01:58 AM »
My favorite of My pd mom

Mom - what do you want for mother's day, your birthday, etc. (This was when I was talking to her)

Oh she would day, "I just want good kids"

As i got older I would get angry and say well you already have that - what do you want - i would say - i am good - i could have turned out really bad

Her reply, "I could have turned out really bad too"

!!!

Her wanting "good" kids meant kids without independence who fully served their mother's interests above all else.

Scary thing is I know she is praying "for my conversion" at church almost every day getting sympathy from all that will listen when they know nothing of her abuse and lies which she is never accountable for. And because I stood up to her for once in 40 years - she has utterly abandoned me rather than admit to her ways.

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practical

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Re: Pd parent phrases
« Reply #7 on: July 21, 2018, 08:20:33 AM »
M: "Madame, ..." followed by some statement about how I had offended her, done something wrong, but more importantly a look and tone of voice that turned you into a pile of ashes.

M: "I hope you suffer when you have kids they way I suffer because of you." or "I hope your kids are as difficult/horrible as you are, then you'll know what I went through because of you."

M: "You are so cold, I pity your children/you should never have children." (me refusing to fulfill her latest need).

M: "If I was young again, I would never marry and have children but would live my life free of any burdens." (while at the same time insisting she loved me so much and expecting me to be her mascot, her dutiful daughter).

uOCPDF when showing him some thing I had made: "The next time you should do it this way ..." (= his way, the only perfect way), might not sound so bad, is incredibly corrosive as it says "you are not good enough" again and again and again.

F: "I cannot watch this." Grabbing whatever you were doing and finishing it, or leaving the room with, both statements suggesting - really stating - you are doing it wrong.

B or me: "What do you want for your birthday?"
F: "Peace and quiet."
This happened so many times that B and I gave him a nicely wrapped giant box, labeled "Peace & Quiet" one day.

F: "Don't disturb me!" or "What do you want from me now?" said with utter enervation and suffering, when wanting to show him something, talk to him, so I left and over time just didn't bother anymore, disturbed him only when absolutely necessary. Yeah, and I was considered F's favorite, apparently a relative term depending on where your scale starts.
“If I’m not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when I’m only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when?” (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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DaisyGirl77

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Re: Pd parent phrases
« Reply #8 on: July 21, 2018, 10:50:53 AM »
"You're bad/awful/etc."

"Why can't you be more like your sister?"

"When I found out I was pregnant with [Sis1], I cried & cried.  I didn't want another child like you."

"Why must you be so difficult?"

"Why must you always fight?"  OR:  "Why can't you go one day without fighting?"

"You're willful/stubborn."

"You can't be friends with ___."

"I can't trust you."  (When I'd given my uNM zero reason for this.)

"You need to apologize to me for all the things you did as a kid."

"I didn't do anything wrong; you did."

"I did the best I could."

"If you hadn't ___, then I wouldn't have had to spank you so much."  (More like beat because she did it with a wooden spoon.)

"You need to change for me.  I'm too old to change."

"You needed structure/discipline/stability."  --  After describing an incident where she dragged 5 month old me to 5 different people's houses on Christmas Day & I threw an epic fit after the third house & she had to call off the rest of her plans.

"I gave up my friends for you."  --  See above for why.

"You're so hard to love."

"I love your sisters more than you."

"I had to give up my life for you!  I gave up my friends, all the things I loved to do, to take care of you!"

Lots more, but those are the ones that came to mind.
I lived with my dad's uPD mom for 3.5 years.  This is my story:  http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=59780.0  (TW for abuse descriptions.)

"You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm." - Anonymous

NC with uNM since December 2016.  VLC with uPDF.

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Zebrastriped

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Re: Pd parent phrases
« Reply #9 on: July 21, 2018, 11:11:22 AM »
My uBPDmom would often tell me, dripping with sarcasm, "I hope you have a kid like you."  I did, and I loved it and she knew it.

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Summer Sun

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Re: Pd parent phrases
« Reply #10 on: July 21, 2018, 11:23:10 AM »
A resounding yes to ALL the youth phrases and yes to a couple of the adult phrases with a twist.  Whenever I would attempt to bring up something painful from childhood, Unpdm would say, “I don’t live in the past”. 

UNPDf also had a pet name growing up pronounced “E - D - OT”. How special!

Summer Sun

"The opposite of Love is not Hate, it's Indifference" - Elie Wiesel

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blacksheep7

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Re: Pd parent phrases
« Reply #11 on: July 21, 2018, 12:49:30 PM »
M "you were stubborn, you didn't want to say you were sorry to your gf"   I was 4 maybe.  I heard it often
being an adult.

M, when we would call her,  after we would say "hi mom" she would reply in a singing tone, being sarcastic " no news is good news".  I asked her "why do you say that"?  I knew why but I wanted to hear her response which was "you're the only one who complains about it"  She continued until I lost my temper before I went nc the first time.  To provoke was her fun and get her message across.

Comparison with my sister was regular before I went nc the second and last time one year ago.

M "your're looking for problems when there are worst ones in the world right now"  :stars:
I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear.

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OnwardUpward

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Re: Pd parent phrases
« Reply #12 on: July 21, 2018, 04:07:10 PM »
Oh my gosh, yeah.  All of the above. 

Also, "You have a very vivid imagination."

"You're going to make some man verrrrry happy some day"  (eye roll, look of disgust)

"Why can't you have more friends like your sister."

"X [any friend at the time] is weird.  She's just weird."

"I love you because I have to, but I don't like you."

"You're jealous of my relationship with your sister, always have been."

"You're jealous..."  of pretty much anything that is a source of conflict - she spins it so it's something I'm 'jealous' of.

"You're your father's daughter."

"My marriage ruined me"  (also, I ruined their marriage.  Goes back and forth between these two, depends on the day.)

I could go on and on.  This thread is a great read - thanks for the post KD5FUL! 

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HeadAboveWater

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Re: Pd parent phrases
« Reply #13 on: July 21, 2018, 05:25:38 PM »
The adult phrases ring true for me, particularly the first three. “No parents are perfect” has been used by my mother both to absolve herself of responsibility and in attempts to get me to raise children of my own, though I feel unready.

I’ll add some childhood phrases, many of which have carried over into my adulthood:
“You’re too sensitive.”
“You’re a drama queen.”
“You’re just like your mother/father.” (Obviously, not in a good way)

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truthseeker4life

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Re: Pd parent phrases
« Reply #14 on: July 21, 2018, 06:27:58 PM »
Ha

My mom used to use the phrase

I hope you get a kid just like you

And I used to say

It must skip a generation because how did you get me?  I'm set then!

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carrots

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Re: Pd parent phrases
« Reply #15 on: July 21, 2018, 08:36:13 PM »
B or me: "What do you want for your birthday?"
F: "Peace and quiet."

My uBPDM had a similar answer to the same question "Children who don't fight."  We didn't give her a box of it though.  :thumbup: on that idea, practical.

From the list at the top of thread, my parents especially uBPDM said most of them. "Why are you so difficult?" was a favourite. Also "It's your own stupid fault".

Some memorable ones were rare but hit hard. From uBPDM "You're jealous of the good relationship your brother and I have". She neglected me emotionally and refused to protect me from B1. As for "good relationship" M went into rages and hit B when he was small and by the time he was a teen the tables had turned and he was hitting her instead. Really good relationship.

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Farm Girl

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Re: Pd parent phrases
« Reply #16 on: July 21, 2018, 11:39:26 PM »
M: It’s a good thing god was smart enough not to give you kids. They’d be in jail by now.

M: It’s a good thing you don’t have kids - you’d never get to do all these things if you had kids (referring to the stressful and undesired travel I was required to do for my 80-hour a week job).

F: No matter how good you think you are at this (usually in reference to high school sports), there is always somebody better.

M: Dogs don’t go to heaven! (upon the death of my beloved dog when I was 5 and said, “At least Coco is with God now.”).

M: This isn’t for telling (meaning I’d better not repeat what was done or said at home referring to every single thing that happened at home for the first 18 years of my life)

M: Once you have kids, your life is never your own again (complete with waif voice and huge sigh).

M: You may remember it that way (any family story or memory), but you’re wrong.

F: You’re too sensitive. You take everything so personally. (This is his absolute favorite thing to say to me).

Both: Well, life isn’t fair. (I agree, but this was said frequently when my basic emotional needs went unmet, and it was said dripping with sarcasm and with a sick, sideways smirk as if they enjoyed seeing my pain).

« Last Edit: July 22, 2018, 12:01:01 AM by Farm Girl »

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40andfab

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Re: Pd parent phrases
« Reply #17 on: July 22, 2018, 12:52:54 AM »
How about "all of us parents think we are perfect, but one day there will be a reckoning, just wait" she said this to me anytime she felt I was judging her parenting.

Never thought I was perfect, still don't.

"you are sooooo sensitive" usually followed by an eyeroll

"you think your sh*t doesn't stink" anytime I felt a smidgen of joy or pride

"Just wait until I have something juicy on you" said in response to me calling out Narc sis on a lie








"The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance" – Nathaniel Branden

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11JB68

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Re: Pd parent phrases
« Reply #18 on: July 22, 2018, 12:27:15 PM »
M: "Madame, ..." followed by some statement about how I had offended her, done something wrong, but more importantly a look and tone of voice that turned you into a pile of ashes.

M: "I hope you suffer when you have kids they way I suffer because of you." or "I hope your kids are as difficult/horrible as you are, then you'll know what I went through because of you."

M: "You are so cold, I pity your children/you should never have children." (me refusing to fulfill her latest need).

M: "If I was young again, I would never marry and have children but would live my life free of any burdens." (while at the same time insisting she loved me so much and expecting me to be her mascot, her dutiful daughter).

uOCPDF when showing him some thing I had made: "The next time you should do it this way ..." (= his way, the only perfect way), might not sound so bad, is incredibly corrosive as it says "you are not good enough" again and again and again.

F: "I cannot watch this." Grabbing whatever you were doing and finishing it, or leaving the room with, both statements suggesting - really stating - you are doing it wrong.

B or me: "What do you want for your birthday?"
F: "Peace and quiet."
This happened so many times that B and I gave him a nicely wrapped giant box, labeled "Peace & Quiet" one day.

F: "Don't disturb me!" or "What do you want from me now?" said with utter enervation and suffering, when wanting to show him something, talk to him, so I left and over time just didn't bother anymore, disturbed him only when absolutely necessary. Yeah, and I was considered F's favorite, apparently a relative term depending on where your scale starts.

A couple of things here really resonate for me.... First uPDm would always say something like that when asked what she wanted for a gift...peace and quiet. I wish any of us had had the guts to give her a box labeled that! It created an impossible situation where we couldn't possibly give her something she'd be happy with, so enF would go to extremes trying to get her a great gift. Also since I realized much later in life that SHE was the one creating the drama and chaos....she's the only one who could have given us ALL that gift! Also.... Your F reacting poorly when you sought his attention for something....leading you to stop asking. This is my uOCPDh with ds(now20)...and now H complains that ds doesn't talk to him, even when they are at home All day together....he's dad about it but clearly doesn't get it.

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saskia

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Re: Pd parent phrases
« Reply #19 on: July 22, 2018, 03:44:12 PM »
Hello, I haven't posted on here in months but do lurk/read.  This post really stuck a chord with me and I will write more about my (possibly UBPD Hermit, UPPD or narcissistic mother) soon.  Sometimes I am overwhelmed by sifting through it all, doing all the 'emotional work' as another post so astutely stated that I don't know where to start.  Then I doubt myself and/or keep it all inside, possibly to maintain my own status quo.  Today (while admittedly suffering from PMT), I was assailed with a huge wave of feeling 'it's not fair'.  Ah well.  Onwards.  to start with, here are my phrases:

Childhood phrases

'It's your own fault'

'Wash that red face' (because I looked ugly when I cried and that was embarrassing to her)

'Nobody will like you if you're like that' (meaning if I talk/express/show emotion or intelligence)

'Stop going round in circles'

'I don't understand you, the way you are'  ('the way I am' was attributed to any behaviour or preference that was different from hers or that which she had assigned to me)

'Don't show them you're bothered' (if I was ever bullied or had an argument with a classmate)

'They're just phony friends'

Childhood up to now

'Women are always jealous'

'No need for it' (any behaviour involving joy/celebration/happiness/appreciation of life for its own sake)

'I'm just being realistic' (when being incredibly pessimistic - her default and almost only setting)

'Up in the clouds' (her interpretation of me or anyone else expressing joy)

'That's just excuses' (used often but most memorably a few years ago when I told her people had commented how much happier I was after I had made some well-needed changes in my personal life which she happened to disapprove of.  She sees happiness as not a real thing, just a made-up excuse that people use  :stars:)

And the most common word: 'nonsense', as in 'I don't want to hear your nonsense', 'They're just filling your head full of nonsense', 'I'm not interested in that nonsense', 'Get away with your nonsense'.  This word was applied to anything that did not match her extremely narrow world-view or me being in any way deep or emotional.