Pd parent phrases

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all4peace

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Re: Pd parent phrases
« Reply #20 on: July 22, 2018, 05:27:46 PM »
"I could brain you!!"--I looked this up in adulthood. It means literally beat the brains out of someone.
"Just wait til you have kids! Then you'll understand." Yep, but probably not like you thought.
"You want to cry?! I can give you something to cry about!"
"This hurts me more than it hurts you." As I was the one with welts and bruises, I highly doubt it. I bet it made them feel like actual adults simply "disciplining" their kids, though.
"Don't look at me like you're thinking [fill in blank with whatever f thought i was thinking at that moment, as apparently mind reading was considered possible]"
"Just wait until your father gets home!" Who wouldn't want to deliver beatings after a long day of work?
"I just want good children" when asked what she wanted for mother's day or her birthday. I really hated that one.
"I hope you have a kid like you" I did have her, I adore her, and it's a simultaneous source of amazement and grief to see what I might have looked like at her age without crippling parenting.
"If I didn't know better, I'd think you were adopted!" This became my wished-for fantasy.
"I probably would have divorced your dad if I hadn't gotten (accidentally) pregnant with you."
Ugh, I'd forgotten about being told to wash my red face after a long crying jag. That one, too.

In adulthood:
"I know I wasn't perfect"
"I'm sorry you didn't get the mother you wish you had." But not as sorry as I am.


I think the missing ones are just as hurtful. Here's what I never heard:
I like you
I love you
I adore you
You delight me
I am so thankful I get to have you for a daughter
I love xyz about you. You are so good at xyz.
Can you tell me what you're thinking? I love hearing how you see the world!

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truthseeker4life

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Re: Pd parent phrases
« Reply #21 on: July 23, 2018, 03:47:41 AM »
Another few just remembered

"You like being sick, don't you?"
(She would say this to me as a child when she could see I liked the attention i received when I was sick. This was the only time I was given much attention.)

"I liked you better when you were having problems"
(she said this to me when I was feeling better after coming off a year of severe depression, anxiety and insomnia.)

"Your sister doesn't like you either." (Found out this was a lie - she said this when I was moving out.)

"It's your job to have a relationship with me."
Enough said!

"You're a tramp"
(said because I had a boyfriend who is now my husband)

"You're just like your father."
(said to me after my dad died because I gave her a dirty look after she was being verbally abusive. She was verbally abusive to my dad their whole marriage"

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Some One

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Re: Pd parent phrases
« Reply #22 on: July 24, 2018, 01:09:51 PM »
Some memorable ones were rare but hit hard. From uBPDM "You're jealous of the good relationship your brother and I have". She neglected me emotionally and refused to protect me from B1. As for "good relationship" M went into rages and hit B when he was small and by the time he was a teen the tables had turned and he was hitting her instead. Really good relationship.

My mother said something similar to me once, but not in comparison to my brother in comparison to my enSIL.   She said, "You're just jealous of enSIL, because she feels more comfortable in this family than you do."  Jealous of what?  Jealous of being close to people who are only being nice to me to get a rise out of their daughter, all the while shit talking about me behind my back?  Nope, sorry mom, I would be devastated if I married into that.  This came up because we were talking about enSIL and my mother saw a perfect opportunity to throw a jab at me.  No one thought much of GCBro's decision to marry enSIL, MY MOTHER INCLUDED, but of course when I say something, it must be because I'm jealous...

Other noteworthy ones:
"Did I ever tell you what a disappointment it was to have a daughter like you?" 
"Your stepfather is depressed and you don't see him in therapy."
"I'm not the source of all your problems."
"Whatever problems you have with others lies within you."
"Your father doesn't love you."
"I didn't say that."  "If I said that I don't remember saying that, so I didn't say that." "Why do you keep drudging up the past?"  Or some variation.
"What kind of a daughter...what kind of a person...nobody loves me..."  Third person references.
"If it wasn't for me."
"I won't help you."  "Oh, I didn't say I wouldn't help you, I said I couldn't help you.  You just misunderstood me." 
"I know if I were you in that (hypothetical situation) I would have handled it much differently and since you didn't handle it in the (hypothetical) way I believe I would have you are an idiot/pathetic."

« Last Edit: July 24, 2018, 01:58:51 PM by One »
I will not pretend. 
I will not put on a smile. 
I will not say I'm all right for you,  
~Martha Wainwright.

NC almost 9.5 years with Nmom.  Enjoy the Silence.

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Moxie890

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Re: Pd parent phrases
« Reply #23 on: July 24, 2018, 06:01:49 PM »


I think the missing ones are just as hurtful. Here's what I never heard:
I like you
I love you
I adore you
You delight me
I am so thankful I get to have you for a daughter
I love xyz about you. You are so good at xyz.
Can you tell me what you're thinking? I love hearing how you see the world!

I was always so confused. I was told many of these phrases that were good and I wanted to hear, but then the switch would flip and I would be told abusive hurtful things.

I regularly got "I brought you in to this world, so I can take you out"
When mom was mad she would yell an inch from my face and spit all over me. If I looked mad she would say "just look at your face, your mouth looks like an asshole" (because I would purse my lips).
Like was previously posted, I also got " you think your shit doesn't stick" and "you're not all that"
She would also say "I don't care how old you are, I will still whip your ass" and she did... I was 19 the last time she slapped me.
It's not exactly a phrase, but she would regularly mock me behind my back while I was talking, doing things like mouthing blah blah blah and using her hand like a puppet. I know because I saw her in mirrors several times.
I was also told regularly that I was a tender soul, but with a look of pity in reference to being "too sensitive".
She would also say "I am going to disappear someday and you will all see me on the nightly news because I killed someone" insinuating that we (me, my sis and dad) were driving her crazy. She said it like a joke, but as a young kid in an unstable household, I was afraid she really was going to leave us

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elly87

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Re: Pd parent phrases
« Reply #24 on: July 24, 2018, 06:24:48 PM »
My uBPDmom would often tell me, dripping with sarcasm, "I hope you have a kid like you."  I did, and I loved it and she knew it.

My NPD father always said the same thing. then he would laugh his maniacal laugh, slap his knee and look at my enM and say 'can you imagine? then shes (me) gonna know! she will know all the suffering she caused us! I cant WAIT to see that!'.

I have an amazing daughter who even surpasses me already at her young age in curiosity, questioning, independence, uniqueness. she does her own thing and cannot be forced into a box. She is the light of my life and we are as close as a mother and daughter could be. now he tries to groom her while scapegoating my son. needless to say, we have vlc. My daughter will not be tormented by an NPD person. She has me to protect her!

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coweringRecluse

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Re: Pd parent phrases
« Reply #25 on: July 24, 2018, 06:40:44 PM »
I heard these two:
Quote
"Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about"

"Children should be seen and not heard"

I also heard this a lot:
Quote
"I brought you in to this world, so I can take you out"

What I would add is:
Quote
"You are just too sensitive."

"When I say $#!+, all you say is: Where, How Much & What Color"

"but we love you"

That last one was only uttered by uBPDm.  My F never told me he loved me.  He couldn't even be tricked into saying it in uncomfortable social situations or to end a phone call.  I guess that made him the more honest of the two.  I also think that is why uBPDm said we, meaning her and F, because he wouldn't.  Of course what she meant by love is that what she does is right and I should shut up and take it instead of being such a pain.  I don't think PDs know what love is and that is what many of us, their children, find so devastating.
The more you see of the Herr Kommandant the more you see there are no set rules you can live by, you cannot say to yourself, "If I follow these rules, I will be safe."

Helen Hirsch - Schindler's List

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elly87

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Re: Pd parent phrases
« Reply #26 on: July 25, 2018, 02:56:08 PM »
oh man we grew up with some awful phrases that my narc parents were very proud to use. Im nervous to even type some for fear they may offend anyone on here. My parents are deeply disturbed so please keep that in mind...also extremely hateful racists.
'you will shine that floor like a n*%%#@'s eye'
looking up at the sky theatrically 'lord, why hast thou smotent me with this child?'
'God help you if you don't {insert cleaning task here}'
' when your father gets home hes gonna beat the living crap out of you'
' I cannot WAIT for you to have kids. then you are going to know what suffering is'
'you should thank your lucky stars you have parents who care enough about your report card to smack you when its below an A'
' any n*&&$% can get an 87! why was it not a 90?!' (90 was the cutoff and the lowest acceptable grade)

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Fiasco

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Re: Pd parent phrases
« Reply #27 on: July 26, 2018, 04:47:44 AM »
One I heard a lot, with regards to my adoption, was "I would have taken you even if you were PURPLE!!" Supposedly this showed how non judgemental BPDm was, but really it just showed how desperate she was to get a baby, and how disinterested she was in the actual child.

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Some One

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Re: Pd parent phrases
« Reply #28 on: July 26, 2018, 11:05:57 AM »
oh man we grew up with some awful phrases that my narc parents were very proud to use. Im nervous to even type some for fear they may offend anyone on here. My parents are deeply disturbed so please keep that in mind...also extremely hateful racists.

My whole family is racist.  In particular, my mother, grandfather (her father) and enStepfather.  I would never repeat here some of the crap my grandfather and enStepfather would say.

The best boyfriend I ever had was Jewish.  Treated me better than anyone ever did and stood by me all during my 20's when my mother was at her worst.  His family was incredibly kind and accepting to me; although, the relationship didn't last after about 4 years.  When I broke up with him she told me to "Never do that again! Stick to the Italians and the Irish."  haha.  It was so ridiculous, particularly because my family knows next to nothing about our almost 90% Italian heritage other than to celebrate the 7 fishes.

GCBro married out of his race.  I don't believe he's gotten the "Stick to your own kind" talk from our mother.  Perhaps that's reserved post divorce.
I will not pretend. 
I will not put on a smile. 
I will not say I'm all right for you,  
~Martha Wainwright.

NC almost 9.5 years with Nmom.  Enjoy the Silence.

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11JB68

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Re: Pd parent phrases
« Reply #29 on: July 26, 2018, 02:48:49 PM »
One...your comment:"GCBro married out of his race.  I don't believe he's gotten the "Stick to your own kind" talk from our mother.  Perhaps that's reserved post divorce. "  I have found with all of the pds in my life that their 'rules' are completely arbitrary. The 'rule' is not truly a rule...out totally depends on the circumstance and whether or not it supports their need at the moment.

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Rosey_apple

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Re: Pd parent phrases
« Reply #30 on: July 27, 2018, 03:33:57 AM »
Hello Everyone, Hello KD5FUL,

I can identify with many of the PD phrases written in this post.

KD5FUL - this post came at a good time since lately I have been feeling a bit FOGGY.  But your post and those of the members’ replies have reminded me why I don’t interact with my M and hr GC at present.

As well as remembering all the phrases written here - most of them I heard from my M.  But there were more that I would like to share with you and ask you, did your PD parent say these things to you?  Warning — this is R rated for violence. 

My M repeatedly said these “death wish” phrases to me.  Is it any wonder I have a knife phobia and suffer with anxiety and a spontaneous panic disorder and I am in my late 60s.  A lifetime of this crap.  The reasons why I had so many nightmares when I was a child, and why I always felt “bad” and worthless.

M would say to me

“I wish you had never been born”.
“I should have drowned you at birth.”
“I should have called you “moan-a”.” (Mona)

Whilst swinging a knife in my face and in an explosive and out of control rage she would scream.
She would suddenly swing into these drama filled, red hot rages without provocation and of course no witnesses. :aaauuugh:

“I could murder you right now.”  :evil2:
“I could cut your head off.” :evil2:
“I could run this knife right through you.”  :evil2:
“You’re not worthy of breath.” :evil2:
“I could spit in your eye.”

As a little girl I used to think she could do this.  She didn’t want me from birth and now that I was a 10year old child, she wanted to kill me.  I remember laying awake in bed at night, wondering if I would survive the night.

Is it any wonder I have been scared of her all my life.  And for a lot of it thought I was worthless and not worthy of breath.

Well, she has murdered me emotionally and cut me to my soul.  She has nothing to do with me.  Silent Treatment for no reason for nearly 4 years now.  Isolated, abandoned, killed off.  And my crime - being born at all, worse still, first born and being born a girl and my F loved me to bits.  She hated that.  However I don’t recall being so naughty or difficult that I would insight such hatred in my M.

Thanks to all of you, today I have recalled all this nastiness and am no longer foggy, however, I do feel anxious as I suffer a sever twisting of my throat muscles.

Did they all go to “Horrible Mummy school”?   :stars:  It appears so since we all here have recollections of these terrible phrases spat at us.  I’m sorry these nasty phrases were said to y ou all.  I’m not sure she would get away with saying these things to a child these days, since children are able to reach out to help organisations.  I would have reported her if I knew how.

She scared me with phrases like

“I can read you like a book.”
“I know what you are thinking.”
“You have a vivid imagination.”

Regards. Rosey_apple  :)

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practical

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Re: Pd parent phrases
« Reply #31 on: July 27, 2018, 10:23:10 AM »
One of the really common ones was from F "Your B is just like your mother that's why they get along/fight" (yeah, this was adaptable to whatever the situation  :roll: ) and vice versa from M for me "You are just like your father", both parents considering this as the ultimate insult, while all it really did was speak about how screwed up their marriage was.

I think the missing ones are just as hurtful. Here's what I never heard:
I like you
I love you
I adore you
You delight me
I am so thankful I get to have you for a daughter
I love xyz about you. You are so good at xyz.
Can you tell me what you're thinking? I love hearing how you see the world!
This is so true, thank you! I heard "I love you so much" from M, unfortunately it came with FOG inducing additions "I cannot live without you/you are my sunshine/you are all I have" putting me in the position of parentified child. And there was "you are so good at cooking and baking" often followed with "you have to cater for my party" when what I really should have done was study for exams, be out with friends, instead of being enmeshed with M.
“If I’m not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when I’m only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when?” (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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practical

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Re: Pd parent phrases
« Reply #32 on: July 27, 2018, 01:25:31 PM »
There are also the more subtle ones that slowly eat away at you because they indicate something is wrong with you, you aren't good enough, and make you feel unseen:
"I couldn't work like this, I have to leave the room."
"Well, that is okay the way you did it, BUT the next time you have to do it this way ... (F's way)." "But" is a great word to pull the rug out under you, to negate what was said before.
"Well, now you have to win the Noble prize so I can travel to Stockholm." (M when I graduated.)
Your parent saying "I'm proud of what I have accomplished." when it was really you.

“If I’m not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when I’m only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when?” (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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Danie

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Re: Pd parent phrases
« Reply #33 on: July 27, 2018, 04:02:02 PM »
"They're just jealous".
She thought everyone was jealous of her. She thought she was the most beautiful woman that ever lived. I think she thought she was Marilyn Monroe.

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elly87

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Re: Pd parent phrases
« Reply #34 on: July 27, 2018, 06:43:36 PM »
"They're just jealous".
She thought everyone was jealous of her. She thought she was the most beautiful woman that ever lived. I think she thought she was Marilyn Monroe.

reading this definitely created an aha moment for me. My narc M always said this! She frequently had fights with other women in the neighborhood since she felt she should be included and invited to everything and when she wasnt, she would say some version of this. 'they are just jealous' or 'she wishes she had my life!' to this day, my mother has a problem with the woman next door who happens to be very beautiful, happily married, and has 3 adult children who, unlike my mother's children, want to have something to do with her. My mother literally sneers when she is outside at the same time as her neighbor and mutters hateful things under her breath when in earshot. My mother is approaching 60. I don't think she will ever change this.

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Absent Minded Artist

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Re: Pd parent phrases
« Reply #35 on: July 28, 2018, 12:18:10 AM »
Yes yes and yes.

So glad I'm not alone!!!
"A manipulator makes you fear everyone around you so you don't see the monster right in front of you. They may have tied your blindfold, but you can take it off"
Erin Van Vuren

"Owning our story & loving ourselves through the process is the bravest thing we'll ever do"
Brenè Brown

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logistics

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Re: Pd parent phrases
« Reply #36 on: July 28, 2018, 02:01:43 AM »
My father stated all of those to me as a child.  Once when he had a touching drunk moment he stated, "I never raised a child before make a list of how you want to be treated".  I eagerly made a list of how I wanted to be treated. The next day when I presented him with it "He stated what the h*** is this! Get it out of my face."  Any hope of a relationship was dashed that day.  Never been close to him since.

My father also made a bet with a friend who had much younger children which family would have grandchildren first. The first grandchild would loose the bet.