Children's sleeping arrangements

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Associate of Daniel

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Children's sleeping arrangements
« on: July 22, 2018, 11:17:15 AM »
Following on from WhiteHeron's questioning the sleeping arrangements of her children while they are with her ex...

My ds11 told me tonight that he had slept in the same bed as his 14 year old female step cousin last night.

He had been at his u/npd father and nsmum's place as per the usual weekend arrangement.

They live in a 2 bedroom apartment. Ds has his own room but often shares it with visitors and I assume it would be used by visitors when he's not there.

When I asked him why she hadn't slept on the sofa he said that his Dad had gone to bed later so she couldn't use the sofa.

I am extremely uncomfortable about this and am tempted to bring it up at mediation tomorrow (which is primarily about ds's schooling.)

What are your thoughts about such a sleeping arrangement? And how does one explain to an 11 1/2 year old boy why it's inappropriate?

AOD

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Rose1

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Re: Children's sleeping arrangements
« Reply #1 on: July 22, 2018, 08:39:09 PM »
Bring it up. It's relevant to your exhs attempt to have your son more often. It also shows serious lack of judgement by all including the 14 year old. No way at 14 would I have done that. Rather sleep on the floor.
One if the reasons for your choice of schools I assume is to reinforce your family values. And you certainly wouldn't be happy with more travel time.

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Whiteheron

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Re: Children's sleeping arrangements
« Reply #2 on: July 23, 2018, 10:45:52 AM »
Once puberty starts (can be as early as 11 in boys, according to DS's T), then sleeping arrangements should be separate.
I agree with Rose 1, as a 14 year old, I would have been extremely uncomfortable sleeping in the same bed.

I'd bring it up in mediation. I tell my kids that they're too old to share the same bed, that they're not kids anymore. Just laid it out as a fact, than when they're teen/preteen, they sleep separately. That's just the way it goes.
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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Free2Bme

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Re: Children's sleeping arrangements
« Reply #3 on: August 02, 2018, 08:31:47 PM »
My vote would be, no way in H***.   Understand, this is not a indictment of either of the children. But just the reality of what is developmentally normative at that age. Kids are hormonal, curious, impulsive, lacking judgment, (supposed to be these things) and in an unsupervised environment. They should be in separate rooms for proprieties sake, a no brainer. 

I am a mom of four teens, and sometimes kids need to be protected from themselves.  The primary thing that I would fear in this arrangement is that the kids would do some natural 'experimenting' and end up with a burden of shame, guilt, secrecy that they shouldn't have to bear, i.e., feel dirty.  This could set them up for promiscuity in the future.  It's hard enough to grow up nowadays without added burdens.  Sounds like there needs to be some healthy boundaries being modeled.   Wishing you the best as you navigate this :-)