Apologizing....pointless?

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40andfab

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Apologizing....pointless?
« on: July 25, 2018, 03:07:21 AM »
I am struggling with being shamed for apologizing for my own behavior. Does anyone have this experience?

As I get healthier, I am learning to accept my shadow side, to love and accept myself, but when dealing with PDm I feel like my admission of being somewhat flawed was just fodder for more shame.

In my family, if you admitted you made a mistake...everything was your fault. As a matter of fact, someone had to take the blame for every little friggin mistake. So, we all learned to defend ourselves, constantly passing the blame from one person to another.

As I get older and come Out of the FOG I realize I don't want to live like this so I readily admit if I made a mistake. My only sib who I speak with sees this as a flaw. In his mind, an admission of guilt isn't the best thing.

And my PDm just jumps on any admission as that person taking ALL responsibility. As a matter of fact this is why we cannot have a relationship and why I am NC.

Am I in the wrong here? Is it safe or even okay to admit when we are human? Is it possible to be real?





"The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance" Nathaniel Branden

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truthseeker4life

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Re: Apologizing....pointless?
« Reply #1 on: July 25, 2018, 03:42:50 AM »
Ok 40andfab love your name! I too am 40(something) and fab!

I think people of real character, of emotional maturity, of emotional health make ammends.

Now the next part is knowing WHO is safe to make amends to.

People who shame you, use your apology as fodder to shame you even more are NOT safe people to make ammends with. I think we instinctively know who these people are. (Though our FoO has quieted our trust / no trust instinct - it is still there - listen to it!)

I think with unsafe people it is enough to call ourselves out and say "self - that wasn't cool. I shouldn't say or do that again." And not say or do it again.

With safe people - they will not rub your face in your mistakes. You know who they are.

So we can only be real with safe people. To be real with unsafe people is opening yourself up to abuse. (IMHO)

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Starboard Song

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Re: Apologizing....pointless?
« Reply #2 on: July 25, 2018, 09:40:18 AM »
My wife and I make micro-apologies to each other all the time, a trick our son has adopted. Apologies are casual, and relaxed, and quick. They communicate respect and shared values, not abasement or blame apportionment.

You are making great strides, because it is very hard to overcome childhood patterns, and your family taught you a different approach. I've watched my wife re-learn blame and responsibility. She has learned that you ought to be able to make a mistake without having people pounce on it: most of this stuff just isn't a big deal. And that makes little apologies easy. And that makes the rare, big ones easy too.

It is the making of mountains out of mole hills that is the real problem.

I am proud of you. You see a problem, and change it. You see things in yourself and it sounds like you forgive yourself a little, accept yourself a little, and work on yourself a little. That is downright brave.

You keep up the work and know the answer to your question: being human is the best game in town, and it is absolutely possible to admit it, and be real every day.

 :bighug:

Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

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40andfab

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Re: Apologizing....pointless?
« Reply #3 on: July 25, 2018, 11:59:57 AM »
Truthseeker, you make such a good point! It's about discernment and learning who is safe and trusting ourselves, which is something a lot of us struggle with.

I guess to me part of my healing is to not be so defended around everyone. Part of my PDm's and Nsis' problem is that they see the world in black and white, if you make a mistake it means you are bad.

It just more evidence that having any sort of relationship with them is impossible. It confirms my NC.

After writing this out I see that I still have some work to do with boundaries. Being authentic in a relationship is one of my core values that I am working on. Knowing who to be real with and who to be careful around is a little harder.

Starboard_Song, thank you and yes, you are right, being human is the best game in town. :)


"The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance" Nathaniel Branden

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practical

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Re: Apologizing....pointless?
« Reply #4 on: July 25, 2018, 12:20:59 PM »
Ok 40andfab love your name! I too am 40(something) and fab!

I think people of real character, of emotional maturity, of emotional health make ammends.

Now the next part is knowing WHO is safe to make amends to.

People who shame you, use your apology as fodder to shame you even more are NOT safe people to make ammends with. I think we instinctively know who these people are. (Though our FoO has quieted our trust / no trust instinct - it is still there - listen to it!)

I think with unsafe people it is enough to call ourselves out and say "self - that wasn't cool. I shouldn't say or do that again." And not say or do it again.

With safe people - they will not rub your face in your mistakes. You know who they are.

So we can only be real with safe people. To be real with unsafe people is opening yourself up to abuse. (IMHO)
This is really great.

I guess people who can see they have made a mistake, can apologize themselves, make amends are the ones it is safe to do the same with. People who are infallible, from whom you have never heard "I'm sorry" are not. Maybe a little coarse as a filter, but I think as a rule of thumb it might work.

Being authentic in a relationship is one of my core values that I am working on. Knowing who to be real with and who to be careful around is a little harder.
This was and is one of my key struggles, around the PDs in my life I cannot be authentic. I cannot share about my life, I have to stuff my compassion or any warm, kind impulses, as that will be used against me in some way, at some point. Instead I have to use MC, VLC, and these are not who I am, they are the armor I need around PDs to protect who I am.
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)