I'm back

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Aeon

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I'm back
« on: August 07, 2018, 03:18:11 PM »
I have been a member here for a long time and am grateful that I can come back and use the resources that are available. I left the board several years ago thinking that my UAvPDH (I hope I have that right) was reachable. I thought I was trying to make things better but really, I was looking for a way to make it all go away and give me my earlier life back. I was wrong, so wrong.
I'm ashamed of myself for not taking the advice that I was given 8 years ago.
Oh, well, life goes on in the here and now. I'd like to know if anyone has any mental tricks that they might use to maintain medium chill or at least not be drawn into JADE?
I am very nearly addicted to JADE (this is part of my belief that I can just reason him out of it all, I think) and am having a hard time adjusting to the idea that it is useless to talk things through the way I normally would.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks in advance.

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notrightinthehead

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Re: I'm back
« Reply #1 on: August 07, 2018, 04:30:09 PM »
Well we can only do it in our own time. You do the best you can. Welcome back!
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

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practical

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Re: I'm back
« Reply #2 on: August 07, 2018, 04:48:58 PM »
Welcome back  :wave:

Have you looked at codependence? Also check out Fixer and Rescuer syndrome in the Glossary. The feeling of being a fixer can be quite addictive, of being omnipotent - even if all the evidence says otherwise  :roll: . I at some point reached my frustration threshold, I just couldn't go another round of reasoning with F, I was sooooo exhausted. I finally was ready to accept I wasn't Wonder Woman and had never been. It had all been an illusion fed (=manipulated) by my parents that I could fix things for them and when really they only wanted and needed another actor in their dramas. Letting go was hard because it meant what I had taken for a connection with them, confused with love, wasn't there, there really was nothing there. I think I kind of knew that beforehand and that made me cling even more to my codependence, the whole charade, because the other option seemed even more painful. Having finally accepted it - because even putting my head in the sand got too tiring - I'm better now, but it was painful and still sometimes is. 3C's Rule, "Not my circus not my monkeys" and "Why is a bullshit question" * (Fritz Pearls) were mantras on my way OOTF.

As NRH says, we all go at our own pace. All the best on your journey!

*I used to spend hours ruminating on why F would do something without ever really finding an answer, thinking if I knew the 'why' I could truly fix him.  :sadno:
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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guitarman

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Re: I'm back
« Reply #3 on: August 07, 2018, 08:10:39 PM »
Welcome back.

I follow the teachings of Kris Godinez, Tara Brach and Jack Kornfield on Facebook and YouTube.

I stay calm no matter what happens. I realise that I can't change anyone else's behaviour. I don't get on their emotional rollercoaster with them. I do not feed the abuser's narcissistic supply by getting angry and upset. I talk more about my feelings.

A recent quote I heard is "Be a lighthouse not a lifeboat". It is what I try to be. I used to be the lifeboat being the rescuer and enabler. Now I try to be the lighthouse pointing the way.   

I have found that there is a limit to love. To be involved any more would be too harmful for my own wellbeing, mental health and sanity. I have to take care of myself first as no one else will. I care but can't cope.

Don't be so hard on yourself. We are only human. We may make mistakes or take the wrong path. Life is a teacher and we learn so much about ourselves along the way. There is strength in adversity. There is self knowledge and understanding about ourselves.

I have learnt so much about myself having experienced so much trauma and chaos. I am always learning more about how to cope better.

Mindfulness is key to my recovery and progress. Also sharing with others about what we have all been through. Learning and sharing. Passing on what I have learnt to others, educating people about Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and speaking up about abuse and mental health issues.

Your experiences can help others. Be the change. Be the light that shines in the darkness so that others may follow.

Best wishes

guitarman
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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Aeon

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Re: I'm back
« Reply #4 on: August 08, 2018, 05:39:18 PM »
Thank you Practical and Guitarman. I'll have a look at the subjects in the glossary. I guess it's beginning to look like I need to accept a lot of things that I fought against.
 I am only now coming to the conclusion that I am a grade A rescuer/problem solver and despite how well I've done (not) it is all because the alternative to not fixing it was just too hard to bear.
My parents rejected me no matter what I did and I suppose I didn't want to face that situation again.
Guitarman:"I stay calm no matter what happens." That is my current goal!
I will definitely look into the people that you mentioned. I used to be like that...before this.

I truly appreciate this site and the people on it. The advice that is available here has always made the most sense.  ;D

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Absent Minded Artist

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Re: I'm back
« Reply #5 on: August 09, 2018, 04:50:03 AM »
l care but can't cope.

Holy crap that's the best way I've heard someone explain it. Thank you.
"A manipulator makes you fear everyone around you so you don't see the monster right in front of you. They may have tied your blindfold, but you can take it off"
Erin Van Vuren

"Owning our story & loving ourselves through the process is the bravest thing we'll ever do"
Bren Brown