NC. Healing.

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RoseWater

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NC. Healing.
« on: August 22, 2018, 09:41:05 PM »
NC has been for me a way to digest and process my whole experience as a surviver ( thriver too!) of the horror that was my childhood.
I could not fully heal and truly see the toxic, dangerous and pathological abuse whilst I was still "in", even LC. Even VVLC living far far away.
It was only when I went NC, full radio silence, no JADE-ing, you do not exist NC that I could truly process the abuse, the way they abused. The patterns that have been going on for 3,4 generations.
It has been 5 years..Maybe more, I have stopped counting.

Here is what came up today.
My uNPD/sociopath mum's weapon of choice was gossip, slander, smear, destroy your reputation. Her favourite phrase was "I will destroy you."
Her slander was not high school gossip nonsense, no. She went for the jugular. She would say things that most people would sue for slander, defamation, libel.
The women on the maternal side of my foo all do this. Aunt, grandmothers, sister. They have a very distinct pattern of doing this to anyone in their circle. Family, neighbours, ex lovers, ex husbands, ex friends, children, clients.......

The lies they tell, the slander, smears, propaganda is meant to destabilise, ruin, destroy. They do this with impunity.

The main method of attack in my FOO is this sick twisted narrative hijack. They want to destroy relationships, friendships, jobs, dreams, marriages, connections.... Everything.

Accusations of affairs that never happened, accusations of abuse, embezzlement, drug use, deviance.

My uNPD aunt ( witch, waif, queen) once outed a relative in the most cruel, humiliating and boundary violating way. Same aunt denied the other children of her deceased husband ( from his first wife) their FAIR share of the estate. No one challenged her.

My uNPD mum told people I was on drugs, was assaulted sexually by an ex ( never ever happened) , told police I assaulted her (she assaulted me).

Grandmother tried successfully to have a relative DEPORTED, accused my father of coming on to her, pulling a gun on her. You can not make this up, but they sure did. When confronted with the destructive lies, they deny it every happened. Shocker.
My grandmother now says my father was a great man, of course she says this to anger my mom, her daughter. She forgets that in the early 80's, she nearly destroyed the life of a man with her lies. Never happened she says.

Some of the slanderous stories they make up don't even have kernels of truth, not that it makes it ok, but most of the time, the lies they tell come from some small truth they build on and add to and embellish till it does not even resemble the kernel.
For example, if I got a C in foreign language class in HS,  it gets morphed into I failed HS altogether ( actual lie that was told). How do you explain your lie when it comes to light that I did in fact graduate? She does not seem to factor in that fact that eventually it will come out. Did relatives call her out? No. Silence. Complicity.

She could have ruined my exes life with such slander. Seriously, who does this? Really, what is it that they are hiding from in their own lives that makes them reverse slander people. I know they have loads of secrets, fears, anxieties. They hide so much, they lie about their past.

They don't want anyone sniffing around their lives, they create a war zone of destruction that creates a smoke screen to hide their lies, their double lives, their affairs, forging of documents, stealing, cheating, fake diagnosis, fake pregnancy, financial ruin.......

They are not satiated until they do significant damage.

No contact 5 years going. Breaking the pattern that has been in my FOO for generations.




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Adria

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Re: NC. Healing.
« Reply #1 on: August 23, 2018, 09:56:58 AM »
Eagleeye,

You have put into words exactly what my family does.  I can't imagine the energy it takes to do this. They have destroyed countless lives without a hint of remorse. I think they are even proud of how they honed in on their art of tactics, schemes and lies.  My sister once confided in me that she keeps files on people, so when the time is right she will know exactly what to do to destroy them. Sick! All I can say is they sure will have a lot to think about when they are lying in a nursing home bed someday. I am twenty-five years no contact, and although it has been a lonely life without family, I think I've probably been spared more than I know.

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Starboard Song

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Re: NC. Healing.
« Reply #2 on: August 23, 2018, 10:33:51 AM »
They are not satiated until they do significant damage.

No contact 5 years going. Breaking the pattern that has been in my FOO for generations.

Nothing less is at stake than continued inter-generational damage. I applaud your strength, and hope for continued healing!
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward