I need help bad, please walk me through my triggers

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practical

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Re: I need help bad, please walk me through my triggers
« Reply #20 on: August 13, 2018, 09:32:00 AM »
What an amazing outcome, so relieved the leaders showed openness and were able to admit to their own vulnerability. I'm so happy for you and DD, and proud of you. You showed enormous strength!
“If I’m not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when I’m only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when?” (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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Malini

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Re: I need help bad, please walk me through my triggers
« Reply #21 on: August 13, 2018, 10:28:47 AM »
 :udawoman:

That is amazing Dinah-sore, you're much stronger than you think. So pleased for you and your DD is lucky to have such a brave, loving mom.
"How do you do it?" said night
"How do you wake and shine?"
"I keep it simple." said light
"One day at a time" - Lemn Sissay

'I think it's important to realise that you can miss something, but not want it back' Paul Coelho

'We accept the love we think we deserve' Stephen Chbosky

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Waz

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Re: I need help bad, please walk me through my triggers
« Reply #22 on: August 13, 2018, 10:50:35 AM »
Well done!. Go you 👏

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LSK1999

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Re: I need help bad, please walk me through my triggers
« Reply #23 on: August 13, 2018, 12:37:04 PM »
You are AWESOME and brave, and a fantastic mom. Your daughter is so lucky to have you. This is testimony to the fact that we are so much stronger than we believe we are. Thanks so much for sharing the outcome....it's inspirational. Biggest Hugs and love to you!!  :yourock:

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Medowynd

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Re: I need help bad, please walk me through my triggers
« Reply #24 on: August 13, 2018, 04:11:53 PM »
Dinah you are doing a wonderful job of protecting your daughter.

About 20-25 years ago, my younger daughter attended a Christian camp.  There was a boy that was continuously harassing the girls in my daughter’s group.

These girls asked my daughter why this kid was not harassing her.  My daughter had told him to leave her alone and had been pretty forceful about it.

All these girls responded that had been told not to do what my daughter did.  How heartbreaking was that.  My girls were raised from a very young age, that they did not have accept harassment and to speak out about it.

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daughterofbpd

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Re: I need help bad, please walk me through my triggers
« Reply #25 on: August 13, 2018, 05:08:27 PM »
Hi Dinah,

You did so great. You should be proud of yourself.

One of my first thoughts was wondering if it was your anger that was triggering you more or the fact that you've been in this exact situation? It is almost like you are re-living your experience through your DD in a way? For instance, when my DH looses his patience with our DD, I feel triggered and find myself cowering. It is like I am re-experiencing the trauma of being screamed at by my parent and I feel so helpless - only worse because it is happening to my child and I want to protect her. There's lots of reasons why this would be upsetting (your post gave me chills) but I couldn't help but notice the similarities between this and what happened to you with your in-laws.

Another thought I had was: I am not wanting to criticize your church. I do remember reading in another post you writing something along the lines of wives are encouraged to look to their husbands for leadership...something along those lines...? This makes me think that women are not as respected and makes me worry about the way these youth camp leaders reacted to your DD. However, it could just be a case of ignorance and it sounds like that is all that it was and the conversation you had went really well. I find that a lot of men don't understand the seriousness of sexual harassment. They think they would like to receive that kind of attention, they just don't have the experience of knowing how bad it really feels. That's great that they are open to listening and rectifying the situation.

I agree, most men would be livid and wanting to protect their DD's in this situation and it seems weird that your DH isn't like that. I am wondering if he is having a hard time because this is personal and he has trouble standing up to authority when it is for himself? I am just thinking of how it seems he had trouble standing up to his family for himself and for you so maybe this is triggering to him in that way? Again, just an idea, I could be totally off base. I think it is totally normal for you to feel angry with him. I think it is great and maybe even more empowering for you to stand up for yourself BUT it would be nice if you felt like he had your back. I'm sorry you are dealing with that.

Your DD is very lucky to have you as a mom and you really are a great role model to her. You should be proud.
“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego”
~ Amanda Torroni

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Dinah-sore

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Re: I need help bad, please walk me through my triggers
« Reply #26 on: August 20, 2018, 10:57:28 PM »
Dinah you are doing a wonderful job of protecting your daughter.

About 20-25 years ago, my younger daughter attended a Christian camp.  There was a boy that was continuously harassing the girls in my daughter’s group.

These girls asked my daughter why this kid was not harassing her.  My daughter had told him to leave her alone and had been pretty forceful about it.

All these girls responded that had been told not to do what my daughter did.  How heartbreaking was that.  My girls were raised from a very young age, that they did not have accept harassment and to speak out about it.

Wow, I can totally see that happening. I have seen in the church culture that there is this obligation to be "nice" all the time. I remember listening to a youtube called the gift of fear about a woman who was about to be attacked by a guy hiding in her stairwell outside her appt.  that her gut told her that he was dangerous, but she was afraid to not be nice. And he broke into her house and raped her. He almost killed her, but she then trusted her instincts and got away.

I have felt that same thing. Wanting to be nice to the person who is putting me in danger. It makes me so angry now. I am so blessed to hear that your DD is strong and not afraid to speak up for herself. Hopefully the other girls see that as an example to follow.

Hi Dinah,

You did so great. You should be proud of yourself.

One of my first thoughts was wondering if it was your anger that was triggering you more or the fact that you've been in this exact situation? It is almost like you are re-living your experience through your DD in a way? For instance, when my DH looses his patience with our DD, I feel triggered and find myself cowering. It is like I am re-experiencing the trauma of being screamed at by my parent and I feel so helpless - only worse because it is happening to my child and I want to protect her. There's lots of reasons why this would be upsetting (your post gave me chills) but I couldn't help but notice the similarities between this and what happened to you with your in-laws.

Another thought I had was: I am not wanting to criticize your church. I do remember reading in another post you writing something along the lines of wives are encouraged to look to their husbands for leadership...something along those lines...? This makes me think that women are not as respected and makes me worry about the way these youth camp leaders reacted to your DD. However, it could just be a case of ignorance and it sounds like that is all that it was and the conversation you had went really well. I find that a lot of men don't understand the seriousness of sexual harassment. They think they would like to receive that kind of attention, they just don't have the experience of knowing how bad it really feels. That's great that they are open to listening and rectifying the situation.

I agree, most men would be livid and wanting to protect their DD's in this situation and it seems weird that your DH isn't like that. I am wondering if he is having a hard time because this is personal and he has trouble standing up to authority when it is for himself? I am just thinking of how it seems he had trouble standing up to his family for himself and for you so maybe this is triggering to him in that way? Again, just an idea, I could be totally off base. I think it is totally normal for you to feel angry with him. I think it is great and maybe even more empowering for you to stand up for yourself BUT it would be nice if you felt like he had your back. I'm sorry you are dealing with that.

Your DD is very lucky to have you as a mom and you really are a great role model to her. You should be proud.


Thank you so much for your insight. You brought up a lot of things that I didn't see. You are right. You hit the nail on the head. I don't think it was my anger that triggered me, but my past. Absolutely. I think that triggered an emotional flashback and I felt helpless and powerless all over again. like a child. I was afraid of these young girls as if they were in authority over me, and were going to let me down. It sounds so weird. But I know you guys here can understand. Thank you for pointing that out.

There has been another incident at our church. One adult male had touched the back of a teenage girl as she was on the swings on the playground. The way he had touched her back and waist, his hands lingered on her and she was terrified of him. When his overseer was notified, the overseer just swept it under the rug and said, basically, that she misunderstood. That always sat with me wrong. The same overseer told me once, explaining the situation, when I asked him about it, he said, "My dd got pregnant at a young age. She tried to play it off as if it was rape. But she lied. It was her boyfriend. Sometimes young girls lie." I remember feeling severe anger at all the complexities of what he just revealed in that conversation. But overall, I was thinking that he should not be an overseer of men who work with youth. He doesn't believe the youth, especially girls. And I have been struggling with the view of women in our church. There is probably more of a misogyny in our church than in others. Our preacher teaches about how his wife is the model wife, giving examples of how she serves him food and cleans up after him, and she is not allowed to be on the phone when he gets home from work. How at dinner time she does not sit at the table with the family, but eats standing, so she can refill his plate as he eats. That is not how it works in our home, but that is what is glorified in the pulpit. And it makes it hard because I am trying to heal from abuse that made me a people pleaser, and I never know what is just normal behavior, or where to draw the line. Like with that post about do I need to ask my husband permission to drink a glass of wine. etc.

Thank you also for addressing my husband not stepping up, of his own desire, to step in and protect our DD. I don't know what is normal or not. I think to, this might trigger me, because my own dad whom I love dearly, did not protect me from BPDm growing up. Men in my life have been passive and apathetic when it comes to my stuff. My dad supports me now, but he will not stand up for me to this day when BPDm comes against me. He will only take my side privately afterwards. I kind of understood his problem standing up to his family, because that is his family, he was programmed by them, just like me and BPDm. But I don't know why he won't stand up for his DD in another context. This is his job, not his family. Even if he got reprimanded, which he wouldn't, he has not attachment trauma with this place? it would only make things difficult for him socially. But as a parent, isn't your kid worth that? I don't know. I don't want to be angry with him, and I am not at the moment. I am still a bit confused and all, but I guess I need to not expect him to be a certain way that he isn't going to be. And just do what I think I need to do to be a good parent.

And thank you ALL for your encouraging and cheerful comments. You have no idea how surprised I was by them. It warmed my heart and made me cry. I am speechless and forever grateful for this forum. I cannot tell you how much this meant to me. <3
"I had to accept the fact that, look, this is who I am. I have to be who I am, and all of us have a right to be who we are. And whenever we submit our will, because our will is a gift, our will is given to us, whenever we submit our will to someone else's opinion a part of us dies." --Lauryn Hill

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Cuthberta

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Re: I need help bad, please walk me through my triggers
« Reply #27 on: August 21, 2018, 08:11:51 AM »
 
Quote
Our preacher teaches about how his wife is the model wife, giving examples of how she serves him food and cleans up after him, and she is not allowed to be on the phone when he gets home from work. How at dinner time she does not sit at the table with the family, but eats standing, so she can refill his plate as he eats.

I would not personally stay at a church where this teaching comes from the pulpit. This is not mainstream Christian teaching, but something very different indeed.

I am glad the situation with your d was resolved, but the whole incident struck me as early stage grooming by the young man concerned. I would not stay around to find out what he does next; I would find a church where the minister does not expect their spouse to eat standing up.

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Dinah-sore

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Re: I need help bad, please walk me through my triggers
« Reply #28 on: August 22, 2018, 06:18:04 PM »
Cuthbertha, my DH is employed by the church/school organization. So I am tied to the church by marriage. All of my children's friends are in the youth groups there. Some of the kids there are very sheltered and legalistic. My kids don't really click with those kids, and have deep friendships with the kids they have more in common with.

I used to want to leave the church badly, then when I started to heal, I dealt with a lot of forgiveness of the people there. And yet, at the same time I am coming to see that many of those people are not healthy for me. So I am looking to cultivate friendships with people who are spiritually/emotionally healthy outside of church or maybe from the church/but not like the church.

But as far as changing churches. I can't.

My DH isn't open to that.
"I had to accept the fact that, look, this is who I am. I have to be who I am, and all of us have a right to be who we are. And whenever we submit our will, because our will is a gift, our will is given to us, whenever we submit our will to someone else's opinion a part of us dies." --Lauryn Hill