Mental illness, abuse or both?

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guitarman

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Re: Mental illness, abuse or both?
« Reply #40 on: January 24, 2019, 10:57:56 PM »
My mother is in hospital overnight but is OK. She collapsed in the afternoon in her wheelchair so didn't hurt herself. The A&E doctor thinks that she may have a chest infection. I spoke to my uBPD/uNPD sister on the phone and she started talking to me about how ill she is with a chest infection as well and no one cares. I was in the Resus unit with my mother listening to how ill my sister is!!! My sister didn't visit although she lives near the hospital.

My sister will never change.

Best wishes

guitarman
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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Summer Sun

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Re: Mental illness, abuse or both?
« Reply #41 on: January 24, 2019, 11:18:27 PM »
Guitarman, I am sorry about your Mom!  I hope she recovers okay.  And, sorry about your sis, itís always about her, sadly!  Take care of you too!
"The opposite of Love is not Hate, it's Indifference" - Elie Wiesel

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guitarman

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Re: Mental illness, abuse or both?
« Reply #42 on: January 24, 2019, 11:29:27 PM »
Thanks Summer Sun. I'm sure my mother will get better soon and will be discharged soon as well.

guitarman X
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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guitarman

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Re: Mental illness, abuse or both?
« Reply #43 on: January 26, 2019, 05:16:34 AM »
****May Trigger****

My mother isn't doing as well as I thought. I'm hoping for the best but fearing the worst. She's on a ward now for elderly people. She had a "vacant episode" whilst in A&E on Friday afternoon. They called the crash team who all came running. She had low blood pressure but didn't need CPR. We've been asked to discuss DNR with my siblings.

My mother picked up a bit later and was even drinking a cup of tea that she requested. She drank some of it. She has a UTI and chest infection. She had better colour in her face when I left her but she's not at all well.

I've been informing my uBPD/uNPD sister how our mother is during the day and she was phoning me a few times. She didn't visit.

My sister is very upset. However she was talking about herself and all her problems. She was saying that she should have more care from the family.

Our mother is very ill and all my sister wants to do is tell me how ill SHE is!

I'm so tired and worrying about our mother. She's not eating or drinking nearly enough.

guitarman X
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: Mental illness, abuse or both?
« Reply #44 on: January 27, 2019, 05:12:04 AM »
I'm so sorry, Guitarman, and I hope your mom improves.   :)

A word about your sister - keep her OUT of it.

If she wants to know, SHE can call.  She can visit.  SHE is a big girl  who is actually a grown-ass  woman, and can take care of herself, as well as find out her own information - but just doesn't *want* to, because it takes the attention off her.

Incident  from my life that  was a BIG eye-opener:

My aunt J, unBPD   Didi's younger sister, had been diagnosed with brain cancer that had metastasized  by the time she was diagnosed and, well, that was it. 

She was going to die and not in the very distant future.  She lived with my cousin - her daughter   - who loved her deeply, and made the mistake of crying to Didi that she was losing her mother and just couldn't handle it, couldn't imagine life without her, and what do you think happened next?

Didi had herself hospitalized for all her vague aches and pains and the same  damned things that had been wrong with her for years, and insisted I come NOW.  NOW, NOW, RIGHT NOW - this could be the end of her.   :dramaqueen:

Naaaaaaah - I stayed right here.  I knew *exactly* what the hell was going on.   >:(

I was more interested in supporting the cousin I'd loved as a child, but hadn't seen or spoken to in over 30 years, than Didi's pretend emergency, again, some more, again - and asked her to *please* not update  Didi about her mom - update me instead, and I'd pass it along. 

I didn't pass along a lot of information  - Didi would have had a field-day with it and tried it herself, or gone all psycho about God's judgment and  suicide, being all faux-religious and stuff.   :roll:

My aunt  decided  to lay down on the sofa and not eat or drink, knowing the end was near.   She died  close  to 48 hours later, spending most of that time in a  coma.

My cousin called me, I relayed my condolences and told her I'd call Didi - who'd been discharged from the hospital a few  hours earlier, and this is what happened:

"Mom...I'm so sorry, but aunt J passed away tonight."

"Did I tell you I LOVE my new E-cigarettes!??!?"    :???:

"Mom...did you hear me?  Aunt J died."

"Did  you hear ME??  I LOVE my new E-cigarettes!"   :blink:

We did some chatting about *that* and I asked Didi not to call my cousin, as she had a lot of calls to make, and very little time to arrange a funeral.

You'll never guess what the next call was - Didi telling me she'd called my cousin, so there, neener neener, nanny nanny boo  boo - and nobody will tell her anything about her sister's  death other than she died.   :ninja:

Well, that's what she did.

What did I know?

She died.  I'm very sorry, but that's what happened.   :ninja:

And here's where it gets *really* interesting* - is anybody going to care that *she could be dying right now and nobody knows why, because nobody cares.*         :dramaqueen: :blowup:

I told her she'd have to speak to her doctor  - and she slammed the phone down on me.   :roll:

I tell you this as a cautionary tale and a way to avoid the future presented to you:

Whatever your treatment your mom  gets, your sister will want MORE and BETTER, just like Didi  wanted MORE and  BETTER than my cousin gave my aunt.   :sharkbait:

For the record, my cousin is a carpenter and put a room on her house for her mom, moved her in and loved her to the end, while caring for her as best she could  and caring for her disabled  father, at the same  time - and her DH  lived in another house, with *his* disabled parents!

They love their parents.    I *didn't.*   :P

You love your  sister - you  haven't gotten to the point of, "Fall off a  cliff and see what happens" (indifference) yet - but  you may, very quickly.

After Aunt J  died, every single ache, pain, problem or inconvenience Didi had suddenly went Critical  Mass - she couldn't order her meds!  She couldn't chew her food!    She couldn't clean  baby oil off the floor because she didn't know HOW and she couldn't look up numbers in the phone book  because she just *couldn't* and I HAD to look them up on the internet  for her!   She couldn't keep anything down or in!  The neighbors hated her!   She needed  heeeeeeeeeeeelp - only a help I could  give by  taking care of her like we take care of our pets.    :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh:

HOLY   SHIT   - and NO.  I am very busy.  With things around here.  The usual.  Stuff and things.  Life, the universe and everything.  What are you, my parole officer?  :ninja: :evil2: :bigwink:

I started becoming *very* scarce - hard to get hold of.  Let the machine pick up.   Did nothing.

She thought she was  getting a hospital bed in our living room and she was wrong.

You want to avoid all that drama, chaos and flair-ups of your  own health  issues?

Stop telling her *anything*  about your mother.  She doesn't CARE.  She wants to use it and make it about her, so you can build her a great big  living shrine, where it's all about her and you keep her alive by thimble-feeding  her the purest of soups, cooked by virgins in the highest  of dead volcanoes in the Andes, brought to her on the backs of hummingbirds, or some such damned fool thing.   :roll:

STOP   GIVING HER ANY  INFORMATION.  AT  ALL.  PERIOD.  :yes:

If she wants it, she can get it herself - YOU don't have to feed her internal drama, and be the recipient of the aftermath.

Stop calling - and if she calls you for updates, everything is fine, well, going along, progress  good, should be okay, it's all good; not sure when your mom is going home, but  hopefully soon.

Keep  it as *low key* as possible  - no details,  nothing.

But I bet she won't  call, at all  - Didi only freaked out after she was *fed information she could use against me.*

And I made a  very conscious decision  my life was *mine.*  8-)

You may have to do the same  - always choose  yourself.

You know what you're getting.  8-)

Your sister will find  others.     That's what she's good at and that's what  she does - and it doesn't have to involve you.

Save  yourself *first.*  Put on *your* oxygen mask.* 

And do what's best for you - *not your sister, who won't *care* and constantly demand *more.*

 :hug:

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guitarman

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Re: Mental illness, abuse or both?
« Reply #45 on: January 27, 2019, 09:03:35 AM »
Thanks. I know you've been through so much yourself. It's good to know others have been through similar incidents. We are not alone. It's good to share.

My mother was so much better yesterday on Saturday. It's Sunday morning now and I'll visit the hospital this afternoon. My adult niece, my sister's daughter, is with my mother now. A cousin is on the way over as well.

My niece FaceTimed me so I could see and talk to my mother in her hospital bed. My mother wouldn't eat breakfast but perhaps she'll perk up later and eat something. I hope so. She's talking and alert so that's all good.

My niece stayed with my sister overnight. Apparently her mother asked her if she should continue taking her antibiotics for her chest infection. Of course she should! She complains that she doesn't get antibiotics and really needs them then when she gets them she doesn't always finish the course. It doesn't make sense. Then she wonders why she's still ill.

I ended the conversation quickly the last time my sister called me yesterday. Rather than listen to all her problems I said that I have other things on my mind. She's not called back. I'll keep it all brief if she calls again. As you say she's quite capable of calling the hospital herself. She's already done it on Thursday.

We should all be supporting each other more in the family at this time. My other siblings do. They don't talk about all their own problems. I think we talk about my sister too much when we should be talking about our mother.

As you've said before I need to drop the rope. I've come a long way but still have more to do. I really don't want anything more to do with my sister. It's all too painful for me and I can't cope with her. I can't change her. It's up to me how much she is in my life. I'm the one in control of that, not my sister. I'm quite happy never to see her again.

Best wishes

guitarman X
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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Summer Sun

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Re: Mental illness, abuse or both?
« Reply #46 on: January 27, 2019, 12:23:27 PM »
Guitarman, I hope your Mom recovers, things sound to be prgresseing well.  How lovely for her to have your and your family support.

I do agree your sister is capable of getting information on your Mom herself.  You are just too busy.  Put up a boundary, let her know sheís a big girl and capable and you have too much kn your plate.  Donít answer the phone if you know itís her.

Your closing paragraph reminded me of me, the last appointment I had with my psychologist.  He said to me, ďyou know, you donít have to do this if it is too painful for you.  You can take a break from your B for 6 months, 9 months, a year, see how you feel.  Maybe a lifetime.Ē  Youíve  indicated you donít want anything to do with your sis, that it is too painful for you, that you cannot cope.  Guitarman, it is okay to give yourself permission to go NC.  I too could not cope anymore.  It was impacting my own mental health and well being.  I chose me. 

In my codependent state, I always thought, family first.  Love, forgive, do, care.  It works well for PDís who are indifferent, critical, receiving, taking.  Someone on this site once wrote or quoted something about refusing to cross oceans any longer for those who canít bother to jump a puddle for me.  Click.  Lightbulb moment. 

Hugs,

Summer Sun
"The opposite of Love is not Hate, it's Indifference" - Elie Wiesel

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guitarman

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Re: Mental illness, abuse or both?
« Reply #47 on: January 28, 2019, 01:56:37 AM »
My mother is getting stronger each day. She's been eating most of her meals. It takes a long time to feed her but I don't mind at all. So long as she is eating and drinking. There have been a few set backs but she looks so much better than a few days ago when I didn't think she was going to survive. She still has a long way to progress and isn't out of danger yet. She's still very elderly and frail. That's not going to change.

My sister still hasn't visited. When she rang me I could hear that she had a bad chest. I can never believe how ill she is any more from her exaggerating her symptoms and waif like behaviour in the past.

If you thought that your mother was dying wouldn't you do everything you could to try and see her one last time? To be with her, to comfort her, to see that she was not in pain? Most caring, loving people would. You would put aside your own problems and visit, wouldn't you?

I don't mean if your mother was toxic and dangerous to be with or if there was no relationship. Then it would be wise to stay away and send best wishes from afar. My mother isn't like that at all. She's so caring, kind and loving to everyone. It's my sister who is the toxic one.

My sister said to me that she thinks that she is so ill that she should be in hospital. Yes visiting your potentially dying mother!

This has just showed me how she really is. I could fill in the blanks with expletives but I won't. She only cares about herself. She doesn't care about anyone else. She just can't do it. That's the truth after all these years I've finally realised. She can give all the excuses. I can give all the excuses for her behaviour but when it matters she can't be bothered. There's the truth. Penny dropped.

It's best that she doesn't come she'd only upset me if I saw her. She'd only upset our mother too doing her performance caring act and fussing over her.

It's 4.45am and I haven't slept yet. I need to sleep to be ready for the visit to the hospital.

guitarman X
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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nanotech

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Re: Mental illness, abuse or both?
« Reply #48 on: January 29, 2019, 07:07:05 PM »
Iím so glad your mum is improving guitarman. Iím sending you kind thoughts and imagining you in a bubble of protection, so your sis canít hurt you hun.
I agree about your not needing to inform your sister of anything.  Non contact would free you but if you canít do that yet maybe  try low low contact. Slowly distancing yourself will mean your sis will have to take responsibility for finding out how your mum is. Keep yourself in that bubble. Youíve done so well already with all you have to deal with.  Take care and good luck with the distancing. You deserve not to have this in your life.

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: Mental illness, abuse or both?
« Reply #49 on: January 30, 2019, 04:10:54 AM »
This has just showed me how she really is. I could fill in the blanks with expletives but I won't. She only cares about herself. She doesn't care about anyone else. She just can't do it. That's the truth after all these years I've finally realised. She can give all the excuses. I can give all the excuses for her behaviour but when it matters she can't be bothered. There's the truth. Penny dropped.

That's the ugly truth, and you've finally realized it.

Your sister just doesn't give a damn about anybody but herself.

She can say she "loves" you - but only as a means to an end.  I don't think she can really mean it, because I don't think she actually knows what love is, just like unBPD Didi.

For Didi, love was always conditional, because it was a *transaction* - you give, I get.  I complain, you give more.  I complain even louder, and you'll twist yourself into knots, trying to figure out what's wrong, and I'll make you guess, and wail, cry and scream that you don't love me if you guess wrong.  You still don't give me what I want, I threaten to kill myself.

That's not a relationship - that's insanity!   >:(

I walked around with a knot in my stomach for a week, once I realized my own mother didn't love me - she saw me as a THING.  A tool to use and discard, if I didn't perform my job, only to be snatched up again and worked even *harder*  to fill the black hole of need inside her.

That's what your sister really is - a black hole of endless need she expects *somebody else to figure out FOR her.*   :stars:

It's always an intangible, unknowable something that she needs - and if you figure it out, she'll find fault with it five minutes later and wail that you don't love her - then it's on to the quest  for the next intangible, unknowable *something* that will make her life complete.

That' s not only insane - it's *impossible.*

I learned this on another thread, and I was *very* glad to hear it, because I never knew what the term Borderline Personality actually represented.

Borderline of *what*, I used to wonder.

It's  Borderline Psychotic. (Thank you, Pseudonym, for solving the mystery!)

When I read that I went quiet and said, "Oh.  That explains a lot.  That explains *everything.*"   :jawdrop:

That's what you're dealing with - somebody who has behavior that borders on psychotic.

You can't deal with that.  You're not a professional.  You're not a psychiatrist or a T - you're a mortal man, who'd just like to live his fucking life in peace, and you'll never make sense of the mess in her head, let alone appease it, or make it happy for more than five minutes, before it turns on you, starts coughing, complaining about her lungs, or this or that, and telling you she's bought something expensive for herself  or has signed up for a gym, but has no money for rent or her cleaner, and will have to eat jam for dinner for the next month.

What *isn't* borderline psychotic about any of that?   :blink:

Yes - she is mentally ill.  But she's extremely cruel, corrosive, abusive, manipulative, and thinks nothing of hurting others and smirking about it.  It gives her *pleasure* to see you hurt, or in pain.  >:(

Please *bow out* of updating her on anything, ASAP.   Don't do a slow fade - IME, it  goes *terribly* because her biggest fear is abandonment - just don't call.  Become unavailable.  You're *busy* - and if she wants updates, she'll have to call somebody else or the hospital.

*She does not care.*   She'll claim to care, but she doesn't.  It's always back to The MEEEEEEE Show.   :dramaqueen: :violin:

Don't expect her to show up at the hospital - she's not capable.  She doesn't have it in her to show common concern for her own mother, when everything is about *her.*

You?  Her kids?  Your mom?  You're all FODDER for her.   She'll chew you up, spit you out, and complain the bones have nothing left to give her, once she's sucked the marrow out.

That's the ugly truth of your sister.

It was the ugly truth of Didi.

She just doesn't care because she can't - and just because you *can*  doesn't mean you *should.*

If you don't have a journal, I'd recommend opening Word  and just  start  screaming every single obscenity or angry thought you've had  -  it's a good place to put your thoughts.  :)

Nobody will  judge you, nobody cares about your grammar or spelling, you'll get your anger out of your head and onto a page, and it's for  YOU -  say anything you want and the world won't end.   :woohoo:

Sometimes if you speak your truth, you  start to see ways to make it happen - even if you're speaking to yourself.   :yes:

You hold the key to  your own cell, just like I did  with Didi, and  didn't realize I'd had it all  along.

You are allowed to say, "No.  Contact with her is toxic.  I can't do it."

Your  sister *is* toxic.   Having nothing to do with her is in  *your* best interest.   :)

It's time for you to think about  YOU, and where you'd like to be in five, ten years.

It's possible - and I'm living proof.   :heythere:

Once you start putting the puzzle pieces together and they make NO sense - it's time to let Team Authorities  take over.

If your sister won't avail herself of them, it's on her  -  not you.

Look after  yourself first.  The rest comes later. 

You didn't cause it, you  can't control it, and you can't cure it.

 :hug:

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guitarman

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Re: Mental illness, abuse or both?
« Reply #50 on: January 30, 2019, 01:40:40 PM »
My mother is very sleepy today. She's had some lunch. I'm sitting opposite her now. She's sleeping in an armchair. Two physiotherapists have helped to walk her a very short distance but it was hard work for her.

My sister called me last night. It was the nice sister. I was so surprised. I couldn't believe how nice she was. I mustn't be taken in by her charm. She'll soon turn nasty and abusive again. She said she has a chest infection and didn't want to spread it around the hospital. That's why she didn't visit.

Thanks nanotech and WomanInterrupted. You both make a lot of sense as ever.

I have conversations with my sister when she's not around. I say all the things I need to say to her but don't say it in person to her. There's no point.

A few days ago I didn't respond to her much when she rang. She said that it's not very adult of me. I said that I was listening to her.

I don't call her, only in an emergency. She's been calling the hospital for updates.

guitarman X
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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guitarman

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Re: Mental illness, abuse or both?
« Reply #51 on: January 31, 2019, 12:09:01 PM »
I'm in the hospital visiting my mother. My sister called me and she wants money for her heating bill and more care from the family. She pushed all my buttons. I almost shouted at her. I'm so stressed out with our mother. I was trying to spoon feed her when she called.

We are trying to sort out a possible care home for her. My sister said that she's not being included in the family decisions. I just told her all the options we are considering. So I included her. We've not made any decisions yet. Whatever we decide she won't agree with unless she's made the decision.

It's mayhem here with many people shouting out, not my mother, she's quiet. Once one of them starts it sets others off and they join in.

I shouldn't have answered my sister's call. I didn't when she rang back. It seems she just wants to score points and win a war, doing whatever she thinks is best.

guitarman X
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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guitarman

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Re: Mental illness, abuse or both?
« Reply #52 on: January 31, 2019, 04:45:25 PM »
My sister rang me again. I stupidly talked to her. She sarcastically asked me if I had calmed down because the last time I dared to confront her. I dared to say that she wasn't being very adult. It's what she said to me when I wouldn't talk to her before. I told her that I wasn't talking I was listening then.

So I repeated back what she had said to me about not being adult and she didn't like it.

I gave her brief information about our mother saying that she's eating well and don't know when she's going to be discharged.

I have visions of her coming to the hospital and publicly loudly admonishing and humiliating me. I'll call for security if she does but she won't come.

The things I imagine and expect might happen are amazing. Anticipatory dread and hyper vigilance as ever.

So I've kept calm and didn't engage much with her. Grey Rock and a Medium Chill.

Our frail elderly mother has been so ill. I don't need to be worrying about my sister at this time.

guitarman X
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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goodgirl

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Re: Mental illness, abuse or both?
« Reply #53 on: January 31, 2019, 06:05:45 PM »
Oh guitarman, I've been following along but haven't had time to add my encouragement to you till now. Basically, just reread everything WomanInterrupted says because it's all gold. DON'T pick up the phone when your sister calls. Just don't. Drop that rope. You need all your energy for your mom and for yourself.  In fact, tell your sister that you are strong enough to handle everything anymore, so she needs to contact someone else for information--and let her kids and the rest of the family know you told her. Then use your strength for Mom and you.

Sending you (((((hugs))))). I've spent the last two months handling my dad's estate, moving my mom cross-country to live nearby, handling her hospitalization for pneumonia, and 9,000 other issues. My nBro is involved but, thankfully, he keeps his distance because he doesn't want to actually take any responsibility. So while in many ways I have it easier than you, I do totally understand the emotional and physical strain you're dealing with. Be well, sir!

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guitarman

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Re: Mental illness, abuse or both?
« Reply #54 on: February 10, 2019, 09:37:46 AM »
Thank you everyone for your comments and support.

My elderly frail mother has been in hospital for nearly two weeks diagnosed with pneumonia, UTI and constipation. She came home one night then she was readmitted as she couldn't get up out of bed. She's still not got up out of bed so the night in hospital didn't achieve anything.

She's home now and I'm caring for her with the help of two carers who visit four times a day to wash and change her. They will try and get her up.

Unfortunately my mother sometimes often refuses to eat and drink. She spits water out. It's very stressful for me. I'm watching every mouthful that she takes. This morning she had half a mug of cocoa, some water and a cup of tea so maybe she's getting a bit better. She's not taken any medication for two days. She's alert and sitting up in bed.

My uBPD/UNPD sister hasn't visited her but I don't want her to if she's going to be abusive to me. She would behave herself in front of the carers. She would do her performance caring act and start telling them all her intimate problems and how ill she is. She would try and get them to be her best friends. Apparently she's not been physically well. She's not phoned recently either.

I'm so worried about my mother. If she's not drinking she'll have to go back to hospital. I don't have the capacity to worry about my sister as well, even though I think about her all the time.

Best wishes

guitarman
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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Summer Sun

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Re: Mental illness, abuse or both?
« Reply #55 on: February 10, 2019, 11:45:51 AM »
Guitarman, sorry your mom is still unwell.  This has been such a stressful time for you.  It is worrisome to watch an aging parent struggle or suffer through illness.

 You are doing all you can do.  You cannot force her to eat or drink.  Perhaps an IV is required, is the care team medically equipped to handle if so?

It sounds like your sister is robbing you of the mental and emotional energy necessary to care for your mom, and yourself as you mention you are thinking of her all the time.  Guitarman, what are you doing for yourself?  Any self care, support, breaks for restoration?  Do you have a T to share your fears and sister situation with?  These kinds of life altering events (potential parental loss) can become overwhelming and all consuming, so I hope you are able to tend to your own mask.  Are your other siblings able to share in the care?

Wishing you support, relief, an easing of stress and the leCe you so deserve.

Summer Sun
"The opposite of Love is not Hate, it's Indifference" - Elie Wiesel

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guitarman

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Re: Mental illness, abuse or both?
« Reply #56 on: February 14, 2019, 11:31:07 PM »
Thanks Summer Sun for your reply.

Just a quick update as I'm very tired. My mother is now in a rehabilitation hospital for maybe a few weeks. Hopefully she will recover to how she was a few weeks ago before she was taken ill and went to another hospital. She's improving gradually.

Best wishes

guitarman
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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Yael924

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Re: Mental illness, abuse or both?
« Reply #57 on: February 16, 2019, 12:05:19 AM »
This reads like the best possible outcome to get her drinking again (which then helps solve the constipation problem which then allows her body to have room for the food)

I've been reading along, and wanted to share a thought.

When we are given the safety talk on an airplane, the attendant always says in case of loss of cabin pressure, apply your own oxygen mask first.

Because if you collapse now, Guitarman, you will be unable to care for the loving members of your family.

Hang in there.
  :cool2:

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guitarman

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Re: Mental illness, abuse or both?
« Reply #58 on: February 17, 2019, 08:19:21 PM »
My uBPD/uNPD sister called me today. I've not heard from her for a few days.

She asked me how our mother was. She's not seen her for over three weeks. She said that she's got her chest infection from her.

I updated her about how ill our mother is in hospital. Then she started talking about herself for ten minutes. She wanted £200 to pay to get her laptop fixed, which she says she can't function properly without. I told her to contact our siblings or her daughter. I told her that I couldn't give it to her.

She continued to talk about all her problems and how she finds it so hard to survive. I just listened, which she doesn't like. She wants me to talk to her.

I've visited our mother today. She drank a drink and ate but not as much as she should. She was alert and talking so that's good. It's going to take a long time for her to recover to how she was before she became ill, if she ever does at all.

It would be nice to have my sister's support through all this turmoil but that will never happen and she's the one who would be needing support.

guitarman
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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guitarman

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Re: Mental illness, abuse or both?
« Reply #59 on: February 18, 2019, 03:34:20 PM »
Just as I was leaving today for the hospital to visit my mother my uBPD/uNPD was at the door. She wanted £200 to fix her broken laptop. I didn't give any money to her I was rushing to get to the hospital.

She said that she'll be back this evening or tomorrow. I said I couldn't give her any money.

I didn't let her in as I was going out. The hospital rang me earlier to ask if I could visit as my mother was refusing food. They were concerned about her. I was on my way there anyway.

I was able to feed my mother some dinner in the evening and she had a fortified drink as well. I'm pleased with what's she's had today but it's not enough. She's been alert and talking but has been in bed all day.

guitarman
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author