Finally had enough

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Aerie

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Finally had enough
« on: August 15, 2018, 08:57:08 PM »
Hi,

I'm new to the concept of DONM and have been reading everything I can find on the topic. Much like all of you who are adult children of a narcissistic parent, this information has been like a giant light bulb suddenly going off in my brain. All these years, I've struggled with finding the words to describe what my mother does, how she makes me feel, and why no one else (except my dad and husband) could ever see it. Even they could never put a label on it, or help me summarize what was happening. My dad always just called her "the crazy lady", and did his best to give me as close to a normal parenting relationship as he could, given his own issues. I have a brother, who is the GC, clearly codependent, enabling, and I'm beginning to see has his own narcissistic tendencies, including troubling signs of misogyny.

I started a Penzu private journal, as recommended by the author of a book I read on this topic, and it's definitely helped with the awareness and recognition stages of recovery. Unfortunately, I have trust issues, so discussing this stuff with my closest friends is not possible for me. My dad and husband are supportive, but again- have been victims of it themselves. My parents divorced several years ago, dad escaped 1400 miles away, and husband has his own set of narcissistic family members (mother & sister).  I'm seeing a therapist specifically to get help with being a DONM later this week, and am hopeful that he will have useful advice on how to deal with a NM. Unfortunately, NC is not an option, as she lives 5 miles away, so LC will be the best I can do.

I'm looking forward to finding support on this forum, learning how to recover, deal, and grow from the mess of being a DONM. I also want to make sure I stop the cycle of madness in my family, and not infect or expose my own precious children with this disorder.


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Summer Sun

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Re: Finally had enough
« Reply #1 on: August 15, 2018, 11:18:39 PM »
Welcome to OOTF Aerie, although Iím sorry for all the pain youíve endured that brings you here.  Know you are not alone.  Many of us here are DONM or have other PD relationships we struggle with.

It sounds like the lightbulb has gone on in terms of defining (as best we can) what you have been dealing with.  Knowledge is power,  encourage you to spend time reading the traits, behaviors and more importantly, the toolbox which offers great insight for dealing with our PDís more effectively. 

Good for you for your determination to,protect your children and end the cycle of madness as you refer to it!  Wishing you strength, courage, wisdom and support for the journey! 

Summer Sun
"The opposite of Love is not Hate, it's Indifference" - Elie Wiesel

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Starboard Song

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Re: Finally had enough
« Reply #2 on: August 16, 2018, 07:59:29 AM »
Welcome, Aerie!

Your self-awareness and determination are so important. I watch my wife battle with these issues and have a sense of the enormity of it.

Knowing you are not alone, and that there are tactics for managing the relationship, just knowing this is a help. In case it is necessary, I want you to know NC from 5 miles away is possible: I got the T-shirt.

Good luck to you. Welcome to this community. I hope you can soon begin to heal.
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

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treesgrowslowly

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Re: Finally had enough
« Reply #3 on: August 16, 2018, 11:59:18 AM »
Hello,

I am new here as well. I had to google DONM because that is a new acronym. I realized I am a DONM quite a few years ago. I could talk for days about it, but I will stop myself from writing a looooong post since those can be hard to read through.

I will say that those who have been DONM all seem to have a lot in common with what we experienced. The books I've read, I suspect are the ones you've found as well, all rang bells for me as well. Finally, someone described what I was experiencing with her.

Finding out what pace of recovery works for you is part and parcel of your healing because in finding out what works for you, you are recovering a way of being in the world that Narc mothers do not ever provide to their daughters. You are not just learning that you like x amount of social time before taking an afternoon to be alone to read a book (or you like walks more than runs through the park, or what ever), you are teaching your brain to nourish itself, after a lifetime of having your time and energy hijacked by a Narc mother.

The glue that held me to my Narcissistic mother did not dissolve by being hacked at directly. The glue kinda dissolved while I was focusing on my own goals and spending time on things that did not include her. I thought that figuring out what to do with her was the journey...

But the harder part for me has been living without the emotional support that I just didn't get from her. That, by far, is the bigger challenge for me, than dealing with her.

The NM made us do what worked for her, and our recovery is about learning what works for us. For me, this triggered a stage of questioning myself as a narcissistic person, because I was so  uncomfortable with doing what works for me. After being raised by a Narcissist, one does not have a good handle on what is healthy self-care and what is selfish. The Narc mother distorted that in her favour, and as I have peeled away the layers of this work over the years, I always come back to understanding how this is about me learning what my needs are, and what works for me.

Grieving the absence of maternal love has been tough. However, I never regret learning about being a DONM because grieving is active, is living, and being a DONM made me so numb, that grieving even though it is hard and painful, it is better than going through life in a numb state just to cope.

This journey brings many nourishing moments where our body recovers and we feel nourished in ways that we need in order to thrive in our lives.

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Aerie

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Re: Finally had enough
« Reply #4 on: August 23, 2018, 09:37:35 PM »
Forgot to come back here and thank you for the replies!