Creeped out and disheartened

  • 7 Replies
  • 1215 Views
*

moglow

  • Retired Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 15808
  • >^..^<
Creeped out and disheartened
« on: August 15, 2018, 04:30:42 PM »
I called mommie dearest last night, just a friendly "hey I was thinking of you" call.  I know we all get frustrated with (and Lord knows I've complained about!) the load of negative and nasty we usually get, but be warned: suddenly *not* getting what you're used to is creepy.

Mother wasn't perky and chirpy, but she was approachable. Coherent. Not snarling or negative. Not ranting on any subject. It's so totally unlike her norm and what I've seen fairly consistently for the past few years. I can't help but wonder who's in her crosshairs or what fresh hell is about to hit the oscillating object. Honestly, this is more unsettling than the random temper tantrums. Those, I know what to do with. This, makes my skin crawl.

So, the disheartened part - one of my nephews got engaged a few weeks back. Brother #3 and his family went to the islands, and his son/my nephewproposed on the trip. I found out via fb when his sisters posted pictures. I sent him birthday greetings and a congrats in one.

Bro #3 and his wife haven't said a word about that or anything else, not for a while. Mother went on and on about the proposal, how nephew had it all planned ahead of time, their trip, all the pictures they took. They've already set the date and told her to put it on her calendar etc etc. And not one word to me or as far as I know either of our two brothers.

I know. This is mother playing divide and conquer, and it's worked/ working. She either made up all those details (not entirely unlikely) or they have shared with her and really have cut us completely out. We don't pander to mother anymore, don't visit and make or accept excuses for her treatment of people, don't listen to or share her gossip - and brother #3 and his family do. He very rarely reaches out to me first and I only get brief responses from him.

What I *do* get from him and his family are attempts at guilt tripping me into being her doormat again, snide implications that I'm not doing right by her, that I somehow owe her. They have the advantage of being several states away, thus have assumed golden child status. And they soak in all her many complaints and accusations.

Just grousing here. It galls me and hurts my heart, knowing she's suckered them in and cut us off in one fell swoop. I can only hope she'll make a visit there and decide to stay permanently.
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

*

LSK1999

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 475
Re: Creeped out and disheartened
« Reply #1 on: August 15, 2018, 05:31:18 PM »
I am sorry you are going through this, it just sucks. I often wonder what it would be like to have a mother that actually wanted their children to be close and care for one another  :stars: I know as a parent I want nothing more than my 2 daughters to be close and be there for each other to share life's experiences together. I will never understand the need to divide and conquer and it took me a long time to accept the truth that this is actually what this woman called my mother was doing. Your clear and concise and in the reality of it, it doesn't make it any easier some days though. I truly feel for you with the guilt tripping by other family members too, I have dealt with this way too often. My NM has cancer so I have to wield the "but she may not be here much longer" and all those types of comments. I want to yell "OH YOUR RIGHT, LET ME GET ABUSED AS MUCH AS I CAN THEN FIRST!" It is so eternally frustrating. So dysfunctional so wrong, yet so many family members in denial of it all. Best wishes to you with this new frustrating situation, it never ends does it?  :doh:

*

all4peace

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 8111
Re: Creeped out and disheartened
« Reply #2 on: August 15, 2018, 06:58:50 PM »
I know that feeling. Right now  uBPD/N MIL is acting normally, which always makes me feel tense. It's the unpredictability and inconsistency that gets to a person. We know that the normal isn't going to last.

I am sorry for the rest of it. It never stops hurting to feel cut out.

*

daughter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 4568
Re: Creeped out and disheartened
« Reply #3 on: August 16, 2018, 10:42:06 AM »
You note she was "approachable" in this call.  I'll note that she had information to "lord over you" (the engagement) and so she "made nice" to deliver that sucker-punch.

*

moglow

  • Retired Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 15808
  • >^..^<
Re: Creeped out and disheartened
« Reply #4 on: August 16, 2018, 11:57:28 PM »
That crossed my mind too, daughter, and I wouldn't doubt that has something to do with it. I didn't let on one way or the other, just played along. I learned years ago how she loves to gaff people in a weak spot. Something was definitely up, for her to be nice after so many snarling phone calls and messages for so long.
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

*

WomanInterrupted

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 3919
  • "They can't eat you" - Greg Proops
Re: Creeped out and disheartened
« Reply #5 on: August 17, 2018, 02:59:54 AM »
Yes, it IS creepy as hell - and when your hackles are up or Spidey Sense is going off, you're wise to listen to it - something is up, and I think you answered your own question as to what might be wrong.

She's going to be invited to the wedding.  HOW will she get there?

Why, that would be YOU.   :aaauuugh:

And who will take care of her, see to all her needs, drive around with her, take her to have her hair done and make sure she eats, takes all her meds, and try to act as a human antidepressant?

YOU!   :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh:

I'm pretty sure that's the not-so-transparent plan. 

I think she expects you to be her plus-one, where  you'll have no choice but to endure non-stop abuse - that PHONE!  Oh, that PHONE!  And THE PHONE, again, some more, again, some more, gain, some more, for the fifty billionth time!   :pissed:

I'd start planting seeds now - work is getting busier and busier, it's nice to know you've got job security, with all the work coming in, you *love* how busy it is - you get the idea.  Kernels.  Bread crumbs.

Or, you could just rip off the Band Aid and tell her the truth:  "Mom, if you think I'm going to take you to the wedding, you're mistaken.  You'll have to make other arrangements."

Watch how fast she goes back to being nasty.   :roll:
 
And you don't get an invite - but will somehow be expected to send a gift.  :sadno:

Send a *card* instead, wishing the happy couple well - and stay out of that Dysfunctional Dance of Disaster.   :thumbup:

 :hug:

*

blacksheep7

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1044
Re: Creeped out and disheartened
« Reply #6 on: August 17, 2018, 01:03:57 PM »
I'm sorry Moglow.  I know how it feels to have a NM that divides and conquers.  :evil2:

 :hug:

I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear.

*

practical

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 7041
Re: Creeped out and disheartened
« Reply #7 on: August 17, 2018, 03:05:33 PM »
I'm with daughter, she was showing off how she is right now the center of attention :dramaqueen:  and also how one treats ones mother right (like B#3) so you got an indirect lecture combined with a punch. The family dysfunction can take on so many shades or black, this was another one. Sorry!

As for any guilt trips from B#3 and his FOC "Oh, I'm so happy you get along with her. You know she hasn't been so well lately, so why don't you move her up to where you live?"  :ninja: "Have to go now, the dog is on fire  :rundog: ."
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)