10-year old daughter has fleas...help me cope!

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strong4myself

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10-year old daughter has fleas...help me cope!
« on: August 19, 2018, 03:44:29 AM »
Any ideas how to help me cope with my 10-year old who has such a case of the fleas from Ndad? She sees him about 40% of the time. Transitions are rough. She can be verbally and physically violent.. she pushes my buttons like crazy and it is *so* challenging to remain calm and not respond!  I'm working on solidifying boundaries and rules, but she tries very hard to manipulate her way out of consequences and revocations of privileges (i.e.- watching tv and playing on the computer). It's like she becomes him! The raging, threats, intimidation and coercion are just the same-- only coming from a 10-year old. Needless to say, he has no boundaries, no rules, and is the complete permissive, Disneyland dad. She gets anything and everything she wants, financed by her aunt and grandma who are the N's enabling flying monkeys. So when she hears 'no' from me, it really hits her hard. The volcano erupts and erupts. Your advice would be so welcome! I need to figure out how to cope with this.

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Rose1

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Re: 10-year old daughter has fleas...help me cope!
« Reply #1 on: August 19, 2018, 11:51:41 AM »
Funny enough I found 10 worse than teens. Not sure why really. Glimmerings is of separation without the maturity of teenagers (and I use that term loosely). An inability to understand consequences perhaps? I did have a struggle with oldest d for a while at that age. It was around separation from her father. She didn't see him much and he played mental games. She went from golden child to black.
She also has adhd so impulse control wasn't great.
I worked hard on creating a new family home. Money was tight but we did family building stuff. Focused on the family relationship for quite a while and it improved. Big thing was consistency. My house rules which included respect, politeness, eating properly, enough sleep, homework and school, chores, and familiarize we all worked towards because I was working full time. And family meals which were not negotiable. This gave time for talk, how was school, bonding etc. I also
Spent individual time with each of the kids. Busy? Yes. Worth it? Absolutely. Both are grown now and we have a good relationship.

As an aside have a look at the book "the bi-polar child" and see if any of it fits. Youngest has big polar and it's not always obvious.

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athene1399

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Re: 10-year old daughter has fleas...help me cope!
« Reply #2 on: August 20, 2018, 11:53:46 AM »
I think you just have to make it clear to her that what may be acceptable at dad's house won't fly at yours. To do so you have to stick to your rules no matter how annoying it may be. She will learn at your house there are consequences to her actions. And you have to try to keep your cool no matter how many buttons she pushes. You can always tell her to go to her room and you guys can try to talk about things later when she calms down.  That way you have time to get calm yourself. I would also suggest a therapist/counselor for her as well.