When other people adore your PD parents

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daughter

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Re: When other people adore your PD parents
« Reply #20 on: September 04, 2018, 10:44:54 AM »
My parents spent a great deal of effort "burnishing" their public-face self-images, being "helpful", being "entertaining and fun", being "generous gift-givers", in showy look at me/us manner.  They're super-helpful and generous to GC nsis, NBM's BFF mini-me.  So their social-set thought they were "fun", "generous", "great hosts/life of the party" folks.  But it's carefully crafted, just image-making fakery.  In reality, my parents are cheap, hard-edged back-stabbers who think they're superior to everyone, including those supposed friends, their extended family, neighbors, etc.  They only admire super-successful folks who flash the cash.  My NBM has even excused such rich folks' bad behavior, as in: yes, he's a terrible husband, he's abusive and not nice to her (daughter of friend of NBM's) but HE'S RICH AND WAS ABLE TO BUY HER NICE THINGS.

That's my parents' philosophy in a nutshell: he who is rich is the obvious winner.

My NBM disliked many of my friends, but was quite "flirty" with them nonetheless.  I once took NBM along on a several-day visit to a "successful friend", where NBM attempted to co-opt said friend, to her frank awareness.  Friend noted: your mother wants to embrace me, even as she won't embrace you;  it's like she's two personalities.  Quite true.  My parents have two personalities, one for folks worthy of their attention and care, who get the avid flattery and pampering, and the other for the unworthy folks who get their disdain and disrespect, their casual disregard and callous treatment 
 
« Last Edit: September 04, 2018, 10:51:30 AM by daughter »

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louisebt

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Re: When other people adore your PD parents
« Reply #21 on: September 04, 2018, 11:27:56 AM »
it;s been so strange since my mother had her terminal diagnosis that all these old friends and family members come out of the woodwork gushing how much they feel positive regard for my mother. I suppose it's no different to me, they know what a nightmare and how difficult she can be, but are thinking 'well i can get back in contact now as I won't have to deal with her for long'.

 :blink:

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all4peace

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Re: When other people adore your PD parents
« Reply #22 on: September 05, 2018, 01:52:05 PM »
Re-reading this thread, I was reminded of how much it can take from us to be around the PDs in our lives. I think it's spring butterfly's tagline that proposes adjusting for that. I feel clean and safe again in my own life, but it is quite a shock to be up close to that energy. I had special time with a sibling recently, and it was helpful to hear him noticing this same dynamic---sooooo much energy, joy, zest and "caring" for everyone else but their own offspring. And if I do say so myself, the 4 of us are pretty decent people, responsible, hard working, kind, honest, good people. It "shouldn't" be that hard for them to care about us.

daughter, I've read an interesting article this week about vertical versus horizontal thinkers.  http://flyingmonkeysdenied.com/definition/winning/
I think our parents are definitely "vertical" in their approach, competitive, needing to one-up others, having winners and losers. They are not invested in working together cooperatively, in appreciating the differences of others, in spreading out the resources of love, affection, etc. I think that's how they can dislike others but still "compete" for them. They simply must have it all.

What an interesting comment from your friend, very perceptive! I spent time with a sibling recently, who worked with uNBPDm in the family business. Apparently a coworker told my sibling "Your M is good at showing the world what she wants us to see." This was a person who was very aware of my M's deceit, bullying and incompetence in the business, despite trying to project a much different image.

louisebt, that must be really challenging to navigate. It's interesting how illness changes things for so many, and we're left holding onto our truth, which doesn't change with illness.