"If I don't loose weight it's your fault!"

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Writingthepain

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"If I don't loose weight it's your fault!"
« on: August 27, 2018, 08:38:09 PM »
My npd mother recently wrote me a letter (we live together go figure). It said at length that she needs to loose weight, that I must support her in this, that if she doesn't loose weight it will be my fault because I will have not supported her enough and .... get this... If she doesn't loose weight that she will DIE SOON! And this will be all my fault too!

A little background: my mother has been on one diet or another since the day I was born, yet only twice in that time has she got down to goal weight. She seems to have no will power and at the slightest stress or illness will go buy a bunch of sweets and scoff the lot. I've tried in the past talking her out of a binge but it's never worked.
I can remember being aged 7 and told that I needed to support mum on her diet and to not sabotage her by asking for sweets or treats. (Yes that was the word she used to me aged 7... sabotage! At 7 yrs old I was deliberately sabotaging her diet! Apparently!)
And now this guilt trip ridden later which actually says that if she dies early that I will always regret having caused my own mothers death!

Thing is yes she's overweight but not obese, she's a UK size 14/16! And no she has no major health issues that will be immediately causing her death or even long term causing her death!

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Starboard Song

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Re: "If I don't loose weight it's your fault!"
« Reply #1 on: August 28, 2018, 10:05:33 AM »
Ugh.

We've been there: you are not alone. We were responsible for all of her unpleasant actions. Everything she did was "responsive to you" constantly causing her more and more stress and pain.

I hope you have FOC to share this letter with and be able to laugh it off. Your M shouldn't hold power over you, but it is so very hard not to grant them power over our emotions. And especially while you have her in your home.

Be good! Be strong!
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

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Thru the Rain

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Re: "If I don't loose weight it's your fault!"
« Reply #2 on: August 28, 2018, 03:06:41 PM »
I would ask her what *exactly* she would like you to do.

Offer some suggestions:
- Throw away unhealthy food if she brings it in the house?
- Reminder her that the specific food she's eating isn't on her plan?
- Ask her every single day what she weighs?
- If she has a gain, remind her that she didn't follow her plan?

I would expect that she will reject ALL of the above suggestions - they are all awful things to do to another person, and very shaming.

OR - just ignore the whole thing. You KNOW you can't control another person. You KNOW her health/weight aren't your responsibility. 

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Starboard Song

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Re: "If I don't loose weight it's your fault!"
« Reply #3 on: August 28, 2018, 03:14:04 PM »
Thru the Rain is spot on.

You've been told you are not doing the right things. The loving thing to do is to respond as Thru the Rain suggests: that you are very sorry she is struggling. That you want to support her, and help her be successful. That if she can identify the things you can do to help, you'll be glad to accommodate her. If at any time it isn't working, you really don't want her to get so worked up: just let you know how you an help.

Of course this will defang the situation temporarily, unless she just hollers and bellows that now, on top of being unsupportive, you are demanding rules, too!

Good luck, either way. But I think Thru the Rain has the cutest kitten avatar in the world right idea.
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

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Dinah-sore

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Re: "If I don't loose weight it's your fault!"
« Reply #4 on: August 29, 2018, 06:16:16 PM »
My BPDm does the same thing to me all the time. She changes diets daily. Depending on what she wants to eat. If she wants to eat bacon and eggs, she is doing "low carb." But if she wants to eat a piece of cake, she is doing "calorie counting." If she wants to overeat, she is going to start a diet on Monday so she needs to prepare herself by treating herself.

It is all my fault. I don't tell her what to do AT ALL anymore. If she asks my advice I just say, "I am sure you can figure out what is best for you."

She used to blame me and enlist me to be her helper. But if she wanted to binge and I told her not to, she would bite my head off.

The truth is, they don't want help.
---They want to use us as an excuse for why they can't lose weight.
---They also want to lure us in so they can snap at us for being "too critical," "too bossy," "too unreasonable," "not understanding," or that "they had a bad day"-- when we softly and gently question what they just put in their mouth.

This is not your job.
 
I would recommend you suggest to your mom that she is responsible for her own choices, and if she needs help she could talk to a doctor or join a weight loss support group.
"I had to accept the fact that, look, this is who I am. I have to be who I am, and all of us have a right to be who we are. And whenever we submit our will, because our will is a gift, our will is given to us, whenever we submit our will to someone else's opinion a part of us dies." --Lauryn Hill

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broken

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Re: "If I don't loose weight it's your fault!"
« Reply #5 on: August 31, 2018, 03:04:45 AM »
Her weight loss struggles are not your fault.  In typical PD fashion, she won't accept responsibility for herself: her actions which have contributed to what she believes is a problem.  She is blaming you because that is your function in the relationship, to shoulder all the blame. 

I'd ignore the letter, and also avoid any discussions concerning diets, food, exercise, etc... Maybe by going gray rock.  I think to engage her blame-game is enabling the narcissistic behavior.

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Boat Babe

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Re: "If I don't loose weight it's your fault!"
« Reply #6 on: September 19, 2018, 08:27:28 AM »
My mother once told me that she would hold me responsible if she split up with her boyfriend. I was about 8 years old ffs! 
I was actually desperate for her to remarry so that I didn't have to deal with her all by myself!!!  She never did and blamed me for this. "I didn't get married again to protect you from an abusive man."  Again, I was a child when she, repeatedly said this.

The shit they lay at your door eh?
It gets better. It has to.

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daughter

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Re: "If I don't loose weight it's your fault!"
« Reply #7 on: September 19, 2018, 11:13:47 AM »
Why not state the obvious: mom, you're responsible for what you put into your mouth and eat, not me.  If she's a UK size 14/16, then she's the most common size for a middle-aged woman.  Maybe she's fishing for a compliment, of the "mom, you don't need to lose weight!  you look great as you are!!" ilk of assurance-seeking by our fundamentally insecure NMs.