DS off to college

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11JB68

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DS off to college
« on: September 01, 2018, 11:58:30 AM »
Updh has trouble with any transition, change, etc. He also has had a dichotomous relationship with DS20. DS20 is entering jr year of college. The year or2 leading up to ds going away were pretty brutal. It sent uPDh into an extended and at times very intense pd cycle. Lots of criticism of ds and lots of crying about how much he'd miss him etc.  It was very challenging for me to deal with it. As a result I think I dulled my own emotions....maybe...I so love ds... But it was uPDh who did all the crying. I felt like I had to be the rational one. Also remembering that uPDm was similar with me, I felt I had to offset h's behavior. Also, by the time ds left for freshman year I think my overriding feeling was that HE so needed to get out...to have freedom and independence and to build his own life without his f over his shoulder all the time telling him how he 'should' be doing it! Today ds leaves for his junior year. I feel more sad this year than prior years. My theory is that by starting to come ootf I'm now 'allowing' myself to feel my own feelings... Yet I still will control myself for ds's sake....so glad I was able to have a long talk with him this summer about uPDh...I feel better knowing that he knows what's going on.


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Latchkey

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Re: DS off to college
« Reply #1 on: September 03, 2018, 01:06:01 AM »
Congratulations on getting your DS off to college, Junior Year!! It sounds like he is doing well and you are too. It's ok and absolutely normal to feel this way.
This year I have my younger DD as a sophmore living in her first apartment in a far away city. I felt sad and relieved when I said goodbye to her because this was such a huge transition for her. Her Dad is BPD as well and has not seen her in almost 10 years. I'm divorced now from my second H (her stepdad and also a PD) and so moving her in to her new place I was so grateful that there was a guy friend of hers there to help us get  basic stuff like a mattress and boxspring and bed set up. Helping us carry in all the things you need when you get your 1st apartment. This guy friend also has an absent Dad and got his own place set up on his own this year as well with some help from his mom, so I think our kids hopefully realize that their friends can be better family than their PD parents are at times and hopefully make friends and make good choices as they start their own adult lives. Talking with them and doing the best we can do to let them be independent is all we can do.

 :bighug:
Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living.
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There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
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When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.