[truthseeker4life]

Anyone ever deal with this?

My husband is tired of hearing about my feelings surrounding my pd mom not calling me for 2 years as part of her punishing silent treatment toward me.

She has also pulled some other punishing/discarding moves toward me when I see her at family events at various other times over the years.

I mean as you know - since many of you have gone through this - I am dealing with some serious trauma and grief as my mom discarded me and continues to smear me to all that will listen including my 3 siblings.

I don't want to be a victim. I know life isn't fair but I am still grieving.

I just feel so abandoned all the way around when I try to have feelings.

Help.

[BentNotBroken]

Husbands are supposed to "be there" for us but I've found my therapist is the person I need to talk to for validation. Hubs means well and tries, I can see that, but he's not in contact with his parents for many years, his feelings are more deep rooted than my adult abandonment. So he doesn't have the capacity from an adult standpoint to understand completely. We all have our limitations so instead of me wasting time and energy trying to sort my family affairs with him, I choose to look elsewhere. Not everyone is equipped to handle what we need and that's fair enough, it's up to us to get what we need. Doesn't mean he doesn't love you, he's probably frustrated as hell that his wife is hurting and he can't fix it so maybe chooses to avoid it all together.

[Yael924]

I blame soap operas. Remember those? The hero is in a coma for 3 months wakes up and walks out of hospital smiling the next day.

Everyone expects superhuman rapid recovery.

And people that love you hate to see you suffering. So there's that.

Maybe try journaling to wall off your feelings a bit? And maybe choose a time of day (dinner?) to decide "I'm not going to think about this now". It could open things up and allow some distraction. Baby steps.

 

[SaltwareS]

Yes in hindsight my ex grew really frustrated with how my npdMother affected me but I didn't realize he was in protective mode but could not find a way to protect me. He would get furious at them. But I interpreted it as he found them disgusting and wanted nothing to do with them or me.

It's just a tough road to navigate. Outsiders, (and I say this a LOT) even therapists do not grasp what an npd personality really is. An npd personality is selfish controlling and has major attachment issues. If they get too attached to someone they lose control over themselves. And they don't like that so they will discard as soon as they sense you gaining independence in life. It's control control control. Knowing that has helped me.

[Adria]

Truthseeker,

I've been dealing with this over two decades now.  Sometimes my dh is very supportive, sometimes he leaves the room, sometimes, he says when I talk about it, it gives him a headache.  I used to feel very abandoned by him when I needed to talk the most. However, I have learned that he also feels very frustrated that I hurt so much over various foo situations, and that he is helpless to control it or fix it.  He has explained to me that it makes his job as a loving husband that much harder and draining because as a man, he feels he is supposed to protect me and make me happy. Everything that my family has done and still does is out of his control so he doesn't know how to make it better or make it go away.

I'm sure your husband cares and loves you very much, but is frustrated at his core as to how to resolve this for you. I think he probably feels helpless as you feel helpless in this sad situation.  Your grief is understandable.  And I can understand how you fee abandoned all the way around. It is a lot for us to bear and also for those we share are lives with as well.  Maybe you could set up a time once a week with him that he will let you talk and try to be there emotionally for you for 1/2 hour, or maybe 15 minutes a day  or something. Then you can both get ready for it psychologically and it doesn't blind side him. Also, you might try asking him how all this makes HIM feel as it effects him emotionally as well, but probably dares not mention it.  He may need to get a few things off his chest and you can listen to him.  It may help you both understand each other's feelings better and draw him closer.

Anyway you slice it, it is a heavy cross to bear for all involved.  We will listen and be here for you.  I have found that this forum has taken much of the burden off my dh as I have wonderful people here to help me navigate the rough times. I even share some of the posts with dh and that helps embolden him and make him feel less alone in supporting me. Hugs, Adria

[Yael924]

Adria -- this is a much kinder way to frame the issue than I have. I'll try to think of it this way in the future.

 

[all4peace]

I regret very much not getting professional help sooner in my struggles with both sets of parents, as I feel I unfairly burdened my partner with way too much fear and anxiety and grief, and he simply wasn't able to hold all of it.

Friendships and partnerships are beautiful supportive relationships, but there's only so much they can take, and I believe very much in getting professional support when we feel we may be overburdening those relationships.

When we love someone, we want to see them with joy and peace, and it's really hard to sit with them on a really long journey of grief, pain, loss and despair. I love Adria's interpretation. I think this is beautiful and very accurate for my own DH. It makes him feel rage to hear how our families behave, and I don't want him filled with rage but also need support, so it becomes a balancing act to find support where it's healthy, share enough with DH to have a partnership, but not so much that I'm damaging him or our relationship.

I wish you the best navigating this. And I wish you hope and strength when you're ready to begin rebuilding beautiful things in your life that has had so much pain in it.

[truthseeker4life]

Thanks so much for your insight everyone.

You are right - there's only so much my husband can probably take emotionally and I need to process a lot of my ongoing grief with other people (therapists, 12 step groups, etc.).

You are right too about it being a balancing act.

Thanks again for the very healthy insight.