emotionally safe home

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Whiteheron

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emotionally safe home
« on: September 05, 2018, 08:52:41 PM »
Another letter from stbx's L...this time stbx claims that he needs to create an "emotionally safe" home environment for the kids, therefore the drop off location must be changed. As if I'm the issue here. As if I'm the reason his home is emotionally unsafe.   :blink:  (maybe he could start by stop trying to convince DS that he's mentally ill!)

The last place anyone is emotionally safe is with him. Even the kids recognize this. I guess he's just trying to look good for the GAL (she was copied on his letter). Because he says it means it's true (my particular stbxPD's golden rule).

Its a several paragraphs long list of new rules I must follow if I want the drop off location to remain the same. I interpret this to mean he has no valid reason for wanting it changed. My L asked for specific reasons why it needed to be changed in the response letter, in return we get the list. It must be changed because he says so and here are the hoops I must jump through as to not inconvenience the kids...

There are multiple claims he makes that attempt to paint me as unstable and vindictive. He's still trying to control how others see me. He claims I'm keeping close tabs on him, watching his every move, writing it down. Even now that I'm out of the house. Apparently I'm documenting his behavior in an unethical way, as I've been known to do (my journal is proof). I wasn't aware writing down my thoughts and experiences was so scandalous! Does he not realize that I don't give a hoot what he does? I just want him to leave me alone. Makes me wonder if it's projection...now I'm wondering what he's up to. In kicks my paranoia...

Two official letters (through the L's) in the last two weeks. He's escalating. Maybe it's because my birthday is coming up soon and he needs me to be thinking of him? Has to put a dent in my special day from afar? Why can't he leave me alone? I just want peace. He is wasting my time, money and headspace with this nonsense. I'm not at the point where this can just roll off my back.

Control, control, control. Manipulation and control. Yet again. This will never end. Even if I give him what he wants it still won't be enough. There will always be something more.
Sorry, just had to vent. I'm assuming this is very common PD behavior.

You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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Associate of Daniel

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Re: emotionally safe home
« Reply #1 on: September 05, 2018, 11:02:34 PM »
I'm a little confused. Do the drop off/pickups happen at his home?

I can't remember all of your story, I'm sorry.

Are the children at school?  If so the dropoffs/pickups can happen there  and maybe at McD's during holidays.

I can't help thinking that your lawyer took the bait for a circular conversation.  Sorry if I have that wrong, but IME asking a pd "why" is a complete waste of time.

Perhaps just ask where he suggests pickups/dropoffs should happen. Then you can either agree, thus ending this particular drama, or disagree.

If court orders are in place specifying the location he can't just change it without your consent. Although I know some pds cause drama anyway.

AOD


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Whiteheron

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Re: emotionally safe home
« Reply #2 on: September 06, 2018, 09:12:19 AM »
Yes, pick ups and drop offs have been happening at the marital home when the kids are not in school. When we were "negotiating" around custody, I suggested they happen at a local municipal building, he said no, they would happen at the marital home (where he is currently living). It was read into the court order by the judge.

Now, for unknown "various" reasons he demands it be changed to a remote parking lot. I will not agree to change it without a compelling reason because it will be disruptive to the kids, especially DD, who is very sensitive to change. When I wrote the email to my L, I did offer to change it to the original location I suggested - which has constant traffic and people around. My L chose to not include this in the response letter. I'm trusting her judgement on this one. His suggested location is isolated and, outside of commuting hours, is deserted. I would not feel safe there with him.
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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Stepping lightly

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Re: emotionally safe home
« Reply #3 on: September 06, 2018, 10:24:28 AM »
Ugh- I usually find comfort in the uptick of conflict by assuming something is unbalanced on their end...and it probably has nothing to do with  us.  It's a matter of the PD needing to find something they CAN control, and they use the easy "go to" to get their fix and cause some joyful chaos.

So- just to be clear, the drop off location HE demanded initially is not considered "emotionally unhealthy"?  Funny how they twist things to work for them.  I would hold my ground until you get a reason it is unhealthy for the kids.  And if you do consider changing, only change to somewhere YOU are comfortable.  Nobody can find fault with you for not wanting to exchange in a remote parking lot....that's not even safe in the best of custody situations.

I'm curious about you comment about stbx trying to convince DS that he is mentally ill- we have this issue on a very serious level...so I would love to compare notes.  How insidious to convince a child not to trust their own brain and behavior...makes me sick.

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cant turn back

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Re: emotionally safe home
« Reply #4 on: September 06, 2018, 11:16:14 PM »
I would just say no.  He’s given no valid reason at all for ‘why’.  The exchanges are happening at the location he wanted to begin with.  Let him bring it before a judge if he wants, file a motion.  He seems to love to do that.  It will just paint him as indecisive, unstable, etc (more than has already been established).   If it’s not this it will just be something else.  Show him you’re not going to change, adjust, etc to his whims, disguised as the kids best interests... ,which he has no info whatsoever to support this assertion.

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Penny Lane

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Re: emotionally safe home
« Reply #5 on: September 07, 2018, 02:19:24 PM »
We deal with this ALL THE TIME with BM and it is the worst.

I always find that when she gets aggressive like this, it's because she's trying to distract SO from something bad she's doing (or not doing). Or she's mad about some loss of control, like how your ex didn't get as much time with the kids as he wanted.

He is wasting my time, money and headspace with this nonsense. I'm not at the point where this can just roll off my back.

Control, control, control. Manipulation and control. Yet again. This will never end. Even if I give him what he wants it still won't be enough. There will always be something more.

I hear you! It's all really terrible. I definitely don't let it roll off my back all the time (and neither does SO) but I can report that it gets easier each time. The more that you can see it for what it is, an unhappy person flailing around trying to make other people unhappy, the easier it gets.

I hope you have a really great, stbx-free birthday!

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HotCocoa

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Re: emotionally safe home
« Reply #6 on: September 07, 2018, 09:30:16 PM »
I would just say no.  He’s given no valid reason at all for ‘why’.  The exchanges are happening at the location he wanted to begin with.  Let him bring it before a judge if he wants, file a motion.  He seems to love to do that.  It will just paint him as indecisive, unstable, etc (more than has already been established).   If it’s not this it will just be something else.  Show him you’re not going to change, adjust, etc to his whims, disguised as the kids best interests... ,which he has no info whatsoever to support this assertion.

 :yeahthat:

You don't have to have a reason beyond...meeting you in a desolate parking lot is not safe for the children or you.  (Frankly, its pretty darn creepy.).  It's okay to tell your attorney you don't want to discuss it further if you don't.  They do get into your headspace but the more you are out of it, the more you can see his instability and pd coming to light.  I'm glad you're out of there.  Just move forward. 
 :bighug:
The smarter you become about narcissistic abuse, the crazier the narcissist will say you are.

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Whiteheron

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Re: emotionally safe home
« Reply #7 on: September 12, 2018, 01:57:20 PM »
So my L pressed him for a reason and he came up with the "fact" that I'm using my time during pick ups and drop offs to spy on him through clandestine means.  :ninja:

Then he suggested if I won't agree to change the location, then I must abide by certain rules, which he lists out. So it's all about control.

My L has not responded to the latest letter, so it's been quiet for a few days. Hopefully he's gotten it all out of his system for now...


stepping lightly - ever since stbx began hearing voices (what I refer to as his first breakdown), he's projected his symptoms onto DS (younger than 10 at the time), because "he's just like me!" No, no he's not. Before I even really knew what the word meant, I used 'projection' to describe what stbx was doing. He flipped, to put it nicely. Informed me that there was nothing wrong with him helping DS get through his fear of hearing noises  :blink: Now, DS had always been afraid of loud noises...but that's about as far as it went.

stbx seemed to back off at that time.

fast forward a few years to where stbx was having what I term his second breakdown - after his diagnosis as bipolar, I caught him with DS in the garage, telling DS that he had all the same symptoms as he did, therefore he was mentally ill too and that it ran in families. I took stbx aside and told him it wasn't right that he was telling DS this. That his dx wasn't DS's burden to bear.

Now that I've filed and we're separated, I'm no longer around to tell stbx this is inappropriate. stbx is apparently having regular conversations with DS and how much he can relate to what DS is going through (DS has been dx with reactional depression due to stbx's behaviors...). stbx sends DS texts that are along the lines of "is your stomachache mental illness related or other" that kind of thing. There is a consistent message from stbx to DS of "you're mentally ill, just like me, we are together in this...together against the world, no one else understands what it's like for us..."

Then, at our last court appearance, stbx's L started spouting off about how DS's mental health is deteriorating therefore stbx needs 50% custody. This is news to me and DS's T and doc. Apparently being mentally ill makes stbx an expert in diagnosing mental illness in others? stbx is now suggesting DS needs to see a psychotherapist. Funny this is what the psych evaluator recommended for stbx...
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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Stepping lightly

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Re: emotionally safe home
« Reply #8 on: September 12, 2018, 03:09:38 PM »
wow!  in our situation BM used to tell everyone that DH was a sociopath.  Like...would stand in the middle of public places and scream it at us in front of the children.  DH has a therapist involved just to have someone profession to consistently say "there is nothing wrong with this man other than the situation he is in".   Custody changed a few years ago, it was 50/50 and BM basically got full custody and DH limited time with the kids.  This hit DSS HARD.  He's the scapegoat at BMs house.  With the change, BM now has much less access to DH, and less opportunity to project her mental illness onto him.  We actually said the DH's therapist at the point of the change, "we wonder if this is going to make her target one of the kids"- just a thrown out statement.  Well, DSS told her he wanted to live with us, and after that she pushed him through a psych eval based ONLY on her input and had him diagnosed.  She completely blocked DH from the evaluation and the doctor was complicit in his exclusion of our input.  DH fought it in every way he possibly could, but the doctor caved to BM's pressures and made a life changing diagnosis.  Luckily she isn't medicating DSS, but the effect of a kid falsely thinking something is wrong kills me.  I was relieved this summer when DSS said he was "mentally ill" and used air quotes and extreme sarcasm.  We can't tell him he isn't per se, because she would say we were contracting his doctor and hell would break loose.