Treading water full of worry

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Wannabe Guile Hero

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Treading water full of worry
« on: September 06, 2018, 08:51:45 PM »
This was supposed to be shorter, but I've become incapable of being brief lately. Thanks for reading.

My stbxw and I are approaching separation. I've always heard of BPD but never dug deep into it until she self diagnosed in late Spring. After digging in, I concur. She has still been unwilling to seek counseling, always finding an excuses despite having the benefits to cover many sessions easily. With more reading I've observed her behavior matches perfectly with the "introverted bpd" subtype I've seen online. When her mood turns she often resorts to self harm and suicidal references, only recently has it begun to include rage and damage to doors and walls.

I can even see her splitting with our dog now that I know how to describe it. He's anxious and clings to me more due to me being calmer but to her, the dog hates her now. She still wants him of course.

She's also been carrying on an affair, which is not surprising as we were once separated over her doing the same before our son was conceived, and she's been withdrawn in the same way she was then for over a year now.

We work opposing shifts so I watch him in the mornings about 3 - 4 hours and take him to his sitter so I can work and she gets off and picks him up a few hours later. This leaves us about equal time through the week. But on weekends she works another job and often misses him completely one of those days so she can hang out with friends or engage in thrill seeking adventures, so I have him all weekend.

Her plan is to leave and keep the baby boy in daycare through the week. I hate that idea, it's not only inconceivable and heartbreaking to even think of going from 7 days a week to 2, but he'll have less than 3 hours a day of time with her.

I want to do a 50-50 week on week off thing but she won't go for that I'd have him with my parents instead of daycare and no daycare is gonna take an every other week child. Plus she hates my parents of course.

I'm starting to think the only way we'll be able to negotiate is to get on a first shift gig and cave in on daycare so we have him split between us for the week. She'll probably still keep working weekends so I'll get that almost by default.

Things are calm right now but I'm terrified this is gonna blow up into an all or nothing battle and I have no idea what to expect.

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Latchkey

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Re: Treading water full of worry
« Reply #1 on: September 10, 2018, 12:16:23 AM »
Hello and welcome Wannabe Guile Hero,

I'm sorry your post was unanswered for a while. This board, though useful, does not get as much traffic as some of the other ones because it is more specific to Dads. You should also try co-parenting or separating and divorcing to hear from others in your situation.

Briefly, I think, it's important to talk to an attorney very soon. I would get whatever is decided into writing. I also would not try to increase time with a PD parent if they are not willing or wanting it especially if she is suicidal, distracted, and now damaging property.

Is she planning to have the child overnights at her place or will the baby just be with you?
Has she ever neglected the baby or done anything concerning while caring for him?

Most often in my own experience and in others here is that the PD parent changes their mind. Just as she is now in your marriage, she will likely be as a co or parallel parent going forward so giving up a solid shift or job is not always wise but day shifts are easier to deal with for day care and school going forward.
I am glad you found us and looking forward to hearing more from you.
Please check out our other boards and resources in the Toolbox as you get settled in.

Latchkey
Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living.
-Mother Jones
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There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
-Maya Angelou
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When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.

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Wannabe Guile Hero

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Re: Treading water full of worry
« Reply #2 on: September 11, 2018, 12:18:35 AM »
This board, though useful, does not get as much traffic as some of the other ones because it is more specific to Dads.
Catching onto that. Was hard to notice at first cuz the mobile format is hiding dates from me.

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Briefly, I think, it's important to talk to an attorney very soon. I would get whatever is decided into writing. I also would not try to increase time with a PD parent if they are not willing or wanting it especially if she is suicidal, distracted, and now damaging property.

Is she planning to have the child overnights at her place or will the baby just be with you?
Has she ever neglected the baby or done anything concerning while caring for him?
Consulting another attorney very soon. Will get in writing and aim to have decisions made into court orders. She has already tried to argue for majority custody, I suspect she'll fight me tooth and nail over having majority go my way. Naturally she says I'm just trying to avoid child support. I'm still worried I don't have enough to get majority for myself if it went to court. She's not neglectful when she's with him, though I think she spends too much time trying to argue with him I don't think she's physically abusive. I am documenting all the time she spends out away from the home on weekends to show she is voluntarily forgoing time with him.

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...giving up a solid shift or job is not always wise but day shifts are easier to deal with for day care and school going forward.
I definitely want off this shift, I've not been on first shift except to train in the 8 years I've worked in my field and I miss the sun sometimes! I do work for a good company though and it may be hard to find comparable pay. Don't think it'll hurt to look though.

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Latchkey

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Re: Treading water full of worry
« Reply #3 on: September 12, 2018, 12:25:24 PM »
WGH,

I don't know all the ins and outs of your local jurisdiction but consulting a good attorney is important. Sometimes offering or refusing child support or alimony while still taking the child more often calms a PD parent if you can afford that. When things become all about the money rather than the child you can end up in deadlock situations. Definitely assess what you can afford to keep your child safe.

Please feel free to update here or post in co-parenting or sep and divorcing as well. Also, a Welcome Mat post is always welcome  :wave:

Latchkey
Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living.
-Mother Jones
-
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
-Maya Angelou
-
When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.