Weddings and such bring out the worst

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11JB68

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Weddings and such bring out the worst
« on: September 07, 2018, 12:36:46 AM »
This is really just a random memory that was triggered today by an innocuous chat with some co workers admit weddings. And I remembered a piece that I had forgotten (or suppressed?), maybe because it involved updh and the situation for me at the time mostly involved uPDm. My cousin was getting married. I was an only child, very close (but crazy) family. Younger cousins were like siblings to me, and both were in my wedding (flower girl and bridesmaid). Updm tells me my cousin asked HER if she should ask me to be in her wedding and uPDm said no. ??? 1) cousin should have asked ME. (But this is the extent of uPDm's control). 2) a normal mother would have said, yes,ask her (and....why are you getting me involved). Then, uPDm tried to get me to throw a shower with her (I said, the bridal party is supposed to do that, I'm not in the wedding). UPDm said, well, those girls can't handle it, no time, No money,etc... My attitude was (petty I know but)...duh, well her choice... So uPDm got very angry at me. That was one of the catalysts of nc with foo. I ended up not even attending the wedding. Ds was supposed to be ring bearer, he didn't participate either. (Oh...and uPDh's contribution to this was to say that ds didn't need to ... To be contd

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Starboard Song

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Re: Weddings and such bring out the worst
« Reply #1 on: September 07, 2018, 10:14:01 AM »
Since going NC 3 years ago, we now look back and think of so many cases when things were plainly wrong. Before our crisis, we considered this just to be how they were. And it is shocking, now, to realize what we put up with. What we condoned. What we rationalized.

Example:
** Mom, I'm sorry we can't make it for Christmas. But it's so far, and we had to travel for Thanksgiving, so it just isn't going to work out. We've talked and have decided that we can't always be travelling on every holiday, so sometimes -- like this year -- it just won't work. But we will visit in January for a late Christmas. **

"You'll do it because I had to do it."

[hangs up phone]


And we let that go, because -- after all -- they'd hung up.

That will never happen again in my life. I will never again dismiss the non-rational as a non sequitur. If I could go back 20 years, we'd call back, and say "I'm sorry, but you are mistaken. I understand you felt you had to be on the road for every holiday, and I know that was hard on you. As I said, though, we do not feel that burden and we will not do it. Our decision is made with love and a touch of sorrow, but I'd regret it if I allowed you to end the previous call believing I didn't mean what I said."

I assume you are doing a little of this: scripting out what should have happened or what should have been said. I don't know if it is just an auto-triggering addiction that we have, or an important processing task. Whatever it is, I hope I am building super-human rhetorical powers for the next BPD in my life. I hope the reflections help you process and strengthen, too.
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

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11JB68

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Re: Weddings and such bring out the worst
« Reply #2 on: September 07, 2018, 11:35:52 AM »
Sorry- had to break off last night as uPDh came over so had to log out...as I was saying...(Oh...and uPDh's contribution to this was to say that ds didn't need to ... go/participate anyway and that it was 'gay' anyway to dress him up for the ring bearer role)....This is a fall back for uPDh - any time he doesn't like how something looks it's 'gay' - and he doesn't mean that as 'weird' he literally means 'gay'. He's used it on multiple occasions towards DS and towards me (e.g. only lesbians and old ladies have short hair, so you can't have short hair).  I know now that this is all about him and how he believes our appearance/choices reflect on him.

Starboard - as always I appreciate your insights and thoughts/advice...
"I assume you are doing a little of this: scripting out what should have happened or what should have been said. I don't know if it is just an auto-triggering addiction that we have, or an important processing task. "
I don't know either what it is...;) I think for me mostly it's processing. And I'm so happy to have a place to process this stuff where there are people who understand and have been there (because people IRL often just look at me like they have no idea what I'm talking about if I talk about this stuff, you know how it is!) The more I think/read/understand, the more things come back to me that I realize are more twisted than I even realized at the time...
Unfortunately one of the PDs in my life is my h...and while I've been close to leaving a couple of times, and really feel that would be best in many ways, I also know that it might make things harder in the long run for myself and DS if I did so (especially having read some stories on OOTF about how that process goes :( )... so I have to process on a daily basis to keep myself mindful and somewhat sane... I feel like I'm doing a lot of overthinking, but previously I was just going along and acting 'normal' and I'm realizing this was not working well for me...I can't behave normally and expect 'normal' behavior in return...I can't let my guard down (is really how I feel). And, things have been calmer (whether it's a cycle or due to changes I've made in my own behavior/reactions I'm not sure yet).

I SO appreciate having a safe place (here) to vent/process/document/etc... I'm also doing so in a journal which is also helpful...

The situation I was in back (15? years ago) where I was caught between uPDm and uPDh was really unbearable. It was about the most crazy-making thing I can imagine. I was verging on suicidal at times. I almost left my home (quite impulsively)-packed in the middle of the night with no real plan, and only stayed (not, as uPDh thinks due to his begging/promising to change) because I didn't feel h would let me take DS and was fearful of leaving DS behind with him and what that would mean for us. In the end I realized I COULD NOT deal with BOTH of them, so began NC with uPDm. Which was for the best anyway. But it's taken 15 more years for me to REALLY come to terms with the situation with uPDh as well...

Sorry for rambling and thanks for listening!!

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Mary

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Re: Weddings and such bring out the worst
« Reply #3 on: September 11, 2018, 05:40:55 AM »
The situation I was in back (15? years ago) where I was caught between uPDm and uPDh was really unbearable. It was about the most crazy-making thing I can imagine.
:yeahthat: I tried to ride the fence during engagement and early marriage. Boy did that end well (NOT). I ended up way cutting down on contact with my parents which was so hard, but I had to choose and make a life of my own. Looking back with the OOTF lense lends so much meaning to that D R A M A.
Mary
For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called. (Isaiah 54:5)

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LSK1999

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Re: Weddings and such bring out the worst
« Reply #4 on: September 14, 2018, 03:55:19 PM »
Since going NC 3 years ago, we now look back and think of so many cases when things were plainly wrong. Before our crisis, we considered this just to be how they were. And it is shocking, now, to realize what we put up with. What we condoned. What we rationalized

 :yeahthat:

YES!! Looking back now it never ceases to amaze me as to what I put up with.....and rationalizing it away.... :stars: Despite the fact that the behavior was blatantly rude and unacceptable and sometimes down right ridiculous and almost insane in the case of my NM. What upsets me the most about it now is by rationalizing and accepting it, I was ENABLING it and never allowing the reality of the nasty behavior to be called out or just down right not accepted. For me it's helped me to see that I am not helping a PD with their condition if I just rationalize it away either, it keeps them from ever having to suffer consequences for their actions. Furthermore if I call it out and then accept the abuse that follows....again not helping....I'm further saying it's okay to do this. This is why NC in my opinion can be seen as a benefit to the PD in our life if we need to look at it that way to feel better about it ( I no longer do) but there was a time that would have helped me.