When NC means leaving someone behind?

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When NC means leaving someone behind?
« on: September 11, 2018, 05:07:16 PM »
Hello.  It's been about three years since I first came to this forum and started learning about PD families.  Since then, I've been to therapy, learned to better cope with cptsd, and worked on my own life a great deal.  It's been years of grey rocking, LC, and developing healthy coping strategies to deal with the chaos that pours out from my sister and mother.  And while that has helped some, it's come to the point where I worry for my health and well-being if I continue to have contact with these people.

The biggest obstacle I'm facing is my dad.  He sees and understands what is going on, but is completely under my mom's thumb.  From past attempts at taking breaks from my family, I don't believe I will be able to have a relationship with him if I cut out the rest of my family.  He is completely under my mom's thumb and lives in his own little world while things go on around him.  He's not a healthy man and I worry about his health and safety with the stress/emotions of losing me and the fallout with my mom and sister.

I am still going to try to keep lc with him and see how it goes.  It's just a real possibility it might not work.  Has anyone had to make a similar choice?  What did you do?



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Re: When NC means leaving someone behind?
« Reply #1 on: September 11, 2018, 05:32:39 PM »
My uPDm pretty much controlled the entire FOO (extended and immediate).
She verbally abused my enF all of his life.
My dear gm was very dependent on her as she had a disability and never drove.
When I had it out with uPDm, enF stood in front of me and looked right at her and told her she didn't do anything wrong, which was my sign that despite my closeness with him he was too terrified to stand up to her and WOULD NOT, and therefore I would lose him too :(
I tried after to be in touch with gm, but uPDm manipulated that so that I could not have a relationship with gm without uPDm being involved. SO - I lost my ENTIRE FOO, some of whom I loved and was very close too.
uPDm also enlisted others as FMs - one aunt called me and asked me 'why are you doing this to us?'  It was very sad.
Although I know that it's for the best, there are many times when I feel like an orphan, and I was especially sad about my dear gm...also I felt that enF and gm were being left to be subjected to uPDm's rule...so felt badly for them as well.
The feeling of being an orphan, I think I've seen others post here that they feel that way as well.



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Re: When NC means leaving someone behind?
« Reply #2 on: September 11, 2018, 06:17:29 PM »
Yep, I had to lose the rest of my family also.  The only one I really miss from time to time is great-aunt, which is strange because I remember the feeling I had when she was trying to weasel her way into my life after my grandmother died.  I never trusted the family but my great-aunt, also a SG in her FOO, could be fun but now considering how things have happened, I really wish I'd listened to that feeling. 

It's something that oftentimes one has to think about.  If you're having issues with the thought of it, you don't have to do it now.  You can wait until there comes a point when there's no turning back and it's not even a question anymore if that helps. 
« Last Edit: September 11, 2018, 06:19:41 PM by Orthocone »


Starboard Song

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Re: When NC means leaving someone behind?
« Reply #3 on: September 11, 2018, 10:14:42 PM »
Our family on my in-laws side is mostly out of state, except one aunt who lives nearby.

When we went NC with my in-laws we talked it out. It was very likely we would never see the our of state relatives again. We knew we would be smeared. So far, there appears to be only one clear casualty. But with all the other aunts and uncles all in Florida near my wife's parents, I don't suppose well ever again see most of them, because every occasion id's one where they would be there.

This is a significant cost of NC, but not of VLC, and should bit bee taken lightly. But we had no choice, and accepted the cost as necessary.
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward