"If you were sorry, you wouldn't have done it in the first place"

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Dinah-sore

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"If you were sorry, you wouldn't have done it in the first place"
« on: September 17, 2018, 07:18:05 PM »
This issue just came to my mind. When I was little and I had done something wrong, I could never just go to BPDm and say sorry and have it be over. There was always an "intervention" type meeting that would take place, where my mom would vent her anger on me for hours. I would have to sit on the couch, for HOURS and listen to her talk endlessly about what I did, and what it meant, and what she knew I was thinking, and what would happen if I did it again. This would be followed by threats of extreme forms of punishment, and her telling me WHY she KNEW I did this thing, and what she thought I was trying to "pull" and how she was smarter than me, and she "knew me better" than I know myself. It would end with me having to repeat to her all that she said in my own words and tell her how sorry I am. When I said sorry, she would always say, "If you were sorry, you wouldn't have done this in the first place." And it would not be over. She would continue to berate me and shame me and guilt me and threaten me, and when SHE FELT BETTER, she would dish out a punishment and act like she was being nice, because she didn't give me an even worse punishment that i really "deserved."

So this is what would happen when I would do something wrong.

When I became a Christian, of course I changed a lot about my life to align my behavior with my beliefs. But when I would sin and mess up, I would feel like "sorry" is not enough. I literally would hear my inner voice tell me, when I would go to pray or read my Bible, "God is mad at you. You are disgusting." And when I would go to confess and ask God for forgiveness, that voice would say to me, "If you were really sorry, you wouldn't have done it in the first place." And even after confession and prayer for forgiveness and to help me do better next time, I would punish myself for extended periods of time. Pulling away emotionally, as if God was still angry. I would tell myself that I needed to prove over time that I really had repented, that he would be angry with me until I could prove to Him that I have changed over a few weeks or so.

It blows my mind to see how much my mom's emotional dysregulation affected my religious beliefs.

It doesn't even make sense, "If you were sorry, you wouldn't have done it in the first place." What does that even mean. It almost implies that we are never to make mistakes. We are to be completely perfect. It means that when we are sorry, it isn't enough. It is like taking a dog and rubbing it's nose in it's own poop.

I remember loving verses like Lamentations 3:22-23 "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." and 1 John 1:9 "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."

God is not an abusive parent. He is not a PD. His discipline and chastening involves instruction in righteousness, correction for our own good, and hope for repentance and freedom from bondage of destructive sins. He is GRACIOUS and MERCIFUL. He knows we are weak and sinful, Hebrews 4:15 says, "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are--yet he did not sin."

I don't know if anyone else has a problem saying sorry, because you think it isn't enough, or for punishing yourself severely for falling short of your chosen standards, but I think our parents expected us to be as perfect as Jesus, but wouldn't have been satisfied even if we were. <3
"I had to accept the fact that, look, this is who I am. I have to be who I am, and all of us have a right to be who we are. And whenever we submit our will, because our will is a gift, our will is given to us, whenever we submit our will to someone else's opinion a part of us dies." --Lauryn Hill

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11JB68

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Re: "If you were sorry, you wouldn't have done it in the first place"
« Reply #1 on: September 18, 2018, 12:17:23 AM »
Wow I think your mother and my uPDh have the same ideas. Right down to: if you understand what I'm saying then repeat it in your own words. Ugh.

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notrightinthehead

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Re: "If you were sorry, you wouldn't have done it in the first place"
« Reply #2 on: September 18, 2018, 04:59:46 AM »
When I had the parent's talk with the priest before the christening of my first child, the priest said to me that children would learn about the love of god through the love from their parents. If that is true, your mother has instilled a raging, revengeful, unforgiving image in you. God gives you free choice. You can choose to keep it that way or modify it to a loving, forgiving, accepting image - improve your inner representation of you god.

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Mary

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Re: "If you were sorry, you wouldn't have done it in the first place"
« Reply #3 on: September 19, 2018, 02:00:52 AM »
Wow I think your mother and my uPDh have the same ideas.
Same here. I finally arrived at thinking, "you're right, at the core I am that awful person, and I do deserve all the punishment you're dishing out, and more." But Thank God I'm forgiven! He loves me! And I am at peace.
For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called. (Isaiah 54:5)