How to start the process, interested in how other folks did this

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11JB68

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How to start the process, interested in how other folks did this
« on: September 18, 2018, 11:43:02 AM »
So - I've been on here for about 6 mos now, and when I first joined this is the section of the forum that I focused on. I had reached a point where I actually had a free consultation with an attorney. (without uPDh's knowledge). Weirdly, things at home calmed down significantly just after that and have remained relatively calm for about 6 months. A couple of things have happened lately that lead me to feel that uPDh may be 'ramping up' again. Although things settled down, and I worked really hard at using 'toolbox' skills, I also have been laying some groundwork in case I get to that point again. I feel strongly that if I reach that point it will be 'no turning back'. I want to be prepared, and just leave/file/move on. I have read a LOT of stuff, here and otherwise about 'escape plans' etc. I have a safe place I can go to stay if needed. I'm starting to line things up just in case. One big thing is that I had a 'heart to heart' with my DS21 over the summer while he was home from college and let him know how I was feeling and that leaving may be a possibility (one thing that held me back before was I didn't want to blindside DS, and/or cause a major emotional upheaval/distraction for him while he was at school).
I guess my specific question on this particular post is about 'telling' uPDh that I'm done.
I am learning that he will likely never truly see himself as having a problem.
I know that if I leave it up for discussion he will hoover.
I fear that he will react in one of two ways (or both)- depression/possibly even suicidal; extreme anger.
It may be that we get in an argument and I suddenly feel that I can't take it and tell him, that's it I can't do this, and walk out. That is a very plausible scenario.
OR I could plan it and tell him - at home, or ask him to meet me somewhere (which would tip him off something was up as it would be odd for us to do that)...OR write him a letter and leave it for him (but he is ALWAYS home). I'm trying to figure out the best way to do this if/when the time comes. I know it's different for everyone, and not looking for someone to 'tell me what to do' but looking for others' experiences and thoughts. Thanks!

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openskyblue

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Re: How to start the process, interested in how other folks did this
« Reply #1 on: September 18, 2018, 12:16:27 PM »
I am learning that he will likely never truly see himself as having a problem.
I know that if I leave it up for discussion he will hoover.
I fear that he will react in one of two ways (or both)- depression/possibly even suicidal; extreme anger.
It may be that we get in an argument and I suddenly feel that I can't take it and tell him, that's it I can't do this, and walk out. That is a very plausible scenario.

My recommendation is to do whatever makes the most sense for you and protects you.

My exhusband was volatile, unpredictable, and aggressive, so I moved out one day in secret and left a letter. I went completely NC and have been that way ever since. It took a relatively short period of time for my adult kids to accept that -- and support me in remaining NC for as long as I needed. Some of them are now NC with him.

One of the the recurring theme here on OOTF is that we tend to underestimate the reactions of our PD spouses when faced with ending the marriage. I was doing that for a long time when I was considering leaving, and tied myself up in knots trying to figure out the best thing to do for everyone, including my exhusband. I got a lot of support here and from my family urging me to focus only on taking care of myself and my kids -- and erring on the side of expecting the worst reaction from him. I'm glad I did, because my exhusband has become increasing aggressive and physically threatening to others since then. I don't even want to think about how he would act with me today.

Good luck!

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Spindrift Secret

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Re: How to start the process, interested in how other folks did this
« Reply #2 on: September 18, 2018, 12:38:57 PM »
What I had PLANNED to do was sit down and tell her, and then move out the same day, knowing that she would be upset and likely break things/get violent/etc.  So, I had planned to have people ready to go after I told her.  As for the telling her part, I had planned to just gloss over all the shit she did (because it would be pointless and just become an argument) and stick with the fact that I was no longer in love with her, and just say it once and then move on.

So, what ACTUALLY happened is that one day I was taking a bath and she came in there and started asking me if I was happy in the relationship, if I felt like things were working out or changing for the better.  And to be honest, things WERE better, but I was already beyond done so I just ended up blurting it out that I wanted to leave.  What followed was a very unpleasant weekend of alternately crying and raging, begging, hating me, etc.  She begged me to stay a few months so she could figure out what she was going to do financially, and I reluctantly agreed.  Long story short, she ended up kicking me and my daughter out randomly in a rage one day, lying to the police and having me arrested, and just otherwise screwing me over.  I ended up homeless for a few weeks until I could get into a place.  While I was in jail she stole money and hid some of my stuff.  It was a mess.

So, my advice is going to be to use my original plan and not just tell her in conversation because you want to be honest.  Like openskyblue said, I DRASTICALLY underestimated her reaction, even while I was tying myself in knots worrying about it.  With a normal person, of course you want to have an open and honest discussion about the end of a relationship, but with a personality disordered person that is never going to happen and they will make you pay for your attempt at being a good person. 

Good luck and please keep posting for support <3

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11JB68

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Re: How to start the process, interested in how other folks did this
« Reply #3 on: September 18, 2018, 12:54:13 PM »
The first time I 'almost left' it was unplanned, very impulsive. I packed bags, packed my car (during the night) but waited for him to come down in the am, to tell him I was leaving. He then begged/pleaded/cried/promised change. I stayed, he unpacked my car (still crying). Yes, I felt badly for him, still loved him (still do), but the ONLY real reason I stayed was fear of having to leave DS (then about 5 yo).
I've seen others on here who are 'divorcing' but still living in the same house, and things are dragging. I am not committed yet to doing ANYthing, but I am committed that if/when I DO it - I will walk out and not come back. Either I will state to him 'I'm leaving' and walk out, or will walk out and then then let him know my plan, or will leave a letter or something. IF I do it, this time it will be definite and I will not hang around for circular arguments.

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blunk

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Re: How to start the process, interested in how other folks did this
« Reply #4 on: September 18, 2018, 12:57:49 PM »
Hi 11JB68, sorry to hear that you're going through this. I often felt like the anticipation of the next outburst was just as bad as actually facing it.

In my case it was the "I can't do this anymore moment". I had known for some time that I wasn't going to be able to continue on the path that we were on. In fact I remember crying so many times and just repeating those words over and over...I can't do this anymore...with perhaps a few colorful expletives thrown in.

The best thing I can tell you is to have a go-bag, in case you do have to leave at a moment's notice. Mine had a couple changes of clothes, toiletries, some cash, spare car keys, medications. I did have a few family members lined up who I could have stayed with, as well as my office as it is a 24/7 operation with secured gate access. It is also advisable to gather originals/copies of all of your important documents (especially anything that is joint ownership)...tax returns, bank statements, credit card statements, birth certificate, etc. In the past my x had taken out credit in my name without permission, so I made sure to monitor my credit report as well.

If you are afraid of his response upon telling him, then leaving a letter, or calling him when you are safely away may be the way to go. You may also be able to hire an off-duty police officer to escort you to the home if you need to retrieve personal items.

Please just be sure to protect yourself. Your safety and wellbeing is what's most important. Hugs.

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20yrsofcrazy

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Re: How to start the process, interested in how other folks did this
« Reply #5 on: September 19, 2018, 10:42:26 AM »
11JB68

I am in a very similar situation/timeframe.  In fact, I just consulted a lawyer yesterday even though we have been a period of calm for about a month.  I have not retained the lawyer, yet, but probably will.  I want to be ready to pull the plug when/if he goes downhill again.  I do not believe he can sustain this level of calm and "niceness."  I believe his baseline is much more argumentative and angry and unreasonable. 

My children are younger, however, 17 and 13.  So I do feel I need to have a conversation explaining that I am reaching the end of my rope with their dad and may not be able to continue living with him and get their feelings on what kind of contact they would want, if any, with their dad. 

I struggle with the way to go about telling my uNPD/BPDH that I'm done, can't ride this merry-go-round anymore, etc.  Part of me thinks it would be nice to sit down and explain this and calmly proceed.  We all know that is not usually the way it goes with a PD so the other part of me wants a big blow-up so that there would be an exclamation mark on the moment.  Would this make it make sense to them -- that this is the behavior that caused the break?  I don't know. 

The advice I see over and over on here is to be prepared for the worst and be safe.  I feel my husband could go one of three ways:  Have a medical emergency, i.e., extreme stomach pain, chest pain, mental breakdown, physical breakdown in order to get me to take pity on him and come rescue him OR  suicide attempt/threat  OR  extreme anger and outburst and acting out against me, the kids, and/or my parents and friends.

Unfortunately, the latter makes me pause instead of proceeding.  Subconsciously, I guess I think if I don't more forward I can keep everybody "safe."  But that is actually not true.  Its not "safe" to feel like you have to act a certain way or put up with certain behavior just in order for you and people around you to be safe. 

I hope things go well when/if you decide to proceed.  I am rooting for you!! 


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11JB68

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Re: How to start the process, interested in how other folks did this
« Reply #6 on: September 19, 2018, 10:54:41 AM »
20yrs....your 3 possible reactions/scenarios is very similar to what I'm thinking.
uPDh is physically no in good shape, and I believe may be experiencing Type II diabetes and/or some kind of heart failure or vascular problem (though he refuses to see a dr and hasn't been to one in over 30 years)...there have been times we've been arguing and he starts to rub his arm, or say his chest is tight/hurts, once I asked if he wanted me to call an ambulance and he said no. So - a sudden cardiac event is a possibility. Also - he has been known to pretty much curl up and be depressed and even talk about dying if I weren't around (not a direct suicide threat...but...). And, of course, yes there is the anger/vindictiveness too.... AND, despite everything I do love him, I do care about him, etc. I realize this is all FOG. That I can't base my actions on fear of how he will react. Lately I'm sort of thinking that if I'm going to leave, I need to have all my 'ducks in a row', be ready to walk out and not return (other than to come back to get my stuff or sell the house etc), immediately file, and have a fair and legal agreement ready to be presented to him to sign. I think he would be inclined to just sign if it's early enough in the time line.

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Rose1

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Re: How to start the process, interested in how other folks did this
« Reply #7 on: September 19, 2018, 09:16:04 PM »
I tried to protect others too. For some crazy reason I thought I could control his behaviour if I was around. We ran a family business and one of the guys told me quite firmly that they could look after themselves thank you. And furthermore he acted out worse if I was there and calmed down as soon as his audience left.

I was shocked. But to some extent it was true. However his behaviour degenerated with others after he left. Maybe he found other audiences. But as difficult as this is we can't control their behaviour. I still remember the fear of being responsible for him doing something to others. And for a year or so after I was very careful. I had the key to a girlfriend's house which was in a locked community and was mentally prepared to run.

ex made me feel like I was responsible for his behaviour. Things like "you know how I get when I'm angry and you make me very angry".
Trying to control with threats of bad behaviour. Or suicide

Someone on the board years ago said "he's threatening suicide, you aren't threatening homicide". There's a difference. But at the time it's very hard to see past the "it's your fault if I do this" scenario.

Is there anything you can put into place? Surveillance cameras have become reasonably priced? Courtesy visit to the police for a heads up? Better locks?